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Legendary trios- Nanoha, Fate and Azoth fanfiction

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nanohaxfate's picture
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Joined: 08/23/2009
Posts: 154

First of all,I added three Amaranto characters. Amaranto is actually a yuri visual novel game. Oh and also based on Thunder Bird doujin

Prologue: Hate.

Nanoha and Fate are talking in the park. Fate notices Nanoha acting strangely and asks her why.
Nanoha: Fate-chan. Please leave me alone.
Fate: Why, Nanoha?
Nanoha: I…killed someone when you were sick.
Fate: Huh?! Who did you kill?
Nanoha: …I killed your mom, Precia Testarossa.
Fate: Seriously?
Nanoha: Yes. It was the only to escape from her place.
Fate: No wonder I was not informed at all.
Nanoha: Fate-chan…
Fate: I hate you, NANOHA!
Fate runs off leaving Nanoha alone. Nanoha did not chase after her.

Chapter 1: Mysterious Girl

Ever since that day, Nanoha and Fate are staying away from each other especially in school. Everybody tried to get the two back together again but they could not. 1 week later, Fate is staying in the park after school.
Fate: I wonder what I should do now. I have been staying away from her.
“HELP!” Fate heard a cry for help at a nearby building. She rushed towards the building. It was a building that had been abandoned by its previous owner.
Fate: From the rooftop?
Fate takes the nearest staircase and ran 5 floors up to reach the rooftop. Upon reaching the rooftop, she sees a girl biting a man’s neck.
Fate: Who are you?
???: ….
The mysterious girl walks towards Fate.
???: You seem to suffer from something.
Fate: How did you know?
???: I can see it in your face.
Fate: I….
???: My name is Azoth. What’s yours?
Fate: Fate, Fate Testarossa.
Azoth: That’s a nice name.
Fate: Really? (She is nice girl like her. But why she bites a man’s neck?)
Azoth: I would like to talk to you but I have to go now. Queen is picking me up.
Fate: Queen?
???: Hello, Azoth!
Fate turns around to see a woman with curly and blonde hair calling Azoth.
Azoth: Queen.
Queen: Hey, Azoth. This girl did anything to you?
Azoth: No. We just had a chat, that’s all.
Queen: I see. What’s your name, girl?
Fate: Fate, Fate Testarossa.
Queen: Nice name. Well I got to go now. Next time, Azoth and I will chat with you. Bye!
Azoth: Goodbye, Fate-chan.
As both of them left, Fate thinks, “Azoth, who is she? And she is the third person who calls my name and end with chan.”

Chapter 2: Nanoha.

Nanoha: Fate-chan… Sob sob.
A day has passed. Nanoha has been crying since Fate has been staying away from her. She is now at where she taught Fate to call her name.
???: Why are you crying?
Nanoha: ?
Nanoha turns around to see Azoth asking her with sympathy.
Nanoha: I did something bad to cause my girl friend to stay away from me.
Azoth: Eh?
Nanoha: Ever since I did that, we have been staying away from each other. Sob sob!
Azoth quickly hugs Nanoha to cool her down. She then let go.
Azoth: Feeling better?
Nanoha: A bit.
Azoth: One day, you will be reunited with your girl friend. I am sure of it. See you.
Nanoha: Huh, wait!
Azoth disappears.
Nanoha: That girl, who is she?

Chapter 3: Truth about Azoth.

Chrono, Lindy and Amy are wondering about the girl Fate told them about and they are investigating about her in the Infinity Library with Yuuno.
Amy: Azoth? I wonder if it is the same girl Nanoha had seen before.
Chrono: Speaking of them, they are still not together?
Yuuno: Yeah. They are always alone these days. Sometimes, they don’t talk to anyone else.
Lindy: And also, they don’t want to get involved in missions these days.
Arf: Hey, I found out something about this Azoth. She is actually a vampire.
Everyone: WHAT?!
Crono: We need to tell those two!
Lindy tries calling Fate and Naoha but their cell phones are off.
Lindy: They did not turn on their phone at all.
Amy: Man, we got to inform those two. Looks like we have to find them.

