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Delicious! (A collection of meaningless crack stories)

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Natus's picture
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VIVIO MAN FINAL: Part 3 (The final part to the final Vivio Man Final story which is the final Vivio Man. Feel the finalness!...Finality, whatever T_T)

Spoiler:

Precia cackled psychotically as Vivio gagged and Einhart started crying over Vivio's fallen body.

"Oh my god! VIVIO!" Einhart panicked over Vivio's chocking body (and was being completely worthless)
"What do I do?! I know, I should try make you spit it up! HEIMLICH ELBOW!"

And with that, Einhart rammed her elbow into Vivio's gut. Vivio tried to swear but the asbestos marshmallow lodged in her windpipe meant that she couldn't talk (or breathe properly for that matter)

"Hrrk gurgle snrk koff!" she choked out. I'm not going to translate that, you don't need to know.

"Oh crap, it's not working!" Einhart fretted and panicked. "Maybe I need to use more force! HEIMLICH SLAM ATTACK!"

"OH SHIT DON'T!" was what Vivio tried to say but what came out was "Zuus herk croak!"

"That's a great idea, I should aim for your throat!"

"Herkle garble cough!"

"Wear those shoes with the giant spikes? Sure!"

Vivio seriously wondered if Einhart was actually trying to help or trying to kill her so she could become the main hero.

Precia thought the whole thing was hilarious and was recording it.

"Here I go, Heimlich Slam Attack!" Einhart, spiked shoes and all, jumped into the air. Vivio rolled away to dodge certain death.

"Stop moving Vivio, how can I jump on your throat if you keep rolling around?" demanded Einhart as she prepared to stomp Vivio. Vivio's life seemed to flash before her eyes.

It was depressingly short.

"No wait, I have a better idea!" said Einhart suddenly. Vivio immediately relaxed at this, only to worry again when Einhart started forcing her mouth open.

"I'm going to stick my fingers down your throat and make you puke it back up!"

Vivio chomped down hard on Einhart's fingers.

Precia registered a new Youtube account and was getting everything ready so that she could upload the video once the recording had finished.

Vivio bit Einhart's fingers harder as Einhart wriggled her fingers around in Vivio's mouth to try and get her gag-reflex to work.

"Dammit Vivio! Stop biting me and let me stick my fingers down your throat!"

"What the hell is wrong with you? Never!"

Einhart paused.
"...Are you okay now?"

"...Oh shit, I think I accidentally swallowed it"

Almost immediately Vivio's body went into convulsions as the cursed asbestos marshmallow worked it's dark magic on her.

"Oh my god! VIVIO!" Einhart panicked over Vivio's chocking body (and giving everyone deja vu)

Precia's triumphant evil laughter filled the factory.
"Now that you have eaten the marshmallow, you will soon have your life-energy taken and my precious Alicia will live once more! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!"

"Oh god, Vivio! Don't worry, I think I can do another Heimlich Elbow!"

Vivio, in a mad and desperate bid for her safety, started to die slowly and dramatically.
"Einhart... don't worry about me, go and stop Precia!"

"No, I can't do it by myself! Please Vivio, I need you with me!"

"Einhart, you were a good sidekick but now it's time for you to stand up and be the main hero by yourself..."

"What? No, I can't...!"

"Yes you can! I believe in you, I know you can do it!"

"But what about you?"

"Forget it Einhart, I'm not going to last much longer..."

"BULLSHIT! You can't actually be dying, right?"

"..."

"...Right?"

"Einhart..."

"No, this is some kind of stupid trick! I know how this works, you'll just pretend to die but then you'll be just fine the next day! You'll hop off a bus or be revived or jump up and say 'Just kidding!' or survive but be held up by some lame half-thought through reason that stops you from coming home and letting everyone know your alright or-"

"Einhart, I'm fucking dying. Deal with it."

"I DON'T BELIEVE YOU! Your just trying to make me and the audience believe your dead so you can surprise everyone when you turn out to be fine! And then I'll be happy and angry that you're really okay and you'll say 'geez, your such a tsundere' or some bullshit line or something and-"

"Einhart, it's 'the audience and I'"

"THAT'S NOT THE DAMN POINT!"

"Before I go Einhart, there's something that I want to tell you..."

"Fuck you, I'm not listening"

"Eh? Why not?! This is the part where I say my last words and it's always something dramatic and helpful to the hero! What if I was going to confess my love for you? Think of all the extra shipping we would get!"

"Screw you Vivio, if you want to say something you can say it after I beat the living crap out of Precia"

"I've been poisoned by asbestos and I'm dying in a burning factory. How the hell am I going to wait around until you win?!"

"That's easy Vivio." Einhart stared at Vivio hard, right into her eyes. "You're not going to die, okay? You better not die if you got something you want to tell me that badly, got it? We're going to make it through this!"

Vivio blinked in surprise but then grinned.
"Sure thing, Einhart the Boy Wonder"

Einhart gave Vivio a thumbs up.
"This isn't the end of Vivio Man, not by a long shot!"

Einhart stood up and faced Precia confidently.
"Precia, let's finish this once and for all!"

Precia waved Einhart away.
"Shut up, I'm trying to upload this video"

There was a brief pause as she waited for Precia to finish.
"Okay then, final boss battle time!" Precia announced as she grabbed a single white marshmallow out of a nearby bag.
"'ll settle this in one shot!"

Precia threw the marshmallow with all of her might. It cut through the air faster than that one time Fate and Vita decided to see what how fast they could go if they combined Sonic Move with Raketenform.

Time seemed to slow down to a crawl as the sugary demon of death sped towards her.

But Einhart had a plan.

"You're not very smart Precia!" Einhart called out. "There's something that you should have realized, something that only I can do!"

The marshmallow automatically changed it's course so that it was aiming straight for her mouth. Einhart smirked, that just made it easier for her...

"I AM-" she roared as she reached out, her hand stretching out towards the projectile blob.

"THE ONLY-" Einhart's hand closed into a fist around the marshmallow. The cursed confectionery burned and stung in her hand.

"ONE WHO CAN CATCH-" Windmilling her arm around, Einhart let go of the marshmallow.

"AND THROW!" The marshmallow soared through the skies, gracefully gliding through the air after a perfect overarm throw.

Even when time slowed down to a crawl, the strength of Einhart's throw meant the marshmallow flew faster than that one time Nanoha thought that she could use a Starlight Breaker as a propulsion system.

The pure white marshmallow's magic caused it to redirect itself and aim for the nearest target.

Precia.

Precia's mouth opened in shock by instinct, making her the perfect target.

Her own weapon turned against her, the marshmallow sailed through her mouth cleanly, forcing it's way down her throat.

Precia, without even thinking, swallowed.

The asbestos burned through her body, destroying it.

"DAMN YOU!" screeched Precia, coughing and spluttering as she began to die. "I WILL NEVER BE STOPPED!" Precia lost her balance and clutched onto a nearby rail desperately. In true cliched fashion, the factory which had been burning this whole time immediately began to fall apart.

A large chunk of the roof suddenly broke off under the stress and slammed into the floor. The weakened floor couldn't support the weight and the entire factory began collapsing and sliding into the asbestos mines below it.

Einhart and Vivio watched as Precia and Alicia fell down into the abyss.

"Come on Vivio, we have to escape now!" Einhart ran towards Vivio and reached out towards her.

Vivio did the same.
----------------------------------------

The floor under Vivio suddenly gave way and Vivio disappeared, falling down into the darkness.

Einhart stopped dead.

----------------------------------------

Vivio Man: Final.

END

Cardboard box is here!

moop
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......you've got to be joking, right? that can't be how Vivio man ends, that just CAN'T.

Feito-chan's picture
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natus, how the heck do u have enough time to make this all at once?...

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HOLY SH#T YOU GUYS

I write crack fics! I know, I had no idea!

It's been like, more than half a year since I even touched this! Hell, I just remembered this thread even existed just as I was coming out of the shower!

All of these memories started to come back to me. Most of them made no freaking sense since most of them were fabricated plot lines I came up with.

There is ONE good thing though.

I remembered how Vivio Man REALLY ends.

...More or less

And so, good people! Please excuse me while I try and find my old plot notebook so I can write this thing! I will definitely have it up by this time tomorrow! If I don't forget! (...maybe someone remind me? ^^;)

Well, I guess I'll leave you guys with a little story. I had this dream last night. I don't remember the exact details but it was freaking gory as hell, all guro like and everything.

Spoiler:

It's essentially a horrible alternative ending to the first series of MGLN. When Precia reveals that Fate is a replacement clone of Alicia and that she hates her Fate goes into mental shock, as in the anime. However at the end she starts questioning where Alicia's life ended and hers begins, leading her to reject everything that didn't happen on Earth as part of her life. (including Arf, sadly)

Fate becomes increasingly reliant on Nanoha as she is the only person Fate is sure is not from Alicia's life. Fate begins obsessing over Nanoha and as she does so, becomes paranoid that the people around her and trying to lure Nanoha away from her.

Fate becomes one of the most psychotic (and therefore AWESOME) yanderes I have ever had the pleasure to see. All of Nanoha's friends and family are brutally murdered by Fate. (I'm pretty sure Fate drowned Yuno and died the least bloody death)

Nanoha finally confronts Fate about the murders. I don't quite remember exactly what happens next but I do remember the ending.

Fate pins Nanoha down and stabs her in the chest with a knife. Fate then stabs herself in the chest, pulls out her heart and shoves it into Nanoha's stab wound to prove her love.

...

I wonder when the Higurashi Kai comes out? I wanna see that~
...I wonder if Umineko will get an English release too?

Cardboard box is here!

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Do you mean the anime? As I understand it, Funimation let their license to Higurashi expire. They didn't have and don't plan to acquire licenses for Kai, Rei, Kira or Umineko. I don't think another company's going to pick it up if Funimation couldn't sell it.

Natus's picture
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Siren Visual picked it up and have already released Higurashi. They'll be releasing Kai later this year too~~

Cardboard box is here!

Natus's picture
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Ladies and gentlefishies! After digging up my old plot book I've found out that yes, that IS how Vivio Man is supposed to end.

...Kinda depressing, huh?

Not to worry folks, I have a brand new story for you! Einhart the boy (girl, whatever) wonder gets her own spin off story! Yay!

...Yeah, that's not what you came for is it? I understand if you're not excited =_=;

Einhart: After Vivio Man (chapter 1)

Spoiler:

How long has it been since that day?
How long has it been since that factory burned to the ground?
How long has it been since Precia fell into the asbestos mine?

How long has it been since Vivio fell into the darkness and disappeared?

----------------------

Reinforce Zwei tried to spin a pen between her fingers. It wobbled off her hand and clattered onto her desk. She breathed out a sigh and propped her feet onto the desk.

Mid-Childa City was going through a miniature crisis.

Reinforce, acting out on of her many roles in the city was currently acting as Chief of Police. Picking up the dropped pen, she glanced over to a nearby stack of papers next to her. They were police reports and they all said the same thing.

The crime-rate in Mid-Childa City was falling. That wasn't a problem at all, Reinforce welcomed it in fact. The problem was that the few crimes that were happening are high profile crimes.

Reinforce flipped through the papers until she found the one she wanted. Someone was running rampant on the streets. Someone was stopping criminals, but with... extreme prejudice. Most of the small time and petty criminals have dropped off the radar, leaving only the big fish to fight among themselves in the sudden vacuum. The collateral damage done to the city done in these brawls couldn't be ignored.

Scowling, Reinforce readied her pen and circled a name that had cropped on numerous times in her reports. Alone in her office, she muttered to herself.

"What the hell do you think your doing, Einhart?"

--------------------------

"Oh god no, please let me go!" In the darkness of the night, a man's voice rang out pitifully.

He got no response.

"Let me go man! I promise I won't do it again, I swear!" He couldn't stop himself from looking down. Suspended off the edge of a skyscraper, the only thing holding him up was a hook and line connected to a fishing rod held by his captor.

"Do what again?" The man, literally hanging for his life, took some time to register he was being talked to.

"You know, this! I won't mug anymore people! Hell, I won't do any crime ever again! Please man, just let me go!"

"I know you will not do any more evil. I will make sure of it" The slight grin that followed these words send chills down the captive's spine.

"NO WAIT! PLEASE!"

No response.

"Please...let me go. Have mercy, please..." Begging for his life, he even started to cry.

Einhart leaned her face in to meet his.
"Well, since you insist..."

She dropped the rod.

------------------------------------

Einhart flopped into a bean bag back at the Vivio Cave. Vivio had insisted that they fit the cave with them because, in her words, 'you could totally have awesome pillow fights with them when you're not sitting in them. And they are awesome to sit on. We should totally have like, pillow fights with bean bags while sitting on them!'

Einhart picked up the bean bag next to her and swung in around.

"We never did have that pillow fight, did we?" adressing the air ruefully, she tossed the bean bag across the room.
"Don't worry Vivio, I'll finish what you started. I will wipe out all crime from Mid-Childa City.
Forever."

-------------------------

".͠..͝W̢ha̵t̶ is̀ thi̕s̢?͟" Stirring in the darkness, she stretches out her hand.
"N͟o... W͝HA͏T ìs th͡i͞s?" She lay there on the cold rocky floor, staring up at the crystals growing in perfectly straight geometric formations.

Slowly pulling herself to her feet, she hobbled over to a glowing capsule near by.
"It'͠s͏ ̴n͏o̷t͘ ̵o̸ve͏r͜ y̧et!"Precia's maniacal laughter echoed throughout the cavernous asbestos mine.

Cardboard box is here!

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I read the ending to Vivio man without reading the first two parts, and I still thought it was hilarious. Actually, it was probably the most funny thing I've read/saw all day.

Kudos, Natus!

I must go read the other two parts...eventually xD

Philosophical juggernaut, disabled Bruce Lee

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Getting this over and done with after so damn long, here is the end to "Einhart: After Vivio Man" and the beginning of the finale to the Vivio Man saga!

Spoiler:

Precia munched on an asbestos laden marshmallow.
"H͘ol͠y c͡r͝a̛p͜ t͡h͜is is c̷rùnch͞y̴" she remarked to herself, reaching for another. The fire in the factory had died down long ago. Surveying the remaining wreckage of her once glorious marshmallow producing machines she smirked to herself. All she needed to do was fix this place up and she was back in business!

...Just as soon as she finished this last marshmallow

----------------------------

Despite the fact that Mid-Childa is some kind of futuristic magical city, a Ford Model T car zoomed down the streets during the night while sirens wailed behind it. Inside were a group of old fashioned 1920's gangsters firing Tommy-guns and other such outdated firearms at the Mid-Childan cops.

Normally you'd think this would be as effective as firing a rock out of a slingshot at a tank. However, since Mid-Childa decided to switch to some kind of pussy magic to avoids people getting accidentally injured or something unless the plot calls it, they were doing zero damage to a car that was built around 90 years ago.

No seriously you guys, this is like pointing your fingers at a police officer, going "Pew pew pew!" and watch him keel over dead.

...What the hell was I talking about again? Hang on, let me read my post

...

Okay, yeah. Gangsters in a car being chased by the police.

"Pull over, this is the police!" shouted Reinforce Zwei through a miniature megaphone as she sped her patrol car after the crooks.

"You'll never catch us alive copper!" challenged a mobster as he stuck his hand out the window and gave Reinforce an impolite hand signal.

He flipped her the bird, pretty much. Or gave her the finger if you call it that.

Cursing to herself, Reinforce took one hand off the wheel and dug around in her glove box.
"Take this you bastards!" She screamed as she threw a weapon at the mobsters

The mobster poked his head out the window to see what she threw.
"Oh god it's a blue shell! BLUE SHELL!"

Indeed, the infamous blue shell from Mario Kart was flying towards them like the harbinger of head-banging frustration that it is. The bastard. The mobsters instantly slammed on the brakes and pulled over, causing Reinforce to go zooming past them.

This means that Reinforce is in front of the mobsters.
This means she's in first place.

"Crap crap crap crap-!" Reinforce floored the accelerator, desperately trying to outrun the blue shell that was now chasing her.
"DAMN YOU BASTARDS!" she screamed as she raced down the Mid-Childan streets.

The mobsters peered across town as they watched Rein go.
"Eh, that was easy" said one of the mobsters. This was met with general agreement with all the other mobsters in the car. They started up the car again and began driving back to their... den? Lair? ...Speakeasy? Where the hell do mobsters hang out? Let's just stick with speakeasy.

The mobsters were driving back to their Speakeasy of Evilness and Overall Not Very Niceness (the SEONVN) when all of a sudden a rock crashed through their windshield. Everyone inside cursed, screamed and squealed like a little girl as the driver lost control of the car in the confusion and crashed into a lamp post.

The leader of the mobsters kicked open the car and quickly scanned his surroundings.
"Alright, whose the wiseguy throwing rocks huh?! I'll pulverize you!" he threatened while shaking his fist at the world in general when he couldn't see his assailant.

