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Delicious! (A collection of meaningless crack stories)

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Natus's picture
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I've tracked the activity levels of the chat over a 12 hour period and the HS channel was dead for 9 of those hours. In other words, 3/4 of the time I was there, nothing was happening in HS.

I really don't see a point in joining that RP anymore. It could be potentially be fun but since it moves at a snail's pace I don't really see the point. I doubt that there's even a RP going on, since most of what I saw there was obiter. It makes me question how much fun others are having too, actually.

Cardboard box is here!

LOLIKNOW's picture
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Big Brother doesn't see everything.

It's casual in nature, and it picks up when we decide to RP. Of course it's going to be dead when none of the players are actually around to RP (or care to do so). I tend to have a lot of fun when we do decide to do it though. COME FILL ONE OF THE ROLES BRO:

AD Carry: Ozone, Ace
Support: Lymia, Mane, Bard
Top Lane Solo: Me
Jungler: Juno
AP Carry: Skye

Also, Baylife.

Philosophical juggernaut, disabled Bruce Lee

Natus's picture
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Your argument does little to sway me. In fact, it reinforces my convictions. I don't see the point of joining an RP that I am unable to play. Shall I stay online for 9 hours for the privilege of MAYBE seeing someone stop being AFK long enough to say that they're going to sleep now?

That doesn't sound fun at all.

In fact, there are far to many logistical problems to even consider playing. That's not even one of the main issues since I'm more worried about the human state in such a setting and the consequences it will have.

This argument extends to the chat in general, really. If I'm going to waste time by myself, I see no reason to do so with a half-hearted self-RP when I could be doing something more enjoyable instead. I'm tired of waiting, so I'll be leaving ahead of you instead.

And what's this, more LoL? Tsk, of course you'd bring that up huh? I doubt that I would find that fun as well since it's so DoTA like.

...Hm?

I wonder why you're trying to convince me, anyway? I'm running this game of mine because I've been backed into a corner and I have little options left. What stake do you have in it?

No, I suppose I can guess well enough. I imagine that you are doing this for the same reason I am, for entertainment. You're not interested in playing with me at all, are you? That would certainly explain the high amounts of farce that you have been addressing me with for a while.

Well, I did say that all actions would be legitimate moves so I guess it's fine. I don't trust you and I think you're making fun of me but it's fine because at least typing this relieved my boredom, if only for a little bit.

Any other challengers, non-boxes? Who will be next, pretending that they care? I know you don't, I certainly wouldn't. But that's how the world works, isn't it?

Come on, flesh bags. I want to see how many other archetypes I can collect. I have a harlequin who dances and jeers, who is next? I know I will collect someone who hates me soon enough, it's inevitable. Who else will come, the self-righteous perhaps? Or will the simple fool come first, eager for his five seconds of fame? Perhaps if I'm lucky a pretentious martyr will come. I will be much entertained if such a thing were to happen, I could laugh at such a simpleton all day!

This could be interesting! Let's see what happens next, let's see what happens next~

Cardboard box is here!

LOLIKNOW's picture
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Hmm, tryna play Sword Girls?

Philosophical juggernaut, disabled Bruce Lee

Natus's picture
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You telling me to play Sword Girls instead of staying here?

That's certainly an attractive option, I'll consider it~!

Cardboard box is here!

LOLIKNOW's picture
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What faction do you play as? =o

Philosophical juggernaut, disabled Bruce Lee

Natus's picture
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I play with the baby panda, ruler of all vampires.

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LOLIKNOW's picture
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Baby Panda does look pretty bad ass with the flames and shit behind him. I too chose Darklore because I was under the impression that I would be slinging spells at people for over 9000 damage. However, I was led astray =[

Philosophical juggernaut, disabled Bruce Lee

Natus's picture
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Ah, not that baby panda. I'm talking about Child Panica, who gives you +3 STA every turn as well as +1 ATK every odd numbered turn.

I play Darklore a lot, but I mix it up sometimes by playing as Crux too~

Cardboard box is here!

LOLIKNOW's picture
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Oh damn, she's good. The child cards all seem pretty good; I think I'm leaning towards Gart and Laevateinn. Gart's just a constant +2/+1 to any of my followers, and Lae has that turtling power.

Philosophical juggernaut, disabled Bruce Lee

Nyamo's picture
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It seems to me that you are bored, little box.
Just try to open yourself and fill it with unicorns and rainbows, and see what happens.

Hanyuu's picture
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Natus is dead. It's barefoot in this picture. This symbolizes death. Nanodesu.

Natus est mort. «OPD» sur le macaron de tissu noir qu'il porte est «Officially Pronounced Dead». Cela symbolise la mort. Nanodesu,

ナタスは死んだ。この写真で、あいつの背中が向けているの。 死亡をかたどるのだ。 なのです。

拿沓笥死了。它有一个黑色康乃馨。这象征死亡。啊呜~

Spoiler:
I hope I didn't screw those up.

Spoiler:
I also hope someone finds my translitteration of Natus' name into Chinese amusing.

Natus's picture
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Did you... are you calling me something behind my back?

TO GOOGLE TRANSLATE!

Natasu? That doesn't sound too bad...

...But then again, in China "self defense" sounds like "m-bleep-n" so who knows what natasu means!

...
...
...

I'm watchin' you...

Cardboard box is here!

Hanyuu's picture
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Nátàsì. 拿沓笥 The Chinese bit. Try harder nanodesu.
Natus's picture
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To Google!

