Well here is the first chapter of Kirstie Anne's and my collaboration story. Hope you enjoy!!
My life has always been a helpless one. Even when I was younger, I knew that my life was nothing more than what it was. My life was useless and my mom would take every chance she had to remind me of that.
So it wasn’t surprising when my mom abandoned me. A part of me had always known that she would leave. I couldn’t be like Alicia, so why would she stay? I was nothing, so I was prepared to live my useless life alone.
A woman by Lindy Harlaown adopted me. She was a nice lady and had a son named Chrono. My adopted mother loved and cared for me, but it didn’t take away the loneliness I felt inside of my heart.
I remember going to the playground as I always did after school. I would watch all the other kids playing with their friends and having fun. I was so jealous because I had no friends and I wanted one badly. And out of nowhere….she appeared.
She was a cute brunette with blue ocean eyes. I was shocked when she came up to me asking if I wanted to play with her. No one had ever asked me that before, so I was a little hesitant, but I agreed anyway.
I had never laughed or had so much fun in my life and it was all because of the little brunette named Nanoha. We would always play together at the playground and when I found out that she lived next door to me, we were practically inseparable.
Even after the years passed, Nanoha and I were still always together. Thinking back to those days, I noticed that my life didn’t feel so useless anymore. I had never been so happy in my life and it was all because of Nanoha. She even helped with my relationship with my adoptive family and she made me realized that they were just important to me as she was.
Nanoha…. was my everything. She was always my ear to talk to. She was my shoulder to cry and lean on. She was my rock….the only one that could keep me happy. She was my best friend and that was how I always wanted us to be.
One day, Nanoha had called me and said that she needed to talk with me about something. I had noticed that her voice wasn’t as cheerful as it usually was, but very sad. I rushed over her house to find her room dark and gloomy. Nanoha lay slumped over on the edge of the bed with her head down. I was so worried about her. Nanoha was usually cheery and could easily light up the room. Now…I couldn’t even describe it.
I called out her name, but she didn’t answer. I made my way over to where she was, touching her shoulder as I called her name out again. She looked at me this time. Her eyes were puffy with cheeks stained with tears. I was really scared right now. What was going on with her and when I asked, I still didn’t get a reply.
She just sat there and I just stood there looking at each other. I was waiting for her to say something….anything. Then she moved.
She removed herself from the bed and stepped closer to me….closer than she had ever been. It shocked me to the point that I didn’t know what to do. So I just stood there not really knowing what was going to happen next.
What happened next confused me. Nanoha’s hands caressed my face. That wasn’t what confused me because Nanoha would do that from time to time, but what confused me was how she caressed me. It seemed more….intimate than how it would usually feel.
I tried really hard to figure out what was going on with Nanoha, but her face held so many emotions at that moment that I couldn’t figure it out. Her hands stop moving and her fingers trace my lips as she looked at them intently. I didn’t know why, but a shiver ran down my spine. I didn’t know what that shiver meant, but it was forgotten when something else replaced it as Nanoha’s lips touched mine.
I stood there wide eyed. Nanoha was kissing me. Why? I thought back to her eyes before she kissed me and it became clear to me. Nanoha was in love with me. I was shocked at the new revelation and the kiss on top of that. But for some reason, I didn’t push her away. And for some other reason, I found myself kissing her back.
I had never felt anything like this before. It was my first kiss. I never knew that it would be so….electrifying. I found myself feeling the need to explore this feeling more. And so I ran my tongue across Nanoha’s lips, which she immediately opened and allowed me to explore her. She tasted so sweet and it was so addicting that I wanted more of it, but I had to catch my breath.
I hadn’t realized what was going on until Nanoha looked at me with desire radiating from her eyes and leaned in towards me again. I stopped her though. What was going on? I was so confused and overwhelmed at what I was feeling that I had to leave and so I ran out of her house before anything else could happen.
I wasn’t mad because she kissed me. It was the fact that I didn’t mind Nanoha kissing me that scared me more. And because of that, came my next problem. Was I gay?
