Well since I always find myself criticizing other’s peoples stories, be either fanfics or indeed the official material, I eventually decided to have a go at it myself. This is an old story I wrote a few years ago, but only recently attempted to translate it to English, so for that I apologize for most grammatical and syntaxes errors on top of the story’s quality. In any case I will publishing this as I am translating it and half trying to review it. I welcome opinions. Without further to do, here it is:
Summary: The TSAB discovers a strange jewel after some dimensional incidents, and the Arrancars want it back. The White Devil of Mid-Childa faces the Black Demon of Hueco Mundo
“So, do we know what the object is, Nanoha-san?” Teana ask. She pull her hair behind her ear and follow the other mage inside the building.
“Not yet, we only know that the 108th Battalion found it near the dimensional distortion” replied Nanoha “they are keeping it in custody until we know what to do with it. We are here to take it to the Main Office for a full analysis. Since we don’t know if it’s a Lost Logia or not, then we are not risking using a teleportation spell on the object.”
The two made their way in to the 108th Battalion’s base, located in Mid-Childa's West region. Nanoha had not seen Teana or worked with her since the JS Incident 4 years ago, but looking at her now she was very proud of her former student. Teana had continued her career and become an Enforcer, as her black uniform noted, and while Nanoha could still appreciate some of Teana’s brash attitude, she was glad to notice the young Lanster was more calm and confident when addressing others.
‘If only this was a happier time for a reunion’ Nanoha thought. So far all she heard were rumors, talks of strange incidents in several Administrated Worlds and readings of odd dimensional activity across the TSAB territory. Villages and isolated towns destroyed by unknown attackers, forces dispatched to deal with the problem and either returning empty handed or not at all. It sounded far fetch but the Dimensional HQ seemed to consider it serious enough and decided to take measures.
The old Riot Force 6 was reactivated under the new name, Special Duty Section 6, and once more Hayate Yagami was appointed as the head of operations. Nanoha did not give credit to the rumors until her old friend had contacted her and ask her to join the unit again, alongside many of the veterans from the original Riot Force 6. It was Nanoha’s first long mission since she adopted Vivio and while part of her was glad to be back in the field, another was a bit uneasy leaving her little girl alone, even if she was not so little anymore as Nanoha had to remind herself from time to time.
“Nanoha-san, Teana, over here” Ginga’s voice shook Nanoha out of her reflections and back in to the present. The purple-haired Investigator waved her had from behind her desk but saluted when they reach her “It has been a while, First Captain Takamachi.”
“A pleasure as always Captain Nakajima” Nanoha replied to the salute and smiled. Both women relaxed their position at once. “I have been meaning to visit but I just can’t seem to find you home. I did meet Subaru a couple of times at work, she seems to be making a lot of progress. Give her and the rest my regards when you see them”
“I will, Nove and the rest are quite happy and would be glad to hear from you” Ginga turned her attention to Teana who had remained quiet so far “I guess giving your regards would be a bit redundant since we see each other so often…”
“It can’t be helped. I mean Subaru is always so pushing” replied Teana closing her eyes and nodding.
“I did not hear you complain that much when Subaru tried to…” Ginga started but the orange-headed Enforcer cut her right there.
“Th-that’s not something we need to discuss right now!” Teana blushed and looked away. Nanoha chuckled a bit but decided to remain silent, which the younger mage noticed so she cleared her throat and tried to bring the conversation back to the matter at hand: “Anyway, we need to get going. Is the artifact ready for transport?”
“Right, the Major is with it at the lab” Ginga stood up and made a gesture for the other two to follow her towards the elevators. “Whatever it is has our technicians confused and truth be told I will be glad when it is gone.”
“Why? Is something wrong with it?” Nanoha inquired , confused at Ginga’s attitude.
“It’s a bit hard to explain” Ginga pressed a button and the trio entered the elevator, getting down to the laboratory. “Many are already a bit nervous so I don’t want to contribute to that but… well you will see it soon.”
Nanoha and Teana exchanged a confused look, but Ginga did not seem willing to speak more about so they let it go. The elevator doors open and they step out in to the lab. It was a dark room, only illuminated by the lights of the terminals where men and women dressed in white coats seemed to be working double time. Several large screens showed a series of numbers and data that Nanoha could not fully understand, but assumed they were related to the object they were looking for. Genya Nakajima, the base commander, was reading the latest report but turned around when the doors opened to greet them even if there was a hint of concern on his expression.
“Welcome Captain Takamachi, Enforcer Lanster” the Major said giving them a military salute.
“Is good to see you, Major” replied Nanoha.
“A pleasure, sir” said Teana, saluting as well.
“And with that we can leave the formalities” said Genya. “Being called ‘sir’ is making me feel old for some reason.”
“The Major is not that old” commented Ginga with a smile.
“Or so they say… anyway to business.” Genya turned around to one of the workers “Bring the container. We don’t want that thing to remain here longer than necessary.”
Nanoha frowned at that, especially when she noticed the relief on the technicians' eyes. It seemed that whatever it was they encountered had everyone a bit uneasy, like Ginga had said. The man soon returned with a featureless black box that look similar to the containers they used to hold the Relics during the JS Incident.
