Skip to main content

[Fanfic]Twofold [New:Ch03]

9 replies [Last post]
jumpy-kun's picture
Offline
Joined: 12/09/2010
Posts: 78

CHAPTER 1

Spoiler:
"I never loved you..." The voice was nostalgic. It was from someone in the past she held so dear, only to be betrayed in the end.
It echoed throughout the entire place, and everything was pitch black.
"M-mother!-"

"Guu- A dream, huh." whispered the woman with the blonde hair as she sighed. "How long has it been since I last had that kind of dream?"
"We are just a few minutes from our destination. Please check your belongings and make sure everything is fine."
The rough voice from the intercom puts the just then light-headed Fate back into her senses.
"Almost there, hu-" *beep*
An alarm interrupted Fate. "N-Nanoha?" As she answered the call. "I wonder if something's wrong."
"Nanoha, how are you doing? It's very unusu-"
"Don't mind about me." Nanoha's voice seemed to be filled with anxiety. "I don't know why, but I suddenly had this really bad feeling. I couldn't help but check on you. Are you okay? Anything weird happening around you? Nanoha seemed to be on the verge of tears.
"I'm just fine, Nanoha." Replied Fate. "It's just the usual mission. You're worrying too much."
"I-I don't know, Fate-chan. I can't explain why, but I just had a bad feeling about that mission. I can't help but worry about you! Can't you jus-"
"We have arrived at our destination"
Again, the rough voice from the intercom interrupted.
"I-I have to go, Nanoha. Like I said, I'm just fine. Don't worry too much about it."
"O-okay, take care, Fate-chan. I love you." As Nanoha replied with her voice starting to get rough from being about to cry.
"Yeah, me too. Bye."
-•-

"So you're the agent the Bureau sent, huh. And you're a woman."
"Yes. Agent Fate Testarossa Harlaown reporting."
"Tch. Testarossa, huh." The man suddenly clicked his tongue.
"Is this guy somewhat related to..." as Fate thought in her mind, keeping her cool, tried to ignore it.
"A-anyway. Everything used to be fine in this area until two weeks ago. We have been receiving assaults on our crews at random places. We want you to keep a check on that, who OR what the perpetrators are, and their purpose."
"Understood." As Fate replied with confidence.
"If you get it, then leave." Replied the man starting to get grumpy. "This guy will show you to your room. Your luggage are already delivered there as well."
"Yes, I understand."
And the two left the room.
-•-

