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Delicious! (A collection of meaningless crack stories)

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Natus's picture
Joined: 04/26/2011
Posts: 1261

Some people in their spare time do something productive, like study or learn new skills.
I am not one of those people, I just sit around day-dreaming all day.

And I day-dream about crack, all the time. Some of it half-serious, some of it half-insane.
And so I present to you, unwitting readers, a whole bunch of crack.



Chrono, for the sixty-second time, tried to care about the shoe box in front of him.
It was really hard.

There is a time in a young boy's life when he realises that Holy Crap, girls are different from boys. There is a time in a young man's life when he realises that Holy Crap, all girls are exactly the same. Chrono passed that point halfway through Act 1 and he was astounded, with a fascinated horror not dissimilar from those witnessing a car crash, that all girls were EXACTLY the same. Even those from different time/space/dimensional planes.

Chrono was watching the Chickiest Chick Flick of All Time. And it didn't even have the decency to be performed in a theater with comfy seats and dim lighting so that he could fall asleep. He was watching a play. That was being performed in a shoe box. By magical talking staffs.

Silently swearing horrible curses that can't be printed here due to censorship issues, Chrono helplessly watched Bardiche trying to woo the affections of Raising Heart. At least, that was what it LOOKED like. Bardiche was spouting more hard to understand romantic/poetic crap than Stephanie Meyer writing in Shakespearean English.

While the girls around him "Ohh'ed" and "Ahh'ed" as Raising Heart gave a reply speech that was even harder to understand than Bardiche's explaining some reason they couldn't be together that only made sense to girls, Chrono felt it was time. He couldn't LEAVE the room where this hell-for-men was being held, but he certainly wasn't going to WATCH it either.

Double-checking to make sure that all of the girls in the room (i.e: practically everyone he knows) was suitably distracted by Bardiche making a bold statement of his undying love that would get you laughed at in real life, Chrono quickly pulled out the PSP in his pocket and turned it on.


"Come to me Raising Heart! My love for you is like a star in the night sky, burning brightly with passion for you in a world of cold loneliness!

"No, stop it Bardiche! We can never be together! If we are stars, then we are twin stars in a Binary Solar System, always so close to each other yet fated to never touch!"

'Oh my god, what the hell is with all the freaking space metaphors!?'
Yuno screamed inside his head as he felt his sanity melt away. Bored, so bored, so god damn I may actually kill myself for some excitement bored!

You know how much attention span a ferret has? That's right, you don't. Yuno doesn't know either, his shriveled up after the first 30 lines.

'Screw it,' thought Yuno, 'I'm not even going to even PRETEND to watch this anymore.'
Yuno quickly looked left and right to make sure he wasn't caught while he retrieved his PSP from his pockets and turned it on.


Chrono came very close to screeching this out loud, but by some divine miracle managed to just telepathically scream at Yuno instead. Somewhere along the 34th Act (where Raising Heart was leaving Bardiche behind so she could study in Germany) Chrono and Yuno both realised that they were both playing Nanoha A's Portable: Battle of Aces and were challenging each other.

If you've never played this game with other people then you have no idea how freaking annoying it can be. Seriously, you'll be screaming BEAM SPAM for years. But in a good way.

"Bardiche, I've come back from Germany!"

"Oh Raising Heart, I've missed you more than the planetary mass of Jupiter and it's 65 moons combined!"

"Take THAT Blue Boy!"

"Stop spamming that stupid shieldy thing Ferret! Who the hell plays as Shamal anyway!?"

"The guy whose kicking your ass!"

"Bardiche, there's something I need to tell you before you continue!"

"Dear god, how many of these stupid bind traps do you have?!"

"I don't know, how many stupid homing tornado things do YOU have!?"

"Oh no Raising Heart, don't tell me..."

"YES BARDICHE! I met someone else while I was in Germany!"

"Bitch! Stop healing yourself!"

"Then stop spamming that stupid square move!"

"How could you?! We promised we'll be together forever!"

"Grow up! We both knew this relationship would never last, I've found someone much more better for me!"



"Who could possibly love you more than I do Raising Heart?! Don't tell me it's-"






There was some confusion over the last lines. Since multiple people screamed at once, no one was sure who said what.

Chrono had stood up on his seat so that he could scream at Yuno more directly while flipping him the bird.

Yuno had also stood up on his seat so that he could taunt Chrono by pulling down his eyelids with one hand, sticking his tongue out and flipping him the bird with the other hand.

Fate had jumped up to her feet and was shaking her fist angrily at Graf Eisen.

Vita had also jumped up onto her feet and was enthusiastically dancing around in place while making some 'unusual' gestures to Bardiche.

In the end, people became too emotional to continue watching 'Devices Of Our Lives' and the entire show was canceled.


The moral of the story here is:

A) It is very easy to become 'emotionally attached' to a session of Battle of Aces.

B) You should never bring boys to chick flicks, ever.

C) Star-light Breakers are great for breaking up small riots.

Cardboard box is here!

Natus's picture
Joined: 04/26/2011
Posts: 1261

"Hey, Fate. Do one of these melons look bigger than the other to you?"

"Oh no Nanoha, I know for a fact that your perfect melons are- Oh wait, you're talking about actual melons. The one on the right is definitely bigger."

"Cool, we'll buy this one then."

They say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, so the path to a crisis must be paved with value neutral intentions then.

Maybe. That probably doesn't make any sense. The point is, Nanoha and Fate are grocery shopping and shit is going to hit the fan in 5 minutes.

"Hey Fate, which one of these marshmallows do you like?"

"Oh Nanoha, you know I couldn't possibly choose between your oh wait your talking about actual marshmallows. Um, whichever is cheaper I guess?"

"Okay then, I'll just check the price and HOLY MARK UP PRICING BATMAN, WHAT THE HELL!?"

Unfortunately for everyone in the store, years of enforcer training had given Fate the reflexes of a cat but for some reason absolutely no self control. Cue explosions.

"WHAT!? WHAT IS IT NANOHA? Are we being invaded? Is there trouble on the farm?!"

"Calm down Fate!"

"Oh dear god, Timmy's trapped in the well and he can't get out?! OH THE HUMANITY!"

"CALM DOWN DAMMIT! It's just this bag of marshmallows!"

"Eh, what's wrong with them? It's full of cockroaches or something?"

"What the... No, this bag is more than three times more expensive than all the other bags!"

Fate stared closely at the marshmallows in question.

"Um... It says on the back they're made in Switzerland."

"Really? That can't be the reason it's so expensive though, can it?"

"Gimme the bag for a bit?"

Nanoha passed the marshmallows to Fate, who began to inspect all the fine print on the bag. While Fate was going over the ingredient list and wondering what half of the crap in it even was, Nanoha was idly shooting security cameras so the cops couldn't charge them with the destruction of half a super-market.

"AHA!" proclaimed Fate suddenly.
Incidentally, whoever trained Fate seemed to have trained Nanoha the same way. Cue explosions.

"What!? WHAT!? Are we being Zerg rushed by Koreans? I haven't even made two zealots yet! Protoss are too slow dammit!"

"...Nanoha, what?"

"Uh...Never mind. Anyway Fate, what's up?"

"I found out why these marshmallows are so expensive! It's because these particular marshmallows are asbestos free!"

"...What? Fate, aren't ALL marshmallows asbestos free?"

"Well if they are, then why make these special asbestos free ones then?"



There was deep silence as the two engaged in deep thought, the quiet only interrupted by the sounds of Nanoha absent-minded way of destroying the rest of the security cameras. (She's so used to it she doesn't even notice anymore)

"Hey Nanoha, do you know what this means?"
Nanoha's face held a blank expression for a while, clearly conveying she had no clue. But then a light bulb seemed to light up in her mind as her eyes widened and her face turned red.

"Fate, we can't do that! We're in a super market and someone might see us-"

"No, not THAT! I'm talking about asbestos!"

"Eww, that's not sexy at all..."

"Think, Nanoha! We've been secretly eating asbestos laden marshmallows this whole time without even realising it!"

"Oh my god, you're right Fate! We got to tell everyone and stop them from eating other marshmallows before they kill themselves!"

"Oh crap."

"...Fate is something wrong?"

"Nanoha, are you thinking about what I'm thinking?"

"Probably, but we should try to control ourselves until we get back home. I heard the toilets here aren't very clean and it's not exactly the place I'd want to have -"

"Dammit Nanoha, I'm thinking about Vivio!"


"See, you get it now?! We have to go back home and-"

"That's so disgusting Fate, Vivio's only a little kid!"




In the end, Nanoha and Fate managed to escape being caught by the cops and being charged with destroying a super-market.

The asbestos free marshmallows turned out to be a giant scam as all marshmallows are asbestos free anyway.

Not that they realised, the two us ended up spending an extra $10 for a bag of marshmallows and didn't learn their lesson at all.

Cardboard box is here!

Juno's picture
Joined: 12/29/2010
Posts: 658

Those reflexes are damn near hair-trigger. Nearly anything sets them off. O_o'

On another note, did you mean this Zerg Rush? ->

Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. ~Author Unknown

Natus's picture
Joined: 04/26/2011
Posts: 1261

Vivio Man: The Sequel!




(Somewhere in Hawaii. And by Hawaii I mean some sand box in a a playground somewhere. Use some imagination, dammit.)

(Einhart is playing on a broken ukulele with only one string while Vivio tries to sing and dance a hula that is so horrible that any Hawaiian person watching would have been totally justified if they killed her)

Einhart: Holy plot device Vivio Man!
Vivio: I'm a girl.
Einhart: Whatever. There's the Vivio-signal over there! (

(The Vivio-signal is clearly shining in the sky. However, some idiot has placed it up-side down)
Vivio: What are you talking about, that's totally something else.
Einhart: Look, let's just go OK?
Vivio: Quick, to the Vivio-Mobile!


(The two of them dash towards a tricycle with a sidecar attached. Einhart hops into the sidecar while Vivio jumps into the driver's seat and peddles away)


(Weird swirly screen thing again)

Vivio: Mayor Reinforce, what's the matter?
Reinforce: It's terrible! Some one has been going around stealing stuff!
Vivio: ...Um, is that really a job for a super hero? I mean, that's kinda what the police are for right?
Einhart: Ouch, harsh.

(Reinforce pulls a piece of paper out of her pocket and gives it to Vivio)
Reinforce: Here's a list of all the victims, you should go to all the victims and try to get clues.
Vivio: Gee, way to tell me how to do my job! This isn't a freaking RPG, I can figure it out you know...
Einhart: ...Hey, your writing's pretty small you know. I can't even read it.
Reinforce: ...

(Suddenly Reinforce bursts into tears)
Reinforce: It's not MY fault I was a born a midget you know! Waaaaah~~~
Einhart: Oh shit dude, I'm so sorry!-
Reinforce: What you think just because I'm a little smaller than you I don't have any feelings?!
Vivio: A LITTLE smaller than us?


(Weird swirly screen thing again)
(Our heroes are in the middle of the road, after narrowly escaping an ass whupping by a midget)

Einhart: The first on the list is Nanoha and Fate, so we should go see them first.
Vivio: OR we can be all cool and original by starting at the bottom first.
Einhart: What, why?
Vivio: Because being a hero means doing stuff that no one else does! That's why I'M the hero and YOU'RE the sidekick
Einhart: I thought it was because you won that rock-paper-scissors game.
Vivio: Yeah, I won and you didn't. That's doing something that you didn't do.
Einhart: Yeah whatever, the last person on the list is... Reinforce.
Vivio: ...Okay fine we'll start at the top....


(Weird swirly screen thing again)
(The two are at Nanoha and Fate's house)

Vivio: Nanoha? Fate? Are you here?
Nanoha: Oh, if it isn't Vivio and Einhart! You haven't been eating any asbestos laden marshmallows have you?
Einhart: Eh? What?
Vivio: We were told something was stolen from you and we're here to help you get it back! Can you tell us anything about what was stolen?

(Nanoha goes red)
Nanoha: It's...something that I kinda need.
Vivio: Uh huh...
Nanoha: Fate and I use it for... wrestling
Vivio: ...Okay? What does it look like?
Nanoha: It's....Ah....Um....
Vivio: Yes?

(Vivio looks at Nanoha expectantly while Nanoha gets more and more flustered)
Nanoha: You know what, why don't I go get Fate to explain it for you?

(Nanoha runs back inside. Eventually Fate is pushed out the door while Nanoha sticks a Post-it note to the door saying that she won't let Fate back in until she explains the 'item')

Fate: You see, we lost our strap o-
(Door bursts open and Nanoha grabs Fate and pulls her inside. Seconds later Fate is pushed out again but she has a black eye.)

Einhart: Holy crap, what happened?
Nanoha: She walked into a wall.
Einhart: Um, I don't think that-
Einhart: Yes ma'am sorry ma'am please don't eat me ma'am!
Fate: Look, long story short we lost our... championship pro-wrestling belt.
Nanoha: Good one
Fate: Thanks. Anyway, it's big and black and it's got a... horn on it.
Vivio: ...A horn?
Fate: It's a wrestling horn. For wrestling. While you wrestle.
Vivio: ...Okay? Anyway, we're off to the next victim now. Bye!


(Weird swirly screen thing again)
(Fade to black)

Cardboard box is here!

Natus's picture
Joined: 04/26/2011
Posts: 1261


Oh god that's hilarious XD

Vivio Man the Sequel, part 2!



Last time, Vivio Man and Einhart the Boy Wonder were on the trail of a mysterious thief who had stolen Fate and Nanoha's... things.


(Weird swirly screen thing again)
(Our heroes are walking down the street when they see Chrono)

Vivio: Hey sidekick-
Einhart: I have a name you know...
Vivio: Whatever. Is Chrono on the list?
Einhart: Um... Yeah he is. Should we go talk to him?
Vivio: Of course, let's go!

Vivio: Hey, Chrono!
Chrono: Hm? You need something?
Vivio: We heard that you lost something and we're here to help you find it!
Chrono: Really? That's okay and all but it's not something I really need help with...
Einhart: Why's that?
Chrono: I lost the TV remote, it's not that big of a deal.
Vivio: ...That's it?
Chrono: Um...Also I lost my Subway card?
Vivio: ...Anything else?
Chrono: I dropped a coin and it rolled into the drains the other day...
Einhart: Anything IMPORTANT?
Chrono: I'm missing some anime DVDs but that's about GAH!

(Vivio has kicked Chrono in the balls)
Vivio: Don't waste our time, jerk!
Chrono: You called me!


(Weird swirly screen thing again)
(Somewhere in the park)

Vivio: Well that was a complete waste of time
Einhart: Not really, that was a sweet kick
Vivio: Yeah, I know
Einhart: ...Nu?

(Subaru is lying on the ground with no shoes on while Teana is desperately trying to get Subaru to stand up by dragging her. She is failing horribly as Subaru keeps flailing her arms and legs around)

Vivio: Um... Is something wrong?
Teana: NOOOOOO Everything is just FIIINE
Vivio: Oh, okay. We'll just be going then.
Einhart: I'm pretty sure she was being sarcastic
Teana: Of course I was!
Vivio: Jeez, don't be so confusing then!
Subaru: Walking is for alligators and ostriches!

(Subaru manages to kick Teana off and is rolling around the ground in a bid to escape. Teana jumps up and starts pistol-whipping her)

Subaru: NUUUUUU!!
Vivio: Okay, WTF?
Teana: Some bastard just stole Subaru's skates and now she refuses to walk anywhere! JUST! WALK!
Subaru: Walking is for lizards and cows!
Einhart: Wait, you mean they were stolen just now?
Teana: Yeah, some crazy purple chick with STOP KICKING ME!
Subaru: Stop pistol-whipping me then!
Vivio: Quick, which way did they go?
Teana: Okay, that's it!

(Teana shoved the gun she was whacking Subaru over the head with into her mouth.)
Vivio: Oh shit!
Einhart: What the hell man?! Just calm down!
Vivio: Don't shoot her bro!
Vivio: Wait! What if you ask really nicely if Subaru will walk?

(Teana stares at Vivio)
Vivio: ...Just try it?
Teana: FINE! (Ridiculously over the top sugar sweet tone) Please walk?
Subaru: (Ridiculously over the top sugar sweet tone) No, f##k off.

Cue explosions.


(Weird swirly screen thing again)
(Random street)

Vivio: I'm just going to ignore everything that just happened.
Einhart: Good idea, Hayate is next on the list by the way.


