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Delicious! (A collection of meaningless crack stories)

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Natus's picture
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Joined: 04/26/2011
Posts: 1261

I have no preamble to offer you fine non-boxes this time round, let's just jump straight into:

LYRICAL CARDBOARD BOX!

Part 2: the... something. I didn't think of a tag line for this.

Spoiler:

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One morning, about a week later
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Lindy cautiously peered over the bushes as she surveyed her surroundings.

"I am going to punch you in the elbow SO hard...!" she grumbled as she slipped some spiked brass knuckles on her fists.

Nanoha, oblivious to the elbow-punching she was about to get, rode to school with great determination etched onto her face.

"Mush, mush you peasant!" she demanded as she whipped the talking fox. Nanoha as standing on a chariot that was being pulled by the poor animal.

"Damn you, I'm a fox! Not a pheasant!" screeched the fox as she slowly pulled the chariot towards Nanoha's school. "Can we at least get round wheels?" she begged, the square wheels of the chariot dragging in the asphalt.

"Bitch! I'm here to punch you in the elbow!" Lindy jumped out of the bushes, arms raised, ready to bring the smack down onto Nanoha's arms...

Only to be greeted by Nanoha slowly bearing down on her like Genghis Khan riding out to make everyone his bitch.

"Annnnnd I'm outtie" Lindy quickly turned tail and flew away.

"No wait, save me Ms. Fairy person! Please, I'll give you all the money I have!" The fox fell to her little foxy knees and begged for salvation.

Lindy immediately did a U-turn. "Money? How much are we talking?"

"Less talky, more pully!" Nanoha whipped the fox across the head with her school bag. "If you won't shut up then I'll have to drown your voice out with my singing!"

"Oh god no please, anything but that!" The fox tried to stand up and resume pulling the chariot but quickly collapsed. "Crap, I'm done for..."

Lindy stood by impassively, arms crossed. "No really, exactly HOW much money are we talking?"

"ALL OF IT!" screamed the fox as she began to twist the chains around her neck, wondering if she could hang herself like that.

Lindy sighed and shrugged. "Alright, whatever bitch. No need to yell..." Lindy flew up to Nanoha and tried to look as intimidating and imposing as possible.

"Oh, if it isn't the cute, small fairy!" said Nanoha, patting Lindy on the head (and crushing her)

"Ha ha yes, I'm just a fairy who's here to KICK YO ASS!" Lindy roared as she slammed her spiky fists into Nanoha's throat, the force of the impact making her neck crick again.

"I WILL MURDER YOU!" Nanoha bellowed, clutching onto her neck desperately. Lindy bitch-slapped Nanoha off the chariot and quickly freed the fox.

"Thanks for your help, my name is Kuon!" she said.

"I don't give a shit" replied Lindy.

The two of them quickly escaped into the park together.

Nanoha rolled around on the ground, screaming bloody murder and having the most disruptive temper tantrum of all time. Seismologists all over Japan felt the force of Nanoha's fists beating against the road and thought that they were aftershocks of the earthquake caused by that one time yo mama sat down. Hoooooooooooo!

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At school
-----------------------------------

"Class, your teacher has been arrested as a suspect for a murder that occurred a week ago-" began the Principal. Nanoha silently fist-pumped. "-so it's my duty to present the new transfer student. Because of course there's a goddamn new transfer student"

The Principle opened the classroom door and a boy wearing some kind of black trench-coat looking thing with spikes walked in.

"Sup, my name is Chrono and I'm evil" Chrono is not one to mince words. Nanoha stared at him.

"Dude" she whispered to Suzuka. "I am soooo going to befriend that guy"

"Um...good for you?" Suzuka said, unsure of why Nanoha was telling her this. "No wait, shit. You mean you're going to beat him up after school right?"

"Hell yeah, fucking newbie"

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After school
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"So like, is there a reason why you called me out behind the gym?" asked Chrono impatiently. "I have evil bad guy stuff I need to be doing..."

"I'm here to beat you up newbie" said Nanoha flatly.

"...Excuse me?" said Chrono slowly. "You realize I'm an evil mage right?"

Nanoha shanked Chrono with a shiv made out of rice crackers.

"Shut up while I'm cutting you!" she demanded as she twisted the shiv.

"FUCK!" screamed Chrono as he pushed Nanoha away. "You crazy bitch, I'm going to blast you into pieces!" With that, he pulled out his S2U device.