The hallways are wide. There are windows every meter. Outside, you can see a very busy scenery. People doing their jobs, cargoes being delivered, lift trucks, buildings. It was the sight of a typical base.
"So, you're the famous Agent Harlaown, huh?" Says the young guy in a soft voice.
"What was that?" Fate replied in question.
"I said, so you're that famous agent a lot of people were talking about."
"Y-yes?"
"You're pretty well known, you know?" A woman working as an agent, beautiful, intelligent, and really strong. Even my sister wants to be like you." Says the young man with great enthusiasm. "Can I get a picture together with you later?"
There's nothing great about me, really." Fate responded in a down voice.
"Oh come on, don't be so modes-" *BANG*
A huge sound was heard. The ground suddenly started to shake, as if something big from the sky fell, causing an aftershock.
*WANG* *WANG*
The alarms sounded off.
"W-we're directly under attack?!" The young man, who had very little in experience, started to panic and ran off.
"Get a grip of yoursel-" *THUD* *THUD*
Debris of the building fell on top of the young man, squashing him into bits. Blood was all around the floor.
"Ugh." Fate reacted, with remorse on her face.
*BOOM*
More explosions were heard and the building was collapsing more and more. Debris were falling on top of Fate.
"Bardiche!"
"Yes sir."
*BANG*
Fate fired off at the debris falling on top of her, and makes a way out.
"J-just what is happening?" Fate wondered in her thoughts as she escapes of the now reduced to ruins base she was supposed to stay for the mean time. "Everything is just ridiculous. It's just too massive for something so random. And they managed to stay undetected until no-"
Fate was suddenly left speechless at the sight of everything in front of her. Everyone was in disorder, everything was in chaos. For a supposed to be base, nothing was standing. Countless numbers of bodies are lying on the ground.
"T-this is..."
Fate, speechless and unable to move, was trying to process everything that which is in front of her.
*BZZ* *BANG*
"Protection"
Something fired at Fate. She was startled to see something that was very familiar. It was something like a sphere of energy with electricity flowing around. Yes, it was similar to what she used to use.
Then a figure suddenly came rushing at her.
*FLASH MOVE*
The figure moved so fast, Fate was having a hard time keeping up with it. She can even barely see it. She had no choice but to dodge by intuition.
"S-so you're the one who did this." Fate mumbled as she tried to retaliate.
"Zanber Form"
*CHIG* *CHIG* Bardiche reloads cartriges, and changes its form to a magnificent broadsword.
*CLANK* *CHINK*
Sparks fly around as Fate exchange blows with the unknown figure, always moving too fast to exactly see how it looks like. But something was bothering Fate. The way they fight seems so familiar. She can read and understand her opponent's move, but at the same time, it was the same case for her opponent. It was an evenly matched fight. Little by little, Fate manages to get a glimpse of what that mysterious figure looked like. She's seen enough to see that the weapon was a scythe. The more she gets a view of the figure, the more anxiety fills Fate.
"Haken Saber"
Fate was taken by surprise as a very familiar voice spoke as the move was initiated. It was the move she used to do. Not only that, but the voice was also the same as hers.
"Protection" *CLANK*
Fate parries the boomerang that was aimed at her.
"W-what did just-"
The figure suddenly rushed at Fate, who was still stunned by the turn of events.
*SLASH* *SPLURT*
Blood was flying over the air. Fate, who was still trying to process which is which, was fatally wounded somewhere along her stomach.
"U-UGH!" Fate tries to cover her wound with her left hand, but the blood was flowing continuously. Pain was inevitable. "Hah... Hah..." Fate started to pant, as the figure, who used to keep moving continuously, came to a halt.
"J-just w-what..." Fate is shocked by yet another revelation as she saw that mysterious figure's form. The anxiety just grows bigger. Fate was overwhelmed at that figure that is standing in front of her. That silhouette. That golden hair. Those captivating red eyes who seems to be suffering from deep agony. That black barrier jacket. That cape.
*SPLURT*
"UGH!" Fate pukes out some blood. "Who are you?!"
The figure that looked exactly like she was few years ago was in front of her, silent and looking down, coldly with those eyes that seemed to be burning at Fate who seem to fall anytime soon.
-•-

To be continued...(or not) >,<

---
This is my first time, ever, writing a fanfic. A lot of stories run randomly across my mind, but I just usually leave them at my imagination.

But this one came into when I was lying in my bed about to sleep last night, I just suddenly felt the urge to write this down.

I'd really appreciate it if you take the time to read. Comments are greatly welcomed, but please take it easy on me. >,<

---

<a href="http://nanofate.us/content/fanfictwofold-newch03#comment-16459">CHAPTER 2</a>

<a href="http://nanofate.us/content/fanfictwofold-newch03#comment-16498">CHAPTER 3</a>

Nanoha-san's picture
Offline
Joined: 02/15/2010
Posts: 936

=O I say....continue!! > <

Nice start, kind of a cliffy in the end (BIG CLIFFY! >=O) but that's how most stories start, no? :P

I find it sweet that Nanoha knows how Fate is feeing, even though they are so far apart. I wonder who that mysterious figure is, and how she knows her~ Anyways, this is great, even though it is your first time writing, I'm actually wondering if you are lying because it seems like you've written before xD Natural~

Great start again, and I hope to see an update soon!~

Sigurd's picture
Offline
Joined: 05/30/2010
Posts: 903

feeing? >.> Sure.

*whisper* The NPP is starting to infect the forum D: *whisper*

Anyway good fic... but I suggest you start being a bit more descriptive of your surroundings @_@; I couldn't tell if you were in a base or what.