I never really thought about what I wanted when it came to dating or being in a relationship. Truthfully, I never really thought about boys or girls. All I was worried about was Nanoha. Since the day she came into my life, she took over my world. And when she was around, all I saw was her. Did that mean that I was gay because of that….because I always wanted to be with Nanoha? I didn’t know and it made me really frustrated with myself.
That kiss changed everything for me. My mind was always occupied with unwanted thoughts about Nanoha…about myself. I had never been so doubtful about myself in my whole life and I couldn’t figure out why. Why was I reevaluating myself?
It was clear from the kiss that Nanoha was in love with me, but was I in love with her? I loved Nanoha. She was my best friend, so of course I loved her. But why did I not break the kiss and why did I kiss her back? Why did it feel so right for me to kiss her and for her to kiss me?
I didn’t want to give an answer to that because it could mean only two things. It would mean that I was in love with her as well and that I was gay. Was I even ready to admit that?
Being gay wasn’t accepted at all. There wasn’t anything good that could come out of being found out as being gay. There was always danger, whether it was verbal, physical or emotional. And I continued to think over and over in my mind….was I ready to face that danger? And I knew the answer right away….I wasn’t. So in order to run away from my internal issue, I avoided it, which meant I avoided Nanoha.
Avoiding Nanoha was the hardest thing that I had to do. How could I avoid her when she was the main source of my happiness? She was the reason I could live life, but I had to do it in order to stay in denial.
Every time she would come around, I would walk the other way. Since we lived next door to each other, I was extra careful about running into her. I knew that my actions were hurting her and I was hurting because I knew that I was, but that was the only thing that I could do at the time.
And then one day….we ran into each other. She looked sad, I was looking terrible. Avoiding Nanoha wasn’t helping as much as I thought it would and it definitely was clear to me now, but I still didn’t want to talk about it.
We just stood there. I didn’t know what to say and it was clear that Nanoha had a lot to say but didn’t know how. After a deep breath, all I could say was that I was sorry for avoiding her and that I needed time to myself. Her face displayed so much pain. How could it not? If the tables were turned, I would be devastated. But even though it pained me, I thought I was doing what was best for us….or maybe what was best for myself. But she nodded and gave me the space that I needed.
As much space as I had, it wasn’t working. My mind was still in disarray. I felt so suffocated by my emotions that I just wanted to get away…..and so I decided to do just that. I had decided that after I graduated, I would leave. To go to some quiet place. Maybe then I could figure out what was going on with me.
I told my mom what I was going to do and she understood my actions. I just didn’t know if I should tell Nanoha about them. Was it wise for me to tell her or was it stupid for me to not to? After much debating, I decided to tell her. She was my friend and I thought that the least I could do was tell her that I was leaving for awhile.
I didn’t know how I was going to tell her, but I told her to meet me on my back porch later that night. Of course, the awkwardness was a given because we hadn’t talked or been in each other’s presence for a few months. But we couldn’t just stand there and say nothing. So I told her.
I waited for a reply, but didn’t get one right away. I had been expecting it, so I wasn’t surprised when it actually happened. I could tell she was hurt, confused, and her facial expression was very thoughtful. I wondered what she was thinking, but I knew that it wasn’t good.
When she did reply, all she said was that she was sorry. And I immediately knew that she was referring to the kiss. She must have thought that I was leaving to get away from her, but before I could tell her, she attempted to leave.
Her face showed surprise when I grabbed her arm to stop her. It even surprised me. We hadn’t touched in so long and it felt almost strange to touch her again, but I didn’t want her to leave like that. I didn’t want her to leave thinking that the reason I was leaving was solely because of her.
And my heart broke. It broke because I had caused her further pain and that I had caused the tears threatening to fall from her eyes. And without thinking, I pulled her into my arms and held her tightly. I held her as she cried….I cried that night too.