"Holy crap, you have a magic staff?! This is crazy man, crazy!" Nanoha waved the shiv around frantically. "Don't come any closer, wizard!"

"...Okay, have you been paying attention to anything I've been saying?" Chrono sighed as he magically healed himself. "Alright, blasty time." Chrono then spent the next 5 hours beating Nanoha over the head with his staff while blasting her with magic.

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Night time, suspicious park
------------------------------------

"Oh my god, I got my ass handed to me so hard I can taste my own poop" moaned Nanoha as she dragged her sorry self back home. "How was I supposed to know he was Harry Potter?!"

Nanoha jumped as she heard rustling in the bushes. "Sweet fish sticks, I'm going to be attacked by a muggle!"

"Dafaq is a muggle?' asked Lindy as she rode out of the bushes on Kuon's back.

"Um, am I always going to be a mode of transportation?" asked Kuon tiredly, already knowing what the answer would be.

"Shut up bitch" Lindy ordered.

"Yes ma'am..." Kuon sighed.

"Holy crap, you guys are magical!" exclaimed Nanoha in shock.

"No shit, Sherlock" Lindy rolled her eyes.

"No, I mean... You guys! Teach me magic!" Nanoha demanded as she kicked Lindy off Kuon and grabbed her. "Teach me magic or I break you" She growled.

Lindy saw her life flash before her eyes momentarily. "N-Never! If a monster like you were to learn magic then all of Dream World would be in danger!"

Kuon saluted Lindy, manly tears in her eyes. "I will never forget your brave sacrifice" she promised.

"So then... there's another magical world out there, is there?" Nanoha said slowly, an evil glint in her eye. Lindy paled while Kuon face palmed.

"Lindy, you MORON!" Kuon screamed. "You just endangered our entire world!"

"Oh my god, what have I done?!" Lindy glared at Nanoha. "Fox girl!" she called out.

"Um, my name is-"

"I don't give a shit! You have to kill Nanoha before she learns magic and destroys Dream World!" Lindy ordered as she struggled to free herself from Nanoha's grasp.

Kuon stared at Lindy. "You...really expect me to go against her? Really?" she said incredulously.

Nanoha slammed Lindy into a tree. "You goddamn bastards better teach me magic so I can rape that Chrono kid with a magical staff of my own!"

"OW OW OW!" came Lindy's muffled reply as she ate bark. "Wait, did you say Chrono?"

"Oh, that kid who came here trying to save Dream World by stealing human memories? You ran into him?" Kuon asked, interested. "I think he's doing a great job~"

"Stealing memories from humans is illegal. And it's kind of a ass thing to do" replied Lindy as she pulled herself off the tree.

"Yeah well, humans suck" retorted Kuon as she pointed at Nanoha, who was lost in her imagination as she mentally pictured her doing horrific yet highly inappropriately sexual things to Chrono while drooling.

Lindy sighed and face palmed. "Sorry foxy, I'm a fairy and I have to uphold the goddamn law."

"My name is-"

"I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!" roared Lindy, causing Kuon to jump and snapping Nanoha out of her fantasies.

"Sour cream all over his young shota peni-!" she shouted, startled. "...I mean, you gonna teach me magic or what?"

Lindy wrestled with her conscious, highly torn over what is technically correct (helping Nanoha stop Chrono) and what is morally right (killing Nanoha and burying her body in the park where no-one would ever find it)

"...Yeah, sure. I'll teach you some fucking magic" Lindy sighed. "But ONLY if you promise to use it to stop Chrono!"

"Yeah sure, whatever bitch. Teach me to shoot some fucking lasers already" Nanoha said dismissively.

And that is the end of chapter two of Lyrical Cardboard Box! Thanks for reading!

Cardboard box is here!

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Posts: 1261

LYRICAL CARDBOARD BOX!

Part 3: Might be the final chapter.

Spoiler:

"Avada Kedavra!" A pink laser blast a nearby cat into bloody chunks all across the street.

"You are a lunatic and a psychopath" said Lindy flatly as she watched Nanoha rain death and destruction upon Uminari City.

"You should be ashamed, this is all your fault you damn fairy!" roared Kuon. "And when the hell are you going to get off me?!" This was directed at Nanoha, who was riding the talking fox yet again.

"Shush you, or I'll Dragon Slave you into space." Nanoha replied as she aimed up another shot.

"Falcon Punch!" she screamed as she blew up a puppy orphanage.

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After School, behind the gym
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"So, we're back here again?' Chrono asked wearily. "What's up with the fairy and the cat?"