Courtesy of: ayahdiamon -- http://ayah4186.deviantart.com/ --

langrisser's picture
Offline
Joined: 08/22/2009
Posts: 1379

Nanoha was right when she said she feels somthing bad would happen.
I have one or two candidate in my mind who could the mysterious agressor.

I look forward to your next chapter.

jumpy-kun's picture
Offline
Joined: 12/09/2010
Posts: 78

I'm not lying when I said first time writing. Anyway, thanks for the comments guys.
Btw, here's the next chapter:
----

CHAPTER 2

Spoiler:

"Strum Falken"
*BOOM*
The figure dodges the arrow that came from a long distance.
"Back up, huh." Murmured that familiar figure as she hastily try to escape the scene.
"Testarossa!"
A deep voice shouted. It was from a knight Fate knew for years, a great ally. The knight rushed to Fate as fast as she could. "Hang in there! The medic's going to be here soon."
"S-Signum-" Fate, exhausted from enduring the unbearable pain, uttered her last words as she collapsed.
*THUD*
Signum flew as fast as she could, but she wasn't able to catch Fate as Fate fell on the ground.
-•-

A dark room. Everything is pitched black.
A figure, so nostalgic, appears in front of the blonde girl who appears to be dejected.
"You are a failure. No matter what you do, you'll never become Alicia!" These voice, the voice of someone Fate yearned for so much, so nostalgic, but brings nothing but pain, piercing through like a sharpened spear.
"I never loved you!"
"I never loved you!"
"I never loved you!"
Words that echoed throughout the entire place repeatedly as Fate was unable to do nothing but listen to it over and over. Fate had no choice but the cry as those words pierce through her heart time and time again.
"I NEVER LOVED YOU!"
"YOU ARE A FAILURE!"
Fate was frightened as she saw the face from where the voice was from. The person she used to call mother, someone she used to held so dear. Fate could only cower as she remembers that dark past. Until a warm light came and appeared. The once pitch black room is now being enveloped by the warm light, and Fate's pain was healed, almost like in an instant.