Out of a nearby ally, Einhart emerged with a rock in one hand and a slingshot in the other.
"Evil doer! I'm here to destroy all the evil in-" Einhart started making a bold declaration but stopped. "...Holy crap dude, why are you a leader of mobsters?"

The leader of the mobsters was none other than Evil McBad-Guy, a bald man with a muscular body in a karate gi.
"No seriously dude, you don't look like a mobster boss at all. You sure you're leading the right gang?"

"Shut the hell up girlie! If I want to lead a gang of mobsters while looking like an evil karate master then damn it, I'm going to freaking lead a gang of goddamn mobsters while looking like a freaking evil karate master!" With this warcry, Evil McBad-Guy charged at Einhart.

Einhart threw the slingshot at him. No, she didn't fire a rock out of the slingshot. She threw the actual goddamn slingshot at the guy. McBad-Guy swatted the slingshot out of the air with his freakish muscular, clearly on steroids arm. Einhart used this to distract him just long enough for her to close the gap between them and launch her attack.

She kicked him in between his legs.

I'm talking about his nuts.

McBad-Guy instantly went down, defeated in one shot.
"Hey girly, that's cheating!" groaned McBad-Guy as he clutched his balls. Einhart gave a dismissive shrug.
"Like I care about playing fair with creeps like you" she answered before kicking him in the same place.

And by that I mean his testicAll of a sudden, mobsters pored out of the crashed car like clowns from a clown car. Einhart cracked her knuckles, raised the rock high above her head and charged at the mobsters while screaming bloody murder.

----------------------

Einhart finished beating the living daylights out of the mobsters and tied them up with a rope that she conveniently found earlier, like it was a random plot item in a video game.

Proud of her work, Einhart headed back to the Vivio Cave to rest. At least, that was the plan.
"FERRET POWERS ACTIVATE!" screamed a voice from the bushes.
"@$@#$#fVSVAV HOLY SHIT!" Einhart squealed like a Justin Beiber fangirl and starting randomly punching the air to try and keep whoever it was away from her.
"Form of: A ferret!" There was a flash of light.

Einhart stopped pummeling absolutely nothing and looked cautiously at the bushes. At that exact moment, something furry jumped out and latched onto her face.

This could only mean one thing.
Fluffy facehuggers.

Einhart ripped her would-be oral impregnator and threw him down onto the ground. She was about to stomp on it when it started pleading with her.
"Please don't kill me! I have... no wife and kids!" begged the ferret.
"...Holy shit, Yuno?" Einhart stared in wonder for a bit before bringing her foot down again. Not hard enough to squash him flat but enough to pin him down.

"All right ferret boy, what are you doing here?" asked Einhart.
"Uh..." came the reply. Einhart stomped down harder. "Okay, wait! I escaped from the Mid-Childa prison after Vita slammed me through a wall! I've been hiding ever since!"

"And?" question Einhart further, "What are you doing HERE?"
Yuno thought very carefully about his response.
"Right now I'm looking up your skirt"

Silence.

"...No wait, crap. Did I say that out-loud?"
Einhart glared at the rodent. Wait, are ferrets rodents? Whatever, there was glaring at Yuno.
"Uh, what I MEANT to say was-"
Einhart raised her foot, only to position it for a well-aimed kick.
"NO WAIT! I came to warn you!" Yuno's sudden declaration made Einhart stop her final blow.

"...Go on"
"It's Precia, she's alive!"
Einhart stomped the ground in anger, barely missing Yuno's little ferret skull.
"Bullshit!" she screeched, "There's no way Precia is alive! She fell down an asbestos mine in a burning marshmallow factory!"
Yuno sighed.
"Einhart, when has Precia falling long distances EVER stopped her from coming back?"
"...Son of a bitch" muttered Einhart to herself. "Well whatever. Now I have a chance to avenge Vivio! Where is she?"

Yuno shrugged.
"Dunno, just check where you left here I guess?"

And with that, Einhart was gone.

--------------------------------

"Gô̿͊͊̈̇ͫo̅ͭͭ͑̚d ̐͊g͛͛̈o̎̈́͊̃ͭd̍̽́̈͑,̄̊ͣ̚ ̓I̍ͨ̎ ͛̅͆͗s̍̃̅ͣͭͦe͌̄̀r̊͂̚ioŭ͊sl͗̒͊̒ÿ́ͭͣ̎ͣ͑͊ ͆c͐̓͂̽̈́̽âͤ̐n̉̉͛̃͋̇̄'̿̂̈́ͬͯ̓t̉̽̈͐ ̓̄ͥ͒͐́geͫͭtͬ ̃͂éͩ̒ṅ̍̋̏͛ô̽̓͆uͦg̐̂̀̑h͗ͬ ̍͛̑ͬͦō͗fͦ́͗̾̐ͪ͛ ̐ͨͨ̈́̏tͨ̈́̽ͩh͋̒̾ͪ͆eͥͪ̐ͩ̾̂sͫ̔̆̒e" Precia munched on more marshmallows.

----------------------------------

Einhart burst through the factory doors. Due to the fire, they fell off their hinges and toppled over while kicking up a lot of dust and ash.
"PRECIA TESTAROSSA! I'm here to- *cough cough* here to- *choke wheeze*"

Einhart stumbled back outside and gasped for breath, filling her lungs with fresh air.
"Damn, all the dust must be making me feel light-headed..." Einhart walked unsteadily back towards the factory when beneath the plume of smoke and ash she saw a shadow of someone.

"Precia, is that you?!" Einhart roared. "Answer me!"
"Ÿ͑͌̚Eͫ̉Sͣ̂͂!" cried out the figure. "Ī̏͂tͯͯͤͭ ̍͒̈́͋is̉̓̇̓̿͛ͧ ̔̇Ĭ̆͊ͧͣ̌̆,̿͛ ͑P̾r̍̊̽͛e̐c̍̋iͭͨ͋͊͂̀ä́ͥͪ̋ ̇Tͨ̄͐̓ͨͨ̚eͫ̈́ͤͮs̐tͮ͌̏͐ͭͩ̓á͂r̚o͐̓sṡͨa!" With that, Precia stormed out of the smokecloud.

Einhart stared.
"...Who are you?"
Precia blinked, taken aback. "I̢'m̀... ̷Pręcia͞ Te̡s̸taro͠ssa̴?"
Einhart looked at her quizzically. "Are you sure? You look..."

Einhart paused, searching for the right words to use.
"You look like a fat-ass."

Indeed, all the marshmallows Precia had gobbled up during this crack fic and bloated her and caused her to be seriously fat. Precia pointed a chubby finger at our hero.
"T̼̥͈͕ḁ̭̥͚̠͓k̦͚̻͎e̬̞̻̞ ̟̘ṭ̲̖̟͚̹̯h̙̞̣̠̩̯a̩̖̭ṯ͉̲ ̭̭b̺̬̤a͎͔̱̼͓̫̘c͚̭͍̜̞̠k̰!"
"No. Fatty"

Precia scoffed.
"I̕t do͡es͝n͡'̡t̸ ̧mat͏te͝r ̴an̵y͘wa͞y.̴ B̡y͟ ̵brea̵thi̸ńg in t͏he͝ ͞ash͡es̀ i͟n ţhe ̡f͠a̢c̡t̸o͞r̀y, ͡y͘ou͏'͟v͡e ́b̀r͝e͝a̛thed ͡in th͝e͠ r̴emai͝ns ̡of҉ th̢e ̕a͝sbest͏o͟s!"
Einhart gasped. Partly due to surprise and partly due to a sudden attack of the asbestos inside of her. As if waiting for this verbal cue, the asbestos dust started doing... asbestos things. I actually don't know what they do but I know it's really bad dude, I swear. i totally know a guy who said it is so there.

"AH̆͐ͥ ̽ͯͪ̂̍H͋̃̿̀͂A̽̿̽͒͗̇̿ ́͊ͨ̉H̀ͯA͌͊͒̌̍̎ͤ ̈́ͧH̎ͦ̎Ȃ͆͑!" bellowed Precia triumphantly. "Ẃh҉ơ ҉c̀a̷n sav̸e͜ y͞ou̕ no̷w?"
"Damn you...Precia" choked Einhart, trying to fight the asbestos inside of her.

???: NOT SO FAST EVIL DOER!
Einhart and Precia both looked up at the roof of the factory.
"No way, it couldn't be...?" Einhart, mouth agape, stared in wonder at the figure as she jumped down from the roof.

???: SON OF A BITCH, I BROKE MY LEGS!
The mysterious person's not-so-heroic descent snapped Einhart back to reality.
"Is it really you?" she asked.

Vivio: Of course it's me, how else could this possibly end?

-------------------------------------------

What will happen next? Will Vivio and Einhart be able to combat the evil Precia, even though the heroes are suffering from broken legs and asbestos poisoning while the villain is too tubby to fight them?

Find out next time in the next-

...No wait, I said this is the last one, huh?

Screw it, let's finish this!

-------------------------------------------

Vivio: Of course it's me, how else could this possibly end?
Einhart slapped Vivio across the face.
Vivio: Bitch, the fuck was that?!

"I thought you were dead you jerk!" screamed Einhart.
Vivio: ...Well, that's your fault.
"And what the hell is this huh? You're speaking in script format!"
Vivio: Yep, just like old times huh?
Einhart couldn't help but smile slightly at this.
"Yeah, just like old times..."

"Oͯi,ͬ̆̊ͫͥ͗ ͬ́̾̂ͦͤfi̓ͮ̆͒̈͛ĝ̎̃ͯͬh̔ͮ̿̿̅t̊ͣin̔́̈ͦ͗̇̑gͩͯ ̿́ͧ̐̉̍t̎ͨ̓̚i͆̂͒mͣḗͭ̌͂.̍ͣ Lͥ́̿͂̽ͮĕ̽͌t̄̎̍'sͩ̿̔ͪ̆ͫͨ ̐ͮg̎̿̆ͩ͗ȍ̀̽!" Precia clapped her hands to grab our heroes attention.

Vivio: ...What the hell are you saying?
Einhart paused.
"Holy hell your right, what the hell's up with your speech Precia? It's like, all over the damn place"

Precia smirked.
"I̺͈͔̣͚̺ͭ̏̾͛ͧ ̬̙́ͩ̈́̐hͨͧ̃̂a̭͙͓͍ͥ͂v͎̬͔̱̳͐ͯ̄ͬ̊e̘̣ͪ̄ͪ̊̏ͫ̍ ̯́ͧ͑͛a͚̓̈ͬ͛̐̿bs͉̪͖̬͉̽̾͐̃ͭͣ̓o̼̱̙̝̲ͤͭ̊ͥ̔ṛ͓̳͔̗̆̾̍͋ͨ̄b͕̮̝̭͇̯̏͐̋̎ě͕͚̮̪͈̰̑͗ͣͨ͛ͅd̮ͬ̅̎ͩ ̹͎̦̮̏ͬtͪ̎͂̌̚h͍e͎ͮ̽ ͕̤͉̊ͨ̓p̫̤͉̤̥̱͚͛ͬ̽̃͋͆o͐͋͋̔w̻̯̙̻̬͔̘ͨ̇̃̑ê̜̬̞͔͓̅ͧ̍̇ͯ̐r̹͎̮͎̂ͤ̈́̂̌͆ ̋ͬ̅ͭͤ̂̈õf̘͓ͯ̄͌ͯ͛̇ ̣̱̝̘́̃͛ͥ̿ͯ̚a̗͓̙͕̓̇ͮl̪̝̝͉̲ͤ͋ͤ͂l͇͚ ̻̱̮̈́̄ͤ͋tͩh̰͕͚̞̥̹̍̅̂ͯê̩̤͈̱̲̞͐̓ ̟̦̥̔͊͆̂a͍̼͋̾̎̎ͧ̐s̼ͬ̃́̄ͬͧb͍̹ͫ̑e̩̺̭ͬ̽̇ͦ̐̄ͮs̠̱̎̍̀ͭͩ̚t̮̙̟͉̣̟̰̿̄ͧ͛̾̚o̱̜͚̲̞͑ͫ̊̔ṡ ͍̟̦̱̩̰͇̆͋̈́I̺͓̩͍ͪ̆̊̄͛̒ͭ ͇̦̖̟̯h̝͈̫̲̊ͣ͆͆ͭ͛ͫá͕̖̼͙͖͙ͅv͍̣͇̱eͯ͐ͯ̈ͭͭ̉ ̫̳̽̽̐̾ͭeͦ̌̊̋ͦ͌̋a͈̝͕̰͐̓ͣ̑t̂̌e̜̜̳̘͚͖ͯͦ͑ṅ͖̯͖́ͨ̍̿̓!̦̹͇̙͖̔̌̋̈̿ ͚̬̱̀̒ͧͥI͔͚ͬ ͐̓̿̃̈͂a̬͔̅̓̉͗͂̒m̦̝͕̦ͦ͛ͦ̄̾ͭͅ ̘̬̙̙̺̫̔̀ͫͥỊ̘̌͗N̖̣̻̗̦̯̦V͔̯̣Ȋ̜̝̱̈́͒̍ͧN̆ͩC̄̄̚I͓͖̗̠̥̞̬̎ͤͫ͑ͦ̊̃B̟̹̋ͥḼ̠ͣ̈́̒Ȇ͕̣̼͈̪̙̳!"

Vivio: ...What? How does that make ANY sense?!
Einhart frowned.
"Forget that, SHE doesn't make any sense. I can barely understand what she's saying!"
Vivio: Whatever, it doesn't matter. Are you ready to do this?
Einhart: Always ready.

THEME SONG TIME!

Ba da da da da
Ba da da da da
Ba da da da da
Ba da da da da

Vivio!

Ba da da da da
Ba da da da da
Ba da da da da
Ba da da da da

Vivio!
Vivio!
Viviooooo!

Ba da da da da
Ba da da da da
Ba da da da da
VIVIOOOOOOOOOO~~~~
DA DA DA DAAAAAAAAAAA!!

Precia: Y̪̦̭̾͂̌ͯͥō̯͕̞̼̠̋̈̆̾̐ͅu̺̗͂̔̀̊ ̠̙͎̂ͮͪ̓͋ͪ̏̃̊f͔͉̰̭̲̦ͮ͐ͮͧͨ̃̽ͯ͆ȏ͖̳͍̽o̜͇̣̪̳̭̟ͩͥ̉l̼͎͙͈̺̣̝͖̾́s̲̭̑ͦ͐̃ͮ̎̚!̻̼̙̲͑ͤ͂ ̟̱͎̣̘̗͔͂̒̋Y̙̻ͫ̊̓̚o̳͙ͪ̇͐͛̆̐̾ͫ̂u̙͉̦̖͉̰̙̺ͦ̉͒ͭͣ̓ ̙̪̣̩̜͈̫̀̋̈͆̅c̤̯̮̣̰͌̿ͫ̎̓́͊́a̫̟̱̜͈͐ͯ̾n̮͇͓͈͎̬̓ͅn̤̭̹̩̬̠͔͈̆̅̐̑͒̐̇o̤̬̝̮̩̦ͬ̌̅̀ͤ̊̅̓t̊ͬ̉̔̈͋̐̈́̃ͅ ͚̙̦̙̬̑s͍̼͐͒ͅẗ̼̩̘̬͉̳͕́̋ͧ̅̏̍̓ͅȍ̖̠̳͈̙̯͕ͪͯͤ̚ṗ̥̥̰̩̳̑̀̍͋ͪ͐̚ͅ ̖͇͊͒̃͐̊̔̏m̜̙̩̥͙͆ͅĕ̳̝̪̖͇͙͌̋!̱͍͌ͦ̔ͣ̿ͣ̉̓ ̤̥̼͓̤̣͚͚̿̏̐̓̓̿͑̍̚T͔̠̼ͫ̓̄h̺̹̹̲́̋̑͊̈́é̮͚͖͉̖̯ͥ̀ ̖̣͍͕͚̣ͧ̒̂͌ͅa͙̮͖̱̟͇̲ͮͬs͔͍̝̳̲̠̜̘̐̀̿̾̇͐b̠̰̪͇̮̫̻̱̃̃͒ě̗̝̪̆s͓̝̺̺͉̤̝͎̆ͪͤ͒̀͑͒̚t̻̖̱̹͙͂̏͌̉̿̓ͫ̚o̜͔̺͎̍ͬs̱͋͐͐ͥ̾̓̓̍̚ͅ ̦̺̩͔͚̠̩̄ͅf̼̞̺̙͐̀̔͗͌̿͗ͧ̓ḽ̓̇̓ͮͨo̬̮͖̠̞̘͔ͣ̂̇̃̂̔̋̀̚ͅw̖̭̙̥̠̙̟̲͕̋̔̑̐̚i̬̰͍̝ͤ͂ͫ͌̚n̲̫̭̪̼ͨ̄ͣ̈́̈́̋͆̾͌g̳̼̱̗̫͕͋ͤ ͎̠͂ͮ͊͌ͭ͗̓ṭ̞̲̦͚̹͎̇̂ͮ̀̉ḫ̖͉̹ͩͪͣͅr̦̰̣̓ͬ̿̓o͚̗ͫͥ̾̚u̠̜ͪg̤̳̞̲͈͇̘̲̒̑h̗̤̩̗̥̼́͆̋̈́ͅ ͙̼͓̻͚͊̎͛̅͂m̫͎̭̹̩̑ͯͦͭ̚ȅ̤͔̱̈ͫͯ ͙̑͆̿̓̾̊́̆̊w̗̖͚̥ͩͥi̥͔̮̳͈͇̭̜͈ͫ͋l̰̣̑ͫ͒l͙͚̟͍̠̫͌ͨ͑́̒ͭ ̥̫͔̝̜͔̾̀͌ͧ͑ͅd̜̭͌̂͗͂͌͛̓̚ẹ̗ͤͅs̫̻̼̤̣̰͐̊̇͋͐̚t̫̰̬͇͊̅̒̑r̰̤̩̖̖̍́̌͐̽ͨ̃̚ő̳͓͖̲̇y̪͉̞͙ͯ̋ ̩̮̖͈̖͈ͤ̍̄ͣ͛ÿ̗̝͔̟̪̯̘̹̳́o̮͍̻͖̭̝͐͋̽͂u̺̭͉̞ͬ͛͋̐̔̐ͯ!͇͉̞̳̪̄ͮͤ̏͗͌ͪ͊

Einhart: Dear god, the nonsense is spreading!
Vivio: The asbestos must be corrupting her, we need to defeat her now!