After calming down, I released her. Softly wiping the tears away before placing her cheeks within my hands; caressing them softly. I told her that I was leaving not because she kissed me, but because that kiss made me feel something that I wasn’t ready to admit to myself. I told her that I needed time to figure myself out and when I did, I would come back to her and I hoped she would welcome me with open arms.
She surprised me when she smiled. Oh how I had missed seeing it and it made me happy that I could see it once again before I left. She grabbed my hands and held them tightly, before saying that she would wait as long as it takes. I couldn’t help but smile at those words. It made me very happy to know that.
We stood there in silence. Still looking in each other’s eyes as I caressed her cheeks. That was the first time that I actually wasn’t sure if I wanted to leave. Could I actually go without seeing Nanoha? She meant the world to me. So could I actually leave her for who knows how long? I knew that I couldn’t, but it was what had to be done. Maybe that would make us stronger in the long run, but it was still hard.
I noticed how beautiful Nanoha was under the moonlight. She was like an angel….she was my angel. Something came over me in that moment and I leaned in. Her eyes closed slowly as our breaths collided. I was so close that I could feel her lips, but at the last second, I moved and placed a kiss on her cheek.
I wasn’t ready to go there yet, but I made sure that the kissed lingered on her cheek. I at least wanted her to know that she had some place in my heart, even though I wasn’t sure where exactly.
When I pulled away, burgundy bore into blue and vice versa. And I told her that I loved her and I meant it even though I didn’t know what type of love it was. She told me the same and after saying our good-byes, that would be the last time we saw each other for many years.
How naïve I was back then to not realize that I was head over heels for this girl. It took me many years after I had left and attempting to date guys to figure it out. No matter who I was with, I couldn’t get her face out of my mind. Avoiding Nanoha didn’t help. Leaving didn’t help either, because even after five long years, I would always end up thinking about Nanoha.
And that’s when I accepted it. I accepted the fact that I loved Nanoha and that I was gay because I couldn’t deny it anymore. There was nowhere for me to escape, so I came to embrace it. It was something that I couldn’t control and as much as I wanted my feelings for her to stop, it didn’t. It seemed to grow in fact. And holding on to those feelings and with my sexual orientation, I finally felt whole and had some sort of internal peace.
It’s been so long since I’ve been home. I’m a little scared to go back. It’s not because of my family or friends, but one person in particular. Nanoha.
How was I going to face her? I left her….I left our friendship. What would she think of me when we would meet again? If we even meet again. Maybe that’s what scares me the most. What if Nanoha wouldn’t want to see me? What then? Would she be waiting for me like she said?
I don’t know, but I want to make things right between us even if I didn’t deserve it….deserve her. So now is a great time more than ever to do what I should have done a long time ago.
I think it’s time to go back home and get the woman that I love.
Mhm, very nice Sam me lad, hope tah see more of this soon.
Looks like it'll be an interesting story, I'm eager to see the next chapter.
Yay! Another Sam-chan journey of NanoFate phantasmagoria!
10 gold coins to Yuki says that Yuuno's somehow wormed his way into Nanoha's heart in the absence which leads to a love triangle.
I will be pleasantly surprised if I'm wrong.
Oh, I read this one a time ago in fanfiction.net, good stuff.
I can't wait for your next update~
Fate's return back home is heartwarming, I wonder what'll happen with Nanoha.
Chapter 3: Nanoha enters, and Yuuno comes in after, introduces himself as her boyfriend. Fate's heart falls apart. Bettin' 10 more gold on this. Make me lose!
Behind Nanoha Hayate or Subaru shows up with a happy face :D
Well after reading this story from start, I wonder why Nanoha would get a boyfriend, after all she was the one who thought everything through and had courage to kiss Fate first, meaning discovering she may be gay(like girls in general), which took Fate so much more time to realise.
So giving Nanoha a proper girlfriend instead of standard Yuuno bf story, be it Hayate or Subaru, would be more interesting :P
Fate wouldn't have a boobs advantage this time :D
The time they share together is sweet. :3