(Weird swirly screen thing again)
(Hayate's house)

Vivio: Hello? Anyone home?
Hayate: Who is it?! Are you cops!?
Vivio: No, it's us; Vivio Man-
Einhart: Your a girl
Vivio: Whatever, and Einhart the Boy-
Einhart: Girl
Vivio: WHATEVER! It's us, Vivio and Einhart!
Hayate: Okay, climb in through the bathroom window.
Vivio: ...Why?
Hayate: Just do it!


(Weird swirly screen thing again)
(Our heroes are inside Hayate's house. The house is a complete mess with everything strewn across the floor, walls and even the ceiling.)

Vivio: Wow, what happened in here?
Einhart: We're here to help you recover something that was stolen from you!
Hayate: OH THANK GOD! I lost my most precious item and I really need it back!
Vivio: What is it?
Hayate: It's a Post-It note!

(Vivio stares at Hayate for a while and then winds up for another kick)
Hayate: I've lost the Post-It of Ultimate Power!
Einhart: The what?
Hayate: It's a Post-It with a magical spell on it, whoever holds it can sexually molest anyone they want without getting into trouble!
Vivio: Holy shit, is THAT how you do it?
Hayate: Please, I need it back; I haven't grabbed someone's funbags for almost an hour now!
Vivio: Okay then... Do you have any clues as to who did it?
Hayate: Not really, I think I saw someone though. She was kinda tall I guess but that's all I know...


(Weird swirly screen thing again)
(Outside the Mayor's office)
Einhart: Well, Reinforce is the last victim. What should we do?
Vivio: ...Ignore her?
Einhart: ...
Vivio: Okay fine, let's just hope she's forgiven us.

(They knock on the door)
Einhart: Excuse me, are you there Mayor Reinforce?
Reinforce: I don't know, maybe I'm too SHORT to be in right now!
Vivio: Oh crap, she's still mad at us...
Einhart: Um... We're here to gather clues and stuff, do you know anything?
Reinforce: I don't know, maybe I'm too SHORT to know!
Vivio: Annnnd this is going no where...
Einhart: We're both really sorry! Right, Vivio?
Vivio: Why the hell do I have to sorry that she's such a midGAAH!

(Einhart has grabbed Vivio and suplex'ed her)
Vivio: Okay, I'm sorry! This hurts dammit!

(Inside Rein's office)
Reinforce: Okay, so what's up?
Einhart: We've talked to everyone and your the last person left.
Reinforce: Cool. Long story short, someone stole my nail polish and I was going to paint my nails rainbow colours tonight with Hayate. Have you seen her by the way?
Vivio: She's... kinda busy.
Reinforce: That's too bad. Any clues on who it is?
Einhart: Actually, no. All we know it's someone kinda tall who wears purple.
Reinforce: ...That doesn't help at all
Vivio: Yeah, we know. Any ideas?
Reinforce: There's only one person who can help us now!


(Weird swirly screen thing again)
(Mid-Childa City Prison)

Vivio: Huh, I thought I'd be at least 16 before I went to prison.
Einhart: Really? I thought you should have been arrested several paragraphs ago.
Reinforce: Shush, we're here.
???: Well, well well. If it isn't Vivio Man-
Vivio: I'm a girl.
???: Whatever, and Einhart the Boy Wonder-
Einhart: What she said
??? Whatever.
Reinforce: Enough recycling of old jokes! We've come to see you for advise. They that to catch a criminal you have to think like a criminal and that's why we're here to see you... FERRET!


Yuno: Yes! The Ferrent returns! More screen time!
Vivio: Oh shut up and tell us what we want to know.
Yuno: How can I tell you if I have to shut up?
Einhart: Don't make me suplex you.
Vivio: She's serious, trust me I know.
Yuno: Fine, I'll help you. But you gotta get me out of here in exchange!
Reinforce: How about no?
Yuno: Then solve it on your own.

(Several miniutes of silence passes. The only sounds that can be heard are of Vivio randomly shooting security cameras)

Reinforce: How about we reduce the sentence from imprisonment for life to a couple of years?
Yuno: ...How many years?
Reinforce: How about nine
Yuno: That's still a bit-
Reinforce: Thousand?
Yuno: What the... 9000 is even worse than life!
Reinforce: Fine, we'll let you go...
Yuno: Sweet!

Do do do doooo
Yuno has joined your party!


(Weird swirly screen thing again)
(Mayor's office again)

Yuno: If we can't pinpoint a criminal based on the physical descriptions you gathered, we have to try guess who it is based on what they stole.
Vivio: Okay then; the stolen items are a Championship Pro-Wrestling Belt...
Yuno: A what?
Einhart: Nanoha and Fate want it
Vivio: It has a wrestling horn and everything
Yuno: ...Okay
Vivio: Um, we're also missing a TV remote, a Subway card, a coin and some anime DVDs...
Yuno: (writing this down) Okay, go on...
Vivio: Subaru's skates are missing as well...
Einhart: Hayate's missing some kind of Post-It that lets her grope anyone she wants-
Yuno: Holy shit! Is THAT how she does it?!
Vivio: I know right?
Reinforce: And my nail polish is gone.

(Yuno has written a list of all the missing items and is staring intently at it. )

Yuno: I've got it! The culprit is...
Vivio: Yes?
Yuno: The culprit is...
Einhart: Uh huh...
Yuno: The culprit is...
Yuno: Dammit you made me forget!
Reinforce: I'll kill you!

(They fight)

Yuno: Oh wait, I remember now!
Reinforce:You better.
Yuno: The culprit only stole items that were mildly annoying to lose, therefore the culprit can't be a big name villain!
Vivio: I guess that makes sense...
Yuno: And that's it.
Vivio: Huh? You mean you don't actually know?
Yuno: No, not really. I'm just making stuff up so I can stay out of prisGAH

(Vivio has kicked Yuno in the nuts)

Einhart: Holy convenient plot device Vivio Man-
Vivio: I'm a girl.
Einhart: Whatever. The Vivio-Signal is being lit up again!

(The Vivio-Signal is shining in the sky again but it's still upside down)
Vivio: Quick, to the Vivio-Mobile!


(The two of them dash towards a tricycle with a sidecar attached. Einhart hops into the sidecar while Vivio jumps into the driver's seat and peddles away)


(Weird swirly screen thing again)

Vivio: Look, Nanoha is next to the Vivio-Signal transmitting thingy!
Einhart: Isn't just a spotlight?
Nanoha: Oh, it's terrible! Fate has been kidnapped and they left this note!
Vivio: This must be the work of The Ferret!
Yuno: Why me!?
Vivio: Because this is the exact same thing that happened last time!
Einhart: It looks like the kidnapper is challenging us to try and rescue Fate. With any luck the thief and the kidnapper are the same person so we can get this over with quickly.
Vivio: I'll say, this is taking too long.


(Weird swirly screen thing again)
(Inside some generic evil lair)
Fate: Eh? Where am I?
???: You're in my Evil Lair!
Fate: No way, it can't be-!
???: That's right, it's been a long time Fate and now it's time for my revenge!
Fate: Bullshit! I refuse to believe it's really you!
???: Too bad because it is, now I'll torture you until your little friends arrive!

(The mysterious villain pulls a whip out of no-where and starts whipping Fate)
Fate: OW! That hurts!
???: It's supposed to! (whips some more)
Fate: Ow, red! Red!
???: What the hell is- Wait, are you telling me to stop in bondage language?
Fate: It works when Nanoha whips me too hard!
???: What?
Fate: Nothing.

(A nearby window suddenly explodes as Nanoha crashes through it, posing as she lands)
Nanoha: Fate, I'm here to save you!
???: Oh come on, I haven't even tortured her that much yet!

(The door explodes off it's hinges and Vivio and Einhart enter the room)
Vivio: Halt evil doer!
Einhart: We're here to save you!

(The light coming in from the busted door reveal the villain to be...)

Nanoha: PRECIA TESTAROSSA! But how?! You died back at the end of the first series ages ago!
Precia: Ha! I just fell into some weird inter-dimensional gap - that's just like falling off a cliff which everyone knows never kills the villain!
Nanoha: Crap!
Precia: I've finally returned after years of being trapped in something that looks like a stoner's nightmare to have my revenge!

(Precia whips Fate some more, who swears at her with words I can't type because I can't spell them)
Nanoha: It's time to put a stop to this!

(She pulls out a jewel thing from her pocket)
Nanoha: Moon Prism Power- Make HEY!
(Precia whips it out of Nanoha's hands, breaking it and thus ending any chance of me reusing Sailor Nanoha again)

Nanoha: Fine then! Raising Heart, Set STOP THAT!
(Precia whips RH out of Nanoha's hands and catches it)
Precia: Now no one can stop me!


Vivio: Uh hello? You forget about us or something?
Precia: Who the hell are you two?
Vivio: I'm Vivio Man
Einhart: Your a girl.
Vivio: Whatever, and this is Einhart the Boy Wonder and DON'T YOU CORRECT ME THIS TIME!
Einhart: Yes ma'am.
Fate: No Vivio, it's too dangerous! Fate-mama can handle herself!
Vivio: No you can't, your getting your ass kicked.
Precia: Whoa whoa whoa, hold up for a second. Fate, this your kid?
Fate: Yeah, kinda. She's Nanoha's and mine...
Precia: ...Wait, what? But your both girls!
Nanoha: Get with the times Precia, we've been gay for each other since like, episode 4 of the original series.
Precia: But that's when you two first met!
Fate: Yeah, pretty much.
Precia: You see, THIS is yet another reason why you suck Fate. My Alicia would have totally married a guy and-
Nanoha: Okay, easy on the homo-hate purple girl. Just gimme back my waifu so we can go wrestle some more.
Einhart: Don't you need your wrestling belt?
Nanoha: Huh, what are you talking about?
Fate: She means the strap o-
Precia: Dude, I can't believe my daughter's gay. I'm just going to kill you now before you gayify the place with your gay germs.
Nanoha: Get with the freaking times oldie!
Precia: Never!

(Precia grabs a plastic shopping bag from the corner of the room and starts picking things up from it and throwing it at Nanoha, Vivio and Einhart)

Precia: Take this! Subway card attack!
Nanoha: (smack) Gah, my nose!
Vivio: So she IS the thief as well!
Precia: That's right, I stole a bunch of crap just to piss you all off!
Einhart: Dammit, Yuno was completely wrong, this is a high level villain!
Precia: Damn straight, now eat roller blades!

(Precia throws the skates at our two heroes and knocks them over)

Vivio: I'm not giving up! (Charges at Precia)
Precia: Oh yeah, let's see how you like this... Post-It note?

(All of a sudden Precia grabs Vivio and starts going all Hayate on her)
Fate: Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?!
Precia: The hell if I know, I don't even want to do this!
Nanoha: I would be extremely pissed off at you right now but I'm strangely okay with it!
Einhart: The Post-It of Ultimate Power is too strong!
Fate: Seriously, do you have to ruin EVERYONE'S childhood?!

(Precia drops the Post-It, allowing her to stop feeling up little children)
Vivio: I feel so violated...
Einhart: There, there Vivio. Everything's going to be okay.
Precia: ...Well, I'm still winning.
Nanoha: Yeah, cause your a freaking pedo you jerk!
Fate: No wonder your so hung up about Alicia you pervert.
Precia: Oh shut up, it's not like I MEANT to touch her like that!
Nanoha: I bet MJ used the same excuse!
Precia: Stop going on about it okay? I'll throw more things at you!

(Precia throws some nail polish at Nanoha)
Nanoha: You stained my dress you bitch!
Precia: That's right, and I have plenty more crap to throw at you too!

(Precia pulls Chrono's wallet out of the bag, takes all the money and credit cards out and throws it at Nanoha)
Nanoha: Oh hey, this wallet is pretty nice

Einhart: I'll avenge Vivio you sicko!
Precia: Oh for god's sake, it was an accident!

(Precia picks up a TV remote and throws it at Einhart. She catches it and throws it back. Precia whips it out of the air and throws the first thing she grabs from the bag)

Einhart: Oh hey! Nanoha, Fate! I found your wrestling belt!
Precia: Dude! Accident! CHILL!
Fate: Bullshit!
Precia: Shut it, take this!

(Precia reaches into the bag and stops dead. She looks into the bag in both shock and awe.)

Precia: Holy shit, I found it... I FOUND EL-HAZARD!
Nanoha: It's in a plastic shopping bag?! BULLSHIT!
Precia: Behold! El-Hazard!

(Precia pulls something out of the bag. Everyone stares in surprise as she reveals)

Einhart: The complete collections of El-Hazard: The Magnificent World on DVD?
Vivio: That's an old anime, right?
Nanoha: Oh my god, you are some kind of retard.
Fate: ...
Precia: Ah ha ha ha ha haa! There's nothing I wouldn't do for Alicia, even tracking down an old anime series from 1995!
Precia: Pretty much, yeah.

(Fate suddenly grows huge muscles and turns green. She breaks out of her bonds and then pounds Precia into a pulp)


(Weird swirly screen thing again)
(Back in the sandbox/Hawaii)

Vivio: Well, I'm glad that's all over with
Einhart: You said it. Now let's enjoy the rest of our vacation.

In the end, Precia the kidnapping thief miraculously survived Fate's brutal pummeling and was arrested for theft, kidnapping, all the charges she gained during the first series and inappropriate touching of minors.

Vivio and Einhart enjoyed their 2 hours of vacation before they had to go home, do their homework and get ready for school the next day.

Nanoha and Fate got their 'wrestling belt' back and were able to wrestle as much as they wanted.

Chrono got all of his stuff back except for his wallet, which pissed him off.

Subaru got her skates back, enabling her to move again and finally ending the tension between her and Teana.

Hayate didn't get her post-it back as it was deemed to dangerous and it was destroyed. Not that it mattered, as Hayate was so good at molesting people that no one tried to fight it anymore.

Reinforce didn't get her nail polish either as it was all over Nanoha's dress. Since the dress was ruined she just cut bits of the dress off and stuck it to her fingers.

Since Yuno was no help at all he was rearrested and put back in prison. He's cellmates with Precia.

Alfred the butler never appeared. He's so lonely, we should go visit and give him a hug or something.

Cardboard box is here!

Natus's picture
Joined: 04/26/2011
Posts: 1261

Vivio Man 2.5: Prose edition!
A collection of short stories after Vivio Man: The sequel.


"Honk honk, here comes the airplane!" announced Vivio happily as she maneuvered her toy plane around, doing stunts that only could only be done if the pilot was Chuck Norris.

"Vivio, I'm pretty sure airplanes don't go honk..." remarked Einhart as she rolled her toy tank across the sandpit.

"Heiriparatzu then!" exclaimed Vivio.

"What kind of noise is THAT?!"

"I'm thinking of a number between one and three" yawned Precia.

"Eh? It has to be two then, right?" asked Yuno.

"WRONG RODENT BOY!" screamed Precia straight into Yuno's face "The answer is 2.314!"

"What the... that's unfair!" was Yuno's reproachful reply.

"Oh shut up, I'm evil and I'll cheat as much as I want."

"Oh Fate~~" sang Nanoha suggestively. "How about we go and do some wrestling?"

"Sorry Nanoha, but I have to finish all this paperwork by tomorrow" said Fate apologetically while indicating to a mountain of papers that even Sir Edmund Hilliary wouldn't have climbed.

"Oh come on Fate!" pouted Nanoha "What's more important, hot steamy R18 lesbian wrestling or paperwork?"

Fate stopped writing and thought about this for a while.
"Definitely the first one, which is why I'm going to do the paperwork instead."

"Ehh?! That doesn't make any sense!" wailed Nanoha.

Fate suddenly swung around and embraced Nanoha, much to her surprise (and delight)
"Wrestling time now?" she asked hopefully.

"Nanoha, you know I love you right?" whispered Fate in her ear.

"Y-yeah, of course..." stammered Nanoha, who suddenly felt a little nervous.

"Nanoha, if I could then I would wrestle with you until I died but I just can't do that. Nanoha, I have to do this paperwork now so that we can afford to pay the bills and wrestle later. Do you understand?" asked Fate softly.

"Oh my god Fate, I had no idea you were sacrificing hot steamy wrestling now for hot steamy wrestling later! I'm so sorry for not realising earlier!" Nanoha tore herself away from Fate.
"I'm so sorry, I was being too selfish and only thinking about my own primal, carnal urges to do you until we break our hips!" With this Nanoha turned around to leave.

"Nanoha!" exclaimed Fate. Nanoha jumped and by pure reflex destroyed half the house.
"Nanoha," said Fate more quietly this time (and completely ignoring the huge property damage.)
Fate extended her hand out towards Nanoha "Let's finish the paperwork together"

Nanoha stared at Fate's outstretched hand.

"No thanks, that sounds boring" she said flatly before leaving.