"Fate-chan! Fate-chan! Fate-chan!"
Fate's eyes slowly open. A white room, medical machines all around, the smell of anesthetic, a beeping sound, and a figure of a woman.
"U-Uh...N-Na...no...ha...?" Fate tries to utter the name of the woman in front of her, clasping her hands so tight, and desperately repeatedly calling out her name.
"Fate-chan! Fate-chan! Fate-chan!" Nanoha repeatedly crying out as she grasps Fate's hand tighter.
"N-Nanoha, it hurts." Fate tried to smile as she greets Nanoha.
*THUD* The chair fell onto the floor.
Relieved to see Fate awake, Nanoha suddenly stood up with excitement. "Mou~ What do you think you're doing, idiot!" Nanoha tries to wipe out the tears that filled up her eyes moments ago.
Fate tries to sit up from the bed. "I'm sorry, Nanoha. I didn't intend to worr-"
*HUG*
Fate was interrupted by Nanoha. Nanoha, all of a sudden, hugged Fate as tight as she could. "Don't make me worry too much like that! Seriously! I didn't know what to do!"
"I'm sorry. I won't, again." Fate returns the hug.
"Promise?" Nanoha asked in a cutesy voice as she puts her face in front of Fate.
"Yeah, I promise." Fate replies, as their face closes each other.
Their lips touch.
*CHIG* The door suddenly opens.
"Nanoha, you should take-" The brunette with a red crossed hair lace enters and awkwardly stops. "-a rest."
*STARTLE*
The two suddenly try to get away from each other as soon as possible.
"I-I'm s-sorry for bothering. I should leave.'"
*TACK*
"H-A-Y-A-T-E-C-H-A-N" Nanoha spoke as she grabbed Hayate by the arm.
"Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Why do I see some sort of black aura behind you Nanoha?" Hayate tries to joke her way out of the situation. Whether there really was a dark aura or not, well...
"Oh, so you've come to, huh, Testarossa." As Signum enters the room together with a short red-haired girl.
"Ooh!" Exclaimed Vita. "Glad to see you okay now." As she walks near Fate. "Hey, hey! Listen to this. Signum carried you all the way to the medics. She was panicking a lot, and tried to rush the medics. She even threatened to hurt them! You must have seen her face. It's been a while sinc-"
*TONK*
A fist landed on Vita's head.
"Don't say any unnecessary things." Signum tries to be cool, but her face was bright red. "It's only natural to be concerned for a friend."
"Pfft."
"Friend? Bwahahahah" Vita burst up laughing. "It doesn't fit you!"
*TONK*
Yet another fist landed upon Vita's head.
"A-anyway, everyone was really worried about you. You were unconscious for a week, you know. It's glad to see you're okay now. Well, we won't be bothering you too much. We'll be taking our leave. Hayate says with a smile on her face.
Hayate's eyes widen up as she turned around and opened the door. "Tch, they're here already." Hayate's face suddenly turned bad as she murmurs as she left the room with Signum and Vita.
A man with glasses enters the room where there is now only Fate and Nanoha.
"I'm glad to see you've woken up. I've come here to pick you up." The man in glasses speaks with great pride.
"Can't you see she's still recovering?! You got to-" Nanoha tries to argue with the man.
"We need her testimony of the attack that had occurred, and it seems to me that Agent Harlaown has recovered already."
"Y-You!"
"It's okay Nanoha. I'm fine now."
"But Fate-cha-"
"It's part of my work. And besides, my body is fine now. My wounds have healed." Fate tries to persuade Nanoha.
"I'll be there soon. Give me a few minutes." as Fate turned to the man with glasses.
"Very well then. I'll be waiting at the lobby." The man walks away.
*THUD* The door closes.
*SCUFFLE*
Fate changes her clothes.
"Hey." Nanoha calls Fate with a concerned look. "Take care of yourself, okay?"
"I will." Fate responded.
And for one more time, the two kisses before they left the room.
-•-

Some place.
*TIK* *TIK*
Sound of water droplets can be heard. The tunnel was dark, and full of leaking pipes.
*TAK* *TAK* *TAK*
Footsteps can be heard. The footsteps stopped. There's a huge door in front of the figure.
*CHHHH*
Small debris falls down as the door suddenly opens. Inside was a huge space, but it was filled with computers and gadgets. It was still dark, nonetheless.
"So, someone saw you, huh." A cutesy voice suddenly spoke from the center of the room.
"Yeah, it was my mistake. Backups suddenly arrived." Replied the voice similar to Fate's. "I'm sorry. I'll be sure to clean it up."
"Don't worry about it. We'll just have to hunt whoever saw you down. It's just as easy as that." A deep male voice came from someone else.
"Yeah, we'll just have to do that."
-•-


----
Not much action happened. But that's the idea that came running my mind while I was drawing something.

As usual, comments are greatly welcomed.

langrisser's picture
Offline
Joined: 08/22/2009
Posts: 1379

I'm curious about what are the objectives of the mysterious group, but I'm sure Nanoha will have another reason to be worried for Fate.

jumpy-kun's picture
Offline
Joined: 12/09/2010
Posts: 78

I'm still trying to figure out something good for that. I want something with a twist. >,<

jumpy-kun's picture
Offline
Joined: 12/09/2010
Posts: 78

Chapter 03

Spoiler:

*TAP *TAP *TAP
The entire place was dark. Only the lights from monitor screens and gadgets give out what little illumination there is.
"Hoo~ now this is interesting." Says the little figure with a cutesy voice. "Heeey~ I got a hold of that agent's profile."
"Now, now, isn't that something?" The tall guy figure speaks with a deep voice.
The little girl, with blonde hair and red eyes was just silent.
"Well, I'm sure we'll meet again." Speaks another voice that came from another guy. His hair was green, and his eyes was purple on one and blue on the other. "Yeah, we will."
"She's an agent, after all."