Precia: ŏ̧̥̞̣͓̞̬͍̹̲̞̰̟͇̪̣̩̂̈̃͋̄̒͌ͪ̉ͯ̄͛ͪ̏̌̐͘͝m̞̲̭̮̯̹̦͈̈ͣ̇̅͋̉ͭ̄͋̐͒̔̍͌͆ͣͮ̀͜ë́́͊̔ͭ͒̑͡҉̴͚̘͚͍̬̲t̸̨̗̠̪̯̳̩̬͎̫͙̘̓̊̈́̑͑ͦ͊̏͊ͭ͗ͫ̒̃ͧh͗ͮ̂ͪͯ̇̏̿ͮ͋҉͓̻͚̝̦͍̪͢͟i̸̵̻͓̱̜͍̣̗̗̭̥͓̬̼̰̞ͫͤ̓̆ͨͬ̊͆ͭ͛̒͐ͥ̈́̀̾ͯ́͘n̷͈̗̠̦͖͓̔̾̔ͩ̄̒͗̆͜͞ͅg̴̸̡̼̻͓̬̭̼͓ͤ̈́̍̓ͧͮͣͫͥͧ̔̎̓ͫ͂̂̚ ̡̪̝͇̟̞̖͖̹̲̘ͬ̎̿̊̓͗͐̄̓̚͘͠͝b̨̏̂̅͛̿ͭ̌̀ͩ͌ͩ͘͏̷̲̜͕͓l̛̼̟̭̘͇̠̗͙̥̭̝͙̟͂̾̌͋̈́̋̀̈̾ͮͯͭ͑̾̐̋̅͢ͅą̳̳̻̖͈͇͔̠̳͎͖̼͆ͯ͐ͭ̽ͅh̴͉͉̦̥͖͙̼͉̣̗̦̠̘̫̳̼͙͑ͪ́ͪ͂ͦ̎̀͟ ̛ͬ̽ͮ̽̌̀ͨ͒ͬ̑ͭ̿ͬ̚͠͞͏̱͉̬̲̫̤͙̺̩b͇̺̺͕̭͚͙̻̻̯̫̟̯̞̄̓̄ͯͣ̅̆ͣ̾̚͞͠ļ̩̯̫̲̖͖̳̼̟̙̇ͬ̅ͩ͛̑̋ͦͫ́͜͢͠ą̷̴̼̳̪̬̬̟̻̺̬̞̟̱͉̘͊̀̋͗̽̂ͦ̀͡h̬̤̯̳̐͑ͥ̒̿ͭ͌̿ͨ͊̾ͩ͆͗͝͞ ̸̛̗͈̲͍ͨ̆ͯͦ̑̉ͭͣ͛̉̇̍̉̚͝͠ͅs̪͚͙̪̣̙̱͎̪̫͚̬͍̻͓̬̩͍͆͂̏ͯ̊̍̇ͤ̐͊̍͊͜ǫ̷̶͓̭̲̥̪͇̝̦̹͇̲͚͍̠͈̬̳̮͒̔ͨ̈͌̑ͣͪͪͩ͂͆͌͞͠m̡̄ͧ̅̒̿͗̿̎͋̆͂҉̞̜̤̩͕̠͖̜ȩ̷̙͍̮̫̗͇͈̻͓͕̜͓̖̤̻͉̬̘ͬ̿ͨ̀͑̏̃ͣ͐͆͆͆̔͌ͧ̄ͫ͗͢ẗ̷̩̙͕̱̣̫̗̳̬͎̞͓̹́̋ͫͣ͐ͬ̄͟h͑ͦ͋ͬͩ̊͗ͧ̂̓ͮ͑̍̋̂̓̈́͏̶͇̻̱̝͉͓̭͉̞͔̻̜̗̹̀͝͞ì̡̖̟̬̜͇̝̤͇͚͕̆ͣ́̍͑͆ͥ̾ͯ̓̏͆̂ͧ́͌͟͝͞͠ň̛̃ͬ̽̅ͩ̆͊̾̀́͛̅ͤ́͏̫̘͓͇̟͔ͅͅĝ̡̭̰̹͓̜̰̟͚͓ͣ̌͗̐̎̚͠ ̴̸̰̮̭͈̭̲̎́ͣ̌ͣͦ̇ê̼̝̜͙̭̖̹̮̹̼̩̌͐̏̎ͥ̍̎̎ͩͩ́̇ͧͤͮ̍̉ͫ̀͢l̴̺̪̤͓̤̻̟̺̓͒̃ͫ͒͊ͭ̓ͣͨͨ̚͜͝͝s̢̺̭͎͕̫̮͉̥̝̣͚̭̟̜͉͇̹̳ͬ͊̇ͩ̕͢ͅe̴̢̲̻̼͙̗͚͊ͧ̂͋̑̿͛ͩ̀̃͛ͣ̓͆̅̾͡͡ ̵̢̨͖̰͖͇̲͈̬̟̖̺̬̼̝̂͛̊̍ͤͨ̕ͅy͍̬̭͕͐ͣ͆̈ͧ͂ͫͣͬͦ̀́ȫ̸͚͉̱̮͚̹̭̪̂͒̅̿̈́ͨ̔ͧ̾ͤ̃̽ͯ̽̇̿̏͘ͅu͊ͪͣ̑̾̈́ͫ̑ͧͨͬ̒͏̵̤̱̟͓̬̦ͅ ̢ͯͨ̈́̒ͫ҉̺͚̰̻ͅc̸̷̲̮̳̣̭̯̭̦̣̤̦̻͉͔̄̒̀̊̚̕͟a̢̗̯̥͙̯̹͙͍͓͍͎̮͇͌͌̄͐̅̿ͤ͂͊̚͟͡͝͠n̢ͯ͌ͪ̂̀́͆͊ͩ̊͊̓͐́͒͗͛͜͏̮̹͖̟̝̮͇͇̱͔̥͙̯̹̠̟̯͙'͂ͬ͛͐̉̅̍́̆ͪ͆͏҉̵̺̭̘̝͚̳͔̱̩̙͔̖̦̫̲̣̦̪̜ţ̰̫̫̯͉̩̺̥̦̭͖͙͎̎̐ͤ͐ͨ͑ͥ͗ͨͪ̃͑̊ͬ͊̃̂̀͢͝ ͥͥͤͫ҉̧͏̢͇͙̰̻̩͉̗͎ą̠̥̘͓̮̱̮̾̂̍ͯ̋̆ͫ̕͟ͅͅc̴̤͚̼͉̰̼̻̞̣͚̊͗ͬ̓͛ͮ͂̌̌ͩ͘t̨̔́͋͗͛͛̂̾̇͛͑̈́̆ͪͦ̑ͥ̚̚͜͟͏͕͕̙̬̦̞͉̗ṳ͕̥͉͓͎̺̩̻̙͕̟̯͙̠͚͇̥̬ͩ̓͗͂͗ͣ̑ͨ͒͘͡͝a͕̦̹̤͈̥͓̗͇̖̱̮̖̹ͨ́ͣ̓͛ͩͤ̉͛̀̌̀ͣ̔͆̋ͣ͌͗͜͟ͅl̸͍̟̥͖͚͎̗͖̩̄ͪ͒̇̾ͫ̽́̐̽̅̉͌́l̵̏̐ͫ͌̏̐ͩ̃̃̃̅̄͌̆̅ͨ͂҉͉̮̤̲ỹ̛̝̝̲̩̙̄̏̾̅̎̊͆ͧͪ̅ͧ̍̎͑ͧ̿́́̚ͅ ̢͕͚̞͔̞̬̙̥͈̼͔̪͉̱̟̝͔̻͉͑̈́͒͊̿͌̈͂̄ͨͥ̎̎ͥ̃̿͜r̵̬̯̗͓̣̪͉̼͉̯̯̠ͪͣ̿ͮ̆͌ͦͥͦ̿̐ͮͬͥͦ͒̄̚ę̠̹̤ͫ̍̍ͪͣͧͩ̇̋ͪͪͩ̕a̶ͬͤ͋̑̆̆͑̅̈́̏ͨ̾̚͏͙̘̮̻̞͚͍̀́ͅd̶͑̄̇̒ͯ͒̉̍̊̾ͤ͡͏҉̝̬̹̜̟̠̩͖ ̶̵̢͉͍͈͎͖̹͉̼̟̖̩̱̝̲̲̺̊ͫͫͦͧ̎ͦ̂͝ṭ̪̫͍̲͈̥̬̗̻̤͍̑ͯ͒̒ͬͣͮͭ̿̿́̀̚h̴̵̵̢͍̻̱͇̹̓͂ͤ̄ͧ̎̿̅́͋ͩ͆ͫ͗́̏ͧ̋͢ĭ̓̃̌̎ͨͦ̓͆̓̓̍͏̧̧͇͖͓̳̯̰̪͖̭̩̳̳̫̞̭̭͉̀͜ş̛͙͖̳̜̰̲̞͚̭̬̹͉̪̲͔̦̘̟̩͗͋̊̽̌̏͆̍̆͋ͮ̊̆ͥͣ ̷̵͚̣̙̻͉̝̗̫̝̽̉ͬͫ̉̍ͮͤ̓̍ͮ̆̑̌̚ͅͅa̢̼̖͖̳͓̖̭̤͕̥̙͕̦̟͛ͥ̈́̃͒͋ͪ̿̾̆ͧ͌̈ͬ̀͘͟t̵̸̛̻̙͎̏ͧͣ̑͌ͦ͞ ̡͕͚̫̤͚̱͕̼̱͙̳̙͓̫ͬͮ̅̎͊̀͞͞t͋ͦ̐̉ͣ̎ͫ̇́̊̋̐̑̄ͬ̐͟͏̴̶̝̤͍͉̞̗͍͘h͌ͭͪ̈́̀ͥ́ͣͯ̋̆̄̿ͧ̈́̚͏̷̶҉̥̗͇̰͎̩̻͖͇̤̬̗į̛͙̫͚̭͓̟͕͌̈̑ͭ̔̏͗̇̒̈́ͫ̏̔͗̀͞ș̶̛̥̯̼̫̪̿̐ͦ͛͜͡ ̰̮̺̟͈̺̦̟̦͓͋ͣ̍ͧͧ̔̐̉̋̽̚̚̕͜p̨̡̟̗̯͉̲͔̥͚̺̏̋̾͋ͩ́̈̉͒̀́̇̄͐̍̚͜ͅơ̮̼̻̲̰͕͕̟̭͕͕ͤ̓͆ͪͧ̓ͮ̃͆̈̽͗̅̇͝i̫̲̟̜ͤ̑ͥͣ̔͐͑͂͗ͮ͂ͪ̿͜n̡̡̨̗͇̪͙͓͖̲̼̝̥͈̹̳̳̤̱̘̋͊̿͆̏ͬ̏̊̇̍̆͂͛̚̚͢t͂͒̽̿ͩͪ̈́̌̋ͬ̃ͯ̑͊҉̶̶̠̬̬͓͎͙̦̫͇̰͈̲̺͚ͅͅ ̨̰͔̜̫͙̓̃ͫ̎̽̔͛͑̊͊ͪ̈́̚͟s̄͂͐̆̄͒͐̒͜͏̵̸̮̬͕̱̟̫̻̠̥̗̭̯̹͟ó̡͓̦̥̠̼̭͎̺̦̣̲͂ͨ̾̅̋̉̉͒̅͟͡͡ ̸͈͔̘̹̮̙̙͚͇͈̟̠̉̽̽ͮ̀̔́̚̕̕͝w̧̪͔̥̖̪̫̌͒ͩͤ̿ͩ̀͘͜͟ͅh̷͎͉̳͈̲̗̦̬͓̞͙̠̤̱͖̘̠͙̑̍̉́ͨ͛̈͊͒͐̽͑̎̾͗ä̛̅̉͒ͧ̏͆͛͏̴͔͔̫͙͕̭̀t̵̗̬̲̗̟̹̟̟̞͕͙̟̮̜̜̿ͯ͐́ͣͪ́̚͠ ̸̨̧̛̣̜̼̜̫͈̬̟̲̼̮̝̹͈̐ͬͥͮ̓̓̒͋ͣ̑̔͑͋͌ͥͬ̉͘t̢̛̗͔̗̰̝̟̲̟̰̜̦̝̤͈͎ͥ͋̃̓̔ͩͦͫ̇͒ͬ̎͝͠ȟ̛͎̖̺̤̮͉͚̗͚͔̘͖̲͇̜̞̎̅̚e̡̢̳̦̳̜͕̪̫̻̬ͮ̒̐ͨ͜ͅ ̨̲͓͚̪̙̬̬̺̦̗̪͉̥̬͈ͤͤͩ̓̒̓ͦͫ̉͒́ͪ͗̍͂͗̕ͅͅh̵͈̰͖̳͖̉͒̈́ͫ̃̿ͦ͊̆̀͘̕͠e̡̘̥͇̠̮̱͂̅ͤ̽͝ḷ̴̶̣̯̻̣͉̬̬̲̦̱̜̙̉̿̌̏͛̈̌́̿͐̅ͪ͑ͫ̓ͬͭ͞l̴̨̞̟͉̠̻̯͉͈̖̬̯̼̝̱̹̠̄ͪͤ̐͢ ͪ͌ͭ̂̚҉̳̺͖̖͘d̶́ͬ̑̑̒̋̅ͭ́͏̝̤̰̺̩̰͖̘̗͕̯̠̩̙̺̟͟ȏ̷̵̡͙̜͖̺͔̣̳ͫͫ̏̎͢ ̜̠͖͙̖̮̟̜͖͉͈̺̾̐͂̊́ͫ̓ͭͪ̾̍ͪ̏̐͐̓ͤ͆̀͠Ï̵̢͍̹̲̙̭̫̤̦̟͉͙̭͔͈̘͇̍̄̎͋̽͌̉̽͐͆ͤ͡ ̏̈̏͛̊ͣ̒͗̚͘҉͓̖̗̱͕͓̻̮̻̭ç̸̗͍̙͙͇̩̋̅̈̋̓̽͒ͦ̈́̽̓̌̆̚͢ą̧̬͈͇̜̘̬̮͓͙̊ͮ̍ͤ͑͌̎ͤ̂͞r̴̸̶̢̖͔̪̗̺̜̦̝̤̼͉ͦ̎ͨ̒ͭ̆ͦ̑ͤ̀e̛̞͈̣̯̙̮͚̜̜͔̗̥͂̾ͦ̋ͯ̐͐͒̂̇̂͡?̴̸̒̐ͭͥ̅̄̇̑̇̍̔̆͞҉̴̲͇͔̙̺̖̳̫̰͚͉͎̗̖͖͚̜͚ ̛̈̇̔͊ͫ̄ͥͭ͑̍ͥ̄̈̓͛ͩ̐͂͘͜͡҉̗͍̳̝̙̳̘̩̯̩͍̙̯̤̣͇̖ͅY̛̫̭͖̹̜̼̐̑͌̆̔͌̀͝͞o̲͍̞͚̟̯̭̪̳̣͑ͣͯ̒ͦ́̿̏͑ͨ͊̐ͭ͘͝͠͠ų̢̖͍̝̖̙͕̘͎̯̘̺̮͈̓͂̅͛́̃̉ͩͅr̸͖͓̘̼͈̹̗̻̖̤͍͍͙̣͔̘̝͎̘̄̍͗̌͑́ ̨̠̰̩̺̞̜̩̜̬̝̿ͧ̾̂́͋̔̕m̸̢̢̧͇̲͍͓͔͉͚̝̦͖͇͓̜ͤͬ̔ͥ̊͌̃ͯ̓̽͠ơ̶̶̝̗͖̝͈̭̟̰̣͆̊̓̾́ͪͥ́̓̒͢ͅṁ̘̱͎̙̥͗̇ͦ͑ͭ͛̽ͪ̆̊̾͝͡m̠̳̗̻̖͋ͩ̌̀̽̉ͦͭ́ͮͥ̀͘͟͜͠a̢̓͗ͦ̃́̎̎̄̈́͆̉ͧ̆́͏̠̫̖͈͖͎̣̥͚̤̖̤͔̲̬̦!