Precia sighed and watched Yuno do his compulsory laps in his hamster wheel. "Sooo bored" she moaned.

Yuno glared at Precia but couldn't say a witty reply. He was too busy running to waste his breath on telling her to shut up.

"Jeez rodent boy, what do you do all day in this dump?" Precia whined as she started kicking the hamster cage in boredom.

Yuno's answer was to point down at the wheel.

"Oh, of course" Precia picked up a food pellet as she was kicking the cage walls and threw it at Yuno. He fell over and ended up flying out of the spinning wheel.

"What the hell Precia?!" screeched Yuno as he bounced off the floor.

"Meh, bored."

Hayate was walking down the street when she saw Signum walking Zafira (who wasn't even in his dog/wolf/whatever form, he just had a leash around his neck and was following Signum around. Signum wasn't even holding onto the leash)

"Hey guys? You going for a walk?" asked Hayate as she changed her pace to keep up with her friends.

"Yep, more or less" said Signum nonchalantly. Zafira said woof, even though he could talk as a dog.

"Oh, cool. I guess I'll join you!"


And so the three of them walked around aimlessly, with Signum (not) walking Zafira and Hayate (not not) groping Signum.

"Oh hey Signum, isn't Nanoha and Fate's house around here?" asked Hayate as she ignored all public decency laws yet somehow not being arrested.

Signum took a look around her surroundings, not to see if they were in Nanoha and Fate's neighborhood but to see if anyone had spotted that Hayate's hands were now inside her shirt.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that they live around here. By the way, what are you doing to my bra?"

"Bako bako bako bako BWOOSH!" Einhart rolled her toy tank across a mini sand castle she built as she imagined a city on fire with people screaming for their lives as a giant tank making 'bako bako bako' sounds squished them to death. She made the "BWOOSH" sound again as she imagined the turret of the tank shooting flames like a flamethrower, destroying and burning and crushing everything in it's way.

She was having fun.









"What are you doing?" Yuno was lazily lying on the ground, staring up at Precia as she kicked the cage walls.

"I'm kicking the cage walls." She replied flatly.




"Would you like it if I threw more food-pellets at you?"

"No thanks"


"Heiriparatzu-Heiriparatzu-Heiriparatzu-Heiriparatzu" droned Vivio as she flew her toy plane over a sand castle she built (which was more like a sand lump-of-sand.)

Einhart decided not to question Vivio about her choices of onomatopoeic sound effects anymore and was concentrating on quietly bringing COMPLETE AND TOTAL DESTRUCTION on her sand castle (which was more of a sand masterpiece, sadly)

"Open the bay doors!" ordered Vivio cheerfully as she acted out the MASS MURDER OF MILLIONS by carpet bombing her sand lump-of-sand. "Honk honk!"

"I thought I told you planes don't go honk" said Einhart listlessly as she slammed her tank into the walls of her sand masterpiece, causing it to fall down.

"I know, so I'm making the bombs go honk when they explode and destroy the orphanage" said Vivio innocently.

"Oh, okay" replied Einhart and went back to mentally committing atrocious war crimes in her imagination.

"Ah! I have to go home now!" exclaimed Vivio suddenly as she packed up her toys. "I'll see you tomorrow!"

"Bye bye!" waved Einhart as she watched Vivio leave. She then maneuvered her tank to destroy the sand lump-of-sand and it's inhabitants.

She was disappointed to find them dead already.

"Jeez Signum, why is your bra so hard to take off?!" fumed Hayate, tugging at the offending clothing but to no avail.

"I wouldn't know" Signum lied, hoping that she wouldn't figure out that the straps were hot-glued together.
"Hey, can you wait until AFTER we visit Fate and Nanoha before you strip me naked?"

"No waiting, I'm feeling you up right now and that's final" exclaimed Hayate as she used magic to shred the bra to pieces and began enjoying her 'reward'.

Zafira was ignoring the whole thing.

"Oh look, we're here" Signum said to try and distract Hayate from having fun with her funbags.

"Hm? Oh your right, I guess we should HOLY CRAP!" screamed Hayate.

Signum, with extreme difficulty due to the girl massaging her mammaries, drew her sword and began waving it around.
"What is it Hayate? Is it the cops? Have they finally noticed I'm being sexually assaulted?"

"It's not that, it's THAT!" Hayate pointed with her foot, because nothing was going to stop her from bouncing around Signum's boobs until she was good and ready(i.e: when Shamal comes along)

Signum looked down at Hayate's foot, then looked across to where it was pointing and saw...

"OH MY GOD YOU TWO, GET A ROOM!" screamed Signum

"I FINISHED THE PAPERWORK!" Fate shouted back as she wrestled Nanoha over her desk. Due to the fact that Nanoha had destroyed half the house several paragraphs ago, this wrestling match was open for the world to see.

Signum groaned and Hayate giggled.

"Fate-mama, Nanoha-mama, I'm back home!" called out Vivio. "Is the window open? Why is it so drafty in OH MY GOD!"

Signum dashed forward (with Hayate trailing behind as she clutched onto her ki-ki's) and covered Vivio's eyes, leading her away.

"Oh crap, Hayate! What should we do?!" panicked Signum as Vivio squirmed.

"Eh, just ignore it. I'm busy touching your ta-ta's" came the casual reply.

Zafira, amidst this confusion, was deadly calm.

He looked left.

He looked right.

Quickly seizing his chance, he pulled down his pants.

He shat on Nanoha and Fate's garden.

Cardboard box is here!

Natus's picture
Joined: 04/26/2011
Posts: 1261

Vivio Man 3: Because an on-the-spur-of-the-moment crack fic, a sequel and a spin-off isn't enough!


Last time on Vivio Man, Zafira was a BAD DOG and nothing especially interesting happened.


Ba da da da da
Ba da da da da
Ba da da da da
Ba da da da da


Ba da da da da
Ba da da da da
Ba da da da da
Ba da da da da


Ba da da da da
Ba da da da da
Ba da da da da

(Weird swirly thing)
(Inside a court room)

Einhart: Holy lost causes Vivio Man, I don't think this is going to end well!
Vivio: Don't be so negative, we can totally win this!

[We join our heroes in the courtroom, as they stand on trial for a multitude of criminal charges including copyright infringements among other things]

Judge: You may now begin the cross-examination, Mr. Wright

[Phoenix Wright is our heroes' lawyer. Unfortunately he's at that stage in the game where we all just present everything in our inventory as evidence, hoping we can just restart the game later and pretend we're legal geniuses.]

Phoenix: No wait, I got this one! Uhh... I have a bag of M and M's!

Judge: I like Smarties better, take this!
(The life bar thingy goes down)

Einhart: Oh my god we are so screwed
Vivio: Use some ACTUAL evidence moron!
Phoenix: Uh, hang on... My attorney badge!
Einhart: YOU IDIOT!
Vivio: We should have gotten Edgeworth! DO SOMETHING!
Phoenix: I HAS A PEN!
Judge: Oh snap, innocent!
Einhart: What the fu
Vivio: Don't question it, just drop it and go...


(Weird screen swirly thing again)
(Inside the Vivio Cave)

Einhart: Holy crap Vivio Man, I can't believe we actual got out of that
Vivio: Yeah, it was pretty close. We have any new missiony questy sort of things?
(Einhart walks over the Vivio Floor to the Vivio Mailbox outside the Vivio Cave)
Einhart: Uh... We may have won this week's sweepstakes?
Vivio: Boring, what else is there?
Einhart: (Flipping through the reams upon reams of endless junk mail) We can increase the size of our pen - fifteenth for 6 easy payments of $19.99...
Vivio: why would we have 15 pens? Any REAL mail?

[Einhart flips through the mail, throwing away all junk mail into the paper recycling bin. Because it's recycling is the right thing to do. Eventually she has thrown everything away except for one envelope.]

Einhart: Ohhhhhh crap...
Vivio: What?
Einhart: Yuno and Precia have broken out of prison!
Vivio: ...Son of a sea-lion


(Weird screen swirly thing again)
(Mid-Childa Prison)
Reinforce: I was wondering when you two would arrive.
Einhart: Eh? What are you doing here?
Reinforce: I'm not just the mayor you see; I'm also the warden of this place. I'm also the butcher, the baker, the candle stick maker, the police, the jailer, the executioner, the tax man, the army...
Einhart: Is this going to go on for any longer?
Reinforce: Long story short, I'm every public office and retail here in the city.
Einhart: Seriously? How do you-
Reinforce: Less talky more walky

[The three of them head to the cell/hamster cage that once held the villains. It's predictably empty of course.]

Einhart: Any idea how they escaped?
Reinforce: Let's check the security tapes


Yuno: -of a number between zero and infinity
Precia: 43,527.459 (kick)
Yuno: Oh my god, how do you even DO that?!
Precia: I'm hardcore (kick)
Yuno: What, are you still kicking that wall?
Precia: Better than anything else in here... (kick)


Precia: ...Holy crap, I broke the wall
Yuno: ...sweet!

End tape]

Einhart: Should of realized something stupid like that...
Reinforce: Well, we have absolutely no leads this time but you have to find those two and bring them back. Autobots, move out!
Einhart: What?!
Einhart: Yeah, I'm gunna go now.


(Weird screen swirly thing again)
(Vivio Cave)

Einhart: What's the matter Vivio Man? You've been kinda quiet...
Vivio: Ah, you see... I saw something.
Einhart: Saw what?
Vivio: Well...

(Flash back:

"Fate-mama, Nanoha-mama, I'm back home! Is the window open? Why is it so drafty in OH MY GOD!"

End flash back)

Einhart: Ouch.
Vivio: Let's go solve this already.


(Weird screen swirly thing again)

Yuno: You sure this will work?
Precia: Trust me, I have a plan that will get rid of Vivio Man and Einhart the Boy Wonder forever!

(Fade to black)

Look everyone, a cliff-hanger! Yay drama!

Cardboard box is here!

ditto526's picture
Joined: 08/17/2010
Posts: 295

Somebody has Waaaaaaaaay to much time on their hands
But i like it

Sigurd's picture
Joined: 05/30/2010
Posts: 903

You have to put these in spoiler tags...

Aka: [spoiler] BLAH [/spoiler.]

(Remove the period)

Courtesy of: ayahdiamon -- --

Natus's picture
Joined: 04/26/2011
Posts: 1261



Thanks, I'll do it now


Well that's strange, I can't find the edit button for one of my posts and sometimes the spoiler thingy just makes a giant grey blob...

Cardboard box is here!

Sigurd's picture
Joined: 05/30/2010
Posts: 903

That means someone literally replied on your original post and therefore cannot edit it anymore. And also that "grey blob" is what happens when your browser doesn't load properly.

Courtesy of: ayahdiamon -- --

Kasirganin Forveti's picture
Joined: 08/25/2010
Posts: 102

... I'm at a loss for words but that is a good thing, really. Please continue this madness, which came straight out of crack heaven.
Also, I think I love you for writing this. Marry me? Don't you dare say no! It's for science and justice!

Natus's picture
Joined: 04/26/2011
Posts: 1261

@ Ditto: Yes, I have nothing but free time, which I spend by dreaming up random crack. Which means more crack fics for you all to enjoy/suffer

@ Kasirganin: For science AND justice? How could I refuse?! HURRAY SCIENCE/JUSTICE!!



[We last left our heroes as they suffered from childhood trauma while the evil Precia and Yuno develop both their plot and mine]


(Weird screen swirly thing again)
(The Vivio Cave)

Vivio: Let's think, if I was the bad guys where would I hide?
Einhart: You'd wanna go somewhere really difficult to invade right?
Vivio: Not so! What you REALLY want is to go somewhere stupidly annoying for the good guy to get into, like in the middle of a frozen wasteland that's only accessible by doing crappy sliding ice puzzles and jumping on icy platforms that make you slip off!
Einhart: Holy hell on a stick, that's the most evilest thing I ever heard!


(The two of them dash towards a tricycle with a sidecar attached. Einhart hops into the sidecar while Vivio jumps into the driver's seat and peddles away)


(Weird screen swirly thing again)
(Inside Mid-Childa Airport)

Einhart: What are we doing here?
Vivio: Isn't it obvious? We're buying tickets to Antarctica!
Einhart: ...Seriously? You actual think they'll be there?
Vivio: Probably not! 2 child tickets please!
Reinforce: Oh hi guys, since kids travel free just go in and do whatever.
Einhart: You work here too?
Reinforce: I work EVERYWHERE. Even the shop where Nanoha and Fate get their 'wrestling supplies'
Einhart: ...ew


(Weird screen swirly thing again)
(In Antarctica)
Einhart: Who the hell would have a secret base here anyway?
Vivio: Bad guys. Let's go, hop on the Vivio Mobile.
Einhart: You brought it with you?
Vivio: ...No, I thought you had it
Einhart: ...Well fuc


(Weird screen swirly thing again)
(In the middle of Antarctica somewhere)
Vivio: Oh dear god, it's freezing out here! Whose stupid idea was it to come out here anyway?!
Einhart: YOURS
Vivio: Well it was a stupid idea! You should have stopped me!
Einhart: Don't blame me, they better be here!
Vivio: ...
Einhart: Hey, are you listening?!
Vivio: Now that I think about it, isn't the final boss always in a volcano or something?
Einhart: Huh? What?
Vivio: I mean, there ARE ice levels but they're usually a little past the second half of the game. Most of the final bosses are in volcanoes or something with fire and stuff right?
Einhart : So... You don't think they're here?
Vivio : Nope
Einhart : You changed your mind?
Vivio : Yep

[A polar bear has appeared and is making weird growly/snorty sounds at the two heroes. They aren't even polar bear sounds at all, hell it doesn't even sound like any kind of bear at all.
Actually, it doesn't even LOOK like a polar bear. God, even I don't know what the hell it's supposed to be...]

Sort-of Polar Bear thing: GraGraGruuu!
Vivio: Oh crap, it's a rabid koala!
Einhart: Oh, is THAT what it is?!
Sort-of Polar Bear/Koala thing: GraGuMoo! Piyun!
Vivio: Did it just go 'piyun'?
Einhart: Do we... fight it?
Vivio: What the hell is wrong with you, pandas are endangered!
Einhart: What, it's a panda now!?
Sort-of Polar Bear/Koala/Panda thing: Grikika! Grikika! Other assorted miscellaneous onomatopoeia sounds!
Vivio: Oh shit, the squirrel talks!
Einhart: Squirrels aren't even close to bears! How does this even look like a squirrel?
Vivio: How does it even look like anything!?
Einhart: Maybe we should just leave it and go...
Vivio: Yeah... Quick, to the Vivio Moboooooh crap I forgot


(Weird screen swirly thing again)
(Back in the Vivio Cave)
Einhart: Before you drag me to some random volcano, maybe we should do some research about where Precia and Yuno can be first.
Vivio: Okay then, I'll just Google it
Einhart: Uh, I don't think-
Vivio: Found it, lets go!
Einhart: What, seriously?!
Vivio: Quick, to the Vivio Mobile for realz this time!
Einhart: Never do that again


(The two of them dash towards a tricycle with a sidecar attached. Einhart hops into the sidecar while Vivio jumps into the driver's seat and peddles away)


(Weird swirly screen thing again)
(The bad guy's secret hideout)
Einhart: Seriously, they're in here?
Vivio: Yes, their secret base is this abandoned KFC!
Einhart: I wonder why?
???: Because the rent is cheap!

(Precia suddenly pops out from behind a counter)
Precia: Ah ha ha ha ha! Now you're trapped!

(The door locks behind our heroes. Yuno has sneaked up behind them and locked it)
Yuno: There is no escape!
Precia: Our plan is almost ready to be set in motion, now all we need is those two to arrive...

(Someone crashes through the window)
Fate: Unforgivable! The sailor-suited beautiful solider of love and justice: Sailor Fate! In the name of Nano/Fate, I will punish you!
(Fate is in her Sailor Moon outfit again, which reminds me that I should bring that post from to here)

Nanoha: Likewise, Sailor Nanoha!
(Nanoha tries to crash through another window but without the awesome powers of the moon prism thingy she lost back in Vivio Man 2 she can't)
Nanoha: Gah, my nose!

[Fate breaks the window for Nanoha and she climbs in]

Fate: We're here to stop you and steal the spotlight from Vivio and Einhart for the third time in a row!
Nanoha: What she said!
Vivio: Gee, thanks.
Yuno: Fools, you have walked right into our trap!
Precia: Initiate the evil plan!

[All the lights dim, throwing the room into darkness. Suddenly, two spot lights focus on Precia and Vivio. The lights are so strong however that it brings tears to Vivio's eyes while Precia swears under her breath while she is momentarily blinded.]