“We tried to find a way to contain its energy and this seems to be up for the task” Genya said, taking the container with both hands “If not, then…”
The Major introduced a security code and opened the box. Nanoha and Teana stepped closer to examine the content. At first glance, it seemed like a small, bluish-purple orb composed of a unique substance floating inside a transparent crystal. No magic seemed to emanate from it but Nanoha could sense a strange and powerful presence, like a crushing consciousness that fell around her as she watched the small orb, fascinated by the patterns across its surface.
Nanoha tried to swallow but her throat had dried up. In a way, that strange device reminded her of the Book of Darkness: a power with such an evil aura and a will that seemed to want to crush reality itself around it. Genya then moved and closed the container which seemed to release the tension. Nanoha took a deep breath, not having noticed that she had been holding her breath until now.
“And this is not a Lost Logia?” Teana asked , breaking the silence. She rinse a small print of sweat that had form on her forehead despite the room’s fresh temperature. “It almost feels like it’s alive. Maybe it is a device or something like that.”
“It could be, but at this time we are not even sure what kind of energy it manipulates.” Ginga said, she also seemed a bit affected by the object “it doesn’t react to magic nor does it connect to our devices but it seems obvious it possess power and some form of intelligence or programming.”
“Yet, what it is or what is its function, we cannot tell” finish Genya. He put the container down on a table. “All I know is that I do not want to remain next to it more than I have to.”
“Hopefully we can learn more at the Main Office.” Nanoha look at the box and then back at Genya. “I can see why you don’t like it here. Being close to it is not a nice experience.”
“I should say, the first time we bring it here someone…”
An alarm interrupt Genya’s words.
The screens on the lab turned red and the information they were displaying changed immediately. Nanoha look for Raising Heart with her left hand and Teana move to secure the container in her arms. Genya quickly took control over the situation and addressed the head technician.
“Report, what is going on?”
“Dimensional disturbance located, sir” replied the woman looking at her screens “it seems similar to the one detected near the object’s original location”
“I need to know more, where is located”
The woman nodded and order her team to get better data. Then she turned around with surprise.
“Is right above us!”
The fissure of the Garganta opened to reveal a clear blue sky and the two figures stepped forward. Crossing the limit seemed a bit odd, like they just stepped into a warm shower; a different sensation from usual, which one of them find quite interesting.
“Hmmm, marvelous, just marvelous. The air composition, the energies flowing… what I would do for a chance to study this a bit more in depth. This world seems to be full of the most curious specimens.”
“Irrelevant. Are you sure this is the right location?”
“You have no respect for the scientific method.” The first figure moved his hand to accommodate his glasses. “Yes, I am sure. You should know better than to doubt me, Ulquiorra.”
“And you should focus on the task at hand, Szayelaporro. We are not here for your benefit.”
“Maybe, but we can make things a bit more interesting to observe.” Szayelaporro smiled and snapped his fingers. The Garganta expanded until it was way larger than it needed to be for the two of them, looking like an open wound in the sky.
Ulquiorra sensed other presences behind him and turned around to see more clearly. He sighed when he realized what his companion was planning.
“Do as you please, just make sure we fulfill the objective.” Ulquiorra said stepping out. He would fulfill Aizen’s orders, the rest was none of his business.
“Trust me, Ulquiorra, nothing is higher in my priorities.” Szayelaporro gave him a wicked smile. Around him a large number of lesser Hollows gathered and moved into the clear sky, launching their characteristic howls as they went.
Nanoha shiver when she hear the “voices” of the enemy, something strangely human mix with an animal element that shook her to the bone. She and the others decided to leave the laboratory and were reaching the command center to try and get an idea of what was happening. Genja enter first and assume command from a very trouble Lieutenant.
“Status report, what is going on out there?!” Genja shout to get everyone to focus.
The room quaked when a loud explosion went off nearby and even there, at the core of the base, they could hear the sounds of the battle raging outside. The never ending howling that seem to come out from everywhere, spells being fired and the unmistakable screams from the staff and mages trying to deal with this attack. The large screens in the control room turn to live and came in to focus, allowing them a clear view of the exterior.
“We are under attack by unknown entities, sir.” A technician said “They have overrun the fields, barracks and are pushing in to the armory and medical ward as we speak. We detect at least 200 hostiles but their numbers keep increasing, sir.”
“Get me in touch with all the officers and send a message requesting reinforcements!” Genja ordered then look at the screens “What the Hell are those things?”
From 800 meters above the base a large rapture in the sky seem to be the point of origin of the attack. The creatures assaulting the base look animalistic in nature, coming in different sizes and forms, but they all had strange holes in their chests and white masks that look like bone around their faces.
Nanoha tried but fail to recall ever seeing or hearing of such beasts. They were clearly not organize and that had allow the mages to take back some ground despite the surprise but the number of attackers and their bestial ferocity were going threating to overrun the 108th Battalion forces.
“Communications are having difficulties, sir.” The communication officer turn to Genja “Too much interference I don’t know if our message manage to get out.”
“Why an attack now? And these creatures…” Genja mumble more to himself than to the others.