Chapter 4: Nanoha vs Nero

It is now night time. Nanoha is walking to the park alone. After she reaches, she sits on a bench nearby.
Nanoha: That girl, who is she?
???: Hello there.
Nanoha turns around to see a woman in a maid uniform.
Nanoha: Who are you?
???: My name is Nero. I am here to capture you, Takamachi Nanoha.
Nanoha: How did you know my name?
Nero: I can’t tell you that.
Nero takes out her rapier and gets ready to fight.
Raging Heart: Master!
Nanoha: Looks like I got no choice. Set up!
After Nanoha transforms into her barrier jacket, Nero smiles.
Nero: Don’t think you can win, Ace of the Aces.
Nanoha: Guess I am famous huh. Divine Buster!
A Divine Buster is shot at Nero. Nero just destroys the Buster with her rapier.
Nanoha: No way!
Nero: Heh.
Nero throws her rapier at Nanoha barrier jacket and it pierced through her barrier jacket.
Nanoha: Argh!
Nero: I just have to take you to Queen then.
Nanoha: Queen...
Nanoha fainted and Nero took her away. She soon reached a castle next to the park.
Queen: Who is that, Nero?”
Nero: One of those two who talk to her and also the Ace of the Aces.
Queen: Now time to launch the plan then.
Nero: Of course, Queen. Wait, where’s Azoth?
Queen: I locked her in her room since she gone out without permission today.
Nero: I see.

Chapter 5: Fate meets Azoth and Fate vs Nanoha

The next day, Nanoha is reported missing. Everyone is wondering where she can be. Fate decides to go to the garden where she and Nanoha spent time together to see flowers. She is surprised to see a familiar person there.
Fate: Azoth!
Azoth: Fate-chan!
Both of them greet each other happily
Fate: I just want to ask. Are you really a vampire?
Azoth: Yeah. You hate me now?
Fate: No I don’t hate you. Is just that I…
Azoth: Are you the girl friend of someone who broke up with you?
Fate: Wait, you met Nanoha?
Azoth: Just once. I heard she was missing.
Fate: Yeah.
Azoth: Why did you two break up?
Fate: She killed my real mom.
Azoth: Eh?!
Fate: Even though my real mom doesn’t care about me, I still care about her although I am just a clone of her real daughter.
Azoth: Fate-chan…
Nanoha: Well, Fate chan, you are here after all.
Azoth and Fate: !!!
They turn around to see Nanoha in her barrier jacket form.
Fate: Nanoha!
Nanoha: Don’t try to move.
Nanoha aims her staff at Azoth.
Azoth: !!!
Nanoha: Queen and Nero ordered me to take you home. So you better follow.
Fate: Nanoha, are you nuts?!
Azoth: Fate-chan, careful. She has been controlled.
Fate: Huh?
Azoth: Look at her eyes.
Nanoha’s eyes glow black color and she don’t show any sympathy.
Fate: NANOHA!
Fate transforms into her barrier jacket which shocked Azoth.
Azoth: You are a mage?
Fate: Yeah.
Nanoha: Hmph. Divine Buster!
Fate: Trident Smasher!
Both of their attacks clash together. However, Fate got pushed back instead.
Nanoha: Now die, Fate-chan.
Azoth: ….
Azoth walks towards Nanoha and slaps her face.
Nanoha: Ouch!
Azoth: Be ashamed of yourself!
Fate: Azoth…
Azoth: You don’t care about your girl friend after all? And you want to kill her?!
Nanoha: !!!
Azoth: I can’t believe you. Even though you got brainwashed, you really want to kill your own girl friend.
Nanoha: I…I…
Fate: Azoth, please move aside.
Azoth: Alright.
Fate kisses Nanoha lips deeply.
Fate: Nanoha, I am sorry. I was so stupid. You were doing it only because you cared about me and you had no choice.
Nanoha: Fate-chan…
Fate: Let’s go forward. We should remember not to let our future be like our past.
Nanoha: Yeah!
Fate and Nanoha hug each other tightly. They then turned to Azoth.
Nanoha and Fate: Azoth-chan, thanks for helping us out!
Azoth blushes.
Azoth: Well, I… actually like both of you, you know.
Nanoha and Fate: EH?!
Azoth: I fell in love with you two for the first time we met.
???: The fun is over.
Everyone: Huh?
Nero appears and grabs Azoth tightly.
Azoth: HELP!
Nero: Shut up!
Nero knocks Azoth out.
Nanoha: You! Let her go! Axel Shooter!
Nero just avoids that attack.
Nero: Come to the castle if you want to die. Goodbye.
Nero takes Azoth away.
Fate: Nanoha, are you alright now?
Nanoha: Yeah, sorry to make you upset these days.
Fate: Is alright. What’s more, Azoth reunited us, didn’t she?
Nanoha: Yeah. We owe her one. So let’s rescue her.
Fate: Of course! For now, let’s go home. We should see the others first.
Nanoha: Yeah.