̢͙͈̦͖̮̗͈͔͍̪̣͎͓͎̖̝̔̽̑̆̀̐ͤ͐̇ͥ̽̆͗̏̃͒́̚͘̕͠ ̷̴̲̝͉͚̫̹̣̥̜̤̦̺͇̝̘̼̻̩̩͌̈́̄̿̽͑̔͛͛̅ͤ̽̿̎̉ͣ̃J̴͉͇̭̫͍͖̗͒͛̔̎̿̎͊̈́͛ͬ͆̏̔͠u̡̻̰͙̝͔̙̩̭̣̒̍̽̓͌ͩ̋̔ͧ̈́̈ͯ͌̋̊̿̍̚͘͟ͅs̢̙̠̜͇̮̰̖͉̾̓ͪ̈̒ͣ̓̇͐̾͐̂ͫ̽̓ͧ̚͜t̨̛͐̽̐͠҉̩̲͓͖͕̥̼̮͖͘ ̢̨̥̰̗̣̥̫͙͙̰̤ͮ͑͂̐ͮ͊͘͠p͍͇̼̺ͬͫ̊̉̋̎̃̇͊ͤ͡ṟ̷̨͖͍̯͉̙̟͕̠̰̹̫͉͇̱̝̱̻͗̇̇̃ͩ̄͝ͅe̷̶̡̞̫̠̟̼̻͇͚̒͑ͬ̃̒̂̿ͭ̎̾̒̀̌ͨ̔́̐̋͝͝t̿̇ͧ̆̎͊̓͊̓ͣ̉ͬͬ҉̯̜͈̫̬͍͓͚̟̮̣̩̲ͅͅẽ͕̟̰̟̥̞̭̱̙͔̍́̑̄̓̋̅̽̈́͋͐̕ͅn̢̛ͣ̅̉̈́̈́҉̷̼̘̭̺d̷̶͎̩̳͎̤͖͉̗̙͚̙̲̼̦͙̂̆̎ͪͧ̚ ̷̢̛̹̬̺̟̝̦͉̥̮̰̯͈͚̀ͧͮͧ̐̅̎͛́͗́̕Ṗ͐̓͏͏̪͉͇̱̘͙̹͖̦r̵̸̝̩̣͚͔͚͚̲̪͎͍̠̽̏͑́͗̇̽ͫͧ̆̋̂̀͘̕ê̛̏̉ͭ̽ͪͬ̑ͬ̀̓̚҉̼̻͚̣̭̗̹̹̺̯͓̤̻͖͕ͅc̉̀̐ͥ͜͏̶̺͚̥̤̣ͅiͫ̊͐́̿̍̈̚͘͡҉͚̹̭̘̣͚̗͉͔̼ͅá̜̱̝̤ͦ̅͆̀̈́̓͗͒͑̽ͧ̎ͥ͂́͜͜͡ ̎̅̀̾͐̽̽̈͐͗ͣ̾̚҉̴̶̪͈̻͕̳́ĭ̵͙̺̝̙́̃̚̕͘s͇̦̪̠̳͚̫̦͉̺̗̻̲̲̍͛͆̒̇̿̿̓ͦ͆ͪͥ̽́͝͞ͅ ̌ͧ̍̒̆ͤͬͦ̍̈́̌́͏̷̧͓̼̮̣̗͓s͚̬̻̘̠̈́ͩ̌͛̅ͯͪ̄͒̌̏͒̓̊͛̔ͫ̽̀͞ͅa̢̨͇̘̗̤̹̙̮͍̝̜ͩ͐ͭ̽́ͥ́̅̏ͨͯͤ͠ẙ̡̙͔̺͕̱̠͕̟̈̋̒ͨ̀͒̆̃ͤ͑̂̅͗͒͑̅ͫ́͝į̵̡̳̩͕͎̺̬̺̜̭͖̥̫̞͍̯͌ͣ̔̽ͭn̴̻͙̪̣̗̟̤̳̗͉̫̥͎͙̆͌̓ͪͮ͟g̡͎͍͕͎͎̙̯̲͇̘̹̭̳͉̦ͤ͗̀͋̄̈́͒̑̊ͤͣ̆̅ͧ͒̀́ ̸̢̜̪̠̞͔͚̥̥͍͈͉͙̞̘͋ͤ̃̂ͬ͐̅̊̉́̚͜͡ͅş̳͇̝̪̣̤̻̥͔̤͍̥̟ͥ̒̓͂̋̓͋ͫ͋̆̒ͮ͐̇̐̉ớ̡̙̗͇̠̹̲̤̙̫̼̝̝͔͇͗̇̓̉̈́͆ͩ̒̊́̍̒̑ͨ̓̊ͥ͘͝m̸̱̟̖̣͙̝̟̠̠͔̹̮̱͇̲͈̣̞̠ͧͥ͂̇̍͞e̻̜̦͉̝̝̳ͫ͂ͤͪͥͭ͒ͨ͗̋͠͡t̛̠̥͉̣̻͕͆̓͆̀̃͐̓̎͋̿̐̊͢͡͠͝h̡̻͇̯̤͋̍̃̊͛͌͒͐ͦͧͭ̓̉́ͪ͠i̧͇̬̝̪̍ͩͯ̂́́̚͘͟͢ņ̛͚̹̻̰̜̱̙̞̰͖͍̺̪̩͍͇̒͊̾̈́͑̓͌́̕ǵ̢̧̤̼̗̤̤̪̜̯̤͙̙̝ͥ̑ͫ̑ͨͧ̈͑ͯ̍̽̔̋͂̌ͫ͘͢ ̨̆͆ͬ̋̊̕҉̟͔̯̼̰̹͈̱̘̹̮̙̯ͅͅͅe̢͍̳̞͈̦̒͒̃ͪͪͣ̈͑̈́ͮ́̌ͦͮ̋ͬ͟v̶̨̭̙̬̗͍̺̗̣̦̘͎̿͑̽̒̆ę̧̧̺̺͓͓̻̉ͩͨͣͯ̒ͬ̔͋̍̈́̄̄̂̑́n̷̼͚͔̖͔̝͓͔̘̦͇̰͙̩͉̜̥̂ͫ̑̌ͦͫ̎ͣ̈́̇̂̂͊́̕͢ ̷̙̙̫͕͈̗̤ͤ͒͛̓́̓͒ͨͩ̒ͥ̈͂̚͢v̷̡̞̼̞̙̯̳̗͎̯ͪ̓͑́̓̽̿͘͘͟ͅḁ̶̵̞̹̣̯ͨ͗͌ͧ̃̓͘g̼̯̥̪͖̭̞͆͋̿͐͗̾͂͌̐̓ͦ͑ͬ͌ͣ͂ͦ̚͘͢u̸̴̘̗͈̬͙̗̤̹̼̰̥̪̤̝͈̝̪̺̮̐̐̏͗ͮͭͣ̒͑͐ͮ̈́è̓̊ͯͬ̅̋͗̾ͣ͋́͜҉̢͔̹̰̫͙̘̖͉̯̩̼ĺ̌͛ͮ̄̇͆ͭ̑̾̃͒̎͗ͨͬ̀̊̚͢͏̨̫̩̜̝͟͟ͅẏ̴̷̫̟͈̫̠̤͂̂̈͒͋̑ͮ̾̽͊̂̉ͪ́̚ͅ ̴̶̴̢̟̩̠̟ͣ͛ͪ̇ͧ̽̏͟ưͧͩͧͪ̾̆ͬ̀ͮͮ͊ͦ҉̭̩͕̥̭͍̮̺̹̩̲̟̻͙͘s̽̑̀ͣ̓͗͗̏̃̿̓ͬ̍ͮ͗͏҉̩͈͔̘̫͖̫͢͟͝e̡̧̜̫̥͇̥͚ͬ̎̓̍̌̏ͥ͂ͩ̓ͩͅͅf͓̗͚͙̜̜̿ͦ̍̋͂̂̀͛ͩ̒ͯ̓͆̚͜͢͠͞͠û̷̷̫̹̹̞̌ͬ̊ͯ͒̕l̛̹̞͍͙̟̲̠̲̟̤̤̮̺̻͊ͯ͌̍̐͋̊̊͗͂ͨ͛ͦ̃̒͋ ̷̸̢͇̦̬̻͚̤̮̫̯̹̜͖̙͕̥ͦͣ̽̃ͥͮ̔̀͐ͨ̍̓̀̚ǫ̫̱̪̤̪̩͕̱̺̗͔ͮ̌͊̊́͟ŗ̷̵͕͇̙̣̮͍͕̰̗̦̀̔ͦ͐̈̑̑̐̆̅͐͑ͯ̚͟ ̙̗̲͔̖͕̘̼͈̱͈̮̘̼̥̫̭͍̃ͯͪ͒ͣͭ͑ͨ̓̓̍̔̏̊̚̕͟p̶̸̧͉̣͈͙̞͔̮̓̎͑̅͐͐͌͊́̏́͝ͅl̶̢̛̛̲̹͈̙̯̙̼̀̿͗ͬͅǫ͗ͬ̂̈̔̒̌̓҉̧̪̰̱̘̤̞̻͈̳͖͇̹́ͅͅt̢̯͕͍̦̝̦̦͍͇̖̼͈̫͍̖̟̲͓ͩ̋ͨ̇͗͟͞ ̡̧͉̬̪̙̲̼͍̃̿̂̒̎͋̓͂̂͑̋̓̈́̀̚̚͝r̫͚̹̫̳͎͖̠̈́͋ͦ̈́ͪ͑̓ͤ̏̿͘e͊ͦͫ̿͑̿̅̇͏̵̖̗̳̻̻̺̞͙̻̬͕ͅl̫̙̠̫̦̖̳̩͔̹̖̬͇̺̺̦͙̎ͩͮͮ̅ͦͪ͒̌ͫ̇ͤ̄̽̕̕a̹̰̩͙͇͍͕̥͈̗̟̦͚̠̠̗̹͔̞͂̊̇͌͢͝͞ṱ̨̱̩͔̖͇̙̯̩̟̮̠̮̫̋̑̋̎ͥ͛̕͘ͅͅe̛̟̥͖͍̘̝͈̪͚̓̔ͫ̉̎͆͐̽ͧ̌ͮ̅͋ͦ͆̉͜͜͡d̨͉̫̻̗̰͎̞͔̣̻̖̩̖͙̟͕̱̑̿̓̋̋ͥͣ͌ͥ̃̀̎̓͛̉ ͎̱̳̰̖̺̞̘̭̼̻̣͖̳͕̗̭̒̓͛́ͨͥ̃͑̂͂͢͡h͆ͯ͐̊͗ͤͬͭ̐̅҉̡͓͓̠͎̻̹̰͓̹́e̴ͧͫͦ̾͆͆̍ͦ͝͏̫̯̫̠͚̜͖̼͟͡r̒ͬͥ͗̊͏̸̹̺̭̣͎̰͇̬̦̤͖̱̳̖e̸̢ͭ͆ͤ͏̼̤͈̞̬̮̟͈̰̹̲̮̳̼̦́ͅ,̵̶̢̘̖͙̏̇́̀̈ͦ̃̑̐ͦ̀̂̓̏͌̄͠͡ͅ ̢̣̦͍͎͈̺̘̝͌̉̓͐̆̃ͭ̉͑̒̄ͮ̚͠y̵ͮ̊̉̅ͯ͆҉̶̨̣̰̤͓̖͙̘̻͕̼̕ṏ̶̲͚̗͍̖̩ͧ͆̎ͦͥ̿̆̋ͦ̾̚͜͢͝͠u̵͉̥͍̮̒̌̅͋ͪͫͫ͋́̊͊̑̌̚͘ ̴̴̤̣͉͈̦̤̣͉͈̦ͯͧͨ̐͆̌͂͂̋ͩͦ̇́ͯͧͨ̐͆̌͂͂̋ͩͦ̇́̚̚͢͢͡͡ĉ̛ͥͬͫ̋̅̌ͭͬ͗ͮͨͩ́͟͞҉͓̗̫̣̪͚̙͙ͅͅͅǫ̥͙̭̦̼̟̗̃ͤ͐̉̄̓̇̐͂̀̚̚͜ů̙̜̝̳̰͎͚͑̏̓ͥͩ͗͋̇͊͑̎̚͠l̡̓̐ͬ́ͪ̀̑ͥ͏̷̨͔̖͖̝̠̫̘̯͖̖͡ͅd̶̰̟͍̬̜̙̝͇̖̻̬̮̱̳̂̒ͨͭ̓̓́͝ ̢̹͙̬̳̙̊͋ͮ̉͟͝͝p͒̆̓ͯ͋͑̀͛͑̌ͫ̍̽͏̫̘̰̟̤̰͡r̨̢ͯͪ̒͌̂́ͮ͒̒̒̆ͯ̀̚҉̼̗͙̮o̊̈́̓ͣ͑͂̿̋̍̏ͮ̌ͨͮ̌͗̉͏҉̧̰͔̬̠̗̪̘bͫͣ̑̆̿͋̐ͨ͒́̚̕҉̗͎̬̮̹̤̩͉̖͈̞̭ͅą̧̧̙̖̰̲͚̱̟̞̭̳ͫ̃̑͆ͤͫͦ̎ͨ͆̾̾̐ͨ͢͝b̵͈̹̱͈͖̣̜̼͈̺̭̭͎̳͊ͨͥ́̚͜͞l̷̬͙̲̳͚̟͔̲͈̠ͯͤͩ̊̓̔̂͂͡ͅy̧̰̦̩̰̟̮̅̒͗̇̈́̍̄́̅̃͗̅ͣ͌ͭ̉ͦ̀̚ ̧̢͎̼̰̘͈̫ͣͥ͂̓͛̚̕m̧͋̽̏̓̾ͧ҉̨̹̺̙̹̬͉͖̻͉̙̙̤͓̭͙͝͝ͅͅȧ̡̛̫̯͚̼̮̙̲̥͕̜̝̊͒͑̆̒̋̾̈́ͦͯ̉ͦ̓ͨ͒̃̚͠k̸̵̨̟̺̤̥̣̳͓͍͛̎ͫͣ́͠͝ͅe̸̢̙̤̠̘̯͈͉͉̳̭̠̍̾̔ͮ̈͘ ̧̨̰͚̰̗̰̼͊ͪͮ̑̂̔̓̿͆̽̉ͥ̍ͩ́ͯ̕͟͡u̧̖̱̭̜̬̭̣̣̬̥͙̦̱̫̹̼̫͛ͦ̽̑͒ͬ̆͋̓͑ͨ̒ͬ͋͊̑̀̕͡p͇̼̲̯͓̙͔̌ͯ̐͑ͩ̇͆̏̂ͥ͋̄ͭ̒̀͜ ̷̢̰̬͓͔̼̖̍ͬ̽̐͛̔̀̄̿̓ͧ͋ͧ̐a͚̪̼̠͔̞̪̯͕̘͔̬͙̦̟͊ͯ͊ͮ̕͞ͅͅ ̵̵̹̮͍̜̥̏̂̓̂ͯͮ̓ͥ̄ͫ̈́͐̽̕͞ḇ̴̲̭̹͓̲͋ͬ͑̿̏͌̈̂̈́ͭͯͭ̾ͮ̅ͨ̽̒ę̷̭̱̳͇̭̭̬̓̉̊̆ͭͫ̒̑͑ͣ̍͢t͊ͦ̆̾̆ͫ̓ͯ͌ͦ͆̽ͯ̍҉̛̭͔͓͇͟t̷̳͕̲̰̬̥ͥ̾ͮ͗ͥ̍́ͧ̔ͦ̆͐͊̀̿ͩ̅͢͝e̢͈̱͈͇͍͖͇̹͎̝̙͙̲̳̺̖̦̙ͪ̽̈́̄̕͘͢͝r͚͔̭̈́͐ͪͧ̓ͨͦ͌ͮ̐͂̂ͫͫ̃̅ͫ͑ͯ͘̕ ̵͕͕̹̼͍̺͍̬͓͖̐ͦ̃̔ͧ̋̊͒ͫ̿̈̑ͅl̶̨̛͈͚͚̣͒̌ͥͣ͝͞i̴̡̦̗̗͖̭̪̣̙͔͗̏͆ͥ͒̅͋ͪͩ̍͂̅ͬ̂̀n̴̛̺̭̭̈́͐ͬͬ̃͐ͤ͐ͩͨ̑̈ͧͭͪ͒͊́̕͟e̴̦͖̦͚ͥͥͧ̔̂ͮͪ̀̐͐͊ͤͧͦͫ͌ͬ̃ ̥̜̜͉̞̈̅̇̏̏ͯ̐͐͑͒͛̊ͩͪ͂ͥ̀̕͟͢t̹͕͚͍͈̲̼͖̜̙̦͇͉̞͇̅̈́̄ͬͨ̔̄ͣ̓ͩ̕͝͡ͅh̘̥̫͇͖̻̙͎̣̬̗̝̟̥̤͇̄̌͐ͣͯ͋͋͐ͩͬ͂ͥͭ̎ͮ̏͜͞a̡ͤ̽ͩ̓ͩ͑̎̔̆͒̌ͫ̔͊̔͏̛͇̣̗̺̤̤̤̦̯͚̹̜̕͝n̛͍̻͎̮̼̦̞ͭͮͣ̇̆ͦͩ̚͝ ̶͇̺͇̘͎̹̝̓̾̎̄ͤ̇ͤ͐̿̍͊͂ͪ̾̑ͣ͗I̯͔̥̰͉̟̝̘̗̱̪̦̦̅̔ͫ̊̓̓̐͑͐͊ͬ̅͗́͡͠ͅ ̶̛̮͖͖̠͔̠̓͊͆̃̿͋̈́͂̉̔ͮ͊̀͌̇̇̚͢͠͡c̵̡̺̹̠͚̳̣͙̞̬̮̜͈̠̬̳̗̠̗͋͐̋ͭ͑͂͟͝o̢͔͈̳͋̈́͌̏ͫͮ̈ͬ́͋̿̃̊͠ͅu̸̴̧͕͓̞͖̺͖͊͛ͤͮ̒̄̉̏ͅl̸̊̇̈͛̔҉̧͎̗̪̖͇̩͈͎͈̳̟̳͎̞̮̱ͅͅd̀̿ͦ̍ͫ͐͊̏̉̄͂ͯ̔̿̑҉̹̹̝̗̀.̴̩̭̤̲̼̭̗̬͕̟̖͆̉͐̒̉ͬͪ͐ͪͦ̔͋ͥ͆͗͗ͤ͜͠