Precia: Vivio Man...
Vivio: Hang on, gimme a sec
[Einhart hands Vivio a handkerchief, who uses it to dry her eyes]
Vivio: Okay, go
Precia: Vivio Man, I am... YOUR GRANDMOTHER!
(Insert Darth Vader's theme here)
Precia: It's true! Sorta, kinda... Anyway, join me and the dark side!
Vivio: How about no?
Precia: ...Damn, I was sure that would work.
Einhart: Are you serious?
Precia: Time for Plan Q!
Yuno: You mean B?
Precia: Shut up, whatever!

[Another spot light appears, focusing on a door on the far wall]
Precia (in an extra sugary sweet, highly suspicious tone): Oh Vivio, your grandma has got you lots of presents!
Vivio: ...Really?
Precia: Yup, and candy too!
Vivio: Seriously, really?!
Precia: Of course, now why don't you and your friend go in that room all the way over there and play?
Vivio: YAAAAY!!

(Vivio grabs onto Einhart and cheerfully drags her off into the mysterious side-room]

Nanoha: You monster, you lured innocent kids into a trap!
Precia: Not really, there really is presents and candy in there.
Fate: What, seriously? How come you were never this nice to me?
Precia: Because A) you suck and Q)
Yuno: You mean B
Precia: WHATEVER! 2) I always wanted grand-kids which I will never get with YOU Fate!
Fate: Oh shut up!
Precia: At least Alicia would have given me grand-kids cause she is isn't a homo like you!
Nanoha: Ouch man, harsh.
Fate: Yeah well...uh
Precia: Alicia would have come back with a come-back too!
Fate: Yeah well, Alicia will never come back cause she's DEAD
Nanoha: Um, that's kinda harsh too...
Precia: Now that I have the kids out of the way, I just need to get rid of you!
Yuno: I'm pretty sure you meant B instead of 2 back there
Precia: Shut up and bind them!

[Yuno does the only thing he's good at and binds Nanoha and Fate. Well, that's not fair. He's good at library stuff as well, you know, stuff that doesn't pull chicks]

Precia: Now all that's left is to get rid of you two while you can't hit back!
Nanoha: You are such a JERK Precia!
Precia: It's whipping time! (She pulls out her whip)
Nanoha: Stop right there, I won't anyone whip Fate except me!
Precia: ...What?
Nanoha: Nothing.
Precia: I'll just whip you instead!

???: Hold it right there!
(The ceiling explodes, sending rubble falling down that miraculously seems to bury no-one except Yuno. The shockwave from the blast breaks every window in the building.)
Yuno: No, it can't be you!...
???: YES, it's me! HAYATE!

[Hayate has recycled an old gag and is in her Sailor Moon outfit again]
Precia: Who the hell are you?!
Hayate: I could ask the same thing!
Fate: Oh right, Hayate; this is my mother. Mother, this is my friend Hayate
Nanoha: This kinda isn't the time for that kind of introduction...
Precia: ...What, is she gay like you too?
Fate: I'm pretty sure she's bi
Hayate: WHAT?!
Precia: Enough chit chat, time for the whip!

[Precia whips Nanoha. Who is tied up with magic thingies. In a dark room]
Hayate: Hey, am I interrupting something? Cause I can leave if-
Nanoha: Just come and save us!
Yuno: Not if I bind you first!

[Yuno binds Hayate]
Hayate: Crap, I forgot all about you!
Yuno: Hey man, that hurts...
Precia: Now I'm pretty sure no can is left to stop me!
???: Hold it right there!
Precia: OH COME ON!

[The door explodes off it's hinges and Einhart enter the room]
Precia: What the... but you left with Vivio a couple of paragraphs ago!
Einhart: WRONG! You see, I'm not the real Einhart; I'm...

[Einhart transforms like a Transformer, with that same sound that they do. You know what I mean]

Fake Einhart: I'm really a Decepticon!
[The fake Einhart has transformed from Einhart to Einhart. In other words, she didn't really change at all except for the decepticon symbol on her chest]

Hayate: Holy crap, Rein was on to something!
Fake Einhart: Sorry Precia, but I can't let you get away with this as it would interrupt my plans.
Precia: Let's see you say that after you've been binded! YUNO!

[Yuno tries to bind the Fake Einhart but is kicked in the nuts instead]
Yuno: WHY?!
Fake Einhart: I dunno, I thought you always had to attack the boss in it's weak-spot

[With Yuno down Nanoha, Fate and Hayate break free from their bonds and beat the living shit out of Precia]


(Weird swirly screen thing again)
(Mid-Childa Prison, outside Precia and Yuno's cell/giant hamster cage)
Reinforce: Good work guys, Yuno and Precia have been re-arrested.
Nanoha: Thanks
Fate: No problem
Hayate: Glad to help
Precia: Heh heh heh...
Reinforce: Eh? What are you scheming Precia?
Precia You think I didn't incorporate a back up plan into my stratagy?! Fools! Now you will have to face my secret weapon!

[Something suddenly bursts into the room and knocks Nanoha and Fate down. Hayate and Reinforce get into fighting poses and are ready to bomb the crap out of the intruder when they see...]

Vivio: hinanohamamaandfatemamaguesswhatiateatonofcandylikeahugeamountofcandyanditwasyummyandtastyandyummyandsweetandyummyandyummyandeinharthadsometooanditwasyummyandweplayedwithallthesetoysandstuffthatpreciagaveusanditwasfunandweateallhercandyanditwasyummy-

Hayate: Whoa, what?
Precia: BEHOLD, MY SECRET WEAPON! By feeding her nothing but candy and giving her truckloads of toys and presents, I have not only made her like me more than she likes you losers but I have also made her hyperactive!
Fate: NOOO!!
Nanoha: You monster!
Precia: Since she's your kid, you guys have to deal with her now! Ah ha ha ha ha!
Hayate: ...What an evil genius!
Reinforce: Really? Isn't that standard grandma behaviour?
Precia: No, standard grandma behaviour is all of the above plus giving them money.


(Weird swirly screen thing again)

And so at long last, Precia and Yuno have been captured after they broke out of jail.

Nanoha and Fate had one of the most major parenting trials of their life when they tried to handle hyper Vivio, which only became worse when hyper Einhart came to play as well.

Hayate and Reinforce painted their nails. That's it.

Alfred the butler never appeared and never will.

Zafira was never caught for pooping in the garden. He's on his way now to do it again.


Fake Einhart: That was too close... I have to finish this soon before this thing gets any more corrupted...
Sort-of Polar Bear/Koala/Panda/Squirrel thing: Hibechukaraak! KURAKOORORAKASNACKADACKA!

Cardboard box is here!

Kasirganin Forveti's picture
Joined: 08/25/2010
Posts: 102

Precia: Alicia would have come back with a come-back too!
Fate: Yeah well, Alicia will never come back cause she's DEAD

[le gasp!]
LIEZ! People never die foah realz! They are put on a bus or mysteriously vanish or get revived in some weird way or enter a parallel universe after 'death'... but they never stay dead!

Natus's picture
Joined: 04/26/2011
Posts: 1261

Before I forget, I'm pulling the original Vivio Man from some other thready thing to here!


Quick, to the Vivio-Cave! (swirly cut-to thing here)(Inside the Vivio-Cave...)

Vivio: Well if it isn't my trusty sidekick Einhart, Boy Wonder!
Einhart: I'm a girl.
Vivio: Whatever.
Einhart: It's terrible Vivio-Man!
Vivio: I'm a girl.
Einhart:Whatever. The mayor's been kidnapped and the kidnapper left us this video tape!
Vivio:Play the tape and see what the kidnappers want!

(They insert the tape into a VCR and play the tape)
Einhart: Holy old technology that no one uses anymore Vivio Man-
Vivio: I'm a girl.
Einhart: Whatever. It's The Ferret!

(Camera changes to focus on a TV screen playing the tape. Yuno is on the screen, wearing a suit complete with a top hat, monocle and an umbrella. He's also really fat for some reason and is surrounded by henchmen dressed like ferrets)

Yuno: Greetings, Vivio-man!
Vivio: I'm a girl.
Yuno: Whatever. I have kidnapped the Mayor of Mid-Childa City and I'm holding him captive in my Ferret Den of Evil! Soon I will brainwash him to become my slave, allowing me control of the entire city! Mwa ha ha ha ha!

(Video ends)
Einhart: Holy plot-device Vivio Ma-
(Vivio stares at Einhart. There is an awkward silence for several seconds)
Einhart: Vivio...Woman?
Vivio: Damn straight, carry on
Einhart: Holy plot-device Vivio Woman, we need to save the Mayor!
Vivio: Quick, to the Vivio-Mobile!


(The two of them dash towards a tricycle with a sidecar attached. Einhart hops into the sidecar while Vivio jumps into the driver's seat and peddles away)


(Weird swirly screen thing again)

(At the Ferret Den of Evil)
Vivio: Stop, evil-doer! We're to kick your ass and rescue the princess!
Einhart: Mayor.
Vivio: Right, Mayor, WHATEVER!
Yuno: It's too late Vivio Man!
Vivio: I'm a girl.
Yuno: Okay, fine. Look, bottom line is that my mind control device has been completed and I'm ready to make the Mayor my puppet!

(Yuno points his umbrella at the girls)
Yuno: This is the end of the line for you two, I'll be using you as test subjects for my mind-control device!
Einhart: Bring it on!
Vivio: What she said!
Yuno: HERE I GO!

(Yuno shakes his umbrella a bit while pointing it at our heroes)
Yuno: Go away!
Vivio: ... Um, no?
Yuno: Curses! I'll have to turn it up!

(Yuno rapidly opens and closes his umbrella, absolutely nothing happens)
Yuno: Take that! Now bugger off and leave me alone!
Vivio: Yeah, I'm just gonna kick your ass and get this over with.
Yuno: You give me no choice but to set my device to full power!

(Yuno opens the umbrella and waves it above his head)
Vivio: Okay, this is getting stupid
Umbrella: Stand-by ready. Set-up.
Vivio: Eh?

(Bits of the umbrella fall off, revealing Raising Heart)
Einhart: Holy crap Vivio Man, we're screwed!
Vivio: I'm a girl dammit!
Einhart: WHATEVER!
Yuno: Now let me show you how the mind-control works!

(He points RH in their general direction)
Yuno: Do what I say or eat SLB.
Einhart: Sure, okay.
Vivio: What she said.
Yuno: Now nothing can stop me! Mwa ha ha ha ha!
Vivio: You fiend! What are you planning to do once your mind control the Mayor?!
Yuno: Isn't it obvious? I'm going to turn the entire city into a YUNO/NANOHA FANFIC FACTORY! MWA HA HA HA HA HA!!
Einhart: Holy shit!
Vivio: You monster!

???: Hold it right there!
(Some-one jumps through a window, sending shattered glass shards flying everywhere)
???: Unforgivable! The sailor-suited beautiful solider of love and justice: Sailor Fate! In the name of Nano/Fate, I will punish you!

(Fate strikes a pose while wearing a Sailor Moon outfit. Vivio, Einhart and Yuno are completely dumbfounded)

???: Likewise, Sailor Nanoha!
(Nanoha crashes through another window, landing next to Fate and posing with her)
Yuno: Stop that! Do you know how much this place cost me!?

???: Likewise, Sailor Hayate!
(The ceiling explodes, sending rubble falling down that miraculously seems to bury no-one except Yuno. The shockwave from the blast breaks every window in the building.)
Yuno: God damn it, I'm not paying for that!

(Yuno tunnels out of the rubble, only to find that Vivio and Einhart are taking pictures of the Sailors while they continue posing. He's been completely forgotten in the span of 15 seconds)

Yuno: It's not over yet, I still have the Mayor as hostage!
(Yuno pulls Reinforce Zwei out of his pocket, who is ignoring everything and painting her nails. He points the tip of RH straight at Reinforce, who doesn't notice and is taking off her shoes to paint her toes)

Yuno: Now I'll mind control the Mayor and-
Hayate: Yeaaaaaaaah no you don't
(Hayate yanks RH from Yuno and just as quickly rescues Reinforce as well)

Yuno: NOOO! How could I be defeated?!
Hayate: Dude, you're pretty useless...
Nanoha: Ohhhhh Fate, you were soooooooooooo brave
Fate: Oh really? How about you and I go find a place to... wrestle? (said while wriggling eyebrows suggestively)

And so in the end Reinforce was rescued and Yuno's evil plot was stopped.

Hayate took Reinforce back home, where they painted each others' nails matching colours.

Nanoha and Fate had a hot, steamy wrestling session which I can't go into details about.

Yuno was arrested and sentenced to spend his life locked up in a giant hamster cage, including 3 compulsory hours of running on the hamster wheel.

Vivio and Einhart wasted half an hour of their time with the whole thing so they took a vacation in Hawaii.

Well, not really Hawaii. They just played in a sand box and used their imaginations.

Alfred the butler never appeared at all. Poor Alfred, he's all left out.

Cardboard box is here!

Natus's picture
Joined: 04/26/2011
Posts: 1261

The following is based on a true story. Everything that happens is one hundred percent, real life fiction. Names have not been changed to unprotect people's identities.

But that's not here or there, let's move on to the next dosage of crack.


"-and that's when I said 'Strikers? I barely know her!'" Hayate retold her story with a mischievous grin on her face while Nanoha laughed until she cried.

Our story is set some-time after A's but while the cast are still little kids (simply because that's the form I'm most used to seeing them in.) Nanoha and Fate are meeting at Hayate's house to chat. Or at least, Nanoha is...

"Oh wow Hayate, you just HAVE to tell Fate that story" smiled Nanoha as she wiped the tears from her eyes. "It was simply too funny"

"Yeah, where is Fate anyway?" asked Hayate while glancing at a nearby clock. "Is she usually this late?"

"Oh yeah, you wouldn't believe it but Fate is actually horrible at keeping time. She should be here soon though" answered Nanoha.

Hayate hummed thoughtfully at this news. As she did so she tilted her neck slightly so that she was looking at the ceiling. That was when shit hit the fan.

Hayate suddenly screamed, causing Nanoha to jump.

"Huh?! Hayate, what's wrong?"

"FWAVDFBDSVG#$T345>G>" screamed Hayate, throwing an insane amount of gibberish at Nanoha's face. Don't ask me how you even pronounce that, I'm assuming that part of Hayate's powers are that she can speaks fluent crazy talk.

"Huh? What?! Hayate, slow down! I can't understand what your saying!" pleaded Nanoha. Hayate's answer was to scream more nonsense while pointing at the ceiling. That's when Nanoha looked up. This marked the point where not only did shit hit the fan, but the toilet too.

"OH DEAR GOD SPIDER!!" shrieked Nanoha as she started wildly flailing her arms around while falling over backwards. The sheer force of her arm movements actually propelled her back towards a standing position however.

The spider, as if it was on a mission from the devil himself, started to slowly descend upon the two panicking girls on a line of spider-web. They started screaming harder at this.

I should also point out that this is not just some ordinary house spider. Calling it a tarantula might be closer to the truth. Of course, that would be a bit of a understatement.

Dude, the thing was freaking huge. Chuck Norris would piss his pants if he saw this thing.

Hayate screamed more gibberish as if she was trying to banish the spider with words (considering that she can use magic, it might have worked). Meanwhile Nanoha was teetering dangerously in every direction while frothing at the mouth as if she had rabies, the force of her arm flailing the only thing keeping her up-right.

Maybe the words spewing out of Hayate's mouth actually did something because as if by magic the madness suddenly stopped.

"H-huh? Where did the spider go?" Nanoha asked nervously as her eyes darted around looking for the monstrosity. Seeing no sign of the cat sized evil, Nanoha gave a sigh of relief.
"That was pretty close, huh Hayate?"

Hayate gave no response.

"Hayate? What's the oh my god" Nanoha stopped breathing. Hayate was going slightly blue as if she stopped breathing a while ago. The spider, during the confusion, had somehow attached itself right on top of Hayate's face like some kind of Face-Hugger about to lay it's eggs in her. Only much scarier.

Hayate, with the slow and steady deliberateness of a ninja sneaking downstairs for a midnight snack, very carefully used magic to trace a message to Nanoha in the air:


Nanoha ran away.

Hayate's response was an enthusiastic and very passionate flipping of the bird. (Or giving her the finger, whatever you want to call it...)

All hope was not lost for the wheel-chair bound girl as Nanoha soon returned with one of the most trustiest spider squishing weapons around: a broom stick.

