~ vier ~
As I was leaving, the words suddenly
spilled out.
“... I’m sorry...”
What was it that I was apologizing
for?
For not being able
to come for so long?
For coming so late
at night?
Or.
For falling in
love with you?
—... For telling
you a big lie?
Probably, for
everything.
I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t
know what I should do.
I want to see you, but I can’t.
I want to forget you, but I can’t.
—... I couldn’t do anything.
I can’t.
My feelings for you...
For Fate-chan—...
would only be a nuisance.
But, I couldn’t.
Stop anymore.
I love you, Fate-chan.
But.
I can’t break the chains binding me.
No one—... is allowed to do that.
No matter
how far I reach outside of my cage.
My hand—... will only pass through
air.
Why?
Why am I “Princess” —...
Why can’t I be “Nanoha?”
I’m hurt, I’m sad.
Fate-chan, Fate-chan.
All I want is to be beside you,
holding your hand.
Laughing, talking, and going out
together.
I just want to do the things normal
children do.
Why do I have to hide myself like
this?
Why can’t I see you without holding
anything back?
“I just... want to be... with Fate-chan...”
But even that—... is nothing more
than an impossible dream.
I am a caged bird with her wings
torn off.
Yearning for wings
that aren’t there. Looking up at that vast, vast sky.
All I can do—... is sing.
【
vier ~ (Zusammenarbeit)
~
】
Spring had come. Fate-chan had moved to the barracks just as planned.
Actually, Lindy-san had told her
that she could live with her, but Fate-chan
apparently had declined, not wanting to trouble her.
—... That said,
the lodging house wasn’t too far away from Lindy-san’s place so it seemed they
could at least eat meals together, but...
“It was my first time there, so I felt nervous the whole
time.”
I can still remember how happy Fate-chan looked as she said this, an embarrassed
smile on her face.
“Don’t you get lonely by yourself?”
When I asked this, she shyly
replied, “No, because Lindy-san and Chrono are kind.”
“... And I was able to make a new friend,” she added, with a
very glad-looking smile.
“Most of all,
because you come to visit like this, Nanoha.”
With closed eyes and flushed cheeks,
her smiling face looked happy. —... It made my chest feel tight. But it also
became very warm.
The barracks were still a short
distance from the grounds, but compared to before the journey was much shorter.
It seemed apprentice knights who had
yet to establish themselves weren’t allowed to have an audience with me. Since
there was no way Fate-chan and I would meet at the
castle, it looked like I would be able to keep my secret.
So, Fate-chan
and I remained friends. And at night, I would slip out of my room to go visit
her.
About once a
month. At most, twice.
We talked about many things, and
laughed with each other. —... It was happiness. Sheer
happiness.
It was our secret, one that no one else
knew about—... No—... it was my own secret.
Those days passed slowly. It was now
the third spring since Fate-chan had moved to the
barracks.
As usual, I slipped out of my room
and walked toward Fate-chan’s. —... Without a single
person around, the grounds were completely silent.
Even so, I walked as quietly as I
could.
Relying on the moonlight, I exited
the courtyard. After a walking for a while, the lights of the barracks came
into view.
One, two, three.
Fate-chan
is the fourth room.
Her light—... was still on. I
breathed a sigh of relief, and took a deep breath.
Knock knock.
I knocked twice, as lightly as
possible. ... Then after a while, knock knock,
two knocks answered from behind the door.
“Good evening, Fate-chan!”
Click,
the knob softly turned, the door opened, and there was Fate-chan,
a smile on her face.
“Yes, good evening. Nanoha.”
She opened the door widely, saying,
“You’re cold, aren’t you? Come in quickly, okay?” encouraging
me to enter.
“Geez, you’re such worrywart, Fate-chan~.”
“It’s because it’s still the cold part of spring... It would
be terrible if you caught a cold.”
Saying that, she put the scarf she
was wearing around me. “Is milk alright?” she asked, turning toward the small
built-in kitchen.
“Ah, you don’t need to worry about that, alright? Fate-chan.”
I followed her into the room to help
and... a gasp escaped my lips.
I’m sure,
the girl I was facing did the same.
“... Why... are you...?”
“That’s what I should be saying...”
Everything—... turned white.
“Ah, you two haven’t met... This is Hayate.
She’s the vice-captain of my unit.”
“....”
“She’s an amazing girl who’s already the princess’s steward
at this age.” I couldn’t make out what Fate-chan was
saying very well. Even though I always concentrated on taking in every word
that came out of her mouth...
I couldn’t even do that. The words
entering my ears were just getting mixed around with thoughts of what I was
going to do.
“... This is Nanoha. ... My friend.”
Fate-chan,
not noticing the state I was in, introduced me to Hayate-chan with a smile.
What should I do,
what should I do, what should I do?