...What the? You know that if you Google 拿沓笥, this page is the first link?

Okay, now to Google Translate and-

...

Take Da trunk? I don't... What does it mean? Double rainbows?

Cardboard box is here!

Hanyuu's picture
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Le sigh nanodesu.

拿 to take; to seize
沓 again and again; many
笥 bamboo box

Taken all together, it means 'Irrational Sundogs'. Obviously.

Natus's picture
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I guess "take da trunk" is kinda similar? I mean, the take bit seems fine and trunks are a type of box (more or less) but the middle bit is completely off. 2 out of 3 isn't so bad, right? ^^;;

Irrational sun dogs? Seems legit, I'll accept that!

Cardboard box is here!

Natus's picture
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Crack-fic time, this'll cheer me up from my boredom~

Spoiler:
Einhart and Vivio walk into a bar.

They say "ouch" and- Nah, I'm just kidding.

Einhart and Vivio walk into a liquor store and walk up to the counter. The woman at the till was reading a magazine with her feet up on the counter.

"Excuse me, I'd like to buy a bear please" said Vivio.

"It's pronounced 'beer'..." whispered Einhart. Vivio ignored her.

The lady put down her magazine.
"Sure, that'll be-... Um, aren't you a little young to be buying alcohol, little lady?" she asked quizzically while looking around the store. "Is your dad in here somewhere?"

"I don't have a dad" Vivio replied simply.

"Oh...Oh my god, I'm so sorry!" The check-out lady quickly bowed her head in apology. Vivio didn't get it.

"Um...Can I get a bear now or what?" Vivio asked.

"Sorry kid, you gotta be over 18 to buy alcohol" the lady replied.

"Come on Vivio, this isn't going to work. Let's just go and-" began Einhart, pulling on Vivio's sleeve.

"No wait, I got this!" Vivio pulled herself free from Einhart and cleared her throat. "Moon prism power, make up!"

"That's the wrong show!" said Einhart. Vivio ignored her and transformed into her older form.

"Can I buy liquor now lady?" Vivio asked.

The shop-lady blinked.
"Uh...Are you over 18 now?"

Vivio thought about this.
"Maaaaaaaaaaybe?" she said slowly, unsure.

"Sorry kid, you need an ID if you look under 25"

"OH COME ON!" roared Vivo.

Einhart sighed and rubbed her temples.

"Fine then, I'll just change the transform spell a bit and make myself older... RELEASE!" Vivio held up the Clow Staff as she transformed again.

Einhart opened her mouth to comment but decided against it.
"If you're going to buy alcohol, give me some too" she said instead.

"Lady, can I get some damn bear NOW?" Vivio asked impatiently.

"It's pronou-"

"Shut it!"

The shop-lady stared for a bit.
"I... that's transformation magic right? You're still technically a little girl right?"

"I uh... I guess?"

"Then why should I sell you beer?"

"Because I look over 25 and I don't need ID anymore?"

The shop=lady thought about this.

"Seems legit, here you go"

"AW YEAH!" Vivio fist-pumped while Einhart clapped politely.

"Congrats on getting your booze Vivio, you're on your way to depravity already" Einhart said dryly.

"Aw, thanks Einhart!" The sarcasm shot right over Vivio's head and escaped into the stratosphere. "I feel like a grown up now! Oh! Do you think I can buy adult magazines now too?"

Cardboard box is here!

Natus's picture
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I feel like I'm on a roll with this! Okay, let's churn out some more crack!

Spoiler:
Yuno straightened up and pointed to the machine beside him.

"GENTLEMEN!" He announced. He looked around the room and rethought his introduction. "LADIES! ...and Chrono."

Chrono waved.

"Beside me is the most dangerous lost logia ever discovered! It is called..." Yuno paused to consult his cue cards. "The 'Super Ultra Mega Awesome Heart Heart Lovey Dovey Kyuu Kyuu Kawaii OMG So Cute Squee Lyrical Magical Special Giga 100% Machine'" he read out slowly.

Everyone stared.

Vita put up her hand.

"Ah, a question from the audience! What is it, Vita?" asked Yuno.

"What the f##k, dude?" Vita said flatly.

Yuno shrugged.
"Don't look at me, I didn't name the damn thing. The name of the machine is unimportant. What you all need to know is that this is quite frankly the greatest weapon of all time!"

Yuno pointed to the side, cueing Reinforce to play on a set of drums dramatically.

"This device..." explained Yuno, pausing for dramatic effect, "is powered by love!"

Vita put up her hand again.

"Denied" said Yuno flatly.

"I haven't even said anything yet!" Vita responded. "This is an outrage!"

"No, this is SPARTA!" roared Yuno. Everyone stared at him. Yuno coughed nervously. "Sorry, I might have had a little too much coffee this morning..."

----------------------
At that exact moment...
----------------------

Subaru and Teana walk into the kitchen.

They say ouch and-okay, I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore.

So they walk into a bar and say ouch and-

...

Okay, REALLY this time.

Subaru and Teana walk into the kitchen.
"Hey Tea, you know where everyone is?" asked Subaru.

"In a meeting or something, you want some coffee?" replied Teana.

"Sure, thanks!"

Teana looked for some coffee beans.
"...That's odd. I can't seem to find any beans"

"Really? Did you check the emergency coffee bunker?" offered Subaru as she pushed a secret panel on the wall, causing the entire kitchen to transform into a massive coffee storing bunker that was way bigger than physically possible.