Vivio: Okay Precia, you have to shut up now. Seriously.
Einhart: (puts away the boombox used to play the Vivio Man theme song) So what should we do?
Vivio: ...Punch her?
Einhart: I don't really want to get to close to her actually...

(The asbestos have completely driven Precia insane. She's spewing incoherent rubbish out of her mouth and seriously bro, no one can understand a damn word she's saying.)

???: INCOMING!
Einhart: Holy Chekhov's gun Vivio Man!
Vivio: I'm a girl!
Einhart: WHATEVER, NOW IS NOT THE TIME!

Reinforce: BLUE SHELL! BLUE SHELLLLLL!
(Reinforce bursts onto the scene, the tires of her car squealing beneath her as she drives like a drunken blind man. Vivio and Einhart dive out of the way)

(Reinforce, still being chased by the blue shell I bet all of you forgot by now, is on a head-collision course with Precia)

(I assure you, Precia said something along the lines of "Oh no!" or something but damn it, her text is annoying)

(Cue explosions)

-------------------------------

Vivio: We did it sidekick! We saved the day!
Einhart: We did absolutely nothing actually. You did jack all except get slapped around by me in fact!
Vivio: What ever, we're awesome so that's that~

---------------------------------

And so our heroes, being finally reunited, decided to hang up their ridiculous costumes of justice and retire from the super-hero business.

Mid-Childa rejoiced. Not because the day was saved but because Vivio and Einhart wouldn't accidentally make a thousand incidents more worse like they usually do trying to "save the day"

And they all lived happily ever after.

...Probably.

-------------------------------

THE END

Einhart: Wait a second, did you just call me your sidekick?
Vivio: Shush, the story's over now.
Einhart: Well yeah, but-!

THE

ENNNNNND

Einhart: ...fine then. Jerk.

Congratulations! If you read all of my Vivio Man stories and haven't melted your brain then... you know, good for you!

Thanks for reading, see ya next time~

Cardboard box is here!

Natus's picture
Offline
Joined: 04/26/2011
Posts: 1261

Hello there, all you ladies and not-ladies!

Guess what? I'm COMPLETELY OUT OF PLOT IDEAS! It's an author's worst nightmare! Even for one such as myself, who just writes whatever random crap literally comes to mind!

I'm going to rewrite the original series.
Even though it's been like, 2 years since I've last seen it and remember basically nothing about it.

So like...
...
...
Don't expect a lot, okay? ^^;

HERE WE GO!

Spoiler:

We open our tale with a boy getting his ass kicked by a pink rabbit. Straight away, we know this guy's a huge wuss.

In fact, he's so much of a huge wuss that he inexplicably turns into a ferret. That's right, when you get your ass handed to you by rabbits, God turns you into a ferret because you are not a man. You're not even a boy.

You are now a damn ferret.

The rabbit doesn't kill the ferret who was attacking him and instead leaves him alone in the woods.

Some time later, some Japanese girl starts narrating to herself and introduces herself as Nanoha Takamichi. Normally, such behavior would be associated with blatant and out of control narcissism but since she's the main protagonist, we'll let it slide.

For now.

Due to some circumstances I can't quite remember very well, Nanoha hands the ferret over to a vet or something. Yuno, does your pride as a man hurt whenever you think about this day? It freaking should, ferret boy!

Nanoha is chilling out at home doing...whatever it is little girls do. Playing with Barbies or something. Do they even have Barbies in Japan? ...Screw it, they have Yukis, which are like Barbies but Japanese. Damn, wouldn't it be funny if it was a real doll?

...What was I talking about again? It had something to do with food, right? I want some snacks now, I wonder if we have any-

OH GOD, THE CRACK FIC

That's right, Nanoha is playing with her Yukis when she gets a psychic message from Yuno to come save him from the rabbit, who should have killed him ages ago when he had the chance. Stupid rabbit...

Nanoha is totally okay with listening to the little voices in her mind that only she can hear and sneaks back to the vet in the middle of the night. This is totally a good idea. This will not result in Nanoha being known as a figure of mass destruction who resorts to violence as a solution to every problem.

Good job Yuno. Good job Nanoha.

So anyway, what was I talking about again? Damn, I need to keep a diary or something so I remember these things..

Oh yeah, magical girls.

So the yellow animal thing kinda forces the Japanese girl into making some kind of magical contract that gives her an enchanted staff and tasks her with the job of collecting a bunch of magical artifacts before they go out of control and break stuff.

So the magical girl beats the crap out of the stupid rabbit that bounces around a lot and goes on a quest to find the...thingies even though it's really the yellow thing's job.

Along the way the magical girl and her sidekick/mentor/mascot animal thing met some other person collecting the magical whatever-it-was-damn-I-don't-remember. The other guy is all moody and serious and emo and crap but along the way they become friends and get all lovey dovey and crap.

...

No hang on a second, what am I talking about again?

OH MY GOD! I'm talking about the wrong magical girl show! This isn't Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha, this is Card Captor Sakura!

What the hell was I up to again?

Oh yeah, I'm must be almost finished with the first episode by now.

...Holy crap, just the first? Man, you guys are in this for the LONG haul!

So yeah. Yuno has Raising Heart on him but for some reason unknown to anyone is actually incapable of using the damn thing so he gives it to literally the first person he talks to.

Nanoha uses it perfectly.

Holy crap Yuno, the hell is wrong with you? The more I write this, the more of a complete pussy you become! Seriously, I wasn't even planning on picking on you, it's just happening because you kinda suck.

So yeah, sorry about that ferret boy.

No seriously, I forgot where I'm up to again. DAMN IT YUNO, THIS IS YOUR FAULT!

Screw it, there's no way I can possibly keep this up. I keep getting distracted by everything and I'm getting nowhere. I'm just going to let everything out in one massive rant and end it for today! BWA HA HA HA!

The TSAB is like, some kind of military thing? And they let kids work there? Chrono is Lindy's son so I guess that might explain why he's there but what about Amy? Are there NO child labour laws in Mid-Childa?!

...No wait, doesn't that make Chrono a child soldier? Isn't that like, really freaking bad?

Changing the topic, you know that bit where Nanoha bitch slaps Arisa? And they somehow become friends? So like, I guess that for Nanoha beating the shit out of people makes them like you somehow.

Dude, that would explain SO much!

Hm, I wonder why Arisa became Nanoha's friend though? I understand why... what's her name, Suzuka would want to be Nanoha's friend after she bitch slaps the bully but...

Forget it, kids are stupid.

Isn't Arf ever cold wearing... you know, a tank top that's too small for her and shorts?

Holy shit you guys, you know how Precia has a whole army of magical knight armours? If she wanted to search for the Jewel Seeds then why not use those? Why waste time waiting for Linith to teach Fate magic when you can beat the shit out of everyone with an army of giant knights?

Speaking of Fate, how the hell did she get out of the Arthra after getting arrested? She literally had free access to magic and her weapons, she basically just strolled out!

Speaking of the Arthra, how did Lindy convince Nanoha's parents to take her?

"Hi mum and dad, this is some weird lady I've never met before who's going to take me away for a while on her magic spaceship"
"Hi, I'm some weird lady. I'm basically kidnapping your daughter for reasons I refuse to tell you. Rest assured I'm not going to molest her. Kthxbye"

...Why the hell does Yuno turn into a ferret? Why is that? Seriously, why a ferret?

No wait, Nanoha's family all know kendo right? But Nanoha doesn't? She doesn't incorporate any kendo techniques into her fighting style? Yeah, she just blasts everyone out of the sky but she engages in close combat as well!

...
...

Well, that's me I guess. Now that I've gotten all this out of my system, I'll try properly later.

See ya~

Cardboard box is here!

Natus's picture
Offline
Joined: 04/26/2011
Posts: 1261

How about something easy to read? Here are a bunch of short one-shots.
No really, they're freaking short. Since you're here you might as well read them, enjoy!

Spoiler:

Hayate is sitting in her chair, leaning back in it while resting her feet on her desk.
"Now tell me Ms. Testarossa" she says with a ridiculously fake German accent, "when exactly have you started having these dreams?"

Fate, lying down on an "ergonomic" (which apparently means "uncomfortable as hell") couch, is visibly disturbed by Hayate's accent and shoots her a look of confusion.

Hayate waits patiently for Fate to reply.

Fate sighs.
"I've been having the same dream for about... a week now?"

"Good, good... Why don't you tell me what happens in these dreams?"

Fate cringes, partly because of her dreams but mostly because of Hayate's awful accent.

"Well, it goes something like this..."

-------------------------------------------

Nanoha: Fate, there's something I've been meaning to tell you...
Fate: What is it?
Nanoha: I'VE BEEN SLEEPING WITH YOUR MAMA!

Precia kicks down the door and strides into the room

Precia: Sup bitches, where's my honey at?

Nanoha and Precia suck face

------------------------------------------

"-And that's how it goes. What do you think, Hayate?"

"I think you need to get over yourself and this whole Precia thing"

Spoiler:

Hayate holds up a jar and shakes it. The sounds of jingling coins can be heard.

"Come on Hayate, I thought we were friends..." Nanoha pleaded with Hayate while also reaching for her wallet, knowing full well how this will end.

Hayate's response was to use her free hand to point to a bored looking Vita, who is wearing a sandwich board advertising the following: "Hayate's Psychology Clinic: $5 or have your knee caps broken"

Nanoha fished around and shoved some coins in the jar. Hayate glanced at the jar and then shook it in front of Nanoha's face again.
"Wha- I JUST paid you the money!"

Hayate shook the jar furiously in front of Nanoha before pointing to Vita, who was already pulling out Graf Eisen. Nanoha swore quietly under her breath and popped some more coins into the jar.

"Now tell me then, Ms. Takamachi. What is your dilemma?" asked Hayate as she rubbed her face against the jar.

Nanoha stared for a bit, taken aback. She wasn't quite sure if the jar-rubbing or the sudden German accent confused her more. She decided to let it go for now.
"You see Hayate... I've been having these weird dreams for a while now..."

Hayate swore loudly in German and banged her fists on the table. Vita stole a glance at Hayate and decided it wasn't worth it, going back to standing around and not getting involved.

"...No, carry on Ms.Takamachi. Tell me more about these dreams"

Nanoha paused, wondering if Hayate was the right person to get advice from.
"You know, I think I should-"

"You already paid the money, you might as well" stated Hayate flatly, accent gone. Nanoha sighed and resigned herself to the nonsense.

"Alright then, my dreams go like this..."

----------------------------------------

Fate: Nanoha, there's something I've been meaning to tell you...
Nanoha: What is it?
Fate: I'VE BEEN SLEEPING WITH YOUR MAMA!

Momoko Takamachi, Nanoha's mother, kicks down the door and strides into the room

Momoko: Sup bitches, where's my honey at?

Fate and Momoko suck face

--------------------------------------

"I FREAKING KNEW IT!" screamed Hayate as she brought her fist down on to the desk again. There was a loud, sickening crack as Hayate broke her wrist.

"Holy shit Hayate, what the fu-"

"Look Nanoha, you and Fate are totally fine. The only problems you have is that you two worry too much about the little things and need to get over yourselves."

"..Wow Hayate, that kinda makes sense. Thanks!"

"No problem, can you call Shamal over here?"

"Sure, what's the- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR WRIST?!"

Spoiler:

"-and that's how I broke my wrist" Hayate finished explaining her circumstances to Shamal, who was searching her medicine cabinets for her special Anime-brand Magical Healing Bandages©

"That's...interesting, Hayate" Shamal said slowly while secretly wondering if they made bandages that fixed the mind too.
"Anyway Hayate, since your giving out free psychology advice I want to ask you something..."

"What- I never said it was free!" responded Hayate.

"You see..." Shamal began, ignoring Hayate's demands for spare change, "I've been having these dreams for a week now and they go like this:"

---------------------------------

Signum: Shamal, there's something I've been meaning to tell you...
Shamal: What is it?
Signum: You're fat

-------------------------------

"-And that's my dream, do you think it means something?"

"No. Shut up."

Cardboard box is here!

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Posts: 1261

I never noticed this before, but there's a spoiler button above the little window where you type stuff. Man, that would have been useful AGES ago!

Anyway, here's another story.

Spoiler:

"Oh no, someone's robbing the First National Bank of Mid-Childa!" screamed some random by-stander as a bunch of 1920 gangsters robbed said bank.

"Don't worry, Subaru is here to save the day!" Subaru smashed through the walls of the bank and confronted the gangsters.
"Stop right there, evil doers!"

"...Holy crap, did this chick just ROLLERBLADE through a wall?!" said one crook
"My god, what a crazy son of a bit-" agreed another. Or at least, he was in the middle of it before Subaru crushed his skull like an egg.

"OH MY GOD! FRAAAANK!" A gangster fell to his knees and cradled the body of his comrade.
"I'll have my vengeance on you even if it's the last thing I-!" Subaru crushed his skull too before he could finish.

"You there, crazy rollerblade lady! Stop crushing my evil minions' skulls in, it's ruining our health insurance policies!" roared Evil McBad-guy, the evil kung-fu master who has 1920's gangster henchmen for some reason.

Evil picked up a terrified teller and threw it at Subaru. She punched straight threw her.

"No seriously lady, what the hell?! Don't you have any idea about what 'collateral damage' means?" asked Evil.

"Not really, I just like punching stuff" Subaru stated simply.

Evil scoffed.
"I'm Evil McBad-guy, the BEST kung-fu master in town! There's no way you can out punch me!"

Subaru punched him and almost killed him. Almost.

Evil flew through the air from the force of the punch and slammed into a wall.
"Holy crap girl, you crazy! Don't come any closer!" Evil shrieked like a little girl and tried to hobble away. He didn't get very far before Subaru caught up with him.

"Any last words before I crush your skull in save the day?" Subaru asked.

"...Your shoelaces are untied" said Evil flatly.

Subaru looked down. Then she looked up.
"Hey, Mach Caliber doesn't even HAVE shoelaces!" she retorted.

But Evil McBad-guy already ran off into the distance.

---------------------------------

"The hell, Subaru?" Teana gave Subaru a look that clearly said 'you are a complete moron'. Teana's facial expressions are mean.

"Tea, your facial expressions are being mean to me again!" wailed Subaru. Teana slapped herself and her facial expression grumbled to itself.

"Sorry Subaru, my face is a little cranky today. But no really, what happened out there?"

And so Subaru spent 67 glorious seconds recounting what happened in amazing, verbal HD.

Teana nodded wisely at the end of Subaru's tale.
"You are a complete moron" She said.
Teana's facial expression swore at the injustice of the world.