Because—... I didn’t know. That the
friend Fate-chan had spoken of,
was Hayate-chan...
If Hayate-chan speaks out, this relationship will end.
After today... it will all be—...
over.
—... I closed my eyes tightly.
Amidst the sensation of the ground crumbling from below me, Hayate-chan’s
mouth slowly opened wide.
“... ‘Nice to meet you,’ Nanoha-chan.
I’m Hayate.”
She said with a grin.
Eh? Why...? As I blinked in surprise, not fully understanding what was
going on, Hayate-chan
winked at me.
“What’s this, Fate-chan? You’re
quite something, to have a cute girl like her~.”
“Wh...-!
I-I-I, It’s nothing like that, okay!?”
With that, she poked Fate-chan, who had turned red at those words.
***
“Well, I have to get up early tomorrow, so I’m going to go,
okay? Fate-chan.”
“Ah, yes. You’re right.”
For a while, the three of us had
chatted aimlessly.
That whole time, Hayate-chan never said anything about me, and until very the end,
spoke as if it was our first meeting.
“Nanoha-chan,
where do you live? Since it’s dark, shall I escort you?”
“Ah, that is... um...”
As I spoke frantically, she put her
arm tightly around my shoulder.
“... It’s okay... Just go outside like this, understand?”
She murmured this into my ear.
“Good night... Fate-chan.”
“... Yeah. Good night, Nanoha.”
Fate-chan
gave an almost lonely smile. It made me want to embrace her tightly. But... for
myself then, that was impossible.
“... Fate... chan.”
“Yeah. I’ll be waiting for next time... Nanoha.”
Creak...
the door closed. In an instant, before my eyes, the darkness dyeing the area
expanded.
As I stared absentmindedly at the
door, Hayate-chan slowly
led me by the hand.
—... Slowly, we began to walk back
to my room.
After walking like this for a while,
I felt Hayate-chan’s hand strengthen its hold on
mine.
“... Hayate... chan.”
“Haa. You really are a troublesome princess...”
With a wry smile, she let out a
sigh.
“The reason you’ve been slipping out lately. It was
Fate-chan.”
“... Yeah.”
We were wrapped in complete silence.
The only things that could be heard were two sets of footsteps shuffling over
the ground and...
—... Her usual
troubled sigh.
“Have you... told the truth? To Fate-chan.”
“I haven’t...”
If I did, I’m sure—...
“I’m sure, we... couldn’t be
friends...”
Those words I let loose painfully
coursed through my body. There was a tingling, pulsing numbness that traveled
through my head, and a tight knot in my chest.
“You stopped being friends already though, didn’t you? ... Nanoha-chan.”
“... Eh?”
At that voice I raised my downturned
head.
Hayate-chan was facing me, her expression hard to read because of
the back light darkening her face.
“... You love her, right? Fate-chan,
I mean.”
“That’s the face of a girl in love, you know?” Smiling, she
stroked my head like she always did. At that moment, the wind blew—... The
scarf I had forgotten to return to Fate-chan danced
in the wind.
... Fate-chan’s
lingering scent softly tickled my nose.
In an instant, tears quickly rose.
To hold them back, I tightly grasped the scarf.
“But... there’s nothing... I can do...”
The scarf that I grasped tightly
until my fingers became white, was warm.
It was only my own body heat being
transferred, but it gave the illusion of being in Fate-chan’s
arms.
—... As if they’d hardened in place,
my fingers wouldn’t let go.
“... There’s nothing... I can d-”
That shout turned into a sob—... But
before it could take shape, it was gone. Blown away by the
whispering wind.
It was like the apology from that
day.
“... Nanoha-chan. I...?”
Those stiff, shaking, hands were
slowly enwrapped by warm hands. Those tightly grasping fingers were carefully
unfastened, one by one.
The fingernail marks on my palm were
slowly traced over.
“... Whatever happens, I am your ally. And I am Fate-chan’s ally. So it’s no good putting yourself
behind a wall. If anyone objects, I, and my unit, will use our full strength to
protect you two.”
Her eyes sparkled with a strong will
that I didn’t expect to see in a girl the same age as me. Again—...
I felt a tight knot in my chest.
“... Don’t let yourself become a bird in a cage,
Nanoha-chan. Keeping those feelings pent up is no
good.”
The warmth that stroked my head slowly, was so gentle it hurt. —... My tears wouldn’t stop.
“... Is it okay, to fall in love...,
even... for me. ... Even for, Nanoha?”
“Of
course it is. That should be obvious.”
The hands that held mine, were warm.
The words released, were warm.
I thought these were feelings that
no one would approve of.
Never, never.
I thought no one would approve.
I was always thinking that I had to be
a bird in a cage.
So, those words.
Their warmth made me glad.
Hopelessly—... glad.
Like this my voice rose,
—... and for a time, I cried.
___________________________________________________________________________________
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