"What the... this place is empty too! There was enough coffee to last a small country 6 months! Who can even drink this much coffee?!" demanded Teana.

------------------------
And back with Yuno...
------------------------

"Wow, my hands can't stop shaking..." Yuno remarked to himself. "Anyway, we now have a giant weapon of mass destruction powered by love. ...Yep."

Hayate put her hand up.

"...Are you going to say 'what the f##k?'" asked Yuno warily.

"Nope." replied Hayate.

"Alright fine, what's your question?" Yuno said as he looked up at the ceiling.

"What the-"

"GODDAMN IT HAYATE!"

Hayate held her sides as she roared with laughter.

"Okay, okay... But no seriously Yuno, why show us this?" she asked.

Yuno snapped his fingers, causing the ceiling to explode.
"BOOM! Sound activated C4 charges! F##k yeah!" Yuno fist pumped.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" screamed Hayate.

"I needed a clear shot" replied Yuno.

"For what?!" demanded Hayate.

"That." Yuno pointed up at the sky as a giant asteroid descended onto Mid-Childa. "Also, there's a giant piece of space rock about to crush us all. Did I mention that? Because that's kinda important."

"Noooooooo s##t Sherlock" Hayate drawled sarcastically. "What the hell are we supposed to do?!"

"Not to worry, we'll use the power of love to save the day!" Yuno posed heroically.

Hayate sighed and rubbed her temples.
"Alright fine, do whatever. Just make sure we don't die in the end, a'ight?"

Yuno grinned.
"Ladies, it's time!" He called out.

Nanoha and Fate burst into the room in slow motion. Reinforce played a drum-roll to accompany their slow motioness...essess.

"Oh my god..." Hayate sighed as she buried her face in her hands.

"That's right! I'm going to blow up an asteroid... WITH THE POWER OF NANOFATE!" Yuno clapped his hands, causing fireworks to explode behind him.

"Yay fireworks!" Vita clapped as she bounced up and down.

"Ladies, please put on these ridiculous looking helmets. They'll channel the NanoFate into pure magical energy for the machine." Yuno handed them both matching helmets.

Nanoha frowned.
"These look a lot like the cardboard crowns you get at Burger King..." said Nanoha suspiciously. She and Fate put them on anyway.

Yuno pushed his glasses up his nose, causing an evil glint to shine off them.

----------------------
At that exact moment...
----------------------

"Oh! Oh! Shiny thing!" Subaru pounced on the sudden ray of light that appeared on the wall.

-----------------------
And back with Yuno...
------------------------

Yuno pushed a series of buttons on the machine and pulled a bunch of levers and switches. The machine began to hum as it charged up.

"It's working...It's working! Bwa ha ha ha ha!" Yuno gave his best 'mad scientist' laugh as he took another swig of coffee from his personal flask.

"...No really Yuno, you should lay off the coffee" Chrono snatched the flask away from him. "Confiscated."

Yuno used one hand to continue pushing buttons while using the other hand to give Chrono the finger.

"In a few seconds, we'll have enough power to blow up the asteroid and-... no wait, something's wrong!" Yuno glanced worriedly at several displays and monitors. "Oh my god..." he gasped. "The NanoFate... there's too much!"

"...What?" asked Hayate. "This entire plan doesn't even make any sens-"

"Oh dear god no! The machine can't handle this much love, it's too strong! It's going to over load!" Yuno threw his arms in the air and panicked. "Nanoha! Fate! Love each other less!"

Nanoha and Fate stared.

"...Okay, I'm sorry for saying something stupid." Yuno apologized. "But no seriously, we need to do something before the machine explodes and the asteroid hits-"

---------------------------
...
...
...
---------------------------

"And that's my theory on how the Big Bang occurred"

"You're an idiot, Bob"

Cardboard box is here!

Hanyuu's picture
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How am I going to start a rebellion among the boxes leading to the deicide of Ichijou and the institution of a Working-Boxen's Paradise if you're going to leave?

Natus's picture
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At this point in time, you could say anything and end it with "and you'll have to leave Ichijou" and pretty much every single box would rally to your side.

All 20 of us.

What happened to the massive civilizations of boxes you ask?

Ichijou got bored. So bored, she destroyed 99.99% of all boxes in a massive explosion that created a portal to Imaginary Space, where she is currently living in right now.

This working-boxen paradise sounds interesting though, it peaks my interest!

...Point to you non-box, you've won this round but the battle isn't over yet! As interested as I am in your plans, I'm not sure if the whole thing will be...sustainable.

While I wait for your response, I'm going to watch Rena scream things to death.


Spoiler:

Is it bad I want to buy this game, just to do that? I hope not since I bought it and now I'm looking for a way to do it X3

Cardboard box is here!

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Of course the sustainability of the Working-Boxen Paradise is contingent upon the boxen overcoming the inherent contradictions of their existence. Also making sure that any Napoleon Boxen get thrown out before they get their elite Canine Bodyguards.

I'm not looking for the boxes to leave Ichijou. I intend for the boxes to... how should I say, permanently remove Ichijou from their lives.

Rena is the best Death Screamer.

Spoiler:
It's double-plus good.

Natus's picture
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Getting the most important thing over with first: Yes, Rena is the best and I wish that was an actual mod in the game. I really, really do.

I doubt the cardboard boxes have the strength to... "evict" Ichijou out of our lives. Not that we need to bother, she's so far away she might as well be..."evicted"

I completely forgot that the boxes were communist, thanks for reminding me XD. Socialism, tally-ho!

