hello! this is my first time doing a fanfic, all critics all accepted, this is only the prologue, its gona be a nanofate story but a little diferent
Destiny Breaker
Prologue
There was fire, dead bodies all over the place, the land had changed its shape into a wasteland, in the middle of it, 2 magicians could be seen:
Magician 1: “So it was really sealed huh? How long will the seal last?”
The fist magician asked, presenting wounds all over his body, barely standing, his device fissured all over.
Magician 2: “I don’t know, perhaps 800 years… maybe 900”
The second magician stands also but with a sad look on his face took his device.
Magician 1: “But to think that from 30 magicians top class inside the barrier and 50 outside keeping the barrier, only you and I survive inside, and most of the outside magicians where scattered by the after explosion”
The magician was feeling funny, like if it were a bad yoke or something.
But it wasn’t to be unexpected, it was meant to be that way, almost unstoppable, the miracle was that they could seal it.
Magician 2:”I have to make the modifications, i don’t have much time, they will be here soon”
The magician took is device that was in his hands and stated to casting something onto the book.
Magician 1:”so you really are going to do it? Betray your knights? I never understand that side of you, they were great, Signum was an example of loyalty even thought you treat her so bad, Vita was also a fun knight, always getting angry by little things, but even so you still…”
Magician 2:”I was…happy to be their master…I was proud”
The first magician was more than surprised by his friend’s words, so surprised that it pissed him.
The second magician notices that and couldn’t help but make a smile and, without stopping what he was doing answered his friend question:
Magician 2:”it must be… really awful to be summoned again and again, to serve masters that don’t deserve your loyalty… but it most be worst to appreciate your master…and see him die again and again, I think I preferred to be hated and forgotten than to be loved and be a burden”
The magician said while making the modifications to the book, trying to be concentrated.
His friend kind of understands the words, even trough he couldn’t accept them.
Magician 2:”Even if I hate myself for doing this, this kind of magic must disappear, just look at this place”
Magician 1:”That’s your excuse for modifying the tome of the night sky?”
Magician 2: “that magic must disappear, even I don’t know if the modifications will be effective, but as long as it erases that magic from it. I must take the chance for future generations!”
Magician 1: “even if it will kill you in the process? For a “king of the night sky” you aren’t very cleaver are you?”
Magician 2:”heh maybe not, but I couldn’t make any other choice. You know what to do after this right?”
The magician keeps his work going, almost finishing it.
Magician 1:”let me see, destroy every trace of that magic from existence and knowledge for the world, and create a brotherhood to make sure that no one will ever come close to it, it seem that you picked up the easy way”
The second magician looked weaker and weaker.
Magician 2:”Dont say that...this is the end…I am terribly sorry for what I am doing, Signum, Vita, Shamal, Zafira, but that magic must disappear, even at the cost of my soul and your corruption, may the future brings you freedom from this curse, I don’t ask forgives, and I hope that in that future, magicians greater than ourselves will take care of it, for we could not”
Closing his eyes he finished, in that same instant, the book disappear, and the magician fell to the ground and never move again.
Magician 1”…”
He wanted to say something but decided to leave the scene with no words and only thoughts.
Magician 1: (may the future bring freedom huh? Then I will work hard so that future be liberated from that magic,and the maddness that was bring with it, and to create the brotherhood that not only lock it, but to also collect and protect from evil forces all magical treasures)
With thoughts of hope and commitment, that magician created what would be later called the TSAB.
And so 1200 years pass.
Vivio:” mama! I’m going to school!”
Nanoha:” ok be careful, I’m going to work”
Vivio: “Hey mama, today fate-mama is returning right?”
Nanoha frozen for an instant before answering
Nanoha: “Yes…she is coming today, would you like to come with me later to pick her up?”
Nanoha make a smile to her daughter.
Vivio: “Yeah!!”
And so the little girl leaves.
Nanoha: “Yeah…she is coming today…the question is why”
Nanoha talked to the one that wasn’t there, of course she was worried, fate was suddenly called by the TSAB “Fate T. Harlaown has to immediately return to Mid-Childa and stay there until further notice”
But not only that, strange things started to happen all over the TSAB, 5 magician where found death near some facilities, and a strange message came to all departments of the TSAB before Fate sudden call back
“WE WILL BE ONLY ONES TO REACH THE ORIGIN, BEWARE-----THE WHITE WOLFS”
What was that message? Why can’t the TSAB detect the origin of it?
Nanoha: “what is about to begin?”
She could only hope that some answers came once her wife returned today.
Interesting, I think it will be a good story in the future, but you need some spell checks here and there, (not That I should critisize xD)but other then that I like it. Keep at it and I'm sure it will go well ^ ^
Interesting beginning, just a few spelling errors, but nothing to worry about. ^^
I'm curious to what'll happen in the following chapters.
As I told you...start writing. That is the only thing you can do right now. Spell check and stuff afterwards, right now just express your thoughts on the story you want us to see. As for it being a prologue, its actually pretty nice.