Chapter 6: Azoth’s past

Everyone is glad Nanoha and Fate are together now. They are now in Crono’s house.
Signum: I am glad my rival is tougher than she look.
Fate: Mou, Signum!
Vita: Well same with Nanoha. She is tougher than she look.
Nanoha: Vita!
Shamal: Hehe, you two are really lovers.
Hayate: Best lovers among all.
Alisa: I agree.
Suzuka: Same here.
Nanoha and Fate: MOU! EVERYONE!
Crono interrupts.
Crono: Everyone, I want you all to see this in the monitor.
The monitor shows about Azoth. She was adopted in the orphanage and lives as a normal girl even though she is actually a vampire. However, one day, she was praying in church when the nuns got attacked by Queen and Nero. Queen used sweet words to get Azoth to follow her.
Everyone: ….
Crono: Not only that, she has the power to destroy the world if she wants to. Therefore…
Signum: Let me guess. You want us to get rid of her?
Crono: We might have to do that.
Nanoha and Fate: We have to disagree with what you said.
Everyone: Huh?
Nanoha: Azoth has a kind heart. We can’t simply get rid of her just because she will destroy the world with her power.
Fate: I agree. She helped me and Nanoha get back together. We will save her from her evil fate if we have to sacrifice our lives! Let’s go, Nanoha!
Nanoha: Yeah, let’s go Fate-chan!
Crono: You two, wait!
Fate: Don’t try to stop us or you are dead.
Crono: ….
Nanoha and Fate leave the others and head straight to Queen’s castle to rescue Azoth.