---------------------------------------

"Well Subaru, according to this report you are kind of stupid." Hayate gravely handed a clipboard over to Subaru as she said this. The clipboard said "Subaru is kind of stupid"

...

No, there's no joke about a magic clipboard. That wouldn't be funny at all, why would you even think about that?

"Everyone's so mean today..." Subaru mumbled to herself as she snapped the clipboard in half. Hayate sighed.

"Okay Nissan-" Hayate began.

"It's Subaru" corrected Niss-...Subaru.

"Right, whatever. Anyway, I'm here to help you be slightly less stupid." Hayate pointed down at Subaru's feet.
"Before we start, you better tie your shoelaces"

"Oh sure, okay" said Subaru as she looked down at her feet.
"...No wait a second-"

Before Subaru could finish, Hayate flicked her finger upwards, striking Subaru's nose. Subaru instinctively reacted by hooking Hayate in the face.

-------------------------------------

"...What if I said I was REAAAALLLLYY sorry?" asked Subaru flatly, full well knowing what the answer would be.

"Sure, okay. That's fine" replied Signum.

"Woah, really?" Subaru asked, hope in her eyes.

"No, of course not! Suck it up, super hard training begins now!" ordered Signum as she elbowed Subaru in the stomach.
"This training will teach you focus, so you don't punch everything in sight. Also, I feel pissed off at you after what you did to Hayate so I'm going to make this as difficult for you as possible."

Subaru nodded while holding her gut.

"Anyway, here's what's going to happen. All you need to do is look into my eyes. If I catch you breaking eye contact for ANY reason, I'm going to bitch slap you across the face with my pimping hand." As if to demonstrate, Signum help up the massive third arm she has growing out of her chest.

...What, you never noticed it? Signum totally has a giant arm just jutting out of the middle of her chest. That's her pimping hand, which she uses to bitch slap AW YEAH into people.

Seriously, if you haven't seen it then you are obviously not paying attention.

Subaru straightened up and stared at Signum, who stared back.

Moments later, Subaru noticed a butterfly float past.
"Oh look, it's a butterfl-"

Signum gave Subaru the bitch slap of AW YEAH with her pimping hand. Subaru spun in midair and landed heavily on the ground, sprawled out.

"Good god Signum, what the hell?!"

"Shut up and get back to training! Everytime you lose focus, you get another dose of AW YEAH straight to your damn jaw!"

Subaru growled but complied and resumed training.

Subaru stared at Signum.

Signum stared at Subaru.

Moments pass.

Signum snapped her fingers.
"Now for the next part of training!"

Zafira jumped out from behind a corner, in his human form and wearing a trench coat. Subaru tried not to focus on Zafira and keep eye contact with Signum.

Zafira fished around in his trench coat pockets and pulled out a boombox. He set it down and fiddled around with it before singing.

"I'M BRINGING SEXY BACK! YEAH!" With this, Zafira threw off his trench coat to reveal his disturbingly revealing loincloth.

Subaru's brain BBOD'd on itself, which is the only reason why she didn't instantly lose this round of training.

--------------------------------------

"Mitsubishi, get up!" demanded a voice.

"Son of a- ... It's 'Subaru' you moron" Subaru stood up groggily and looked around. She was where she was before but it was much later now.

"Who are you calling a moron, moron?!" Vita slammed her knee into Subaru's leg, giving her a Charlies horse. Subaru swore loudly and toppled over.

"WHAT THE HELL VITA?!" she screamed as she clutched her leg.

"You passed out like a wuss during Signum's training so I'm taking over! When I'm done with you, I'm going to have you so focused that..."

"...That what?"

"s-Shut up! Something smart and clever and awesome, that's what!" Vita started kicking Subaru until she got up.

"Alright alright, stop kicking me! Geez you are such a dick sometimes!" Subaru managed to stand up and glared at Vita. Vita glared right back.

"Combat is a life or death experience so I'm going to make sure your training is going to be the same way. Ready?" explained Vita as she glared daggers at Subaru.

Subaru swatted the daggers away in mid-air while nodding impatiently.

"Good, good..." began Vita, "but first, tie your shoelaces"

Subaru glanced down but immediately looked back up.
"Hang on, I'm not falling for that aga-HOLY SHIT!"

Subaru ducked as Vita swung Graf Eisen at her head.
"What the hell is wrong with you, that almost killed me!"

"FOOL! I just said that your training will be a life or death experience!" With that, Vita rushed towards Subaru and swung the hammer at her again.
"LIFE OR DEATH, PORSCHE!"

"It's Subaru! SUBARU!" screamed Subaru as she dodged.

"LIFE OR DEATH!"

"Oh crap!"

"LIFE OR DEATH!"

"You're crazy! So freaking crazy!"

"LIFE OR DEATH!"

"What the hell is WRONG with you?!"

"LIFE OR DEATH!"

"OH GOD MY SPINE!"
-----------------------------------------

"Oh no, someone is robbing the Second National Bank of Mid-Childa!" Yes, it's the same by-stander. Also, this bank is directly next door to the old one. That's got to be some poor city planning right there.

"Blah blah blah, Subaru is here..." Hobbling forward at a slightly impressive speed, Subaru half assed her entry as she walked int the bank while using a walking stick.

Evil McBad-guy, upon seeing Subaru, shit himself.
"OH FFFFFUUUUUUUUU- no wait, why are you using a walking stick?" he asked while wiping himself with a poor banker. And I don't mean "poor" as in "unfortunate" but "poor" as in "he is a junior assistant and gets paid squat"

Subaru looked away and avoided eye contact with Evil as she muttered darkly under her breath about lolis with hammers.

Evil and his crew of gangsters took this as their cue to escape.

"WAIT RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM!" roared Subaru as she threw her walking stick at the nearest gangster. The walking stick smashed his skull open as it hit him.

"OH MY GOOOOOOD! FRAAAAAANK!" cried a nearby gangster as he fell to his knees and cradled his deceased fellow mobster.

Evil pointed down at Subaru's feet.
"Look, your shoes are untied!" he blatantly lied as he ran away.

But Subaru was having none of it.
"Like hell I'm falling for that again, come back you son of a-OH GOD MY BACK!"

------------------------------------------

"-and that's what happened" droned Subaru as she retold this tale to a bored Teana. Her facial expression clearly said that Subaru was a moron. Subaru bitch-slapped the facial expression.

"Thanks Subaru, my face is a real bitch some times. But no seriously, throwing away your walking stick was a bad idea." said Teana as she watched her facial expression fly off her face from the force and sail off into the horizon.

"Yeah yeah, I know..." grumbled Subaru.

And that's the end of that story! Come back later when I've written some more, see ya next time!

Cardboard box is here!

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Posts: 1261

Grand Finale was quite the success, I got lots of free time now that I can't go to the NanoFate chats anymore~

And that means more time to shove more crack down your throat! Enjoy!

Spoiler:

Einhart glanced over Vivio's shoulder to stare at her screen before returning to her own. "I don't get it" she said, "People used to play these?"

For no particular reason, today Vivio and Einhart are playing a MUD together.

"Let's see... I think I'll go west, towards town" Vivio said half to herself as she typed 'W' into the game.

You have traveled WEST and arrived at the TOWN. You begin slaughtering the townspeople.

"No wait, what? I didn't what to do that!" Vivio said in surprise as she gave her computer a smart slap. "What the hell?!"

"Wow Vivio, that's quite dark" remarked Einhart as her character was eaten by a grue. "OH SON OF A BIT-"

---------------------------------------------

You have arrived at the HOLY TEMPLE. There is a PRIEST praying by the altar. To the WEST there is a pipe organ. To the EAST is a stained glass window.

Vivio thought about her options carefully.
"I think I'll take to the priest" she said slowly as she typed in "/ talk priest"

You threaten the PRIEST and demand the HOLY TEMPLE'S donation box

"What? No, I didn't want to do that!" Vivio smacked her computer again.

"Wow Vivio, are you always this violent in video games?" asked Einhart as her character was eaten by a grue. "SON OF A BIT-"

---------------------------------------------

You have slain the GODDESS and eaten her flesh, giving you dark powers beyond the ken of mere mortals and bringing a new age of darkness and despair to humanity.

Vivio stared. "...I just wanted to pet a puppy"

Einhart leaned over to look at Vivio's screen.
"No seriously, that's pretty dark. How do you do that?"

"It's not me, it's the damn game!" Vivio closed the MUD program. "Stupid thing, why does it think I'm evil?"

Einhart looked outside the window and avoided all eye contact with Vivio.
"Why indeed..."

You have been eaten by a GRUE

Einhart's eye twitched. "SON OF A BIT-"

Cardboard box is here!

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Posts: 1261

Non-boxes.

I have grave news.

I've used up all of my GOOD ideas in my plot book. Yes, there are some story ideas that even I think are bad.

What does this mean? It means that I'm going to have to make random stuff up off the top of my head.

This may or may not affect the quality of your crack. It will probably affect the quantity of it though. Maybe. Maaaaaaaybe....

...You know, while I'm NOT writing crack I might as well advertise Nendoroid Generation again. I made a thread on it here, so STFU and go look at it. Seriously, the game is gold.

Anyway, here's the next hit of crack! Please enjoy!

Spoiler:

"La la la~" Nanoha hummed merrily to herself as she walked down the hallways of... I have no idea what that building is called. You know, where they all work in StrikerS. Is it Section 9? Or is that name of the unit Nanoha is?

...No wait, isn't that 'Stars' or something? Hang on, what if-...

...
...

Okay, what was I talking about? Screw it, let's have a do-over.

------------------------------------

"La la la~" Nanoha hummed merrily to herself as she walked down the hall.

"Why good day, ma'am" said Yuno with a ridiculous fancy British accent. "How are you this fine day?"

"Oh, I'm absolutely splendid, how about yourself?" replied Nanoha with an equally fake accent.

Yuno put on a top hat and adjusted a monocle over one of his eyes.
"I see, jolly good! I'm terrific myself, I am just returning from an archeological dig that unearthed a particularly FASCINATING lost logia!" Yuno is really putting the accent on heavily here.

"Oh, I say! I imagine that such a lost logia would be capable of causing quite the stir, what with various shenanigans occurring and what not." Nanoha's accent also seemed to get thicker. Maybe she's really competitive over this sort of thing?

"Indeed, quite so. I do imagine that there would be hi-jinks and shenanigans should this lost logia be used improperly" Juno responded while gesturing to the lost logia he was holding under his arm. It looked like a giant lollipop.

Nanoha and Juno stared at each other.

"..."

"..."

"Well then, I best be going and have this lost logia secured before something wacky and questionably humorous happens. Farewell, Nanoha!"

"Yes, farewell Yuno!"

And with that, Yuno walked away.

---------------------------------------------

"La la la~" Nanoha hummed merrily to herself as she walked down the hall.

"Afternoon, love!" greeted Shamal with... I dunno, another kind of British accent. Is this cockney or something? Hell, I'm probably mixing a bunch together and making up my own accent so just roll with it.

"Greetings, and how are you this fine day?" said Nanoha, her super posh accent still intact.

"Aw, I'm a'right. I just finished developin' this here new medicine though!" Shamal proudly showed Nanoha a small bottle filled with pills.

"Oh, how wonderful. I suspect that such medicine will no doubt cause hi-jinks and shenanigans should they be used wrongly."

"Ain't that the truth? I reckon this'll get somebody's knickers in a twist, right enough!"

Nanoha and Shamal paused and stared at each other.

"..."

"..."

"Right then! I best me off and perform proper medical test on me pills! No need to cause a right royal panic, ay?"

"Jolly good, Shamal. Carry on."

And with that, the two parted ways.

-------------------------------------------

Some time later....

Nanoha received a call from Hayate on those cool holograph screen things.

"OH MY GOD NANOHA! Yuno's lost logia and Shamal's medicine have combined and now events of dubious hilarity are wrecking havoc all over Mid-Childa! DO SOMETHING!"

Nanoha rubbed her temples and sighed.
"Ahhhh, son of a BITCH!"

Cardboard box is here!

Natus's picture
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Posts: 1261

Mein got, this thread has over 2600 views!

...I'd like to think that this means 2600 people have taken a look at my crack but it's more likely that spider-bots or something automated like that have been rummaging around instead, huh? ^^;;

In any case, thanks for all of your support everyone! (Even if you ARE all just bots)

With that out of the way, it's time to move onto the main event! This time, I'll be giving you five super short crack fics to enjoy!

Spoiler:

"I'M PREGNANT AND YOU'RE THE FATHER!" screamed Hayate.

Chrono sighed and frowned at her.
"I know today is April Fools Day, Hayate"

"Damn..." Hayate quietly kicked up dust in disappointment.

--------------------------------------------------

Yuno stared out the window thoughtfully while Arf watched him.
"Something wrong?" she asked.

"I was just wondering if it's still technically loli when you fantasize about Vivio when she transforms"

Arf kicked him out the window.

------------------------------------------------

"Zafira, is there a reason you usually stay in your beast form?" asked Shamal.

Zafira looked away.

"...No reason" he said.

Shamal decided to drop the subject and walked away.

Zafira grinned to himself. It's real easy to see panty shots when you're so close to the ground, after all~

----------------------------------------------

Precia watched the psychedelic, colorful swirls of Imaginary Space as they floated by.

"That one looks like a fish..." she mused to herself.

Today was just another ordinary day.

--------------------------------------------

"Hey Nanoha, you ever wonder how Arisa and Suzuka are doing?" asked Fate.

"...Who?" replied Nanoha.

"Never mind..."

And that's the end of that! Please join me next time when I... well, I don't know actually. It's not like I plan this stuff! But be sure to check in every now and again, I'm sure to update again soon~ Feel free to leave comments and stuff as well, bye!

Cardboard box is here!

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Posts: 64

The third one makes everything make sense! How could I have not realized this before?

Natus's picture
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Posts: 1261

Elementary my dear Watso-...Hanyuu!

It's because Zafira usually kills people who figure out his secret and GAAAAH!

...
...
...

Cardboard box is here!

Hanyuu's picture
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Posts: 64

I'm next, aren't...

*Hears paws behind her*

GAAAAAblrgg...

Natus's picture
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Posts: 1261

Hooray, a comment! Eh heh heh, seeing someone respond to my ridiculous works makes me all happy~

(Now I just tick this off in Operation Encore checklist...)

Feedback motivates me to write more crack! A crack more crackier than all the other crack I've written!

Let's think, what's the crackeist thing I could possibly-

...Ah.

I'm going to write a crack fic that does what no mortal, box or non-box, has ever done before.

Non-boxes! Prepare yourselves! Let's see how far I can push this!

Here it is, a special 3 course meal for you non-boxes. Please enjoy!

Spoiler:

"The truth is, I've always loved you!" Fate confessed her feelings with the sort of atmosphere and general dramatic flair you'd expect in a shojou manga, complete with the infamous blooming flowers background.

"Absolutely disgusting" said Nanoha. I want you to imagine those flowers wilting.

"I know you don't feel the same way-" Fate began.

Nanoha spat on the ground.

"-but I've felt this way ever since we were children!"

"Drop dead and die, worm" There was so much venom in Nanoha's words that they actually came out as a thick, green miasma. At this stage, those flowers are rotten and all covered in fungus and flies.

"Please be with me, I can't live life without you!" pleaded Fate.

Nanoha's cold and severe glare would have frozen the devil with fear. And made him shit himself.

"I know it's selfish of me to suddenly thrust my feelings onto you like this...but won't you please give me an answer?" asked Fate.

There was a deep silence.

That silence was shattered with sound of Nanoha pulling out Raising Heart and transforming it into it's staff form.

Annnnd I'm going to leave it there.

Heh heh heh, I feel kinda evil today~ Don't you want to know what will happen next? Tune in next time to see what happens!

See ya~!

Cardboard box is here!

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Posts: 64

*Hears the combined rage of a thousand NanoFate Devotees*

Oh god.

*Realizes that she's between the Devotees and Natus*

Oh god.

*Finds no way of escaping the coming onslaught*

Oh god!

*Takes a drag on her last cigarette and steels herself for certain doom*

I'm ready nanodesu.

Natus's picture
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Posts: 1261

There is no shame in dying a GAR death! We few boxes that haven't ascended into Imaginary Space salute you!

But yes, I felt like doing what no other NanoFater has done before and write something that could possibly be construed as anti-NanoFate. Maybe if you squint right, it's pretty subtle.

Gah ha ha ha ha! Ichijou would be pleased, there isn't any boredom here!

Heh heh heh... Grand Finale is such a success and Encore is so unlikely to happen I might as well not keep records of it anymore~

Cardboard box is here!

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Posts: 1261

Part two of this magical journey into crack! Will this annoy people? Probably! Take THAT, non-boxes! Spin-off filler chapter that doesn't further the story, tally ho!

Spoiler:

"The truth is that I've always loved you!" confessed Fate.

Signum peered over the bushes, unimpressed.
"Why exactly are we here again...?" she asked to no-one in particular.

"Shush, we're getting to the good part!" Hayate motioned with her hands, telling Signum to keep her voice down.