"I'M A FOX!" came the angry retort.

"No one cares" Lindy punctuated this with a sharp slap to Kuon's head.

"I'm here to challenge you to a rematch!" Nanoha whipped out her magical staff and pointed it at Chrono. "I've become a skilled master of the explody-laser arts with about 5 minutes of practice!"

"What the... how is that even possible?!" demanded Chrono. Lindy raised her hand. Chrono facepalmed. "Why would you even teach this sociopath magic in the first place?" Chrono rubbed his temples as he asked.

"Less talky, more dying!" Nanoha began firing magical lasers at Chrono, who screamed like a little girl and dived out of the way. Chrono pulled out his own staff and returned fire, shooting his own lasers back.

"Oh my god, they're going to kill each other!" said Kuon. "Do something!"

"Why?" asked Lindy. "Won't everything be solved once they blast holes in each other?"

"Did you... did you plan this?" Kuon asked slowly. Lindy's response was to smile innocently. Kuon made a mental note to never get on the fairy's bad side.

Ever.

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Much later...
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"KAMEHAMEHA!" Nanoha fired a laser beam towards Chrono.

"HADOKEN!" Chrono countered with a laser blast of his own.

"How much longer is this going to take?!" Kuon demanded an answer as she raged against the increasingly boring explosion battle. Lindy had already fallen asleep hours ago despite all the yelling and the loud booms sounded continuously.

"Die you stupid blue-haired bastard!" screamed Nanoha as she thrust her staff into Chrono's balls.

"Drop dead you whore-pig!" squeaked Chrono, his voice an octave higher. He swung his staff and smashed Nanoha over the side of the head, sending her reeling. Nanoha, ears ringing and vision a little blurry, went in for another nut-crushing jab only to be parried.

"Pon Pon Pata Pon!" Nanoha drummed out the attack song by thumping her staff on the ground before rushing in, staff raised in the air to crush Chrono's skull in.

"Chaka Chaka Pata Pon!" Chrono took a defensive staff and blocked Nanoha's swing before countering with a blow to her side.

"Ha! You fool, your attack triggered my trap card" gloated Nanoha as she gave Chrono a nasty paper cut. Chrono had a feeling that they would be doing something like this at a later date. Shrugging off this feeling, Chrono kicked Nanoha in the shin.

"Damn you, you spiky asshole!" she roared.

"Go to hell you flat-chested beam spammer!" retorted Chrono.

"Bind fetish!"

"Ferret lover!"

The two shouted insults at each other, magical staves forgotten. Lindy finally woke up and rubbed her eyes.

"Mornin'" she said with a yawn. "Are they dead yet?"

"Not even close" Kuon sighed. "They're too useless to kill each other. Oh well, they're just kids after all..."

"They're not so child-like now..." said Lindy slowly as she tapped Kuon and pointed at the two humans.

"What, have they died yet or OH MY GOD THEY'RE FUCKING"

Angry sex is the best sex, apparently.

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Meanwhile, at that exact time in Mitakihara City...
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"Now then Madoka, tell me your wish!" Kyubey urged the pink haired girl on, his classic poker face staring at her intently.

"I wish for yuri" she stated bluntly.

"...Excuse me?" Kyubey's voice faltered slightly, even if his facial expression didn't.

"Yuri. Just like, all over the place." Madoka reinforced her statement by nodding vigorously. "All magical girls need yuri, so make it happen"

Kyubey used his ears to shrug. "Sure, what the hell do I care anyway?"

There was a bright glow as the world was remade into a yuri paradise and...

...
...
...

The world as we know it changed.

Lindy was no longer a fairy and became a human.
Chrono stopped being evil and became an enforcer of the TSAB.
Nanoha stopped being an asshole and therefore loveable.
Kuon dropped off the face of the universe and was replaced by a ferret.
Arisa spawned into existence because Suzuka needs some hot lesbian sex too.

And somewhere out there, plans were put into motion to ensure gratuitous amounts of magical girl yuri in the form of NanoFate.

So don't forget.
Always, somewhere,
there is yuri.
As long as you remember this,
there is no heterosexuality.

END

And that's all of Lyrical Cardboard Box! See ya later, non-boxes. I'll have a brand new story waiting for you...eventually~

Cardboard box is here!

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Posts: 1261

Fact: There are a crapload of car references in the series. So I decided to run with that and make up a new world where the MGLN universe is populated by magical cars.

So it's like that one Pixar movie but with lasers.