Chapter 7: Nanoha and Fate vs Queen and Nero

The two reach the castle. Surprisingly, Nero greeted them.
Nanoha and Fate: Nero…
Nero: Welcome you two.
Nanoha: Where’s Azoth?!
Nero: Be patient. I am ordered by Queen to take you two inside.
Fate: Fine. If you try anything bad, we will kill you off.
Nanoha and Fate followed Nero to the big living room where Queen is waiting for them with Azoth in her arms.
Nanoha and Fate: Azoth!
Azoth: Nanoha-chan, Fate-chan!
Queen: Don’t you dare move Azoth!
Azoth: Queen!
Queen: Nero, time to end this.
Nero: Yes, Queen.
Queen and Nero take out their rapiers.
Queen: You two will die here. Then, Azoth will be sad and use her power to destroy this world.
Fate: Zanber mode!
Nanoha: Excelion mode!
Queen and Nero: !!!
Nero: You are getting serious huh, Takamachi Nanoha. Hyah!
Nero strikes Nanoha on her face.
Raging Heart: Protection.
A barrier is formed and Nanoha is safe.
Nanoha: Excelion Buster!
Nero: N-No way.
Nero is blasted away to the wall.
Queen: Nero! You!
Fate: I am your opponent, Queen.
Queen: Fine.
Queen and Fate slash each other for some time. Nero suddenly jumps out and surprised Nanoha by striking through her barrier jacket.
Nanoha: AHH!
Fate: Nanoha!
Fate stops attacking and hugs Nanoha tightly.
Fate: Nanoha…
Nanoha: Fate-chan…
Nanoha suddenly vomited blood.
Nero laughs
Nero: She had been cursed, Fate Testarossa. Soon, she will die. You can’t save her even with your magic.
Fate: Nanoha…
Azoth: …
Azoth walks towards Nanoha and Fate
Queen: Azoth?
Azoth: Fate-chan, may I?
Fate: Okay.
Azoth kisses Nanoha deeply in the lips.
Inside Nanoha’s mind.
Nanoha: Where am I?
Azoth: Hello, Nanoha-chan.
Nanoha: This voice…Azoth-chan! Where are we?
Azoth: In your mind. This is one of my powers. I am trying to save you.
Nanoha: Azoth-chan…
Azoth: Now, let’s head back to where Fate-chan is.
Nanoha: Of course.
Back in real world, Nanoha opens her eyes
Nanoha: Fate-chan, Azoth-chan.
Fate: Nanoha!
Azoth: We are glad you are back safe and sound.
Nero: Azoth, what did you do?
Queen: Azoth?!
Azoth: Queen, Nero, I have decided. I am in love with Nanoha-chan and Fate-chan and I will not let you two hurt them!
Queen: Azoth, are you serious?
Azoth: Yes, Queen.
Queen: …Nero, kill them all.
Nero: Yes, Queen.
Azoth: Please borrow me your weapons.
Nanoha and Fate: Okay.
Azoth took Nanoha and Fate’s staff.
Nero: Azoth!
Azoth: Trident Smasher, Divine Buster!
Both blasts pushed Nero back to Queen. The whole castle starts to crumble.
Nanoha: Fate-chan, Azoth-chan, we got to go.
Fate: Yeah.
Azoth: You two go first. I will join later.
Nanoha and Fate nodded before heading out.
Azoth: Queen. Goodbye.
Queen: Goodbye, Azoth.
Azoth quickly heads out of the castle to join Nanoha and Fate. The three of them vow to protect each other and their friends.

Epilogue: Legendary trios.

Nanoha and Fate introduced Azoth to everyone. Crono wanted Azoth to be on trial as she had powers that can destroy the world but rejected firmly by Nanoha and Fate. A device was constructed based on Nanoha and Fate’s devices by their request. Days later, Azoth gets her new device.
Nanoha: What do you want to name her, Azoth-chan?
Fate: Give her a name that you think is most suitable.
Azoth: Alright. I will name her…Queen. Queen, set up!
Queen: Yes, Master!
Azoth transforms into Nanoha and Fate’s barrier jacket combination.
Nanoha and Fate: We are jealous.
Azoth: Hehe.
Months later, the three of them became the legendary trios. Not even Hayate and her knights can match them. The end.

P.S. Please comment

Jokulhaup's picture
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Joined: 04/10/2010
Posts: 417

First off, this is less of a fanfic and more of a script.

Secondly, your Azoth character comes out of nowhere, steals the spotlight, and refuses to give it back.

Thirdly, The plot needs to be rehashed completely, it was way too short for me to get a grasp on what happened.

Fourthly, there can only be one "Ace of Aces"

Fifthly, I didn't read the whole thing, I'll confess. I read the first part and the last part, but the general lack of cohesion and cognizance is a major turnoff.

Finally, I won't bother mincing words about it. This is pretty bad, if it's your first story, then it really shows.

Recommendations: Get a grasp on how to write in paragraphs. Learn to show, not tell. Use quotation marks, punctuation marks, etc. Try to make your characters more believable. Make an outline of your plot, then flesh it out. Add more details. Do not write in script format.

On the bright side: Your spelling is pretty good.

Check out my stories! Tell me what you think!
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Sigurd's picture
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Joined: 05/30/2010
Posts: 903

Straight to the point... Sorry ^_^; I completely agree with Jokul on this one....

In anycase: PRACTICE :)

Courtesy of: ayahdiamon -- http://ayah4186.deviantart.com/ --

FateSkyFire's picture
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Joined: 09/16/2010
Posts: 107

Agreed on all points there. If you need some help learning the grips of writing poke around other people stories and read up and learn.

Practice practice practice, and edit edit edit! <--- my advice

Happy writing!

nanohaxfate's picture
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Joined: 08/23/2009
Posts: 154

Thanksfor ur comments guys. I will remember it