-•-

"I'm home." Fate sighs from exhaustion as she entered the house.
"Oh!" A young girl with a right eye that sparkles like an emerald, and another that burns like a ruby, greets Fate. "Welcome back, Fate-mama!"
"Welcome back, Fate-chan." Nanoha goes to the hallway to meet Fate with a smile. "It's getting late Vivio. Time for you to go to bed."
"Yep! I will! I got to see Fate-mama after all." Vivio replies with excitement. "Oh, oh! By the way, I'll go sleep in the other room. It's been a while since you two have been together. I'll be a good girl, for now."
"Ah--ha-ha--" Fate smiles awkwardly. "O--Okay. Thanks Vivio, you're such a sweetie."
"Yup! Then, goodnight Nanoha-mama! Goodnight Fate-mama!" And Vivio enters a room and closes the door.
*CHIIIG* Silently~
"So you didn't tell Vivio." Fate looks at Nanoha.
"Of course! How could I tell her about that?!" Nanoha replies, somewhat a bit agitated. "I just can't."
"I get it Nanoha. You don't have to raise your voice." as Fate tries to calm Nanoha down.
"O-kay." Nanoha takes a deep breath. "So, have you eaten dinner?" Nanoha asks.
"I haven't." Fate replied with a smile.
"Good, cause Vivio and I fixed something for you." Nanoha responds with a smile similar of a wife offering her husband dinner.
The two went to the dining table. Food was already there.
"Oh, it looks delicious." Fate remarked after seeing the food.
The two took a sit beside each other and Fate started to eat. "It's delicious, Nanoha." as Fate speaks, with a tiny grain stuck on her cheek. "Na--Nanoha..."
*Munch*
Nanoha ate the rice on Fate's cheek. "Mou~ you're not a kid anymore, Fate-chan." Nanoha whispers closely at Fate.
"If I was, will Nanoha-mama take care of me?" Fate tries to respond seductively, and continues to eat.
Nanoha tries to pull her face closer to Fate, as if she's about to kiss.
"By the way, Nanoha, I'll be leaving immediately tomorrow. It seems that this case is getting underhanded." Fate suddenly mentions.
Nanoha was shocked. Her eyes widened up. "W-What are you talking about?! You just got home! You're not even fully recovered yet!"
"I'm sorry, Nanoha. This is part of my work. And besides I'm fine now." Fate speaks in an apologetic tone as she lowers her head a bit.
"No! You're not! I know it takes time to recover from something fatal! I just know it! I've been there!" Nanoha responds as her voice raises up. "I've been worried a lot about you, and now you're telling me you have to go?"
"But I can't just say no, it's the HQ's orders." Fate tries to argue, but in a low voice.
"Then I'll wreck them up--"
"Nanoha... please...."
"Mou~ I don't care anymore. Just do what you want!" Tears were about to fall as Nanoha leaves, feeling agitated and her heart burdened.
"I'm sorry. I'll try to get this done as soon as possible." Fate says to herself, still in a very apologetic tone.
Fate finishes the food her beloved has prepared, and washes the dishes. She walks on to Nanoha's room. The lights were off, Nanoha hiding inside a blanket, facing the other way.
"Nanoha, are you asleep?" Fate asks, but silence was her answer. Not a budge from Nanoha.
"I guess, you're mad at me, huh. I'm really sorry. I'll do this quick. I promise." Fate makes a monologue and leaves the room. "I can't sleep there now, can't I?" Fate tries to smile as she sighs.
Morning came, no one was awake. Fate had to leave early. Nanoha and Vivio were still in the rooms, so Fate left without any goodbyes.
-•-