"Okay Hayate, here's the plan" Nanoha called out. "It's kinda complicated so listen carefully. On the count of 3, I'm going to hit the spider off your face with the broom and then we both run away"

Hayate wanted to know how that was supposed to be complicated but didn't say anything in case she breathed in spider (or was suddenly orally impregnated)

"Here we go Hayate: One... two..."

Hayate braced herself for impact


Nanoha swung the broom with all her might.

And missed.

Well, not really. She missed the spider but she ended up smashing Hayate's skull in. At least she hit something, right?

"GAH! I think I lost a tooth!" screamed Hayate as she clutched her head. "What the hell girl?!"

"Hayate, I am so sorry!" apologised Nanoha. "Hey wait, where's the spider?"

At that moment, Hayate's chest began to squirm.

"OH MAH GOD HAYATE'S BEEN INFECTED BY T3H EVIL!" was Nanoha's response as she readied the broom for another hit.

"GAH IT'S IN MY CLOTHES! Take them off!" Hayate ordered as she began to struggle to take her shirt off. The two of them pulled off Hayate's top and threw it to the ground where Nanoha bashed the clothing with her broom and then stomped on it for good measure.

There was silence.

"...Is it over?" asked Hayate slowly as the adrenaline wore down.

"Yeah, I think I killed it" Nanoha, exhausted, sat down on the floor and gave a sigh of relief. "That was something else huh, Hayate?" chuckled Nanoha nervously.

"Nanoha..." said Hayate flatly. "I feel something tickling me inside my skirt"

Nanoha, from her position on the floor, slowly tilted her head so she could look up her friend's skirt. "Do you think..."

"Please check before I piss myself"

Nanoha steeled her nerves and then lifted Hayate's skirt slightly. "I don't see anything..." was Nanoha's report, peering into her skirt.

The stress proved to much for Hayate to handle. She suddenly grabbed Nanoha's head and thrust it into her skirt.

"I WANT YOU TO LOOK CLOSER" raged Hayate, amidst screaming like a lunatic. "LOOK REALLY, REALLY CLOSE! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOOOOOOD!"

You know how sometimes, it feels like the universe decides to make you it's bitch boy for the day and completely ruins your life? That in three, two, one...

"Hey guys, sorry I'm late!" Fate called out as she entered the room and the story. "I know I'm really late but I brought some... snacks..."

Fate has just walked into the following situation: Hayate is for some reason topless. Nanoha's head is inside Hayate's skirt, while Hayate screams repeatedly. And finally, as if to add the icing on the screw-you cake, there is a broom in the room for no discernible reason as well.

Fate got the wrong idea in her head.
"NANOHA WITH HAYATE?! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! NANOHA YOU JERK!" screamed Fate as she ran outside, crying.

"No, I don't think the spider's there" Nanoha answered from in Hayate's skirt, not even hearing Fate due to Hayate's much more louder voice.

Hayate finally seemed to calm down at this news. "Oh thank god!" She exclaimed, she was so relieved that she was crying.

Which is when Vita dropped in, because the universe doesn't let you go that easily.

"Hey Hayate, are Nanoha and Fate here yet? I want to WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE!? Why is Hayate crying? Why isn't she wearing a shirt? Why is Nanoha's head inside Hayate's skirt? Why is there a broom here? WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO HAYATE?!"

Cue explosions.

Cardboard box is here!

Kasirganin Forveti's picture
Joined: 08/25/2010
Posts: 102

Hayate wanted to know how that was supposed to be complicated but didn't say anything in case she breathed in spider (or was suddenly orally impregnated)

... oh god, ewww. What is wrong with you? I think I won't be able to sleep anymore... [shudders] ohgodohgodohgod! Eeeeewwww...

Something completly else: Fate, calm down. Look forward to the hot yuri threesome!

Juno's picture
Joined: 12/29/2010
Posts: 658

You kidding? This line/fic is pure win. XD

Question, what kind of spider was it? O.o'

Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. ~Author Unknown

Natus's picture
Joined: 04/26/2011
Posts: 1261

Vivio Man 4:
The one which introduces the overarching plot line.



Last time on Vivio Man, Precia and Yuno took over an abandoned KFC and gave Vivio a truck load of candy, causing Vivio to become hyperactive and annoy her parents.

[Mid-Childa Prison]
Yuno: Well, THAT went well
Precia: ...
Yuno: You said that your plan was guaranteed to work!
Precia: ... ...
Yuno: Purple girl, are you listening? Hey!
Precia: Hmm hmm hmm
Yuno: What?
Precia: Ah ha ha ha ha!
Yuno: Eh? What's this all of a sudden?!
Precia: AH HA HA HA HA HA!!
Yuno: Oh crap she's lost it! Guards! GUARDS! GUA-ARRRRRGH!!


(Weird swirly screen thing again)
(Vivio Cave)
Vivio: I'm thinking of a number between 1 and infinity
Einhart: I'm not playing this game with you
Vivio: Oh come on, I'm so bored!
Einhart: Then go out and fight evil and crime or something!
Vivio: But nothing bad's happening.
Einhart: Then go fight poverty and world hunger
Vivio: Nah, I'll see what's on TV instead.

TV: (news jingle) Welcome back to incredibly strange coincidence news, bringing you up to date news when the plot calls for it. Last night in the Mid-Childa City prison two prisoners were Hiza wo kakaete heya no katasumi itsumo fuande furueteta-
Einhart: Whoa, wait, what?! Did you change the channel? Go back to the news!
Vivio: Eh, news is boring. I'll just watch the original series of Nanoha instead.
Einhart: ...You mean Lyrical Toy Box?
Vivio: Don't make me come and smack you
Einhart: Yes ma'am
TV: We interrupt your awesome program for this unimportant news update
TV: Two captive pandas at the zoo did a little dance. That is all.
Vivio: Dammit, I better not have missed anything important...
TV: Make a little wish koron dari mayottari suru keredoanata ga ite kureru kara watashi ha egao de imasu genki desu-

[Vivio picks up the TV and hurls it across the room]
Vivio: Bullshit, the show's already over!
Einhart: That was quick... Also, I'm not paying for that.
Vivio: I will have my vengeance! Quick, to the Vivio Mobile!
Einhart: Um, I'd rather not to be honest...
Vivio: I see, does someone need another dose of the PIMPING HAND?!
Einhart: No ma'am, I'll be good!


(The two of them dash towards a tricycle with a sidecar attached. Einhart hops into the sidecar while Vivio jumps into the driver's seat and peddles away)


(Weird swirly screen thing again)
[TV station thingy]

[Vivio drives through the main entrance, smashing through the door and sending people panicking. Debris from the door fly and hit some people, knocking them out. Fires start up spontaneously and the whole building is suddenly burning. The fire alarm goes off and the sprinkler system does as good a job at putting the fires out as a puppy drooling over the sun would. The structure of the building is compromised and badly damaged, causing it to begin to fall down. Rubble falls on top of people causing massive injuries and loss of life. People evacuate while screaming, some of them badly hurt. The fire department arrives and they try to put out the fire. They can't as the blaze is too strong. As the fires burn, Vivio calmly walks out of the building with Einhart following sheepishly and pretending she wasn't involved with the whole mess at all.]

Vivio: Sorry about that, I couldn't find a good place to park.
Einhart: You moron...
Reinforce: Oh crap, the fire hoses aren't working! Someone get me a flamethrower, I'm going to fight fire with fire!
Einhart: I don't think it works like that... By the way, your a fireman too?
Reinforce: I'm everything. What the hell did you two do?!
Vivio: I dunno, I was just looking for a place to park.

[Some random nobody-important-just-some-extra-kinda-person runs up to Reinforce Zwei and hands her a flamethrower. S/he will never be seen again in this show but will brag about it to all of his/her friends/cats.]
Reinforce: Thanks, now it's time to put this fire out!
Einhart: I'm telling you it won't-
Vivio: Shush, I want to see this.

[Reinforce fires the flamethrower at the burning building. The fire catches on fire and burns away]
Einhart: Bullshit. I refuse to believe it.
[The fires that burned down the fires are now burning down the building again.
Reinforce sprays fire on the fire that burnt down the fire, causing the fire burning fire to catch on fire and start burning. She then sprays THAT fire burning fire that's burning the original fire burning fire with another stream of fire burning fire that burns the fire that's burning the fire that burnt the first fire that was burning the building]

Vivio: ...Can you explain that again?
Einhart: She's using fire to fight fire fighting fire that's fighting fire after it fought some fire to fight some fire because she's a firefighter who fights fires...
Vivio: Um-
Einhart: With fire.
Vivio: OHHH, now I get it!


(Weird swirly screen thing again)
(Mid-Childa Prison)
Vivio: EH?! Why are we being arrested?
Einhart: I didn't even do anything!
Reinforce: Too bad, we can't let that whole 'burning down the TV station with a tricycle' incident go.
Vivio: Fine then, lock us up you midget!
Einhart: Oh, here we go...


(Weird swirly screen thing again)
(Outside the remains of the TV station)
???: Everything is going just as planned... With those two out of the way, there is nothing to stop me from my re-assimilation plot!


(Weird swirly screen thing again)
(Mid-Childa Prison)

[Precia has a twisted, evil, diabolical grin on her face. Yuno is cowering under a pile of hay and has dragged the giant hamster wheel around to make it a barrier between them.]

Precia: Well now, isn't THIS interesting?

[Vivio and Einhart are locked in the same cell/hamster cage as Precia and Yuno. They are shitting their pants in fear]

Vivio: Move over Ferret, let us in too!
Yuno: Hell no, you smell like poo!
Einhart: This is all your fault for calling Reinforce a midget!
Precia: (still smiling)
Vivio: Hey, you aren't angry at us right?
Precia: (still smiling)
Einhart: We didn't even do anything last time, remember?
Precia: (still smiling)
Vivio: Oh hell, your going to make us your prison bitches aren't you?
Yuno: Sorry, positions taken
Einhart: What?
Yuno: Nothing...

[Precia pulls out the last thing anyone wants to see in a prison cell. It's not a shiv, its a...]
Vivio: Oh dear god it's a bar of soap...
Einhart: We are so screwed...
Precia: No, at least not YET anyway (smiling)

What is Precia planning?
Who is the mysterious person and what is the re-assimilation plan?
How is this supposed to end? (I honestly haven't figured that out yet)
Will that one guy impress his friends/cats/parents?

No, s/he won't. They'll just pretend like they care though.

@ Kasirganin: In my world, people die permanently. While saying that, due to my world being as sensible as silly string in a bouncy castle that's attached to a pick-up truck with crap suspension going over some rough terrain... What was my point again?

Oh yeah, people permanently die unless it's not permanent. Which gives me ideas...

Also, face huggers are icky

Cardboard box is here!

Kasirganin Forveti's picture
Joined: 08/25/2010
Posts: 102

No, people don't die permanently, they die, revive and then they go buy cigarettes. Strangely they always lose their way home, which is the reason why some never return... yeah, that must be the explanation.

O_O Totally forgot my actual reason to comment.
PLOT!? You dare to introduce a plot? NOES! The world will end if some wannabe villain tries to use your fail-heroines for their evil, illogical and megalomaniac schemes! Quick, get Sailor Fate and Nanoha!

Natus's picture
Joined: 04/26/2011
Posts: 1261

@Kasirganin: Sorryz, but I've already written up some stuff in advance XD But don't worry, it's not an especially deep plot or anything!

Also, people only reveal they're not dead when it's awesome for them to do so, it's a conspiracy!

Vivio Man 4 part 2!
The part where the plot starts to come together


Last time, our heroes were arrested for arson and are probably screwed.


(Weird swirly screen thing again)
(Mid-Childa Prison)

Precia: -and that's how we make a soap shiv
Vivio: Wow!

(Precia has carved a shiv out of a bar of soap and is showing it to Precia and Einhart. Yuno has fallen asleep under the hay he's been hiding under)

Reinforce: Hey, you got visitors!
(Reinforce Zwei leads Nanoha and Fate towards the cell. Nanoha bursts forward all teary eyed and stuff)

Nanoha: Oh my poor baby, how could you be arrested?!
Einhart: How could she NOT?
Vivio: Um, there there? (awkwardly trying to comfort Nanoha)

(Fate and Precia stare each other down)
Fate: Precia...!
Precia: Fate...!
Fate: Precia!
Precia: Fate!
Fate: PRECIA!!
Precia: FATE!!
Precia: GRRRR!

(The two lunge at each other and begin arm-wrestling through the cage bars. However, they're doing it in mid-air making it really hard to actually win, let alone play properly)

(Fate starts windmilling her free arm around while Precia does wild pelvic thrusts as they arm wrestle and scream at each other. In the background Nanoha is crying hysterically while Vivio reaches through the bars and uncomfortably pats her on the back. Einhart is giving the hamster wheel an experimental spin while desperately attempting to ignore everything around her while Reinforce Zwei paints her nails.

Zafira is also probably taking a dump in their Nanoha's flower garden while this is happening as well. Bad dog. Baaaaaad dog.)


(Weird swirly screen thing again)
(Hayate is checking her mail while feeling Shamal up, making her the last of the Wolkenritter to appear yet the only one to not say anything as I haven't forgiven her for the trauma she put me through in the PSP game yet)

Hayate: Let's see... Sweepstake junk mail, pen15 size junk mail, bills, more bills, some other guy's mail... (flips through some more paper) Oh, this looks interesting!

(Hayate uses her free hand to give a letter to Shamal who dutifully opens it while Hayate gets some two handed action going on. After she opens it, Shamal hands the opened letter back to Hayate. Hayate holds the letter in one hand while molesting Shamal with the other.)

Hayate: Huh, it's a threatening letter. Oh well, I'm sure that it's nothing important to the plot or anything like that
???: On the contrary, it's the only thing that can move the plot forward at this stage
Hayate: Huh?! But you're...!


(Weird swirly screen thing again)

Fate: Your going DOWN purple bitch!
Precia: Oh yeah, let's see you take this!
(Precia whips Fate with her free hand as they continue to arm wrestle. Fate responds by repeatedly punching Precia)
Vivio: There there...
Einhart: So if I spin the wheel like this then
Yuno: Zzzzz
Reinforce: I wonder if I should paint my toes next?

(Hayate bursts in)
Hayate: Guys, we have trouble! ...What's going on here?
Reinforce:: Not a clue
Einhart: Don't think about it too much, you'll hurt yourself
Hayate: Anyway, my magic book thingy was stolen!
Reinforce: You mean the Book of Darkness/Tome of the Night Sky thingy?
Hayate: Yeah, that!
Precia: HAH I WIN!
Fate: Bullshit, you used both hands! REMATCH!


(Weird swirly screen thing again)
(Outside Hayate's house. A storm is brewing and seems to be centered on her house as well. Cue thunder and lightning in the background.)

(Hayate, Nanoha and Fate rush onto the scene. Reinforce Zwei is leading Vivio and Einhart, who are handcuffed in the understanding that if the situation goes badly then Reinforce will let the two go free and leave them to fight while the rest run away. There is someone on Hayate's roof)

???: So you have finally come...
Hayate: Gimme my book back!
???: The book of Darkness? I think not
Fate: Wait, you're...!
???: That is correct, I am-

(The mystery person jumps down from Hayate's roof. It's Fake Einhart.)
Nanoha: Oh my god, it's Einhart!
(Nanoha rushes over to the hand-cuffed Einhart and punches her in the face)
Einhart: GAH! What the hell?!
Fake Einhart: No, it's me remember? At the end of Vivio Man 3?
Nanoha: Oh yeah, the Decepticon! Take this, robot!
(Punches Einhart again)
Einhart: Dammit, she's over THERE! (points at Fake Einhart)
Fake Einhart: As amusing as this is, I need to prepare for the assimilation...

(Something bursts out of Hayate's house. It's the Sort-of Polar Bear/Koala/Panda/Squirrel thing from Antarctica.)
Sort-of Polar Bear/Koala/Panda/Squirrel thing: KURIIIIN!
Hayate: Ew, what is this thing?
Fate: Who cares, kill it!
Nanoha: Okay, I'll just... huh? Where's Raising Heart?!
Fate: ...Did you ever get it back off Precia who stole it from you back in Vivio Man 2?
Nanoha: Dammit...
Fate: How could you forget?!
Fake Einhart: Behold, my true form!

(Fake Einhart makes more Transformer sounds as she transforms. She is revealed to be...)
Hayate: Oh my god, can it be?!...
Nanoha: Impossible, it's impossible!
Fate: We killed you! Your dead and we killed you!
???: Unfortunately, I'm back to initiate the re-assimilation sequence and destroy you all...