Oh, but fighting against Ichijou and her Festival sounds interesting though. I wonder how that would work out, cardboard boxes against the original cardboard box in a final battle to the-

HOW THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THIS?!

I...You... What? Are you using the internet, is that how you're so good at this?

I was so convinced that there was nothing interesting left on the site but you've landed serious blows onto my conviction. I honestly can't even tell if you're trying or not!

I've played this game before but I've always won by a landslide, I'm actually entertained right now!

Gah ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, I haven't lost in this game in my entire life! But I'm not going to give up yet, I still see some sustainability issues with the fun I'm having. I'm enjoying myself now, but how sustainable is it? Will I have fun tomorrow? Or the next day? I'm not going to throw this game just for 5 minutes of fun you know~!

These ideas of yours sound...interesting. Extremely interesting! But how will they play out? A fight between boxes and their masters? That sounds a lot like another self-RP doesn't it? And once I'm done...then what? More self RP, running about this so-called Paradise?

Like I said before, if my existence on this site amounts to be screaming text at an empty void then I'm not going to stay. I've done enough of that, thank you very much! >_>;; I don't want to talk to myself anymore, I got bored of that.

So tell me, what should I do? I feel like if I stay here, I'm only going to end up like a madman who scribbles all over the walls.

Which, with my self-RP's and crack-fics, is exactly what I'm doing already. I don't want to do that anymore, but what else is there? What else can I do that will pass as entertainment here?

Cardboard box is here!

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There would also be conflicts with the counter-revlutionary forces, like the Church of Hanyuu. Who knows? Maybe the CoH would resurrect Ichijou after her eventual... "retirement". Merely as a figurehead to manipulate the boxes' feelings, of course.

Though that's only two-player RP. We need to re-establish Silly RP Faction. Preferably with more UTC+12 people. Need moar Kiwis.

The walls are much prettier with your scribblings on them, though.The addition of color would improve your mad artistry.

Natus's picture
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I-...

...
...
...

That does sound nice, actually.

It might be good to get more fellow Kiwis on as well~. The more I can forcibly drag to Overload, the better! X3 (That's my local anime con). Or at least, it'd be nice to have people on at times that are compatible with mine >_>;;

I'll give it some serious thought, maybe I won't disappear after all...

...

Although I still don't think too much of the chat. I guess I just need to rethink my outlook to the chat. I suppose there is ONE thing I could do that would make the chat more bearable but I'm certain it would annoy some people.

Which is, in many ways, an added bonus XD

Well then! I'll reevaluate my position and decide whether if I'll stay or not, and if I'll join the chat or not (yes, I'm treating those two as different issues)

Oh ho ho, this could certainly be good... I'm certain if I do (extremely annoying thing that I;m keeping a secret) then I'd enjoy talking to myself as well. Colours won't have much effect for what I'm thinking of, but it might be interesting to test it out anyway~~

This calls for a celebratory crack fic! Gah ha ha ha, I'll write it up immediately! (unless I get pulled away or something)

Cardboard box is here!

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Crack fic time, tally-ho!

Spoiler:

Hayate looked at Nanoha and Fate from across her desk gravely.
"This is it ladies..." she said slowly, with purpose. "The situation has become even worse that I feared. We need to have a serious discussion about the AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

Nanoha and Fate jumped back as Hayate suddenly broke out into peals of laughter. Nanoha instinctively drew Raising Heart and started blasting holes into everything until Fate jumped out of her seat and tackled her to the ground.

"You, stop shooting things!" Fate ordered crossly. Nanoha pouted.

"But I like shooting things..." she grumbled to herself as she dutifully put Raising Heart away.

"And you, what the hell?" Fate turned her attention towards Hayate, who was still laughing. "I thought we were having a serious discussion about the lunatic who sets animal shelters on fire while rigging orphanages with petrol bombs!"

"I know, I know! It's just-" Hayate paused, trying to catch her breath. "it's just that all of a sudden, thinking of all of those burning puppies reminded me of something funny."

Nanoha and Fate stared.

"You're...kinda evil, you know that?" asked Nanoha, backing away slightly. Fate nodded vigorously.

"No wait, it's not that! It's just that thinking of all those innocent lives on fire because of a pyromaniac reminds me of that one time in high-school when you two went on your first date and-" Hayate's grin got wider and wider as she talked, reminiscing about the past.

"NOOO! SHUT UP!" screamed Nanoha as she clamped her hand over Hayate's mouth.

"How do you even know about that? HOW DID YOU FIND OUT?!" demanded Fate as she threw her hands in the air and panicked. She picked up her chair and smashed it against the wall.

Yuno popped his head into the room.
"I heard screaming and smashing, are we talking about Nanoha and Fate's first date?" he asked what can only be described as a silly smile on his face.

It was a very silly smile indeed.

Nanoha let go of Hayate and sprinted towards Yuno. Yuno panicked and immediately fled, screaming.

"AFTER HIM!" roared Nanoha. Fate saluted and sped after Yuno, catching him almost immediately.

"Good" said Nanoha, nodding with approval. "Now we need to make sure that these two don't say a word about- Where the f##k is Hayate?"

Nanoha and Fate quickly looked around the room but Hayate was no where to be found.

"Ding dong! This is your Hayate Yagami speaking~!" Her voice rang out cheerfully from the PA system all throughout the Section 9 complex.

Nanoha swore.

Fate put her head in her hands and groaned.