*WHOP *WHOP *WHOP
A helicopter. The noise it makes were deafening. Fate was standing in the port as she waits for her pick-up.
*CHUG*
The chopper lands. A guy walks out and greets Fate. "Agent Harlaown?"
"Yes." Fate responds back.
"We'll be bringing you to our camp."
"Camp?" Fate questions.
"Yes, camp." The guy replied. "Ever since the base was destroyed to ruins, we just set up a camp until we resolve this incident. Though we call it a camp, we're undermanned. So we're looking forward to working with you."
"Likewise." Fate responds. And the two started to get inside the chopper.
As their travel proceeds, they passed by the once TSAB base that was attacked and is now just a pile of rubbish. Everything was laid to waste by that previous encounter that had almost cost the life of Fate.
*BOOM*
An explosion was heard. A sudden quake was felt. The helicopter was hit by something by its tail. Fire was visible. It was having a hard time maintaining composure.
"We're under attack!" The man exclaimed, as they try to get off. "Flying limits are removed. Please get yourself to safety. I can't guarantee you anything. I still have to check on the pilot."
"Understood." Fate replied. "Bardiche."
"Yes sir." And a light envelopes Fate as she put on her barrier jacket.
"This again huh." Fate thought in her mind as a ball of energy with lightning flowing around it comes her way. Fate dodges. "So we meet again." Fate, as she sees for the second time that girl with blonde hair, red eyes, same face, and somehow same barrier jacket that she used to wear. But the girl was just silent, and made her stance.
Several Photon spheres amass from the girl's side. Fate knew, it's going to be tough. Fate amassed several Photon spheres herself to counter the girl's move.
"Fire."
"Fire!"
Both of them fired their Phalanx Shifts, some hit another, and some just passed through. Both, relying on their speed, avoided the Photons as they rush against each other.
*CLANK *CHING
Sparks were flying everywhere. Both were able to avoid each blows aimed at another, as the tension increases. Both were almost equal in speed, but Fate was at a disadvantage. Her opponent's size is small, which makes it harder to aim at.
*SLASH*
Fate managed to hit a slight graze onto the little girl. And the wound starts to bleed. The fight continues.
*CLANK *CHING
More sparks flew. Fate got the upper hand, probably through experience. She's pushing back that little girl, who starts to lose her composure. Now the once cold and expressionless eyes start to express the will to defeat, and probably kill, Fate.
The little girl rushed in. Fate, on the other hand, stood, kept her cool, and feel the flow of the fight. She used the little girl's momentum as she rushed against her. The little girl fell out of balance. Fate knew, it was her chance.
"Lightning Bind"
Layers of lightning twirled around the girl's small and fragile-looking body, then tightens. Fate got a hold of her.
"Trident Smasher!"
Fate shot three beams simultaneously from the same firing-point, creating the illusion of a trident's blade. She thought she'd won.
"Seriously, you're so careless."
A deep voice of a man was suddenly heard.
*CHGG*
The lightning bind was broken.
*BLITZ*
A figure of a man, with a big axe raised up in the air, was behind Fate. Fate was surprised, unable to move. It was the sight of an assassin stealthily getting behind its opponent and ready to strike.
"It's over." The man with the deep voice smirks.
*WOOSH*
-•-

Here's chapter 3. Things just went that way. >,<

Sigurd's picture
Offline
Joined: 05/30/2010
Posts: 903

Ehmm... Try making sentences instead of fragments, make your story flow because it's tiring to read it when you just suddenly enounter periods(full stops).

For Example:
The entire place was dark. Only the lights from monitor screens and gadgets give out what little illumination there is.(original sentence)

Could be: The entire place is shrouded in darkness, only the lights coming from the monitors and gadgets illuminates the area.

or something.

For the sound effects describe it as you would hear it not just putting *CLANK* or *WHOOSH* or *WHOP WHOP*

Something like: A deafening roar of a chopper made Fate's head turn as she silently waited for it to land.

or something.

Finally last piece of advice: Describe the area/action as vivdly as you can, I get confused as to who do the hugs or where people are. Avoid phrases and the *ACTION/SOUND* bubbles, they aren't healthy.

Overall review: It's not a bad story, you just need to be able to describe stuff more.

Happy writing.

Courtesy of: ayahdiamon -- http://ayah4186.deviantart.com/ --

langrisser's picture
Offline
Joined: 08/22/2009
Posts: 1379

I think Nanoha will regret being mad at Fate, I hope she won't Starlight Break TSAB HQ.