(Fade to black)

Who is the mysterious newcomer?
What the hell is the sort-of Polar Bear/Koala/Panda/Squirrel thing supposed to be?
What are they doing and what are they plotting?
Will Yuno ever wake up?
Will Precia and Fate ever have a rematch?
Without Raising Heart (and by extension Nanoha) there to help, what will happen to our heroes?

Find out next time in the stunning finale of Vivio Man 4!

Cardboard box is here!

Kasirganin Forveti's picture
Joined: 08/25/2010
Posts: 102

And most importantly: Will Vivio Man and Einhart the Boy Wonder ever do something useful? ...unlikely! But there is still hope... somewhere. Maybe? No? No, probably not.

Nanoha: We still love you, Vivio, despite your obvious dumbness and I'm quite worried about your war games... and those onomatopoeia... [pats Vivio on the head]
Vivio: Not helping, mum.
Fate: Maybe we should have her tested? Or it might just be a phase.
Vivio: ... I'm going to blow your car up!
Fate: With what? Your plastic tank? Oh, I'm scared now! Buhu~NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—!!

Natus's picture
Joined: 04/26/2011
Posts: 1261

Vivio Man 4: Last part
At 3 parts, probably one of the most longest Vivio Man stories to date!


Reinforce Zwei: Oh hey, I look cool all grown up
Reinforce Eins: It is I, the original Reinforce!


Fate: How is that possible, we destroyed you to get rid of the corrupted defense program in the Book of Darkness!
Reinforce Eins: Unfortunantely for you; shooting, bombing, stabbing, freezing, throwing and black-hole dimensional nuking the defense core wasn't enough to kill it. So here we are.
Hayate: ...we?
Reinforce Eins: Oh, this thing here is the defense program
Sort of Polar Bear/Koala/Panda/squirrel thing that's actually the Book of Darkness' defense program: Yo
Nanoha: Oh, it THAT what that thing is? I thought it was a badger!
Fate: Really? I was thinking somewhere along the lines of wombat...
Hayate: What about a pigeon?
Nanoha and Fate: Oh yeah!

[Reinforce fires a blast of magic that sends the three flying]
Eins: Enough of this! I will now begin to reinstall both the defense program and myself into the Book of Darkness, making it the most broken Macguffin item in the universe once more!
Einhart: I'm pretty sure it's more like an Artifact of Doom...
Nanoha: Quick Fate, you have to stop her!
Fate: Wait, why me!?
Nanoha: Because Hayate and I don't have our magic devicey things anymore so it's all up to you!
Fate: Well shit

[Fate walks up to Reinforce and brandishes Bardiche]
Fate: So yeah, stop and don't make me kick your ass and stuff
Eins: You don't sound very convincing
Fate: Yeah...
Eins: Anyway, see this? (points at the defense program) That thing that took like, 10 of you to defeat AND some sort of giant warship thing to defeat? Remember that? You think you by yourself can win? No, you can't. You are SCREWED!
Fate: ...Well, that makes sense. I give up (puts hands in air)
Nanoha: What the hell are you doing Fate?!
Fate: It's kinda hard to fight that logic you know...
Nanoha: If you don't even try, I'll never wrestle with you again!

[Fate turns into the Hulk in the span of 2 seconds and stomps over to Reinforce. Fate-Hulk rampages the whole way there, flipping cars and throwing around trees and such. She's actually causing more damage to Hayate's property than Reinforce Eins would have done. Reinforce jumps on top of the defense program and is now riding it like a horse. She does that thing where you kinda kick the horse in the sides and the defense program charges at Fate-Hulk.

Fate-Hulk harmlessly bounces off the multiple shields that surround the defense program and not so harmlessly crashes into Hayate's house]

Fate: I tried!
Nanoha: ...Good for you
Hayate: MY HOUSE!
Zwei: Oh god we are so screwed...
Eins: And now I will complete the Book of Darkness, no one can stop me!
Nanoha: What will happen when the book is completed?
Eins: Hayate will probably become a cripple again for starters...
Hayate: Nooo! I LIKE being able to walk! I don't wanna be a cripple again! (Hayate is screaming and kicking on the floor, having a tantrum) Nooo! NOOOO!
Nanoha: Hayate, calm down!
Hayate: I can't even reach up and grab boobies from a wheelchair! I don't wanna be a cripple! WAAAAAH!

[Reinforce is standing around looking slightly disinterested, wondering if she should do something or wait until Hayate stops crying. She starts painting her nails. Apparently it runs in the family.]

Vivio: There's no choice, it's up to us now!
Einhart: US?! But we're useless! What can we do?
Vivio: Trust me, I have a plan! Here's how it goes: Reinforce Zwei will let us go-
Zwei: And you bolt and leave us to die? No
Vivio: ...Okay, never mind

[Vivio Hmm's and Hah's as she thinks up a plan. Zwei has wandered off to Eins and they're comparing their nails. Hayate is still having a tantrum. Nanoha has given up on Hayate and is helping Fate out of the rubble of Hayate's house. Fate is helping herself to the contents of Hayate's fridge and Nanoha is helping Fate help herself to Hayate's fridge while she's helping Fate out of the rubble.]

Vivio: I got it! Zwei let's us go-
Zwei: No
Vivio: No wait! You let us go and then go take Nanoha back to the prison cells and get Raising Heart back from Precia. While this is happening Einhart and I will go and get some weapons from the Vivio Cave. Meanwhile Hayate and Fate will have to distract Reinforce while we prepare.
Zwei: Might as well try it while I wait for my nails to dry.

[Zwei unlocks the cuffs holding Vivio and Einhart and then she and Nanoha head towards Mid-Childa prison]

Vivio: Quick, to the Vivio Mobile!


(The two of them dash towards a tricycle with a sidecar attached. Einhart hops into the sidecar while Vivio jumps into the driver's seat and peddles away)


(Mid-Childa prison)
Nanoha: Precia, gimme back...huh?

[The cage door is open and Precia has escaped. Yuno is inside and is still sleeping]

Zwei: Damn! How did she escape?
Nanoha: I don't know, but we have to find her!


(Weird swirly screen thing again)
(Vivio Cave)
Einhart: Okay, what are we looking for?
Vivio: Just grab everything and shove it into the Vivio Bag!
Einhart: The what?
Vivio: My schoolbag in the corner over there!
Einhart: Oh, right.


(Weird swirly screen thing again)
(Hayate's house)
Hayate: Could you complete the Book of Darkness and NOT cripple me?
Eins: Probably not
Hayate: Oh come on!
Fate: Jeez, you're such a jerk.
Eins: Whatever, I think I'll start the re-assimilation process now.
Fate: Oh crap, do something!

[Hayate's instincts take over and she grabs Reinforce Eins. Years of training and experience means Hayate does what she was born to do...)

Eins: What the hell is wrong with you? LET GO OF MY BOOBS!
Hayate: NEVER!


(Weird swirly screen thing again)
(Outskirts of Mid-Childa)
Zwei: Stop right there Precia!
Nanoha: Give me back Raising Heart!
Precia: Damn, how did you find me?
Zwei: We Googled it!
Precia: Oh yeah, well if you want it so much... TAKE IT!
(Precia reaches into her pocket and throws RH straight at Nanoha's face.)
Nanoha: GAH! My nose!

(Precia uses this as a distraction and escapes)
Zwei: She got away...
Nanoha: At least we got RH back, let's go back and stop Reinforce Eins!


(Weird swirly screen thing again)
(Vivio Cave)
Einhart: What, you really meant EVERYTHING?!
Vivio: Yeah, now help me fit the kitchen sink into the Vivio Bag
Einhart: Look, the bag's full. Let's just go now
Vivio: Fine, but if we need it later it's YOUR FAULT we don't have it


(Weird swirly screen thing again)
(Hayate's house)

Hayate: Heh heh heh, it's too bad that you had to go before I could do this but now I'm going to make up for all the lost time!
Eins: Get your hand out from under my skirt!
Hayate: Never! This is my DESTINY!

(Fate is watching Hayate molest Reinforce Eins while eating pop corn she stole from the remains of Hayate's house. She's also humming 70's porn music to herself as Hayate successfully 'distracts' Eins from fixing the Book of Darkness)

Zwei: We're back!
Nanoha: It's Star Light Breaker time! Hayate, let go of Eins so I can shoot!
Hayate: What if I don't want to?
Nanoha: What?! You have to, I can't SLB Eins without hitting you if your so close to her!
Hayate: Listen here, ANYONE would choose to die while groping Reinforce if they could get away with it!
Fate: Not really, they'd choose to grope her and then live to grope another day...

(The Vivio Mobile suddenly bursts onto the scene and crashes into Hayate's house. It bursts into fire, which catches on fire causing more fire to catch on fire and blah blah blah you see where this is going. Fate pulls out some asbestos free marshmallows back from the second story posted here and is roasting them over the fire)

Vivio: Sorry about that! You don't mind if I park there, do you?
Hayate: Help yourself, I got all that I need riiiight here (snuggles Eins breasts)
Nanoha: Perfect timing, maybe you can hit Eins without hitting Hayate!
Einhart: Sure, we'll try

[Vivio unloads the Vivio Bag and opens it up. She pulls out a bunch of colouring pencils held together with a rubber band)
Vivio: Take this!
[She throws the pencils at Eins but hits Hayate instead.]
Vivio: Sorry about that, I'll hit her next time!
Hayate: No worries, I have boobs!
Eins: No, they're MY boobs!
[Einhart pulls out a slingshot and some rocks. She stares at the two and then comes up with the logical conclusion to throw the slingshot at Reinforce.

At least she hit her...]
Eins: Ow, damn! What the hell?!
Einhart: I'm here to stop you from doing stuff!
Eins: Look at me, I'm not doing anything! I'm actually being victimised over here!
Hayate: It's so squishy!
Einhart: ...Okay, now I'm confused
Vivio: Don't think, throw!

[Vivio picks up a bowling ball and tries to throw it. It's too heavy for her so she messes up the throw and hits Hayate instead. She's knocked unconscious and lets go of Eins womanly parts]

Vivio: Well shit
Einhart: Hurry Nanoha! You have to use a SLB now before CAN YOU TWO STOP WRESTLING FOR EVEN FIVE MINUTES?!

Nanoha: Nope!
Fate: No can do!

Einhart: Crap, we're screwed
Vivio: It's not over yet, throw more stuff!
Einhart: Throwing stuff got us into this mess in the first place!

[Vivio pulls out a full scale model of the Titanic and hurls it at Eins. She somehow completely misses dispute the fact that all you have to do is nudge it in her general direction to hit her. The Titanic model sails all the way over to the North Pole where it hits an iceberg and sinks. The iceberg breaks apart to reveal Santa's present workshop being run by malnourished elf children. Not that it has any impact on the story]

Einhart: Fine, I'll throw!

[She pulls out one of those glass ball things with the plasma inside. You know, that ball thing with the lightning inside and when you touch it the lightning goes towards your fingers? Yeah, one of those things. Anyway, she throws it at Reinforce Eins]

Eins: Two can play this game!
(She throws it back)

(Cue Legend of Zelda style tennis match/final boss battle against Gannondorf.)

Einhart: Throwing things isn't working, think of something else! (catches ball thing and chucks it back to Eins)
Vivio: I got it, I'll throw-
Einhart: NO THROWING! (Ein's throws it back to Einhart who catches it)
Vivio: Aw, come on! No wait, I got it!

[Vivio starts rummaging through the Vivio Bag]
Einhart: Remember I said no throwing!
Vivio: Yeah yeah, I know... AHA!

(She pulls out her toy plane and Einhart's toy tank)
Vivio: I'll win using the power of IMAGINATION!

[Vivio holds out the toys in front of her and closes her eyes]

Vivio (to herself): Be the plane...Be the tank...Be the plane...Be the tank...BE the plane...BE the tank... BE THE PLANE! BE THE TANK!... I GOT IT!
Einhart: What, a real plan?
Vivio: No, I have achieved Nirvana, I am now Buddha!

[Einhart throws the ball thing at Vivio, catches it off the rebound and throws it back to Eins]
Einhart: FOCUS!
Vivio: Fine!

[Vivio waves around the plane]
Vivio: Heiriparatzu-Heiriparatzu-Heiriparatzu-Heiriparatzu...
Einhart: Oh jeez, this again?
Vivio: Heiriparatzu-Heiriparatzu-Heiriparatzu-Heiriparatzu...

Defense program: Heiriparatzu-Heiriparatzu-Heiriparatzu-Heiriparatzu...
Eins: Eh?
Vivio: Biko Biko Biko Wonk
Defense Program: Rabu Rabu Shoop bong slank
Vivio: Bushu bushu bushu ZWING!
Defense Program: KABONG!

[The Denfense program starts swaying around as if drunk. Reinforce, who is riding on it, is losing her balance]
Eins: What the hell is wrong with this thing?!
Einhart: Holy shit Vivio Man-
Vivio: I'm a girl
Einhart: Now is not the time to bring back old jokes! But seriously, your retardation is working!
Vivio: Yeah I... Wait, I'm not retarded! I'm just special!
Einhart: Yes, I'm sure you are.

[Vivio waves the plane around faster above her head while she wiggles the tank around]

Vivio: Bako bako BWOOSH!
Defense Program: Myu myu Myop!
Vivio: Shu shu kazuu!
Defense Program: PRINGLES CHIPS!
Vivio: What?

[The Defense Program rears up and throws Reinforce off, making her fall out of the area covered by the program's shields. Einhart uses this to her advantage and hit's Eins square in the head, knocking her out]

Vivio: I know right?! This is the best day EVER!
Einhart: Dude, we are awesome! We are so FREAKING AWESOME!
Vivio: We should have a party back in the Vivio Cave! This is the first time we were actually helpful and needed!
Zwei: Oh shit, you guys aren't totally useless after all, good job!


Einhart: OH SHIT! The defense program ate Zwei, we completely forgot about it!
Vivio: God DAMN it! I should have known it was too good to be true!
Zwei (from inside the Defense Program): I take it back, you guys ARE useless! You guys suck!

Vivio: You f##king bastard, don't you dare ruin our win! SPIT HER OUT! SPIT HER PUT NOW! NOOOOOW!

[Vivio and Einhart are staring the program right in it's eyes and literally spitting with rage. The program is crying and pissing itself with fear]

[Vivio holds out her hand]
Vivio: Right here! Spit her out right here!

[The defense program spits out Reinforce Zwei and then cowers in the corner, crying]

Zwei: ...Holy shit, you're not allowed to be around Teana any more.
Vivio: YES! We saved the day again!

[Hayate comes to]
Hayate: Ugh, what happened?
Vivio: We saved the god damn day, THAT'S what happened!
Einhart: Aw yeah, AW YEAH!
Hayate: Um... good for you I guess?
Zwei: Seriously, you can stop that now. With all the crap that happens around here it's not that big a deal...
Vivio and Einhart: SHUT UP!
Zwei: Yes ma'am.
Hayate: Okay then, where's Eins?
Vivio: Hm?
Hayate: Come on, I'm not done molesting her yet. Where is is she?
Vivio: Oh, she's right over there by the oh shit...

[Reinforce Eins and the defense program are gone]

Vivio: ...It still counts, right? We still saved the day, right?
Hayate: Um...
Einhart: We beat the bad guys! We beat them all by ourselves! So did good, right?!
Hayate: I guess but...
Vivio: That's right counts right? So we still saved the day? We did good right? (Vivio is starting to cry)
Hayate: Oh god, please don't cry...
Einhart: We're heroes! We saved the day and beat the baddies! We're heroes! ...right? (also crying)
Hayate: ...


Hayate: I'm sorry girls...

Hayate got her book back and the Book of Darkness was never re-assimilated, thus mankind was saved once again.

However, with the escape of Reinforce Eins and the Defense Program there was no guarantee to this safety. The city of Mid-Childa is still in peril.

Will our heroes ever save the day?
Will they ever be useful?


I think we all know the answer.


With this story over and done with, please look forward towards the end of the Vivio Man series, Vivio Man: Final!

Coming to a theater near you

Cardboard box is here!

Kasirganin Forveti's picture
Joined: 08/25/2010
Posts: 102

Hayate: Listen here, ANYONE would choose to die while groping Reinforce if they could get away with it!
Fate: Not really, they'd choose to grope her and then live to grope another day...


Vivio pulls out a full scale model of the Titanic and hurls it at Eins. She somehow completely misses despite the fact that all you have to do is nudge it in her general direction to hit her.

Did she just throw the friggin' Titanic? Nevermind the fact that she managed to miss, but at least Vivio is quite strong. Hey, Nanoha and Fate could use her for all the lifting of heavy grocery bags. Or not, she'd probably manage to let them self-explode or something...