And so...

MAGICAL AUTOMOBILE LYRICAL NANOCAR

Spoiler:

Precia Tescarossa, her engine idling, sat in the darkness.
"Soon..." she said to herself, as she waited for her plans to unfold.

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"Nanocar! Nanocar!" The little car U-turned around to face her friends who were calling her.

"Oh! What's up Suzucar and Aricar?" she said, greeting them. Aricar waved her window wipers in excitement, which were holding down a flyer.

"Precia Tescarossa is holding a tournament all of a sudden, the Jewel Seed Grand Prix!" Suzucar explained enthusiastically.

"...Who?" Nanocar asked bluntly, staring blankly at the two of them. Aricar rammed into Nanocar in frustration.

"Precia was once the greatest race car in the world! She retired a while back due to her age but now she's hosting a racing tournament, anything with her name on it is sure to be great!" Aricar rammed into Nanocar some more as she said this to pound the message into her.

"I agree, her cereal is delicious. I eat it every morning" agreed Suzucar, nodding.

--------------

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Nanocar sighed as she drove home from school. "Damn it Aricar, you slammed me too hard and dented me..."

"SHIT! FUCK!" screamed a voice behind her. "Run away little car, run away!" Nanocar looked behind her using her mirrors to spot a small car honking his horn while being chased by some kind of giant dust bunny. "Don't just stand there!" the car screamed. Nanocar, snapped back to reality from her confusion, accelerated as fast as she could.

"What the hell is that thing?!" Nanocar shouted as the other car caught up with her.

"No time to explain! Quick, take this new experimental engine upgrade. You'll need it to avoid getting crushed by that thing!" The other car coasted close to her and handed her a small, round engine piece. "I know this is all sort of shady but you'll need that Raising Heart upgrade if you want to live, trust me!"

Nanocar fumbled around with the upgrade piece before installing it onto her engine. "What am I supposed to do n-HOLY EXHAUST PIPES!" Nanocar shrieked as she accelerated past her top speed, going faster than she had every gone in her life.

"Listen to me closly-" began the other car. "That thing chasing us has good speed but it doesn't turn very well. We need to go faster to coax it into speeding up and then suddenly turn at the next corner. With any luck, it will be going faster than it can control and smash into a wall. Are you ready?"

"E-Ehhhh?! I've never gone this fast before, I'm just as likely to spin out and crash too!" screamed Nanocar, who was promptly ignored by her companion.

"Okay, here goes!" The other car suddenly sped up, leaving Nanocar and the dust bunny creature behind. The creature roared and accelerated, not wanting to lose it's prey. Nanocar swore loudly and drove faster as well.

"Oh, you're actually doing pretty good" remarked the car as Nanocar caught up. "Get ready, here come's a corner!" Nanocar and the other car both drifted around the corner, wheels screeching and leaving skid marks all over the road. The dust bunny slammed into a wall and exploded into bits.

"You did pretty well kid! My name is Yuuno Scarya but you can just call me Yuuno. You know what? Why don't you keep Raising Heart as well, you show some real promise with that." The other car, introducing himself as Yuuno, surveyed the wreckage of the crash.

"What just happened?" asked Nanocar slowly, not getting it at all.

"Oh right, let me explain. I'm the chief mechanic of Tescarossa Industries and I was testing this new piece of equipment we were planning on using as part of the opening ceremony of the tournament coming up but then this and that happened you know the rest..." Yuuno trailed off sheepishly while Nanocar stared at him dumbfounded. "Hey kid, what's your name?"

"E-Eh? It's Nanocar Tacarmachi" she said.

"Oh, looks like you got a little dent from the excitement... How about I patch you up as a way of saying sorry?" Yuuno offered.

"Uh, this isn't actually from-" Nanocar started.

"Don't be so shy, come here and let me take a look at it"

"I don't think you quite understan-"

-----------

-----------

"All done!" exclaimed Yuuno. "Good as new!"

"Um, thanks..." said Nanocar nervously.

"Hey Nanocar, you were pretty fast back there. You should think about entering the Jewel Seed Grand Prix! Anyway, see ya later!" And with that, Yuuno drove off.

"... I don't get it" Nanocar sighed.

And that's the end of the first part! What will happen next? Who knows, I haven't really thought the plot of this through actually ^^;;

At any rate, I hope you enjoyed reading! Come back for more as well, I'll write part two later~

Cardboard box is here!

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Intermission!

Spoiler:

Cardboard box is here!