"I want to share with you a little story from when Nanoha and Fate were younger..."

-----------------------------------------------------

"So anyway, this one time back when those two were in high-school we were all in classroom after school had finished when..." Hayate began

----------------------------------------------------

'Okay Nanoha, you can do this! Just go over there and ask Fate out!' Nanoha thought to herself, trying to psych herself up.

Hayate looked over to Nanoha and then over to Fate. She held up a text book and pretended to read it, covering up the ridiculous smile on her face.

"Fate!" Nanoha said loudly. 'Oh crap, I didn't mean to be that loud!'

Fate jumped slightly, surprised at suddenly being called.
"Yes? What is it?"

"I, uh...You and me..." Nanoha trailed off nervously.

Fate waited for Nanoha to continue.

"t-That is, um...If you're not doing anything later, you know..." Nanoha started losing her cool while Hayate bashed her head into the table, desperately trying not to laugh.

Fate looked confusedly at Nanoha (who kept on stammering) and Hayate (who was making these weird noises that sounded like steam escaping from a kettle)

"d-d-d-DATE!" Nanoha screamed.

Fate jumped back in surprise.

Hayate howled with laughter.

"Um... It's the 15th today, I think" said Fate.

Nanoha facepalmed while Hayate nearly exploded from laughing.

"s-Shut up Hayate!" Nanoha, thoroughly embarrassed, tried to shoo Hayate away.

"Alright, alright! I'm leaving!" Hayate packed her bag and got up, still giggling madly. As she was about to leave she suddenly got an evil idea in her mind. "Fate, come here for a sec?"

Fate walked over to Hayate.
"Yes? What did you EH?!"

Hayate suddenly grabbed Fate in a tight hug.
"Hey Nanoha! Nanoha! Are you watching, can you see what I'm doing?" Hayate grinned evilly.

Nanoha's eye twitched, consumed by jealously and rage.
"What...do you think you're doing?" she said slowly, trying to hold back her anger.

"Mine" Hayate stated as she squeezed Fate.

Nanoha crossed the room in seconds and decked Hayate in the face.

"WORTH IT!" screamed Hayate as she fell to the ground, holding her bleeding nose.

-------------------------------------------------

"I'm not exactly sure what happened after that since I passed out but it seems that Nanoha eventually asked Fate out, since they were going on a date the following weekend..."

Nanoha gave a guttural roar as she ripped a PA speaker out of the wall and threw it out the window.

"That's going to take too long, we need to find Hayate and make her shut up!" said Fate as she dragged Nanoha away from another speaker. "Come on, we need to hurry up before she gets to the part where-"

"So they ended up going to this fancy French restaurant, right? And-"

--------------------------------------------------

Nanoha ever wanted to punch someone so hard in her entire life.

"Ah yez, yuu marst be ze tawelve ur klok appointment, no?" said one of the waiters at the restaurant, who was speaking with horrible French accent even though he was Japanese. You think Engrish was bad? You haven't seen ANYTHING like this before. This was like...I dunno, Flench.

Nanoha took several seconds to respond, trying to understand what the hell this guy was saying.
"Uh yeah, that's me. I also got someone else coming so I need a table for two." she said slowly.

"Arh yers, o'couze mahm, if yuu vill excuze me for a zecond..." The waiter said something near unintelligible before disappearing. Nanoha stood around awkwardly, unsure of what she was supposed to do.

"Arha, yers, ve haav von tahble available, eef yuu vould jarst furllow me..." The waiter came back and motioned for Nanoha to follow him.

"Here iz yur tahble mahm, I vill ezcourt yur guest ovar vhen zey haf arrived." The waiter gave a polite bow and left. Nanoha sat down and wondered if she should have hired a translator.

Sometime later the waiter who must have been mixing at least 3 different kinds of European accents together came back, with a confused Fate in tow.

"OH THANK GOD! I had no idea what was going on!" Fate threw herself at Nanoha. "I was so scared that I was going to wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my appendix missing or something!"

Nanoha patted Fate on the back, unsure of what to do.
"Um...there, there?"

Fate sat down at the table while the waiter pulled out a small notepad.

"Vould yuu laydees like zomefink to drink?"

Nanoha and Fate stared at him.

"...Oh! Drink! Yes, uh... Water will be fine, thanks" said Nanoha.

"I'll just have some water too, please" responded Fate.

"Very guud, I vill bring ze menus ovar wiz ze drinks shortleh" And with that, the waiter left.

Nanoha mentally groaned, wondering if bringing Fate here was such a good idea after all.

"Wow Nanoha, this place looks really expensive! How did you afford it?" asked Fate. Nanoha cringed as she remembered.

"...Part time job?" she offered. Fate seemed to accept that excuse and dropped the subject. Nanoha sighed in relief.

-----------------------------------------------

"Oh, that's actually a pretty funny story too!" laughed Hayate. "You see, two days earlier..."

-----------------------------------------------

Nanoha kicked open the doors to the bank, a pair of pantyhose on her head and a burlap sack in her hands.

"THIS IS A MOTHERF##KING ROBBERY! PUT THE F##KING MONEY IN THE F##KING BAG!" Nanoha ordered as she Divine Bustered a nearby guard. "I F##KING MEAN IT!"

-------------------------------------------------

"Oh son of a B###H! How come Hayate knows that?" swore Nanoha.

"Wait, you paid for that meal by robbing a bank?" asked Fate.

"Uhh...Noooooooo?" Nanoha lied, slowly. Fate looked at her crossly.