Can't wait tah see how this progresses Zero, 'tis a very nice start of you ask me.
Interesting, so Fate's body seems to degenerate because she's a clone, and they'll have to ask Jail about it ?
I'm curious what our favorite crazy mad scientist will say.
Wow this is really interesting i can wait for more and good job :3
I, I don't know what tah think of this. This reminds me of another fic by the way, something about Fate dying slowly and Nanoha going into a type of depression about it. Anyways, good job with this chapter, can't wait for the next.
Interesting so far! Will be popping back in to read the rest, for sure :)
I like it ^^
very excited for more...please update soon!
Hm, I'll give you some tips since you asked for it, but even I'm not perfect, so follow them at your discretion.
1. Try writing numbers as "one" and not "1". It gives your piece a more professional look. Also a larger number like "26" should be written as "twenty-six".
2. When writing dialogue, don't use the colons. A story is not a script Another thing about dialogue is that it's just as important to use it for visualization, as to an actual paragraph or phrase used to describe the situation.
Hayate: Hey Fate-chan, how are you?
Fate: Everything is fine, but I wish Nanoha would stop flipping my skirt.
Hayate turned around and grinned at Fate, "Hey Fate-chan, how are you?"
"Everything is fine," Fate paused and sighed, "but I wish Nanoha would stop flipping my skirt."
See? There's a big difference, and the section option looks a lot more human than the first option when it was just two robots talking.
3. For your typos, it's okay. Honestly, when I first started writing fanfiction when I was around thirteen or so, I was much, much worse... I didn't have microsoft word, I had very little knowledge of grammar, and well... I was pretty much as dumb as a rock (though I still am)! All you have to do is keep practicing and watching other authors. :] Actually, a better idea would be to become an author's apprentice. I've had a few of my own, and now they're off doing who knows what. o_o; I probably destroyed their careers as ff writers. :P
Don't rely on Microsoft Word, that stuff is only good if someone has a firmer grasp of grammar, and even with that, Word can still cause a lot of problems. A running joke in my stories is "Fate Testosterone" mostly because Word wouldn't accept "Testarossa". Fail, I know right? :P But what Word lacks, a real person can compensate for it.
4. Never be afraid to ask for help! We're all writers here in one form or another. If we want people to realize the pure epic win and awesomeness of NanoFate, we have to band together and help each other out. No one is perfect (except for Fate), we need someone else to complete us and fill in what we lack. For me, it's my wife that completes me. I do the writing and I think I'm doing pretty well at that, but what I lack is a good grammatical know-how, and this is where my pretty lady comes in. She corrects and guides me in the right path (although at times she's just there to annoy me).
So please, never be scared to reach a hand out and ask, because I'm sure there's someone out there who will accept that hand, but if you ask, I'd gladly help. =)
/endstupidity
Now back to my watermelon. Omnomnomnom. - 3-;
Np, np. I just thought I could help in someway or another since you've contributed so much to this website. :)
I got yo back bro! <:
ooh interesting story!
those are great tips yuki-san!!
well, update soon.
Oh no ! our favorite crazy mad scientist is dead, TwT, I'll miss him...
The plot thickens, a new ennemy appears in the shadow, I'm curious to see the next part of the story.
interesting!! the plot sure thickened.
ah, i'm so sad for those two (N&F).
Nice work Virus-san! I did not expect that! You becoming more like...*kof* Kof* Er...nevermind.
I liked the whole change a writing styles too. I can't wait for the next chapter. Update soon~
BTW Keep up the good work, I can see your progessing just fine. Pish-posh! Who needs Microsoft works! xD
Apparently Isaac's family is really unlucky °.°; I'm curious to his possible connection to the Tome of the Night Sky.
I'm not surprised at Fate's decision at the end of the chapter, she always think of Nanoha's safety before her own (I'm sure Nanoha will still do anything in her power to save her beloved).
I'll look forward to the next chapter.
Its good and give a tinge of mystery here.. like it so much, but I only have one prob.. can you make it into paragraph or leave some space in between too make it much easier to read? thank you and no rush =)
Great job Virus-san~ There, were few mastakes, but they were less then the others :D, your getting better at this really fast. Can't wait for the next chapter!
(poor Fate-chan!)
The plot thickens, and so, the book of origins is linked to the TSAB creation.
I don't know who's the mastermind behind this, but he seems to like playing the chessmaster, I'm curious to see what'll be its next move, since Nanoha will be its target, and more importantly who or what will be his new "piece".
Wow that was intense! I also like how you changed the format, it made things easier to read and such. I'm really enjoying this Fic, I don't know why, but WOW I can't wait for the next update~
I'm curious who will be the two people for Hayate's unit, and more importantly, Nanoha's decision. Like Raising Heart said to her, the most important thing when taking an really important decision, is what she really desire to do.
Looking forward to the next chapter !
yeah mi english inst the best, even when i used microsoft word on english, it still give me some errors, i am sorry for it, thanks for the coments! i will try my best to update it once a week, its not gonna be a long story, but it will have some interesting things.