"Absolutely disgusting" said Nanoha

"Oh, Nanoha looks really mad~" squealed Shamal, looking pleased for some reason. Signum exchanged a look with Vita. Vita shrugged and opened up a bag of popcorn.
"Anyone want some? Help yourself" Vita said as she shoved a handful in her mouth.

Signum took some popcorn for herself and munched on it while looking at Zafira. For some reason, he was lying down on the ground and looking up. Signum mentally shrugged, figuring that he was just bored.

"I know you don't feel the same way-" began Fate.

Hayate chuckled evilly to herself, clearly enjoying this. Shamal gave a slight fan-girlish squeal escape. Vita wasn't even paying attention anymore and focused solely on the popcorn. Who knows what Zafira was doing.

Signum looked over to Vivio, who was sitting on Hayate's lap.

Vivio clearly had no idea what was going on.
"Auntie Hayate, what's Fate-mama doing?" she asked.

Hayate gave Vivio her best "this-is-totally-an-innocent-smile-and-I-am-not-plotting-anything-at-all" face.
"She's just confessing her undying-! love and affection!" Hayate answered. There was a slight pause in her sentence as she had to stop and desperately try not to break out into mad laughter. The fact that half the page isn't filled with 'HA HA HA HA!' is a testament to Hayate's inner strength.

Vivio thought about this and hummed thoughtfully to herself.

Nanoha spat on the ground

"Did Nanoha-mama do something just now?" Vivio asked, craning her neck above the bushes to get a better look.

"Ah...don't worry about it" Hayate said.

"...Auntie Hayate, why are you smiling like that?"

Hayate clamped her hands around her mouth and tried to hide the giant 'Okay-yeah-no,-now-I'm-DEFINATELY-doing-something-and-holy-crap-is-it-going-to-be-wierd' grin on her face.
"...I don't know what you're talking about" Hayate blatantly lied, hoping against all hope Vivio would buy it. Vivio didn't fall for it of course, but she decided to let the subject go for now.

"Why does Nanoha-mama look so angry?" she asked instead.

Hayate gave a mental sigh of relief.
"You see Vivio, Nanoha is very upset at Fate's confession of love."

Vivio nodded and continued watching.

"-but I've felt this way ever since we were children!" finished Fate.

Shamal gasped dramatically.

Vita swore quietly to herself.
"Damn, I'm out of popcorn. I'm going to get more snacks, anyone else want something?"

"Hm? Oh, I'll have some of those little chocolate ball things if we have any left" Signum replied, having zoned out ages ago.

"Stripes~" Zafira drooled.

Vita and Signum stared at Zafira and then shrugged. Vita went off to fetch more snacks.

"Drop dead and die, worm" replied Nanoha.

Shamal shrieked excitedly, bouncing up and down in her seat while Hayate burst into a fit of uncontrollable laughter.

"Damn, did I miss the good part?" Vita asked, returning with some snacks and handing a box of chocolates to Signum.

"No, not really. Hayate and Shamal are just being... Hayate and Shamal" Signum said, opening the box and popping a piece of chocolate in her mouth.

Vivio, noticing Hayate and Shamal's reactions, laughed weakly and pretended she TOTALLY understood what was going on.

"Please be with me, I can't live life without you!" pleaded Fate

Shamal swooned and fainted in her seat. Hayate passed out from lack of oxygen, having laughed too much.

"...I don't get it, is this REALLY all that exciting?" Vita asked while downing one bag of (asbestos free!) popcorn and opening up another.

Signum shrugged and ate some more chocolate.

Vivio started slapping Hayate across the face repeatedly.
"OH MY GOD, AUNTIE HAYATE DIED!"

Signum and Vita both spat out their food, spraying it all over Zafira.
"What the hell, guys?" he roared, shaking the food off him.

Vita grabbed Vivio and pulled her off Hayate while Signum began shaking her master.
"Oh crap oh crap oh crap... Vita, what the hell do we do?!" Signum screamed

"You're asking me? How should I know?!" Vita screamed back. "I know, let's ask Shamal and- Oh my god, she's dead too!"

Nanoha's cold and severe glare...yadda yadda yadda

Shamal suddenly sat up with an excited gleam in her eye, bouncing around in her seat again like nothing happened.

Similarly, Hayate got up and rubbed her cheeks.
"God, it feels like I've been punched in the face..." she muttered. Vivio looked away nonchalantly.

Signum and Vita stared at each other.

"Holy shit bro, zombies" said Vita flatly.

"Yes, zombies" replied Signum. "We have to kill the zombies, that's what the real Hayate and Shamal would have wanted."

Vivio stared up at Hayate in child-like wonder.
"You're not dead?" she asked.

Hayate frowned.
"Why...Of course I'm not dead!" she answered firmly.

"Oh god, this confirms it. She's UNDEAD" Vita quietly pulled out Graf Eisen. Signum reached for Laevatein too.

"I know it's selfish of me to suddenly thrust my feelings onto you like this..." said Fate.

Shamal gasped and latched onto Vita, squeezing her tight due to the suspense.

"OH GOD THEY GOT FIRST MOVER ADVANTAGE! Signum, do something!" Vita screamed as she tried to wriggle free.

"Don't worry, I'll save-OH GOD, ZOMBIE!HAYATE GOT ME TOO!" Signum was indeed trapped in a similar fashion to Vita by Hayate.

Vivio looked at the two struggling knights.
"I wanna hug too!" she announced, grabbing onto Signum.

"Oh god, these bastards got Vivio as well!" swore Signum as she tried to break free.

"Those BASTARDS!" roared Vita.

"Oh! Oh! This is the good part, the grand finale!" grinned Hayate.

There was a deep silence

...
...
...

"Sorry I'm late guys!" said Yuno, waving to them. "Did I miss much?"

"YUNO! Why are you so late, you just got back in time for the end!" hissed Hayate.

"Ah, sorry! I got held up in the Library and-" Yuno began to explain but was cut off by Hayate.

"Just get down here!"

Yuno sat down with everyone and looked over the bushes.
"So what's going on?" he asked.

"Fate-mama is confessing her love and that made Nanoha-mama angry" said Vivio proudly, still pretending she understood everything.

Yuno nodded and smiled to himself.
"Ah, that sounds JUST like Nanoha" he said, "I'm not surprised that this is how things played out."

"Shush, here we go!" Shamal let go of Yuno to clamp her hand over Yuno's mouth.

"I'M FREE!" screamed Vita. She picked up her Graf Eisen and prepared to brain Shamal and Hayate.

Nanoha pulled out Raising Heart.

"Eh? What the hell are you doing pulling out your device you idiot! Put that back before you hurt somebod-" shouted Hayate, but it was too late.

And that's it for me! Witness the oh so stunning conclusion next time as I close the curtains on this saga!

See ya!

Cardboard box is here!

Natus's picture
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Joined: 04/26/2011
Posts: 1261

The last part of this tale of ... what's the opposite of NanoFate? Is there a word for it or am I a pioneer here or something?

ANYWAY, that last part has been postponed for the time being. Ha, take that non-boxes! Suffer at my boxy hands as I leave the not-NanoFate just sitting there unresolved! Bwa ha ha ha ha!

...But no seriously, I am appalled at the lack of GOD in everyone's lives! That's Gears of Destiny I'm talking about.

(Shakes fist at universe in general)

Damn, BOA is the more well-known of the two PSP games for some reason...

AND SO!

I'm here to drum up GOD support the only way I know how!
By writing crack fics about it of course~~

Spoiler:

"I want this to be ABSOLUTELY clear to everyone here!" Amitie stated firmly. "Kyrie and I are going to go out to buy groceries. We'll be back in 5 minutes and I do not, under ANY circumstances, want to come back home and find out that you've set the house on fire or something like that. Got it?"

She was answered to a general unenthusiastic chorus of "yeah" and "okay". Amitie frowned.
"I mean it! I swear, if I come back and-"

"Yes yes, I'm sure they get it Amita onee-chan~" said Kyrie, pulling her away. "Come on, the shops will close soon"

------------------------

Time until the Florian sisters return: 4:57
Disaster level: Low

-----------------------

"Hey guys, you wanna arm wrestle?" asked Levi casually.

-----------------------

Time until the Florian sisters return: 4:49
Disaster level: Medium-low

---------------------

Levi grinned as she locked hands with Stern, elbows on a coffee table.
"How did I wind up doing this?" Stern grumbled to herself.

"Okay, here we go! King, count us off!" Levi bounced around, excited.

"Tsk, you have some nerve to ask something from me...Well, this might be amusing so I'll let it go this time" replied Dearche. "Ready? Go!"

Thump.

Levi pinned Stern's hand almost instantly.

"Yay, I won!" crowed Levi happily.

"Oh. I lost. I guess I can go now." said Stern, getting up.

"...Hey wait a second! You let me win, didn't you!" Levi quickly stood up and pointed an accusatory finger at Stern.

"No, you won fair and square" Stern blatantly lied. Levi seemed to buy it and moved on.

"What the hell was that?! That wasn't fun to watch at all!" roared Dearche.

"If you want to be entertained so badly, perhaps you should challenge Levi?" Stern replied.

-----------------------

Time until the Florian sisters return: 3:58
Disaster level: Medium

---------------------

"Oh, that sounds fun! Come play with me!" begged Levi, pulling on Dearche's sleeve.

"Well, I suppose a king must show her benevolence every now and again" said Dearche. The two locked hands. "Stern, count us off!"

Stern sighed.
"Threetwoonego" she said as quick as she could, to get this over with.

The two of them didn't move.

"...I said go already" explained Stern.

Thump.

Levi pinned Dearche's hand immediately.

"Hooray, I won!" Levi cheered.

"What the- This is an outrage!" roared Dearche. "Damn you Stern, this is all YOUR fault!"

Stern raised an eyebrow at this.
"What a strange thing to say" she said.

"If you just counted properly, I wouldn't be taken by surprise! I want a rematch! I rematch I say!" demanded Dearche.

-----------------------

Time until the Florian sisters return: 3:23
Disaster level: High

---------------------

And so Levi and Dearche locked hands again.

"You better count properly this time..." glared Dearche.

Stern shrugged.
"3, 2, 1, go"

Dearche put up a futile resistance before losing to the Material of power.

"Whoohoo! I win again!"

"COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE!" screamed Dearche, trying to flip the table over. Unfortunately, having a body based on a crippled little girl is amazingly detrimental to your physical strength.
"Son of a... Levi, I order you to flip this table for me!"

Levi saluted and flipped the table over without even thinking about it. The table wasn't so much 'flipped' so much as 'thrown through the wall, smashing into the opposite room' however.

"Well that was smart of you Levi. I'm sure the Florians will be pleased" said Stern as she rubbed her temples.

"Eh heh heh, you think so?" said Levi, smiling. Stern just clapped her hand over her eyes.

"HOLY CRAP!"

-----------------------

Time until the Florian sisters return: 2:59
Disaster level: Very high

---------------------

Yuri burst into the room.
"Guys, a table just came out of the wall and tried to eat me!"

"Table, you BASTARD! Don't worry, we'll protect- no wait, hang on a second..." Levi started shaking her fist at the table but stopped, realizing what had happened.

"Just ignore the table, Yuri..." said Stern.

"...Why are you putting your hand over your face like that?" asked Yuri.

"..." was the response. Yuri decided to let it go.

"Soooo" Yuri said slowly. "What are you guys doing?"

"Good question" Stern muttered to herself.

"What's going on is whole buch of completely unacceptable!" Dearche fumed as she punched the wall-embedded table. A large chunk of it fell off, which Dearche proceeded to kick.

"Yuri! Yuri! Come play with me!" said Levi excitedly.

"Oh sure! What are we playing?"

"Shouldn't we try to clean this-" began Stern.

"We're arm wrestling!" explained Levi.

"-No, I guess we're just going to leave the room like this. That's cool, I'm just going to go the the other end of the house and pretend I wasn't even here" Stern finished before leaving.

Levi dragged the table chunk into the middle of the room.
"Okay, let's go! And stop kicking the table!"

"MAKE ME, PEASANT!"

-----------------------

Time until the Florian sisters return: 2:11
Disaster level: ⚠ ERROR CODE 1014: THERE IS ARE NO WORDS TO DESCRIBE HOW BAD THIS WILL GET ⚠

---------------------

Levi put her elbow on the table.
"Give me your best shot!" she challenged.

SLAM!

Yuri almost crushed the table under the weight of the gigantic clawed hand that was coming out of her Soul Wings.

"Oh, this will be interesting" Dearche said, surprised. She stopped kicking the table. "Levi, are you okay with this?"

"Hell yeah, bring it on!" The amount of guts that Levi had would of made Amitie proud.

"Right then, I'll count you two off. Three...two...one...Go!"

Crack.

Yuri pinned Levi's arm immediately.
"Oh, I won! Hooray!" Yuri said happily. She turned to Dearche. "Did you see that, I-...are you okay?"

Dearche's face was pale as she stared at the table, frozen into silence.

"Hm? What are you looking at?" Yuri asked as she looked at the table. "I don't see any-OH MY GOD I AM SO SORRY LEVI!" screamed Yuri.

Levi was bent over the table, clutching her arm. Her wrist was broken and the bone in her fore arm had stabbed through her skin, having been snapped like a twig.

All things considered, Levi is taking it remarkably well.

"I heard screaming, what happening THIS time?" sighed Stern as she walked back. "Don't tell me that-oh my god Levi's arm is broken"

"Stern, just in time! You're the embodiment of wisdom! Wisdom us!" demanded Dearche. Stern was so shocked by the sight of Levi's broken arm that she didn't even notice how ridiculous Dearche sounded.

"The easiest thing to do would be to kill Levi" Stern answered flatly.

-----------------------

Time until the Florian sisters return: 1:33
Disaster level: Bzzzzzt-CLANK 100101010101010110101110100100100101010100101

---------------------

"What the hell is WRONG with you?! screamed Dearche.

Stern's response was to pull out Luciferion and began charging it up.

"Don't worry Levi, I'll make this quick and painless..."

Levi used her uninjured hand and raised her middle finger to Stern.

"Stern, no! I'll protect you Levi!" screamed Yuri as she pushed Levi out of the way.

With her Soul Wings.

Levi smashed against the wall and crumpled down on the floor, dead.

Everyone stared at the body.

"Oh, that was easy" Stern said, putting Luciferion away.

"WHAT THE HELL YUR?!" screamed Dearche.

"o-o-Oh....I... Oh my god, I'm so sorry! I, I didn't mean to..." Yuri stared in shock at Levi.

"And you!" Dearche turned towards Stern. "Why the hell do you want Levi to die so much?"

"Because it's easier this way" Stern replied simply, not affected at Levi's death in the least.

"Why you...You bastard! How could you be so damn cold at a time like this!" Dearche grabbed Stern by the collar. "What do you have to say for yourself?!"

"No wait, please stop fighting!" Yuri pulled Stern away from Dearche.

With her Soul Wings.

Stern was snatched up and slammed against the ceiling before being accidentally flung against the far wall.

A pool of blood began to form where she landed.

Dearche and Yuri stared.

"Oh my god...I've killed Stern" Yuri said slowly.

"You...You monster!" Dearche took a step back, away from Yuri.

"n-No wait, please! It was an accident, I swear!"

"You bastard, you've killed everyone!

-----------------------

Time until the Florian sisters return: 0:46
Disaster level: D́̕͏͘u̸̴̵͝c̶̶̡͢͞ḱ̸̡̕͜ ͏̴́f̸̨a͞c̡̕e̷҉ ̧̡d̷̶̛͢ó̸̧̧͞u҉̵̡̡͝g͘͢͡h̸̸n̢͜͠͠u̢͏̷̶͢t҉̨͡҉ ̧̛́͘͝ś͜ṕ̷̨e̸͏̴̀h̶͡e͏̛ŕ̷̶̸̢é̕͘ ̶̡͟c̷̡̢͞a̸̢r̷̶̵̴d̢̛b̨͢͠ò̷̧́ą̸͘r͏̢͝͞d̛͝ ̸̷̶̢̢b̵̵o̸̢͘͟x̷̴́͠

---------------------

"Get away from me, murderer!" Dearche backed away from Yuri.

"Please, it was just accident! Don't run away from me!" begged Yuri.

Dearche broke into a run and ran off. Yuri tried to catch her.

Crunch.

Yuri stopped and stared at the blood that slowly oozed out from between the hands of her Soul Wings.

---------------------

Time until Florian sisters return: 0:00
Disaster level: Shit has hit the fan.

---------------------

The front door burst open and the two sisters strolled into the room.
"Hey guys, we're back!" said Amitie. "You better not have-"

She stopped dead.

"Hm, did they do something Onee-chan? Let's take a look and see what they did this-" Kyrie stopped too.

Yuri was kneeling in a pool of blood on the floor, cradling all three bodies.

There was silence.

"Yuri...what the fuck happened?" Amitie said at last. Yuri didn't answer.