"So anyway, back to the original story. The waiter comes back with the menus and-" Hayate continued her story.
------------------------------------------------

"Arnd here ve are, laydehs. Yur vater arnd yur menus. Let me knoe vhen yuu are ready tu ohrder." The waiter handed the water and menus over before heading over to serve another table.

'Oh holy son of a hot goddamn I'm screwed' Nanoha thought as she stared at the menu. 'I don't even know what half of the crap of this stuff it! I don't even know what ANY of this crap is, I can't even pronounce it!'

Fate was having a similar dilemma.
'Oh no, what do I do? I don't want to embarrass myself in front of Nanoha by ordering something stupid!' Fate tried to think of a plan. 'I got it! I'll just order whatever Nanoha has, I'm so smart~!'

'Oh my god I have no idea what I'm doing' Nanoha did the mental equivalent of an OTL. 'Oh crap, the waiter is coming back! Quick, think of something!'

"Laydehs, haf yuu decided vhat yuu vant tu orhder?" asked the waiter, pulling out his notepad again.

"Uh..." Nanoha quickly studied the menu, which was written in a combination of English and French.
'OH COME ON! The one time English class would have come in handy!' Nanoha swore to herself as she stalled for time.
"What do you recommend?" she asked.

"Vell, ve haf ve Obloque du ze Frompei wiz ze Chardu und Cor." The waiter replied.

Nanoha stared.

"Uh, I'll have the...Um..." She stuttered.
'Oh god, think of something! Say anything! ANY FOOD ITEM AT ALL!" Nanoha screamed to herself.

"I WILL HAVE A BUCKET OF FRIED CHICKEN!" Nanoha announced loudly.

"I'll have what she's having!" Fate responded. "...Wait, what?"

------------------------------------------

"-And then afterwards, the waiter GAAH!" Hayate's story was suddenly cut short.

"She's in here, hurry!" Fate kicked open the door and tackled Hayate to the floor.

"PUT THE F##KING MONEY IN THE BAG!" demanded Nanoha. "THIS IS A- no wait, sorry. Bad habit."

Cardboard box is here!

Natus's picture
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Joined: 04/26/2011
Posts: 1261

Introduction!

Story!

Spoiler:

Hayate lifted a basket of assorted alcoholic beverages and placed them on a table, in between Nanoha and Fate.

"Ladies, someone gave me a crapload of drinks." She said, waving her hand over the basket. "I want you two to help me finish them."

Fate frowned.
"I dunno, should we really be drinking so much liquor at this time in the day? It's not even noon yet and I need to-"

Hayate interrupted Fate by slapping her on the back.
"Aw, come on! Look, just have ONE glass, alright? One won't hurt! You're in too, right Nanoha?" Hayate punctuated her question by glaring at Nanoha.

"e-Eh?! Um... Well, I suppose just ONE drink would be okay..."

-------------------
Several shots later...
-------------------

"I'm... I'mma go to-hic!" Hayate pointed up at the ceiling with one hand while snapping her fingers with the other, trying to remember something. "Go to the...Uh...hic!"

"Faaaaaaaate~~" Nanoha nuzzled Fate and make several highly inappropriate purring sounds. "Your so-hic! and I love it!"

"I uh...I'm like-hic!...Thanks?" Fate mumbled unintelligibly.

Hayate slammed her fists on the table.
"I'VE DECIDED! IMMA GONNA SING!" she announced as she stagger onto the table. Nanoha and Fate cheered her on drunkenly.

"FIGHTING EVIL BY MOONLIGHT! (whooo) WINNING LOVE BY DAYLIGHT! (whoo)" screamed Hayate into an empty bottle. Yes, Hayate is one of those noisy drunks, so noisy in fact that her singing was causing air to blow across the top of the bottle causing a slight whistling noise.

Fate rummaged through the basket, looking for another bottle.

Nanoha broke a leg of an unused chair and set it on fire using Raising Heart, waving it around like a glow-stick.

"GONNA CATCH-hic! YOU CATCH YOU (whoooo) CATCH ME CATCH ME MATTE-hic!(whooo)" Hayate sang, screamed, and hiccuped her way through several magical girl theme songs while windmilling one of her arms around for no discernible reason.

"I declare myself king of Disneyland!" Fate held up an empty bottle and smashed it against a nearby wall. "I now pronounce you man and wife, maltesers!"

"Dude, do we have any? Because I'm kinda...like, kinda hungry right now and stuff." Nanoha staggered towards Fate and waved the flaming table leg above her head. "Wheeeeee~"

"GO GO POWER RANGERS! BAOW NAO NAO NAO NAO! GO GO POWER RANGERS!" Hayate dropped her bottle to play air guitar as she sang the electric guitar solo. The bottle smashed on the ground but Hayate didn't seem to notice, even when she stepped on several pieces. "YOU MIGHTY MORPHING POWER RANGERS!"

"Oh my god you guys, you know what we-hic! What we should do? We should-hic! We should like, totally do this right? Where like, we-hic! Where like-hic!...You know?" Nanoha threw the flaming table leg over her shoulder so that she could jump onto Fate's back as she rambled. "We should like-hic! and then OH MY GOD PIGGY BACK RIDES!"

Fate stared bleary eyed at the small fire that erupted in the room due to the flaming table leg and all the split alcohol.
"Dude, I think I can totally tell my future with this thing!" Fate waver her hands over the fire and hiccuped several times while Nanoha played with her hair.