The Titanic model sails all the way over to the North Pole where it hits an iceberg and sinks. The iceberg breaks apart to reveal Santa's present workshop being run by malnourished elf children. Not that it has any impact on the story.

I don't give a sh*t about those malnourished elf children as long as I get my presents.

Useful heroes? Please, useful heroes are overrated. Heroes blow the city/planet/universe/kitten/whatever-to-be-saved up while fighting the villains. And when they win everybody loves them despite the fact that they just ruined everybody's life instead of having the mercy to just let them die. And this admiration proves their awesomeness, because they are so awesome that everybody just forgives them the new misery the heroes brought.
So give Vivio and Einhart some nukes and stuff, so they can save the goddamn day!

Does your onomatopoeia madness know no end? The linguistic horror! My brain will explode! ARGH!

Natus's picture
Joined: 04/26/2011
Posts: 1261

@ Kasirganin:
I've always wondered about the level of destruction heroes do. If you the good guy punches a guy through a building and throws a car at him then it's okay but if the baddie steals a newspaper from someone's mailbox and hits someone with it then he's a MONSTER.

Also, as a model the Titanic Vivio threw was probably made out of plastic and hollow or something...

Hmm, actually... how does it even fit in a school bag?

@ Juno:
It's an evil spider. An EVIIIIIL spider. Even more evil than the Theridion grallator spider, which has a yellow smiley face on it and yes that is just f##ked up. It's even bigger than the Golden Silk Orb-Weaver spider which eats birds. It's so big that is Jurassic ancestor was the biggest spider ever. Maybe throw in the Goliath Bird Eating tarantula as well, which is the second biggest spider alive.
It's also more dangerous than the Brazilian Wandering Spider which is both the most aggressive and the most poisonous spider in the world.

If you combine the psychotic, leering grin of the Theridion grallator spider, the size of the bird-eating spiders and the lethality of the Brazilian then we get the EVIL spider.

We get a huge monstrosity that 'wanders' around actively looking for things to DESTROY while grinning at you like The Joker.

It's basically eight-legged evil. That's for some reason is also part face hugger. It breeds its eggs inside of you and after it's done r@ping your mouth it will smoke a cigarette while you cry and tell you to shut up.

Seriously, it's like someone tried to kill the devil by creating something that was more evil... but made it too evil. So evil that it could not be controlled, ate the researchers and their families before burrowing into hell and challenged the big man downstairs himself to a child eating contest and won.

And then ate him.

We're talking about a spider so evil that it treats the Saw movies like porn.

We're talking about a spider so evil that the only reason it hasn't been locked up and/or destroyed for the good of humanity is that no-one wants to get near the damn thing.

We're talking about a spider so evil that no-one knows what it even looks like. All they remember is the darkness, the hopelessness, the despair, the EVIL.

We're talking about a spider so evil that every time something awesome from Japan could be released in English and released outside Japan this spider will portal over from some dark dimension and stop it from happening.

We're talking about the kind of spider that plays as healers in MMORPG's just to piss off his party and let them down.

We're talking about a spider so evil that it's sheer evilness has exhausted my supply of things to compare its evilness too.

We are talking about EVILLL!

Also, it's right behind you ^_^

Cardboard box is here!

Kasirganin Forveti's picture
Joined: 08/25/2010
Posts: 102

We're talking about the kind of spider that plays as healers in MMORPG's just to piss off his party and let them down.

... I really hate those people. Or those who pick up your monster drops...

We're talking about a spider so evil that no-one knows what it even looks like. All they remember is the darkness, the hopelessness, the despair, the EVIL.

If they continued to live after they were raped and eaten, probably...

Natus's picture
Joined: 04/26/2011
Posts: 1261

The strangest thing happened to me recently...

I forgot that I'm the guy who writes these.

Yeah, I know that makes no sense but I was wondering why there wasn't a new story up when I realised that it was because I hadn't written one yet. In other words I was waiting for myself to post because I forgot I'm the guy who posts...

I realised when I was going through all of my iphone notes. I forget things easily, so lately I've been using my phone to make quick notes to myself which I then forget to look at T_T

Annnyway, as I was flicking through the, I found all of the story ideas I make up as I do whatever it is I do all day and then I remembered that I write crack.

Apparently, memory loss is a side effect of SLB fumes. Dangerous stuff.

Anyway, here's you crack fic. Enjoy:


(Set 3 days after that one story with the spider, you know what I mean. I guess I should label these or something...)

"Hey Nanoha, is Fate avoiding you or something?" Arisa stared Nanoha right in the eyes as she said this, trying to detect any signs of her lying.

"Mmph frthmp pthrmm phhm" was Nanoha's reply.

Arisa, without even blinking, wiped the food off her face.
"Don't talk with your mouth full please."

It was lunch time at whatever school Nanoha goes to and Arisa was both interrogating her friend and teaching her table manners at the same time.

There was a pause as Nanoha finished eating before she repeated her answer.
"I don't think so, why?"

Arisa stared at Nanoha's face with the focus of rock. (Who are very focused things you know, you ever seen a rock break her concentration? Exactly.)

Either Nanoha was a sociopath who lacked the basic moral conscious that defined everyone's sense of humanity and thus was a homicidal master liar or she was just an idiot.

Or maybe both.

Arisa tried to think up a way to explain her theory in a way that was both easy to understand and unlikely to get her murdered.

"Nanoha..." said Arisa slowly and carefully, the same way you would talk to little children who are 'Very Special.' "You remember how yesterday you said hi to Fate and she jumped out the window, screaming? Why do you think that is?"

Nanoha contemplated this for a while. Arisa was becoming more and more worried the longer she took and was wondering if she should leave this line of questioning to Dr. Suzuka and her miracle 'Crowbar Fixes Everything' cure.

Nanoha finally answered just as Arisa was about to call for Suzuka and her army of maids to drag Nanoha into an alley somewhere and literally beat some sense into her.

"I don't know" was Nanoha's flat out reply.

"...Crap, my phone's out of power"



(After lunch, in the middle of class.)

"Next, we take X in this equation and multiply it by Y to give us the capital city of Malaysia..." droned the teacher about something that actually made more sense than regular algebra did.

Fate was sweating buckets.

She could feel the walls closing in on her, she could FEEL it! Nanoha kept giving her this look like she was worried about something, Arisa was giving her this suspicious glare and why the hell did Suzuka bring a crowbar to school?!

"-Which is when Shakespeare gave his famous speech to his troops in World War Cake before the battle between the Nazis and the Yatzees over the right to win the hand of X=Y+4 in marriage..."

'Oh dear god' thought Fate. 'Not even the teacher's making sense anymore!' The truth was however that all Earth schools are essentially like this and Fate, being the foreigner that she is, was undergoing some serious culture shock.

That's when Fate started hearing voices in her head.
"Fate, Fate!" she could hear them call.

Fate suddenly had an epiphany.

She was in the Matrix. That was the only explanation.

Unless she was in one of those dream thingies from Inception. Then she was SCREWED.

There was no way that what happened 3 days ago happened and now she was hearing voices in her head that won't stop calling her name over and over Oh wait, that's Nanoha using telepathy.

God damn you, magic.

"Fate," called Nanoha's voice in her mind, 'are you avoiding me?'

'OH SHIT SHE'S FIGURED IT OUT!' was Fate's immediate thought. She then suddenly slapped her hands over her forehead in case Nanoha heard her thoughts.

Nanoha took the sight of Fate suddenly slapping herself in the middle of class as a sign that something was wrong.

"Fate, is something wrong?"

"Nooooooo" Fate said slowly, clearly lying. 'Please buy it, please buy it' she prayed silently.

"Buy what?"


"...Mister Testarossa, is there something that you would like to share with the rest of the Aperture Science Learning Environment?" asked the teacher with a sudden robotic quality to her voice.

Fate mentally kicked herself for saying that out loud.
"...Oven, I meant to say I forgot to turn the oven off." Fate was using an even more bald faced lie than she did 3 seconds ago.

Lying is bad Fate. Bad girl.

The teacher went back to telling the class about how next week was Bring-Your-Daughter-to-Work Day.

"Are you okay Fate? Will your house be alright with the oven on after all this time?" Fate could hear Nanoha's voice in her head again. She reeeeeeeeally didn't want to talk about this...

"Well that's okay, just think it then" was Nanoha's reply.
Fate swore under her breath. She was so distracted she couldn't even tell when she was broadcasting her thoughts or not.

'Okay Fate, you can do this' Fate thought to herself. 'All you got to do is dodge Nanoha for the rest of your life and never talk about what happened at Hayate's house ever again...'

"What's this about Hayate's house?" Fate came mentally suplexed herself. She did it again!

"Oh my god... Fate, did you see what happened?" asked Nanoha nervously.

'Oh shit oh shit oh shit....' was what Fate thought. What she actually said was "...Maybe?"

"You saw didn't you?! You jerk!" came Nanoha's metal accusation.

"What?! How am I a jerk?" shot back Fate. "You were the one doing ... THINGS with Hayate!"

"Well if you saw us then you should have helped us!" snapped Nanoha.


'Oh crap, my brain BSOD'd' was Fate's only thought after a period of silence.
"Lemme get this straight... You wanted me to join in?"

"Of course I did, why wouldn't I?"

"Well, isn't that kinda... private or something?"

"I don't see the problem with it, personally I think that the more people you have in that kind of situation the better"

Fate turned around in her chair to look at Nanoha.
'Is she serious?' she thought. 'Oh my god she is, Nanoha wants me to have some kind of kinky lesbian threesome with Hayate!'

"So what you're saying is..." Fate said slowly to Nanoha using magical mind talky stuff. "is that next time I see you and Hayate do... THAT I'm allowed to join in?"

"Sure, why not?" was Nanoha's answer.

Fate had difficulties trying to wrap her mind around this for the rest of the day.
(One week later)

'CHOOSE YOUR DESTINY' was what Fate heard.

What Nanoha actually said was "Hey, do you want to hang out with me and Hayate this weekend?"

Part of Fate wanted to say 'No, this is getting too weird.' A bigger part of Fate was saying 'Dude, sex with Nanoha! HELL YEAH!!'. A smaller part of Fate was saying 'I'm kinda hungry, I wonder if there's any chocolate left in the house?'

"...Sure, okay" answered Fate after a brief mental wrestling match.
(Weekend, in a park. 1:18 pm)

"And then I said to Vita 'That's not how we do it in THIS neighbourhood!'" In a suspiciously empty park, Hayate enters the story the same way she did last time.

The two of them, Nanoha and Hayate, were sitting in the park eating ice cream.

[Park, 1:21 pm]
Fate, despite being one of the fastest characters in the series, was late. Ignoring the part of her brain that was saying 'CHOOSE YOUR DESTINY' over and over again she dashed towards the park where she was supposed to meet her friends.

[Park, 1:25:07 pm]
"Oh Hayate, you have some ice-cream on your cheek" Nanoha pointed out.

"Oh really, where?" Hayate touched her cheek but touched the wrong one.

[Park, 1:25:15 pm]
Fate turned the corner and saw her friends sitting on a park bench. As she went to wave and call out to them...

[Park, 1:25:21 pm]
"Not there" said Nanoha. "Over here..."

[Park, 1:25:24 pm]
'ABANDON SHIP! ABANDON SHIP!' screamed to herself as she wrenched her arm down and jumped into a nearby bush.
'What the hell was that?! What the HELL was that?! Did they just kiss?!'

[Park, 1:25:24 pm]
"...What the hell was that Nanoha?" asked Hayate flatly.

"Huh?... Oh, I'm so sorry! I just licked the ice cream off by reflex!" apologized Nanoha, turning red.

"Who licks people on reflex?!" demanded Hayate.

"Ah, no, see... It's kinda what we do in our family you see, so..."

Hayate gave Nanoha this look for a second and decided to let the matter drop.
"Don't worry about it, I wonder where Fate is?..."

[Park 1:27:34 pm]
Fate was having a panic attack in the bushes.

'What am I supposed to do?!' she asked herself. 'Is this why Nanoha asked me out here? Is this the part where we have kinky lesbian sex with a cripple? What if someone sees us? Oh my god, I'm not ready for this yet!'

Fate panicked for a few more minutes and then slowly calmed down.

'Okay Fate, you can do this... You just have to march over there and have a yuri/loli threesome in public. It's totally natural and everyone probably does it all the time... Just got to go over there without looking like an idiot and remind people why 2Channers call MGLN a Hot Anime... Just gotta... Just gotta get out of this bush and... Gotta go over there and do stuff... Yeah, come on Fate... You can do this... You can do this...'

After mentally psyching herself up for 5 minutes Fate felt prepared enough.

'CHOOSE YOUR DESTINY' screamed one part of her mind.

'Why am I even thinking this?! SHUT UP!' she screamed back.

'You never ate that chocolate' said a voice reproachfully.


Fate nervously approached the two girls.

"Oh Fate, there you are!" said Nanoha cheerfully as she noticed Fate.

"It's not nice to keep ladies waiting, you know" teased Hayate playfully.

"Yeah, sorry I'm late..." Fate replied. "So uh, what do we do now?"

"Since your late, we will now burden you with the heavy task of choosing what happens next" said Hayate jokingly.

Fate however was panicking again.

'Oh crap, is this some kind of initiation test or something? Do I have to show initiative and get the mood going or something? What the hell am I supposed to do?!'


'How about you eat some chocolate?'

'SHUT THE F##K UP! Okay Fate, relax... You just gotta go for it and prove yourself worthy of getting some hot lovin'. Just have to reach out and grab this opportunity before it slips away!'

"Fate, what are you doing?" Hayate's emotionless question cut through Fate's train(wreck) of thought like a hot knife through substitute butter spread.

Fate was all of a sudden acutely aware during her internal monologue she had reached over and her hand was now on Hayate's breasts.


'Shut uppppp! Oh crap, when did I do that? Is Hayate mad at me? That's hypocrisy and we all now it! No wait, maybe I'm moving too fast! Yeah, that's it! I just need to recover and do this...'

Nanoha stared. In the span of 6 seconds, Fate not only groped Hayate but is now kissing her.

Like, on the lips and everything.


(???, ??:??)

Nanoha woke up.

She rubbed her eyes to clear her vision. She looked around to discover that she was still at the park but lying on the ground.

She had the impression that something heavy was repeatedly running over her foot and it really hurt. Also someone may or may not be calling her name...

-----------------NANOHA! Wake up!"

Nanoha suddenly sat upright. Hayate was leaning as close to her as she could in her wheel chair, looking worried.
"Thank god you're awake, I was worried when you fainted like that! I tried calling your name but you didn't answer and I even rammed you a couple of times on my wheelchair to try and get you to wake up!"

Nanoha held her head as she felt a massive headache set in.
"...What happened?" she finally asked.

"Huh, you don't remember?"

Nanoha strained her mind, fighting past her headache. She remembered Hayate upper-cutting Fate in the jaw and sending her flying, but why would she do that? She knew she was forgetting something else, something important...

And then it clicked in.

"You kissed Fate you bitch!" screeched Nanoha as she jumped to her feet.

"What the hell? Fate kissed me!" Hayate responded.

"Whatever Hayate, you're such a jerk!" Nanoha stormed off.

[Unknown time, unknown place]


Fate bashed a midget over the head with a nearby possessed scarecrow as she escaped past the enemy's front lines. She had no idea what was going on, why she was here or why someone stole her shoes and replaced them with some tacky slippers.

What she did know is that where ever she was, she wasn't in Japan anymore...


Cardboard box is here!

Kasirganin Forveti's picture
Joined: 08/25/2010
Posts: 102

I'm too lazy to do some real commenting on this (I might do it later... pfff, yeah. As if... -_-'), so the only thing I say now is:
FATE'S DESTINY IS TO EAT THAT GODDAMNED FRIGGIN' CHOCOLATE! (or to use it for the yuri threesome)

Juno's picture
Joined: 12/29/2010
Posts: 658

@ Natus: Shit. Too many words. O.o'

I'll just imagine that it's the spider from Harry Potter.

Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. ~Author Unknown

Natus's picture
Joined: 04/26/2011
Posts: 1261

Holy sea lions, I've got over 580 views! When did THAT happen?!

I was going to delay the ending of Vivio Man and do some other stuff first but now I think I'll start on it immediately instead. So, thanks for all the support and here is the thrilling conclusion to the Vivio Man saga:

VIVIO MAN: FINAL (Chapter 1)


"SON OF A SEA LION!" Vivio raged across the Vivio Cave, flipping over tables and kicking over chairs as she went. Einhart followed close behind, picking up the debris and throwing it across the room while swearing more conventionally.

