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[Fanfic] The Day Nanoha and Fate Had There First

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Reinforce X's picture
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Joined: 08/11/2010
Posts: 10

Title: The Day Nanoha and Fate Had There First
Author: Reinforce X/B. W. Reinforce (Same Person)
Age Rating: +18 WARNING CONTAINS MATURE CONTENT
Genre: Romance, Hentai
Summary: Follow Nanoha and Fate as they go towards there first kiss and possibly something else.
Series: Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha A’s

The Day Nanoha and Fate Had There First Part 1

One day Nanoha Takamachi and her best friend Fate Testarossa were having a training mock battle. “Divine Buster” Nanoha shouted and fired a Lazer at Fate. “Round Shield” said Fate’s Bardiche and Fate put up a round shield when the Lazer died down Fate used an attack off her own “HAKEN SABER” “shouted Fate and threw the haken part off Bardiche at Nanoha “OW MY ARM” Nanoha dodged the attack but the Haken Saber came back round and caught Nanoha on the arm and sliced her left arm open.

“Nanoha are you okay” Fate shouted as she rushed over to Nanoha’s side “Y Yeah I’m fine but my arm was cut open by your Haken Saber” Nanoha explained and Fate and her stopped training and went to Fates place.

Nanoha just then remembered she was sleeping over at Fates house. “Nanoha why don’t you go take a bath while I get dinner ready plus it will stop the wound getting infected” Fate asked Nanoha “Okay Fate-Chan I will” said Nanoha.

5 minutes later when Nanoha came out the bath and went to the kitchen, “Fate-Chan do you need any help?” asked Nanoha “no thanks Nanoha dinners almost done anyway know what set the table” Fate said to Nanoha. “Okay I’ll set the table” so Nanoha set the table and when she was done Fate had just finished making dinner and put it out on the table.

“Wow the food looks so good Fate-Chan” Nanoha said really happily “Lets eat then shall we?” asked Fate “yeah *try’s a bit off the food* wow its really good.” said Nanoha “ You think?” asked Fate, “Yeah your cooking is really great” Nanoha answered Fate “T Thank you” Fate blushed and thanked Nanoha.

After dinner Nanoha and Fate went to Fates room and played a few videogames after that Nanoha went to tell Fate something. “Fate-Chan I erm I um well you see” Nanoha was blushing a lot “Nanoha are you okay your face is really red” Fate asked Nanoha, “I LOVE YOU FATE-CHAN!” Nanoha shouted and then realized what she just said. Fate blushed and said Nanoha’s name “I love you too Nanoha” Fate said to Nanoha.

She was shocked that Fate said the same thing to her but then Nanoha asked Fate something which took her 5 minutes to ask “hey Fate-Chan can we erm kiss?” Nanoha said embarrassingly Fate looked at Nanoha and then talked “sure we can Nanoha-Chan.” Fate and Nanoha sat next to each other tilting there heads to both sides moving there heads closer to each others and finally they kissed.

This is only part 1 off my Fanfic i'm currently working on the rest

Spoiler:

Satashi's picture
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Joined: 11/17/2009
Posts: 595

remember to use periods

Don't have 2 people talk in same paragraph

Use commas

The story does not flow at all

Sorry,i can't think of anything else right now,i had to stop reading it.

A.
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Joined: 08/14/2009
Posts: 3750

Geez, Satashi, you're always so harsh with new writers >.< Though what you said is good advice, I agree with you.
Just to point out something specific for your future writings, Fate never calls Nanoha "Nanoha-chan", she calls everybody just by ther name because Nanha told her that that's how she should call her friends.

Satashi's picture
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Joined: 11/17/2009
Posts: 595

Ah, I didn't mean to be harsh. I was on my phone so I was just making points to look at since I didn't have the time to type out the full review like I can now.

As I said, you need to remember to use more periods. Run-on sentences are really distracting and can break the flow of your story. That's why I said your story didn't flow any.

Wrong:
shouted Fate and threw the haken part off Bardiche at Nanoha

Right:
shouted Fate and threw the haken part off Bardiche at Nanoha.

As for the commas, you need to employ them to help separate your sentences more. Use a comma at the end of a spoken section as well:

Wrong:
“Round Shield” said Fate’s

Right:
“Round Shield,” said Fate’s

Make sure to use the correct endings on stuff as well. (though I guess this goes back to using periods.

Wrong:
“Wow the food looks so good Fate-Chan”

Right:
“Wow the food looks so good Fate-Chan.”

Also, don't use different writing styles in the same story. If you're going to script, then stick with script. If you're doing prose, then only use prose.

Wrong:
“yeah *try’s a bit off the food* wow its really good.”

Right:
“yeah," She tried a bit of the food. "Wow, its really good.” s

Besides that, make sure only one person talks in a paragraph. Think of it like this: each paragraph "belongs" to someone. Whoever owns the paragraph is the one speaking and doing the action. Also, since you are focusing on two females, only have "she" and "her" refer to whoever owns the paragraph.

By this, I mean if Nanoha owns the paragraph, all actions will use Nanoha. "She raised her arm" in that paragraph means the she is Nanoha and not Fate. If you need Fate to make an action, you might want to make a new paragraph. Try to keep each paragraph at least 3 sentences long if possible, but if they are speaking as well, then only two sentences will be okay. This ensures that the reader always knows who the verbs belong to.

For characters, try to picture the people actually doing it and think about it before writing it down. For example, would you randomly shout out 'I love you' really loudly to someone completely out of the blue while playing video games? Would Nanoha or Fate do that, for that matter? This is what makes characters "Out of character" and can really destroy a fic bad if not used properly. Now don't get me wrong, you can make them OOC and still pull it off if done properly ( my fics are mainly OOC, but everyone accepts this because it's MY fic, and I have my own versions of the characters.)

Now, while I wouldn't say this fic is "Great" but I would say that you are trying. It takes a lot to post something up for other people to read, especially when they can easily hurt your feelings. I say try it again. If it isn't too long, I can look over it again and offer some more advice if you want. Like I said before, my earlier post wasn't meant to be harsh, but more 'to the point' since I was typing it out on my phone and not at a keyboard, so sorry if that hurt your feelings any. :3

Reinforce X's picture
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Joined: 08/11/2010
Posts: 10

i can understand all your saying and thanx for the advice i'll keep it in mind

Nanonymous
Nanonymous's picture

i think its ok but its seems a bit rushed but it's still a good story please continue