[Fanfic] The Meaning of Us

It was almost half past midnight when I woke up. I tried to get up but she pressed her front closer to my back. I stopped immediately and carefully laid back. After all I didn't want to wake her up.

I closed my eyes in attempt to sleep again and waited. And waited. Minute by minute, time was passing by ever so slowly but somehow I stayed awake. In times like this I usually start to think. About me, about her, about... us.

Why am I here, with her, in the first place? It happened a few years ago. I woke up late at night having a nightmare. I was scarred, I couldn't help it so I went to Fate-chan's room and asked her if we can sleep together for that one night. She agreed but the bad dreams haven't stopped repeating themselves. And because of it, and Fate-chan being Fate-chan of course (she insisted to sleep with me after that), we somehow made a habit of sleeping together.

I can't say that I don't like it. In fact... it's rather the opposite. Despite all the playful comments from the rest of my family, considering our age. “Let them laugh if they want to. I'll always be there for you.” Her words were so simple yet they meant so much to me.

Needless to say, the two of us have always been close. We've been together whenever we could, always holding hands or just touching. There was a time when mom said that if she didn't know us, she would mistake us for a couple. It hurt. It still does, whenever I think about it. Because I cannot stop myself from imagining how things would go if we really were like that.

I wonder when it has begun. I have always liked spending time with her. When we started hitting our teenage years, I started to notice her more. In that way, I mean. She grew even taller than me (and our friends have always been saying that I'm the tall one), from a pretty girl she changed into a beautiful woman.

I really like looking at her. Her slender arms, ample chest, flat tummy, long, golden hair. Her skin is so smooth and pale but still gorgeous, with nice scent. Her body is always warm and soft.

And her eyes. God, how I love her deep, red eyes. They have that gentle and caring look, the one I want to be meant only for me. And I feel really selfish because of this one, little wish.

Sometimes I also feel a little guilty for taking pleasure in watching her like that. Or touching her like that. She doesn't know and that's why. She just smiles at me and hugs me, and I try to not think about anything perverted.

Anyway, I somehow knew that it may end up this way. As if I expected the feelings I have now. The point lies in realisation.

I realised everything about four years ago. We were heading home after school when that boy from our class appeared, telling her that he wanted to talk. I knew that he liked her. It wasn't the first time when someone was going to confess their feelings to her, she was very popular after all. But that time it was different. That time I was there, I saw it, I felt my breath becoming heavier as I silently waited for her answer. Even if I should be happy for her, I couldn't. So I excused myself and walked home, leaving her confused.

Back then I didn't know why I behaved like this, like a spoiled child, however, the effect was the one I subconsciously desired for. She politely turned him down and ran after me. Even if she acted like nothing happened, there was a hint of sadness in her eyes. But was it because of him or... because of me?

That was when I've realised that I like her in the way I shouldn't. That almost everything in her attracts me. And that I can't tell her anything about it. I cannot destroy the relationship we've managed to build for all this years.

I accepted those feelings as a part of me. I've always believed that heart doesn't really listen to one's mind. How could I hate myself for something I can't control? I could, but I know that she would be sad if I thought about it in that way. If she only knew, of course. And I don't want to make her sad so I must be strong, I'm going to live through it.

And so I am here. Lying in her bed, with the full Moon shining on my eyes, and her, hidden behind me, gently breathing on my neck.

I could be someone whom people could call 'normal'. If it wasn't for my secret. The one I must keep to myself carefully. The one I can not afford to spill.

My name is Takamachi Nanoha. I'm twenty years old and I'm in love with my sister.