"WE WERE SO CLOSE! SOOOO CLOOOOOSE!" she roared, flipping over a final table and sending pens flying everywhere. Einhart picked them up and threw them at a wall, causing them to bounce off and hit Vivio in the back of her head.

Vivio fell over, too tired to continue her tantrum (or at least that's what she said, maybe the pens knocked her down...)

"...So damn close" sulked Einhart as she sat down next to her partner. Time passed as they sat there, catching their breath.

"Next time..." began Vivio, "Next time, we'll do it for sure..."

"Yeah..." sighed Einhart as she lay down on her back, staring up at the ceiling. "Next time, we'll definitely get it right... We'll be real heroes"


Precia smiled.

She gazed upon her newest acquisition, an abandoned factory that had lain disused for years after trying to make fireproof plastic bags and failing miserably. She had already checked the lower levels of the facility and confirmed that the drilling equipment was there. Soon, the shipment that she ordered will arrive and everything would all go according to plan...

She couldn't help but laugh manically in true villain fashion, stroking the glass capsule next to her as she did so.


Reinforce Zwei stared hard at Yuno. Yuno stared back but only because she was wearing a chef's hat.

"Don't gimme that look, I had to do some emergency baking" she growled.

"...Bakers don't wear those kind of hats though" Yuno replied. Zwei's response was to ignore him and start painting her nails. Yuno was suddenly aware that her nails were half an inch thick and wondered if she was aware that nail polish removers existed. Reinforce Zwei quietly painted her nails while Yuno quietly stared in a mix of shock and horror.

"So..." Reinforce didn't even look up from her nails as she began talking, "Where's Precia?"

Yuno sighed.
"I've told you I don't know. I was asleep at the time remember? If I was awake then I would have escaped, right?"

Reinforce hummed thoughtfully to herself as she began painting the nails on her other hand. What Yuno was saying certainly made sense, if she was in Yuno's position then she'd want to escape too...


'Something about this still feels off' she thought to herself. 'Yuno claims that Precia escaped without him while he was asleep. There's nothing especially strange about that but still...' Her gut feeling was telling her something was wrong but she couldn't quite put her finger on it.

"Why don't you tell me about what Precia was like before she escaped?" she asked, removing her shoes to paint her toes.

Yuno swallowed nervously. Reinforce Zwei took this as a sign that she was onto something. Yuno was disgusted to find that Zwei's toenails were in the same state as the nails on her hand.

Fate and Nanoha were out shopping in the supermarket in the middle of town. They had already blown up the one closest to them and there weren't many left.

Nanoha pushed the shopping trolley along the aisle whilst quietly humming to herself.
"Hey Fate, what should we get for dinner?" she asked. Fate didn't reply. Nanoha turned around to see Fate studying a particular shelf carefully.

"Oh, what are you looking for?" Nanoha left the trolley to join Fate. Some old lady behind her tried to swap the meat she'd chosen with a crappier one but Nanoha reflex Divine Buster'd her across the room.

"I'm looking for... the asbestos free marshmallows" said Fate slowly as she searched for the pink and white non-toxic sugary goodness.
"I'm going to look around the back" she said, and with that she reached into the mass of marshmallow bags and started rummaging around at random.

She pulled one out.
"Oh hey, this one is asbestos free AND it's reasonably priced!" Pleased with her find, Fate rejoined Nanoha and the two of them continued their grocery shopping while the manager tried (and failed) to get the place insured.

Precia watched triumphantly as her newest weapons of evil sailed through the assembly line. She grabbed a handful before they were contaminated and ate them. She could almost taste victory, and it tasted very sweet indeed...
-- 2 weeks later ------------

"Sooo booooooored" moaned Vivio as she flipped more tables in a futile attempt to ease her boredom. Einhart was throwing a tennis ball against the wall and catching it as it bounced off. She was trying to see how many rallies she could get and beat her old record of 99.

Einhart counted out loud as she racked up more points.

"Ninety seven..."
"Ninety Eight..."

Vivio flipped over a table and it crashed into Einhart, causing her to miss the ball.

"What the hell?!" she screeched as she pushed the table away.

"Look, I'm bored okay? Nothing interesting has happened for 2 weeks now!" Vivio fumed before picking up one of the chairs she knocked down and sat in it.

"Then go stop crime or something!" was Einhart's retort.

"There hasn't BEEN any crimes for the past 2 weeks, not even a little one!" Vivio sighed as she finished and leaned back on her chair.

"Don't do that, you'll break the chair" Einhart said automatically.

"Jeez, you sound like my mama" Vivio groaned.

"Which one?" came the cheeky reply.

"...I'm going to smack you" Vivio was about to stand up when the chair legs suddenly snapped, causing Vivio to fall off.

"Told you..."


Reinforce sat at her Mayor's desk and frowned. Her investigation into Precia's disappearance was going nowhere.

'At least there hasn't been anything going on to interrupt my work' she thought. 'Usually something stupid happens every 3 days or so...'

Suddenly Reinforce Zwei sat up bolt-right in her chair. She had that gut feeling again (although maybe it's because she ate too many marshmallows). It was time to pay Yuno another visit.

As Reinforce flew over to the Mid-Childa City Prison, she stopped to make a few calls along the way...

Precia grinned evilly as she slowly turned the dial on her machine up a few notches. She had been slowly acting out her scheme over these past 2 weeks and it was beginning to pay off. People were already falling under the effects of her mass produced evil and by the time anyone realised the truth it would be too late. Far too late to stop her...

Precia watched the glow of collected magical energy move across specially created conduits, a crisscrossing line of light flowing into the glass container next to her. Her grin got even wider as the energy readings on the container climbed higher and higher, passing the 75% mark.

Feeling her goal so close, she couldn't help but push her luck a little. She turned the dial on the machine even further and chuckled darkly too herself. She knew she was more likely to be caught this way but the sooner the container was full of energy the better. She had studied her enemies beforehand and knew that they would fall into this trap.

"Soon..." announced Precia to the empty factory, stroking the glass next to her. "Soon, everything I had planned for will finally come to fruition! Isn't that right, my precious Alicia?"

Her chuckles grew louder and stronger, evolving into mad laughter that echoed throughout the factory.

"Ah ha ha ha ha! Ah Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!"

"Well well, back again are we? Couldn't resist my devilishly handsome good looks?" sneered Yuno as Reinforce walked towards his cell.

"Cut the crap Yuno, you look like a god damn hippie with that hair of yours" snapped Zwei as she flew up to eye level with him.

Ignoring his splutters of indignation, Reinforce asked him firmly;
"What is Precia planning?"

Yuno shrugged.
"The hell should I know? The crazy old bitch kept to herself"

"I don't believe you" Reinforce stated flatly. "I believe that she told you something. I believe that she told you to stay in here so you wouldn't get in her way"

Reinforce smirked darkly as she saw Yuno stiffen slightly.
"You know I'm right don't you? It's not just you, she's told every crook in town to stay the hell out of her way so she can do whatever she's planning to do!"

"t-That's ridiculous, how could one person get every bad guy in Mid-Childa to lay low for two weeks?!" Yuno said defensively.

"Because Yuno" Reinforce grinned in the gloom of the prison. "It's just like you said, she's one crazy old bitch"

Yuno swallowed nervously.
"I ain't telling you anything"

Reinforce giggled at this rebellious display.
"Oho, being difficult now are we? Don't worry, I have ways of making you talk! Or rather... my friends do."

Out of the darkness of the cell Yuno watched in horror as the Wolkenritter marched into the cell.

"Oh yes, my friends and I have WAYS of making you talk!"

Please stay tuned for the next exciting chapter of VIVIO MAN: FINAL!

Cardboard box is here!

Natus's picture
Joined: 04/26/2011
Posts: 1261

God, I need to put up a post-it on my screen so I stop forgetting to write this or something. On that note...

VIVIO MAN: FINAL (chapter 2)


"No wait, please! I have a wife and kids to feed!" begged Yuno.
"Bullshit" came the flat reply as Vita held up Graf Isen.
"Raketenform" she ordered.

Yuno stared in horror as the hammer suddenly grew a rocket booster on the back.
"No wait, I give! I'll talk!"
Vita glanced over at Reinforce Zwei.
Reinforce shrugged.

Insert war crimes here.

Vivio and Einhart were playing one of the most infuriating video games ever invented: Mario Kart.

Vivio threw her controller in pure rage-quitting fashion as Einhart launched a blue shell and won a come-from-behind victory. The controller bounced off the screen and hit her back in the head.

"F##K THIS!" Vivio screamed. "I wanna go out and save the day dammit! Somebody get stabbed already or something!"

"That's kind of a dark thing to wish for isn't it?" asked Einhart reproachfully as she checked the screen for damage.

"Shut up sidekick, that's not the point! You know what I really want is a HOLY COW!" Vivio's jaw dropped as she pointed out the window.

"You want a what-now?" Confused, Einhart looked out the window to see what Vivio was pointing at. It wasn't a divine bovine but the Vivio-Signal shining prominently in the air.

It's still upside down from Vivio Man 2...

"Quick, to the Vivio Mobile!" ordered Vivio gleefully. She seized a boom-box and pushed play. As the two of them peddled away into the night on their trusty tricycle the Vivio Man theme song wafted through the air.


Vivio parked her trike on top of a nearby fountain and the two of them walked the rest of the way to the Mayor's office (she muttered something about there being nowhere else to park but Einhart just rolled her eyes at this.)

"MAYOR REINFORCE ZWEI!" screamed Vivio as she kicked down the door. (Or more accurately, Einhart dutifully opened the door slightly first so Vivio could kick it open easier)

Zwei, used to this sort of thing, didn't even jump.
"Alright you two, listen up. I've got news about Precia and where she's been hiding out." Zwei began briefing the child crusaders of justice in a matter-of-fact tone while painting her nails.

"After some ...initial setbacks I finally got Yuno to talk. Seems like Precia is planning something big for the city of Mid-Childa and has threatened the entire criminal underground to stay put until she's finished. We don't know what she's doing exactly but we know where she's hiding."

Reinforce Zwei paused and admired her nails for a bit. She then opened one of the drawers in her desk and pulled out a bag of marshmallows and began eating some.

"Hey, are those asbestos free?" asked Vivio. "Because my parents always say to make sure that your food is asbestos free if you don't want to get cancer"

Reinforce lazily rolled her eyes at this.
"Moving on, Precia is hiding in an abandoned factory in the industrial district. You two will have to go by yourselves and stop her."

Einhart blinked in surprise at this.
"Just us two? You mean, no one is going to suddenly jump in and snatch the spotlight away from us or anything?"

Reinforce shuffled through some papers.
"No, doesn't look like it" she said slowly, casually looking at a copy of the script and reading ahead. "Anyway, Hayate's not feeling too good and when I tried to call Nanoha and Fate they didn't answer. It's you two on your own from here on out."

"Hayate's sick? Is she alright?" asked Einhart.

"Meh, she just ate too many marshmallows at once or something. She'll be fine. Now get out of my office and go get Precia, this scene is too long."

Precia, in the gloom of her evil base, cackled manically to herself as she played on her PSP.

Well, 'played' is the wrong word to use here since she wasn't actually touching the controls. She was 'playing' as Fate on the Nanoha PSP game, watching her get beat up.

Precia turned off her PSP and charged it. She was about to do more dickish things when suddenly she heard loud, pumping music that made the windows rattle.


The Vivio Mobile smashed through a wall and our child heroes jumped off the speeding tricycle as it crashed into the opposite wall. The entire factory inexplicably caught on fire which then caught on fire catching fire that yeah you know.

"NOOOOO!" roared Precia as she watched her factory become consumed by flame consuming flames. "You've ruined my plans!"

Vivio and Einhart stared at each other.
"Holy shit, really?" said Vivio in disbelief.
"Wow, that was easy? We just got here!" agreed Einhart.

"Heh, it doesn't matter! I've got enough bags shipped out to complete my plan anyway!" announced Precia. As if to prove her point, she reached over and grabbed one of the plastic bags that the factory was producing and opened it.

"Precia you psycho! This ends now, give up or tell us what your probably stupid evil plan is so that we can devise a way to stop you anyway!" commanded Vivio.

"Um, I don't think it works like that-" began Einhart.

"Fools! My plan is perfect!" Precia boasted.

"Oh, I guess it does. My bad." Einhart said.

"This factory used to make fire-proof plastic bags but was shut down for safety reasons. When I found out I knew what I had to do; I restarted the machinery so that it would reproduce those plastic bags. However, I changed how the factory works! Instead of making fire-proof bags it just makes normal plastic bags, the fire-proof material being placed in THESE!" Precia triumphantly grabbed a handful of the contents in the bag and held them up. Vivio and Einhart gasped in shock as they looked upon the pink and white evil...


Explosions rocked the facility as the machines overloaded from the heat and broke down. The floor gave way under the stress causing gaping holes to form, revealing the massive abyss that was the ancient asbestos mine. Precia seemed to ignore all of this as she screamed and roared with insane laughter.

"Holy shit dude, your fucking insane!" Vivio pointed accusingly at Precia. "Why the hell contaminate the marshmallows with asbestos?!"

"Isn't it obvious?" sneered Precia. "Everyone loves marshmallows and soon everyone will be dead because of it! Isn't it ironic?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's not how irony works..." sighed Einhart as she sidestepped some falling debris.
"Oh crap!" she suddenly exclaimed as realization hit her.
"Hayate! She got must have gotten sick because she ate those marshmallows!"

"I'm not even at the good part yet." cooed Precia. "I've infected all of the city's marshmallows, even the asbestos free ones!"

Vivio gasped. "But the asbestos free ones are the only ones that Nanoha-mama and Fate-mama eat!"

Precia laughed hard at this. "You'll love this next part then! I've placed a magic spell on the marshmallows so that as the asbestos kill you it transfers your life force into this!-" Precia rubbed the glass capsule next to her. "I will absorb all of Mid-Childa's life-force and feed it to my dear Alicia, bringing her to life once more! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

As Precia laughed, the building began to collapse around them.

"Damn, we need to escape!" swore Einhart.

"Huh? What about catching Precia?" demanded Vivio.

"Look, we can just sort through the wreckage and find her corpse later!"

"That's not good enough! You know Precia will just escape later, if she can survive falling into an imaginary space/inter-dimension cliff thing then she'll definitely survive being trapped inside a burning building!"

"God dammit Vivio!" Einhart snapped. "Stop trying to be a hero and come on!"

"NEVER!" Vivio screamed. "I'll never stop trying to be a hero!"

Vivio rushed towards Precia while Einhart swore under her breath and ran after her.

"Vivio you idiot! Fine, if you won't go then I'll just have to help you!"

Precia smirked as the heroes charged towards her.
"You think you can stop me? Even now the asbestos are filling up the capsule with power! Why don't you try one yourself?"

Precia started to throw the marshmallows at the two. They weaved and dodged before diving for cover behind the ruins of a machine.

"Well then hero girl, any plans?" asked Einhart as she poked her head up to see what Precia was doing. "Crap, it looks like she's using magic to fortify the asbestos and make it more potent..."

Vivio hummed thoughtfully as she know, thought. "I got it! We'll split up and then attack her at the same time from the sides, she can't hit both of us that way!"

With that, Vivio dashed out from the machine. Precia readied her aim and was about to throw marshmallows at her when out of the corner of her eye she saw Einhart dash in the opposite direction. This distraction caused Precia to mess up her throw, hitting Vivio in the eye instead of her mouth. Vivio swore and began to swerve away from her target. With Vivio momentarily out of the way, Precia prioritized getting rid of Einhart.

"You'll never defeat me, I've put a spell on this next batch of marshmallows so that they home directly for the mouth!" Precia opened up a new bag and pulled out a single marshmallow.

Precia threw it.

Time seemed to slow down as Einhart watched in horror. The pink messenger of death tore through the air aimed directly at her. Her body seemed to become sluggish and slow, she knew she couldn't make it away in time. She opened her mouth in shock, making her the perfect target for the asbestos abomination. Suddenly her world seemed to rotate.

Vivio pushed Einhart out of the way.

The marshmallow, under it's magical guidance, changed course and went after the next closet target.

The marshmallow forced it's way into Vivio's mouth. Gagging, Vivio instinctively swallowed it.

Vivio fell onto her hands and knees, coughing and spluttering as the asbestos worked it's way into her system destroying her.

Vivio screamed.

Einhart sobbed.

Precia laughed.

What will happen next to our heroes?

Will Vivio survive the asbestos poisoning?

Can they escape the burning factory?

Will Precia be stopped?

How will this story end?!

Find out in the last, exciting chapter of Vivio Man: Final!

Cardboard box is here!