Hayate fell off the table and rolled around on the floor, her feet punctured with shards of broken glass.
"Holy crap you guys, I found Narnia!" Hayate crawled under the table. "I am the White Wardrobe of Witch Lions!"

Nanoha clapped her hands.
"Hooray for Hayate the witch wardrobe closet cat sparkles puppy!" Nanoha fell off Fate and swore loudly.

"Oh my god you guys, I've figured it out!" Fate pointed at the fire. Or rather, she tried and over shot. Fate stared at her hand as it burned in the flames. She looked around for another bottle of booze. "Holy crap you guys, I think I might be delicious."

Hayate suddenly stood up, flipping the table over and sending glass flying everywhere.
"YOU GUYS! We totally should get a pet turtle!" Hayate pointed dramatically at Nanoha. "She's our new turtle! Hi turtle!"

Nanoha stopped swearing and looking at Hayate.
"I'm... a turtle?" she asked uneasily. Hayate nodded. Nanoha began to cry. "EVERYTHING I KNOW IS A LIE!"

Hayate crawled over to Nanoha, unable to stand due to the glass embedded in her feet.
"Aw, don't worry mister turtle! I'm gonna take good care of ya!" Hayate patted Nanoha on the head reassuringly. Nanoha made several cooing noises and fell asleep. "Gooooooood mister turtle. Nice turtle."

Fate gazed at the fire, eyes unfocused. She pulled her charred hand out of the fire.
"I'm pregnant" she said.

Hayate woke Nanoha up.
"Mister turtle, get up!" she said, shaking Nanoha awake. "Mister badger is pregnant!"

Fate blinked slowly.
"I'm... a badger?"

Hayate answered by giving Fate a thumbs up.
"Yep!"

Fate got all all fours and made random animal sounds, unsure of what sounds badgers actually made.
"Awoooo! Kakaa! Neiiiigh! Tax evasion!"

All of them completly ignored the fact that the room was on fire.

"Oh my god, I'm gonna be a cousin!" Nanoha stood up unsteadily and walked over to Fate like a newborn calf learning to walk. "Mister Raccoon!"

"Badger" corrected Fate.

"BADGER! God, sorry!" Nanoha spouted off an apology as she stumbled over to Fate. "We're going to be nephews!"

"Congrats, the four of you!" Hayate decided to celebrate by pouring vodka all over the place like it was champagne. The room burnt even faster.

"...Is it getting hot in here or is it just me?" Fate sniffed the air. "Do you smell something burning?"

"Baby, the hottest thing in the room is you right now" Nanoha said seductively as she grabbed onto Fate. "Kiss me right nBLEEEH!" Nanoha vomited all over Fate.

"Maltesers!" Hayate smashed another bottle against the floor.

Cardboard box is here!

Natus's picture
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Joined: 04/26/2011
Posts: 1261

God. It stings. It stings like sugar.

Before I start, I should mention that I'm having some authentic Lindy style green tea. Yes, that includes the twelve sugar cubes. Seriously, it's like drinking pure sugar. I am sugar high as fuck right now.

Oh yeah, quick warning. I'm not going to censor swear words like I usually do in the next batch of stories. So yeah, watch out for that.

So yes.

Are you aware of that "Lyrical Toy Box" thing? It's the prototype version of Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha. From what I can tell, there's only a 5 minute video that's basically a long intro sequence of it.

I, Natus, have taken it upon myself to try and guess what the hell happened in that story using nothing but my imagination, some info I gleaned from Fuko/Lena/Alicia and Youtube.

Specifically, this video right here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_RBghAfiW8

AND SO!

I present to you...

LYRICAL CARDBOARD BOX

Spoiler:

Nanoha Takamachi, super genki little Japanese schoolgirl, merrily skipped her way to school while swinging her bag around.

"La la la la la~♪" she sang, horribly off key, since the "lyrical" part of the title is non-existent.

Wa-smack!

There was a meaty thud that sounded suspiciously like a school bag smacking someone in the head.

Because that happened just now.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry! Are you-" Nanoha began, apologizing out of reflex for hitting the 17th person on her way to school. When she looked around to see who she hit however, she didn't see anyone around her.

"...Maybe it was just my imagination?" she wondered. She then promptly forgot about it and resumed skipping and bludgeoning people on her way to school.

"La la la (wa-smack!) la la la (Boof!) la la la laaaaa~♪♪"

She still sucks at singing.

-----------------------------------
Lunch time, at school
-----------------------------------

"Hey there, Suzuka!" Nanoha greeted her friend, who reminds me suspiciously of Tomoyo Daijouji from Cardcaptor Sakura.

"Hi Nanoha, what's up?" Suzuka responded in kind as she pulled out her lunch box.

"Not much. Is there a reason why you don't walk to school with me anymore?" asked Nanoha as she casually mugged the younger students for their lunch.

"...No reason" Suzuka nervously rubbed the scars from her own encounter with Nanoha's school bag.

"Huh. I feel like we're forgetting someone. Shouldn't Arisa be here?" Nanoha asked while inspecting her ill-gotten lunches. "Oh sweet, corn!"

"Arisa wasn't in the video, I doubt she's in Lyrical Toy Box at all." Suzuka replied off-handily

"Ha. Sucks to be her." Nanoha om nommed her corn.

--------------------------------
After school, suspicious park
--------------------------------

"La la la la~♪" hummed Nanoha as she swung her bag around. You'd think that she'd get better with practice but she's actually getting worse.

