～ acht ～
I wasn’t such a child that it was
beyond my understanding.
—... I didn’t want to understand.
The fact that I could do nothing but
sever these feelings that were more precious than anything, the ones we’d
finally been allowed to connect.
—... I didn’t want to know.
The pain of the
moment when those connected feelings were severed. ... The feeling at the time when I had no choice but to sever them.
Even now I can say it with pride.
“I love you.”
Because you are
more precious to me than anyone, anything.
Because I truly
love you, so, so much.
For this reason.
—... Do I... have to say goodbye...?
【 acht
～
(Entschluss) ～ 】
I wonder... how much time has passed.
I breathed a sigh into my room. Before
I knew it, everything had been dyed in dim colors, and even if I strained my
eyes I could only faintly recognize anything.
As I lay on my bed, I stretched my
hand toward the ceiling.
“....”
The hand that couldn’t grasp anything, remained this way for a moment before it feebly
sank into the sea of my sheets.
... It was almost a week since Hayate had explained the truth to me.
I’m not sure how I walked back to my
room after that. Despite my worn out state of mind, I somehow managed to pass
the next day’s written examination, and as of tomorrow I would have a fresh
start not as an “apprentice,” but as a “full-fledged knight.”
—... Despite this my mood showed no
signs of clearing up, and I had spent my whole holiday in the sea of my bed.
... I should just stay here and
drown.
As I thought such things, I let out
another sigh, the latest of, I didn’t know how many.
Though I was in my own room, whether
I looked right or left, all I could recall was Nanoha’s
smiling face.
How many times did I open the door
and let her in to visit?
How many times did we sit on this
bed, and while smiling together, get lost in conversation?
Now, it just... — hurts.
Everything in this room, like it’s
burning me, hurts.
“... Na, no...,”
Now, I can’t finish calling that
name.
Back then, I could call it. Like a treasure, over and over.
“... -ku... a... ah..., huu...”
I’d gaze into your eyes—... over and
over.
“... Nano, ...”
Even though it
wasn’t so long ago. Now, no matter how far I hold out my arms—... they
will not reach. ... No... That isn’t it.
—... They must not reach.
Round and round I spin. Round and
round I hurt.
The more I try to stay away from
you, the more I’m reminded of your smiling face. It’s just a feeble act that
only reconfirms my feelings for you.
“..., ha...”
I can’t think, or cry over you.
I can’t call your name.
Again I bit my lip tightly to
swallow the name coming out. Having repeated this again and again, yet another
wound opened, and I gradually tasted the flavor of iron spreading inside my
mouth.
Knock, knock.
Amidst this, a faint sound suddenly
resounded in the dim room.
I didn’t even stop to wonder what
that sound was. Again, I heard the sound repeat dozens of times.
Each time... my chest throbbed
hopelessly.
But, surely it couldn’t be her.
That’s right. ... It couldn’t be.
Please... let that be true.
—... If she was here now, I’m
sure... I...
“... May I ask who’s there?”
—... There was no reply.
I turned toward the door that had
fallen silent, and it remained so. ... But, I was certain someone was there...
Strangely, I knew.
“... It’s dark out, so... it’s... dangerous...”
I spoke in a manner I was
unaccustomed to. And I could tell that the girl behind the door had caught her
breath after hearing it.
“... Fate, chan.”
At that voice,
hopelessly so, my chest—... tightened. Beyond this door was the girl who
I missed so much.
But.
“I’m sorry... I, that...”
“I beg you... please, go home.”
Please, I’m begging you, no more.
“Fate-chan!”
—... It was tearful, pained, that
voice.
Ahh, I
don’t want to hear her use that kind of voice.
If I open this door, I could see her
at once.
I could tell her not to cry, and
embrace her.
“I... beg you.”
I... can’t do that. ... “Why, why?” Another me is crying
out. Even though I want to see her. Even
though I’m dying to see her.
“Please...”
I can’t—... see her like this
anymore.
“I’m sorry... for not saying anything. But I... love you,
Fate-chan.”
“...-”
I stretched my hand toward the one
who spoke in that pleading voice, and touched the boards of the obstructing
door. Where the ends of my fingertips touched, somehow, it felt a little warmer
than usual.
I wonder... could Nanoha be touching the outside of the door like this too? —... When I thought this, I suddenly felt like I was going
to cry.
With my forehead resting against the
door, I clenched my teeth, trying to fight the tears that were welling up. From
the other side of the door I heard a voice that sounded as though it was, in
the same way, trying not to cry.
“... I love you, Fate-chan.”
—... Ahh,
if I cry it’s useless.
It’s useless....
... Even if, it’s useless....
“... I beg you... please, don’t say any
more...”
My emotions, my
wishes.
“I love you too! More than anyone, more than anything! But...
it’s useless now!”
Overflowed, spilled out—... and
wouldn’t stop.
“... It’s... useless.... You, and
I... It’s useless...”
“It isn’t useless! ... It’s nothing like useless! I will,
I... will!”
If I open the door right now, I’m
sure you’ll accept me even as I am. —... But I’m sure... that it would be
regretted.
Not by me, but by the one who fell
in love with someone like me... By
Princess Nanoha.
Not by “Nanoha,”
but by “the other Nanoha.”
“... Go home. ... Don’t come back again.”
I don’t want to cause worry. For the people important to you. And most
of all, for you.
“... Fate, chan... I’m... begging
you... look, at, ‘Nanoha’...”
I am looking, even now. Always, I’ve
looked at you, not as a princess. Nanoha is Nanoha, so I fell in love with you. Even if you’re a
princess, this feeling will absolutely not change.
... But.
“... Please. I have to get up early...”
In the real world, there was a wall
that was so big nothing could be done about it. Different from a door that
could be opened like this... was its existence
[Difference in
social status.]
The orphan turned knight, “I,” and
the daughter of the king, the princess “Nanoha.”
“... I’m sorry.”
So... see? After all... it’s
useless.
... Someone like me,
is useless.
I took my hands from the door, from
you. Then I phoned Hayate, to come get Nanoha.
—... When Hayate
came to pick her up, Nanoha’s finals words were.
“Ahh...,
-gu..., ... uuh...”
“I love you.”
That soft voice.
Those sweet words. Even though a short while had
passed.... Still—... they would not leave my ears.
“Kuh, aah...
aaah!
... uah, ah”
... I—... can’t forget.
I’m not so mature that I can turn my
past with you into memories. ... I don’t want to be separated. I don’t want to
be separated from you.
Then, what should I do?
What do I do?
I’ll do anything.
I’ll do anything I can.
Please—... someone, tell me.
“... Why did I give up...?”
Because I thought—...
I couldn’t protect Nanoha.
Ahh,
what’s that?
Then, isn’t it a simple matter?
If I’m of low
birth. I’ll become so great that no one can complain.
If I’m a beginner,
and I’m weak. I’ll become so strong that I’ll be able to protect you
from everything.
So strong that I
won’t lose to anyone.
“... I’ll become strong.”
So, right now I still can’t... meet Nanoha.
This wish,
may be trouble for your important people, and I can’t even guess how many years
it will take.
In that time, Nanoha
may come to hate me.
—... But,
If it is a dream that can really
come true. If I pray.
“At that time, as Fate... will I be able to meet Nanoha...?”
If there’s hope, I’ll try as hard as
I can.
So, I pray. Somehow... please let
this prayer be answered.
—... Until then, I will.
Swear to be by your side as “Fate,
the knight”... and to protect “Nanoha, the princess.”
___________________________________________________________________________________
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