"Well fuck this shit, I'm out of here." Kyrie dropped the grocery bags on the floor and turned around.

"What the hell, Kyrie?! You can't just leave!" said Amitie.

"Amita onee-chan, that is some serious Higurashi bullshit right there. I'm out of here." And with that, Kyrie left.

Amitie stood around awkwardly.
"Sooo... seriously, what the freaking hell Yuri? We've literally been gone for 5 minutes and you've killed everyone. What the hell, girl?"

And I'll leave it at that! What happens next? Well, that's a surprise for next time! After this, I'll be sure to finish up that anti-NanoFate thing as well~

See ya!

Cardboard box is here!

Natus's picture
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Posts: 1261

...Okay, now I KNOW that there's no way I can legitimately generate the amount of views I have on this thread. 2800 in such a short amount of time is...interesting.

No really, I'm getting so many hits, I'm currently the 9th result on Google when I try to Google MGLN crack fics. That's... is that good or bad?

Okay! I'm going to do my best to jump up a couple of places! I want to be at least within the top 5!

I mean, wow. "Delicious! (A meaningless collection of crack stories)" is almost as popular as my other thread "Nendoroid Generation - The most cutest PSP game EVER" which as of date is now the top result in Google.

I'm going to take this opportunity to try and put Nendoroid Generation in the spot-light again. Just STFU and look at this video if you're unfamiliar with it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aStEvB0Xbc8

Well, it doesn't matter. I have fun churning these things out and I'm glad that these stories have garnered even the tiniest bit of attention~!

I've got a bunch of university stuff to deal with (assignments and exams, all at once? You bastards!) so that'll slow me down a bit. But don't worry, I'll be sure to update soon enough!

Well, thanks for all the support everyone! Even if like, 90% of it ended up being imaginary I'm still happy! Super big boxy sign of appreciation for those who commented before, you've made my day and I'll be sure not to break your necks/kidnap you/enslave you/key your car and toilet paper your house to keep you all in mind! Thanks a bunch~!

Is there a crack fic at the end of this? Nope, not at all. Sorry about that ^^;;

Well, that's me for now! Adios and danke!

Cardboard box is here!

A.
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Posts: 4117

Congratulations Natus!
The images we post from Pixiv or DeviantArt usually end up getting more views here than in their original sites, so it's not hard to imagine that fics will receive high traffic too. I hope this doesn't mean you will write more anti-NanoFate though.

Natus's picture
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Posts: 1261

It's been a long time, huh? Here to finish off both stories in one go, this box is here to... you know, write crack fics.

First off, let's see how things are doing on Eltria!

Spoiler:

Amitie stared at the unmoving Yuri.

Moments pass.

"Well!" said Amitie suddenly, breaking the silence. "I'm going to go and find Kyrie. You... you just stay here and don't move. At all."

Amitie found Kyrie quickly, since she was hiding in a bush right next to the house.
"...Kyrie, what are you doing?"

Kyrie slowly stood up and casually looked away, as if she didn't look like a complete idiot for hiding in a bush while being so goddamn pink.

"Noooooothing" Kyrie said slowly. Amitie frowned.

"Come on, we need to go and... do something" Amitie said.

"Like what? That little girl just killed three people! What the hell do you expect us to do?!" Kyrie pointed a finger at the house as she spoke.

Amitie couldn't think of a response.

"Exactly Onee-chan, we should just run away and blargle blargle blargle"

"Um, what?" Amitie shook Kyrie, who started foaming at the mouth. "What the hell happened to you? What is -... There's something behind me, isn't there?"

"Blargle blargle blargle"

Amitie sighed and turned around.

"Sup" said Levi.

Amitie stared.

"...Is Kyrie okay?" asked Levi as she leaned closer to pinkie in curiosity.

"Blargle bla-...no, I'm fine Levi. Just ignore it" Kyrie recovered quickly. "Is there a reason you're not..." she trailed off.

Levi stared at her.

Kyrie stared back.

"She wants to know why you're not dead" Amitie said flatly.

"Oh. Ohhh~~ ...OHHHH!" Levi did that thing where you kinda pound your fist into your palm when you realize something. "We Materials respawn, remember?"

And so, the Materials all respawned and it was like nothing ever happened.

"Higurashi as fuck" muttered Kyrie.

And that's the end of that. Now then, the oh-so stunning conclusion to the anti-NanoFate story! What will happen?

...The obvious, probably.

Spoiler:

Chrono sighed. He wondered how he always seemed to get into these situations while looking at Fate.

"The truth is that I've always loved you!" confessed Fate.

Chrono shifted his attention over to Hayate and her knights sitting behind some crappy bushes. Hayate seemed to have dragged Vivio along for some reason as well.

"Absolutely disgusting" said Nanoha

'Holy shit on a brick I'm screwed' thought Chrono. He snapped his neck around and saw Nanoha glaring daggers at him from behind, hidden in the wings.

...Well, not so much daggers so much as swords. And not so much swords so much as giant, pointy steel pillars 50 feet high. And not so much giant pillars so much as-...

Look, let's just say that Nanoha was giving Chrono the deathiest of all death glares ever death glared. She could probably kill the Grim Reaper with a casual glance.

I know you don't feel the same way-" began Fate.

Chrono turned back to Fate.
'This is going to be a problem' he said to himself. Hayate was practically beaming with evil, mischievous delight as she watched Chrono suffer under Nanoha's gaze.


Nanoha spat on the ground

'It's official. Somehow, I pissed Hayate off and now she's trying to murder me and make it look like she wasn't involved at all. Bitch!' Chrono began to sweat, this was going to be a lot harder than he thought.

"-but I've felt this way ever since we were children!" finished Fate.

Chrono mentally groaned. Fate was clearly oblivious to what effect her words were having on Nanoha, who was hissing evil things at him that somehow Fate didn't hear.

"Drop dead and die, worm" replied Nanoha
.

'Annnnnnnd Nanoha is pissed. She is really pissed. Crap. How can Fate not hear that?!' Chrono looked back at Hayate, who was absolutely screaming with laughter. 'Okay Chrono, you can do this. You've gotten out of WAY worse situations before. Remember last Tuesday when you called Amy fat?'

"Please be with me, I can't live life without you!" pleaded Fate

Chrono stared as a commotion occurred behind the cardboard bushes. He mentally shrugged and concentrated on the task at hand.

Nanoha's cold and severe glare...yadda yadda yadda

Whatever was happening behind the bushes, it seemed to have gotten out of control. Chrono tried to ignore the screaming about zombies, he didn't want to lose focus on Nanoha who would no doubt try to Starlight Breaker him soon.

"I know it's selfish of me to suddenly thrust my feelings onto you like this..." said Fate.

Chrono frowned as the screaming got louder.

There was a deep silence

Chrono tensed and prepared himself. He thought hard to stop a smirk from preparing on his face as he put his hands in his pocket slowly, casually.

Nanoha pulled out Raising Heart.

"Eh? What the hell are you doing pulling out your device you idiot! Put that back before you hurt somebod-" shouted Hayate, but it was too late.

Chrono snapped his fingers, activating the delayed binds he set up earlier.

Nanoha gave a monstrous roar as her killing spree was per-empted.
Fate, startled, fell over and wriggled about on the floor.
Hayate tried to cheer and scream obscenities at Chrono at the same time. "Mother fucgood jober!"

Everyone else in the audience fell victim to the delayed binds while Chrono cackled manically.

"Why the hell does Chrono have FOUR bind attacks in GOD?!" demanded Yuno as he hopped around in indignation.

"You thought you could outsmart me, did't you Hayate?" sneered Chrono. "It's too bad for you that I foresaw this crappy plan of yours from the very beginning! Bwa ha ha ha ha!"

Hayate made a tsk sound and muttered to herself.

"Um, can someone tell me what's happening?" asked Fate as she struggled against the bind. "And could you maybe loosen these up a little?"

"It's all very simple Fate." Chrono pointed a finger towards Hayate dramatically. "Everything that happened was supposed to go according to Hayate's master plan!"

"I dunno what you're talking about" Hayate said flatly, looking away and avoiding eye contact.

"You see everyone..." began Chrono. "We are all here to watch this play that Hayate wrote, correct?"

There was general agreement amongst everyone in the room. Everyone except for...

"Wait, this is a play?" asked Nanoha as she rolled across the floor.

"Yes, it is. Hayate deliberately made a play where the lead female lead would be played by Fate and have her confess her love to the main male lead, me. This was all part of a devious plan to kill me once and for all! She invited Nanoha here but didn't tell her that this was all just a play so that when she saw Fate and me together here she'd try to kill me!"

Everyone in the room gasped.

"You mean, Hayate is an evil master mind AND a zombie?!" asked a shocked Vita.

"No, Hayate is not a zom-... sure, Hayate is an evil zombie and should be destroyed" said Chrono nonchalantly.

"Damn you Chrono, how did you figure it out?" Hayate demanded.

"It's all very simple..." said Chrono slowly. "I..."

"AM ZERO!"

...

And that's the end of it, no more story. Why is Chrono Zero? Who knows. Why does Hayate want to kill Chrono? Who knows.

But most importantly, of course I'm not going to REALLY write an anti-NanoFate story, don't be silly!

I'd die if I did. Everyone here would kill me.

And so these two stories finally reach their conclusion! Join me next time for some more marginally exciting crack fics!

Cardboard box is here!

Natus's picture
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Posts: 1261

I want to quit right now, but I'm much to proud to quit in the middle of a game just because I don't want to play anymore. This game of mine is getting so boring though, it's too easy.

Non-boxes, you're behaving exactly as I though you would and I am sincerely disappointed. Surely it can't be that hard?

Well, I have to keep the promises I made to everyone right? I'll play this little game with you a little longer but I don't think you'll win anytime soon.

...

Heh heh heh, although I must admit that the prize is not all that appealing is it? Are you not playing because you want me to leave, non-boxes? That's unfaaaair~ You can't do that, it's against the rules~! You shouldn't have made them if you weren't going to follow them. You shouldn't even say you were playing if you were just lying about it!

Ah well, it doesn't matter right?

So then....

As agreed, I'll keep my activity on this site to a minimum. The only places I'll visit from now on are the threads that I've made: this one and the one about Nendoroid Generation.

It's your move, non-boxes. The clock is ticking.

I'll prepare on my end too.

Cardboard box is here!

Hanyuu's picture
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Posts: 64

Natus's picture
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Posts: 1261

This might be the craziest thing you will read all day.

Not that I'm expecting you to care. I know for a fact you people don't read these posts, otherwise you wouldn't be so damn confused all the time.

At any rate...

Spoiler:
Let's make this game interesting! As long as I can have fun, I'm willing to accept any consequence! Won't you play this game with me, non-boxes?

...Heh.

GAH HA HA HA HA HA! Like I'd ever even give you the choice to refuse! We all had an agreement didn't we? I'm expecting all of you to uphold your end of the bargain!

Well now, aren't we having fun? Betting a wager on a game makes it more interesting doesn't it? I'm betting my entire existence on this site here, so play my little game! Any day now I could die here, it's so exciting!

Every action that happens, every word that is said... no, even the actions not taken and the words that are silenced are all valid moves! Everyone here is a player whether you like it or not, whether you even know what is happening or not, whether you agreed to play or not!

Non-boxes, I really don't give a damn about your excuses. You are playing, even when you think you are not.

Who will win? Who knows? I have a feeling that my death sentence is near though~~

Isn't this exciting? I know it is for me, I can feel my victory so close at hand!

Remember little non-boxes, if I win then I leave for good.

I'm sure everyone is happy, right? We all get a prize, no matter what happens! You want to be rid of me, right? You want me to go don't you? That's why we're all having a great time! Gah ha ha ha ha ha!

If I win, I leave. If you win, I stay.

And I've never thrown a game in my life. Even if it means I have to leave, my pride won't let me sit back and let you win or even just call the whole thing off!

Ah, so exciting! So exciting! As long as my boredom is sated, I don't care what happens!

Non-boxes, I'm standing here on a pile of meaningless crack fiction while ranting about something that none of you will pay attention to.

And it is the most fun I've ever had on this site. Isn't that sad? I've tried my best, I really have. It's too bad that soon this will all end the same way as with everyone else.

This is the game I decided to play, I'll have fun burning my world to the ground~~!

Are you having fun?
Because I'm having fun
Isn't this fun?
It's fun!
It's fun!
It's so fun!
It's fun, isn't it?
We're all having fun!
This game is fun!
We're going to have so much fun!
How fun is this?
It's very fun!
I'm having fun, what about you?
Are you having fun?
I want to have fun
Don't you want to have fun
We need to have fun
Lets have some fun
enjoy some fun times with me
its time for fun
fun time
we need to kick back and have fun
fun fun fun fun fun fun fun














































Aren't we all having fun?

They say there is pleasure in madness that only madmen know. I think they're right. This right here, right now? The most exciting thing I've seen on this site.

And that's the crux of the matter, really.

I'm bored. I'm very bored. I came here hoping for something, anything to fill my stomach and yet I am only sated. I'm like a man living on bread and water, I'm only living on the bare essentials!

The game is really simple. I've explained it in detail already but no one ever pays attention so listen up. This is the final time I'm going to explain everything.

The aim of the game is this: entertain me.

If I become too bored, then I win. My predicted this a long time ago, I bet none of you noticed the period of time when I was offline for weeks, right? We both know why we are here, it's to entertain each other.

And now I want my share.

I'm really quite bored. All you have to do is cure me of my boredom. If I have enough fun, I'll stay.

But that's unlikely. I doubt there is anything you can do to keep me interested in staying anymore.

This game is my final attempt at stirring up some action, to get some excitement into the air.

I am so, so, so bored.

And I'm sure you are bored too.

I'm sure that since both of us are bored, no one will care if I slip away or not. You won't even notice, I'll just come less and less and less until I'm not even here.

You won't remember me.

And I won't remember you.

I'll find some place else to amuse me until I get bored of that.

And I'll burn everything I've done there to the ground and move on to the next place.

And the next place.

And the next place.

And the next place.

You know, I've been here over a year now. This is the longest I've ever stayed with a site.

Most of the time I'm not even active. I just make an account and watch all the members live their virtual lives, bored out of my skull. They weren't particularly interesting so I don't interact with them. This is the most active I've ever been in my entire life!

Well, that's it. I just want to be entertained. I'm not asking for friends, hate me if you want. I'll enjoy fighting those who despise me (and it is so much more closer to the method of play I'm used to)

I'm bored. Make me not bored. Sounds simple but it will be very hard. Why?

Because you're bored too. And you don't want to hear me bitch about how bored I am. I have issued this challenge, who will rise to it? I'm expecting no one. Or rather, I'm expecting jeers from the crowd and to be booed down.

But I don't care, because no matter how it happens fun is fun.

I'm bored. I find this entire site boring. It was fun when I got here but the novelty has worn off. I'm expecting all kinds of punishments and I'm also expecting nothing to happen. I'm expecting great, impassioned speeches as well as expecting a simple "lol"

I'm not needed here anymore, am I?

And when if I win this game, I won't need you anymore too.

And no can stop me.

Or rather, no one will even try.

Gah ha ha ha ha ha! I'm just talking to myself now aren't I? No one is listening right? I'm the only one here! This is all just verbal masturbation, me talking and talking to satisfy myself.

And what does that mean, when I'm so bored that I can't be bothered talking to anyone else here? Well, it's a two-way street right? I've been like this for a while so the natural conclusion is a massive wall of text, me talking to me.

And this will never end, will it? I'll never be rid of my boredom. I'll wander the cyber wastelands forever, looking for that one place where I can escape my boredom. I'll never find it but I'll keep looking for as long as I can.

I'll be surprised if any of you can change my mind. Damn, I'll be surprised if you even try! It's not like you care, it's not like you're listening, it's not like you're even here!

This is how it ends, huh? An endless white void and me, always talking to myself to try and fill it up. But no matter what I do, that white void is always a little bigger than what I can type. It expands to keep pace with myself and I will never overtake it. I'm practically self RP-ing again! It's the same as ever, I'm alone and I paint the room with words until people come back and play their own little games.

Why am I here then? Surely I can do this by myself?

Of course I can.

But it's not as fun, you see.

Why type all of this, when I know none of you will read it, care about it, understand it?

Because it's more fun this way.

I'm bored. I'm so bored. SO bored that I've pulled a gun to my head and pulled the trigger just to pass the time. It's virtual Russian Roulette and I'm willing to kill my existence here just for fun. Entertain me non-boxes. I want to have fun.

None of you will provide the level of amusement I'm looking for though. Not because you don't have the ability but because you don't care enough to try.

...

...

...

Well now, what will happen next? I've moved my pieces and made my move. It's your turn, non-boxes. How will you respond?

Cardboard box is here!

LOLIKNOW's picture
Offline
Joined: 12/26/2011
Posts: 276

Or you can join the HS RP like you said you were going to >_>

Philosophical juggernaut, disabled Bruce Lee