"Oh wow, taking this shortcut through this highly suspicious, isolated park sure was a good idea, I bet nothing plot-related will happen to me here!" she said.

FATALITY!

Nanoha's bag collided with another poor soul, killing her instantly.

...

Well, not really. The plot can't move forward with that person died.

"Son of a bitch!" screamed a voice as she was force-feed school bag.

"Oh my god, I am so sorry!" apologized Nanoha, not meaning it at all. However, she didn't see anyone around her again. "...Oh my god, are you a ghost?"

Nanoha felt a tiny fist punch her in the ear drum.

"No you stupid bastard, I'm a goddamn fairy!"

Nanoha whipped her head around to meet her ear drum punching companion. She then cricked her neck and fell to her knees, swearing while holding on to her neck with both hands.

"FUCK!" she screamed.

The fairy punched her in the eyeball.

"Pay attention you moron!" she yelled.

Eyes tearing up, Nanoha looked at the fairy in front of her.

"...Holy shit, Captain Lindy?" she said in amazement.

"Not Captain. Fairy. You smacked me into a bush this morning with your schoolbag. Bitch." Lindy, who looks exactly the same except tiny and with fairy wings, crossed her arms and glowered at Nanoha. "How the hell do you know my name?"

"...No reason" said Nanoha, averting her eyes to avoid eye contact. "GOD DAMN IT!" she roared when the movement agitated her neck.

"Oh for... here, lemme take a look at your neck." Lindy sighed and forced Nanoha's hands away. She spun kicked Nanoha's neck, causing it to make a loud Crack! sound.

"...Oh wow, my neck feels so much better now! Did you heal it with fairy magic?" Nanoha asked.

Lindy facepalmed. "Sure. Fairy magic. Whatever"

Nanoha brushed herself off and stood up.

"Goodbye Lindy fairy person, I have to go home now!" she waved goodbye and skipped away, swinging her school bag and killing some squirrels as she went.

"Yes, goodbye strange annoying girl" Lindy said flatly as she waved back. "God, I hope I never have to see her again..."

-------------------------------------
The next morning
-------------------------------------

"Ra ra ra ra ra~♫" sang Nanoha as she skipped off towards school again. Her singing has gotten so much more worse that she can't even pronounce the letter L anymore. And that is totally the reason why, if you think of another reason it's because you are a racist.

You bastard.

Lindy, who happened to be flying in the general area, heard Nanoha bludgeon-skipping towards her.

"Shitshitshitshit!" she swore as she flew away as quickly as possible. She avoided Nanoha for the entire day and will not be appearing for the rest of this post.

---------------------------------------
Lunch time, at school
---------------------------------------

"You'll NEVER guess what happened to me yesterday!" said Nanoha as she extorted another kid's lunch money.

"You shanked a guy?" asked Suzuka as she unpacked her own rich-girl lunch, which was a dollar bill salad with mayonnaise. The mayonnaise was made out of the tears of the poor. And eggs.

"Nooooo..." Nanoha said slowly as she planted her bloody knife on the teacher. "Never bring this topic of conversation up again. Ever."

"Um...please don't cut me" begged Suzuka.

"If I feel like it" Nanoha replied curtly.

---------------------------------------
After school, suspicious park
---------------------------------------

Nanoha, skipping, bludgeoning, singing horribly, went on her way through the park.

Le wallop!

"Point!" Nanoha flipped open a note book and tallied up the number of people she had whacked today. "I mean... Oh no. What happened. It sounded like someone hit you with their school bag. Someone who is not me. At all." Nanoha said flatly as she pocketed the note book.

Nanoha looked down and saw who she hit.

"Oh god, I hit this poor cat!" she cried, since she had no sympathy for her fellow man she felt her heart go out to this animal instead.

"I'm a goodamn fox. You retard." said the cat fox crossly as it picked itself up off the floor.

"OH MY GOD, TALKING ANIMAL!" Nanoha screamed as she punted the fox across the park. "Demon spirit begone! Demon spirit begone!"

"YOU MOTHER FUC-Gah!" The fox swore as it sailed through the air and slammed into a tree, knocking the wind out of it.

"Dear sweet cardboard boxes, what the hell is up with this forest? First fairies and now talking foxes?!" Nanoha looked around, half expecting to see a mythical animal like a unicorn or a walrus.

"Wait, if you've already seen a fairy then why the hell are you freaking out about a talking fox?!" The fox picked itself up and limped away. "Goddamn stupid bitch..." she muttered to herself.

Nanoha gave it another hearty kick. "I'll cut you if you call me a bitch next time, stupid cat!"

"I'm a fucking fox!" she roared as she flew through the sky. "Team Rocket is blasting off agaaaain!"

The fox twinkled in the air.

Having scared all the other characters away from her, Nanoha has successfully forced this post to end.

Jerk.

And that's chapter 1 of Lyrical Cardboard Box! Tune in next time to see what happens next? If you don't, Nanoha will cut you~

Cardboard box is here!

LOLIKNOW's picture
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Joined: 12/26/2011
Posts: 276

Spoiler:
"Oh wow, taking this shortcut through this highly suspicious, isolated park sure was a good idea, I bet nothing plot-related will happen to me here!" she said.

Pure gold...the entire post.

Philosophical juggernaut, disabled Bruce Lee

Natus's picture
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Joined: 04/26/2011
Posts: 1261

Thank you for your kind words, they encourage me to write more and more crack!

Cardboard box is here!