“Maybe it has something to do with this thing” Teana said. She was still holding the box with the strange artifact. “It seems too convenient that we encounter a strange object near a dimensional rift and now we have a new one of the same nature above our heads.”
“I agree, it does seem convenient but I think we need to deal with this attack first.” Nanoha look at Genja who did not oppose so she proceed. “With your permission Major I will go out and join the defense. Captain Nakajima and Enforcer Lanster can stay to protect the object and the command center. We need to hold the line until help can arrive.”
“You are right, go ahead Captain. We will hold the fort from here.” Genja stood up and salute.
Nanoha smiled and perform a military salute before leaving the room in a hurry. She grab her device and head for the exit. Nanoha could feel her heart racing up in anticipation. It had been a while since she join actual battle and not just training or exhibition matches, despite the fact that she knew people were being wounded or kill nearby a part of her was exited at the idea and determine to fulfill her duty.
“Raising Heart, Set Up!” Nanoha exclaim when she reach the door.
“Stand by, ready”
A blinding light surrounded her and her mana flow across her body, taking the shape of her usual white and blue Barrier Jacket. Raising Heart also transform becoming a staff in her hands and Nanoha step out in a blast of cherry blossom color feathers when two wings appear at her heels pushing her forwards and in to the sky.
Several of the creatures attacking the base took notice of the beam of light that took in to the sky and turn around to attack Nanoha in a large group. She hold her flight and float in midair to take notice of her surroundings and aim her device at the attackers. A spinning circle appear under her feet and a ball of light concentrate on the tip of her device.
“Axel Shooter!” A series of orbs appear around her and were launch at a great speed towards the creatures.
Each bolt of energy found a mark and exploded, making the attacker banish in a cloud of smoke and their bodies fall to the ground. Nanoha frowned when she saw the bodies of the creatures seem to disintegrate at very irregular rates. Some would just disappear when hit and others fall to the ground to vanish moments later and others lay there, clearly dead, but not disintegrating like the rest.
Nanoha shook her head and decided to ask questions later. One of the creatures manage to reach her from the side and attack with large claws forcing her to spin in the air to avoid it. Nanoha move her device to block and cast a shield when the creature try to use its mass to push her down. The barrier shake from the impact but hold and she was able to cast another spell with her right hand.
“Short Buster!” Nanoha fire the spell at point blank range. The beam was weaker than her usual attacks but strong enough to shatter the mask of the creature and disintegrate its body, freeing Nanoha to deal with the others that were approaching. She aim to a large group and made her device load a couple of cartridges helping the buildup of her spell to be quicker and stronger. “Exellion Buster!”
The beam hit the group right in the center destroying many of the creatures but the rest disperse around the explosion it cause and attack Nanoha from different directions. She retreated and fly backwards barely avoiding the beak of one of the creatures that look like a raven. She try to counter but then another came from under her and nearly impale her leg with a sharp tail.
Nanoha spin in the air and swing her device like a weapon, charging the tip with mana and making a slash towards the bird-like attacker, cutting its wing and making it roar in pain. She then point her palm at the one with the tail and fire a single magic bullet that hit it between the eyes, destroying its mask with an awful sound of bones cracking at the impact.
“Master, behind you!” Raising Heart’s warning came just in time.
A creature, that look like it had the bottom half of a snake and the top of a muscular creature with a strange lizard type head and long bone like formations on its arms, rush Nanoha and aim its “blades” towards her chest. The white mage was able to cast a quick barrier but the momentum of the creature push her and the two crash against one of the buildings in the base. Nanoha almost felt how the air leave her lungs on impact but hold her spell against the creature.
“Damn it… Shoot Barret!” Nanoha lift her palm and focus her power. It was a basic attack but she put more mana in to it so it blow her attacker away in a loud explosion. She cough when the smoke cover her and move her hand to try and clear the air around. “Not… one of my best… ideas…”
“Captain Takamachi, are you alright?” Genja’s voice came from the communication device.
“I have been better. What is the situation?” Nanoha ask.
“We are holding well so far but is not good, more creatures arrive by the minute. At this rate they will defeat us by sheer numbers. We need to close that portal but they block all our attempts to fire at it”
“I understand. Order your men to pull back and I will destroy it in one blow, Takamachi out” Nanoha cut the communication and move from the crater the impact had made on the wall.
Nanoha look up at the dimensional breach where the creatures seem to be coming out. She saw many lights in the sky that indicate the location of other mages trying to reach it but then they move back leaving the space open. It was now or never. She got on the root of the building and place her feet firmly on the ground. The mana gather around her and a new magic circle appear under her feet glowing with a more intense light and creating a beacon that the creatures could see from the sky. Nanoha aim her device at the breach and load the cartridges, emptying the magazine and replacing with a new one.
“Let’s go Raising Heart, we destroy it in one blow” Nanoha smiled when the creatures gather above notice her and move down like one to attack. An aiming scope appear on top of her device and she make sure the dimensional breach was dead center. “Divine Buster Extension!”
The beam of cherry blossom mana destroy any creature on its way and reach the desire target exploding and destroying more of the creatures gather around it and for a few moments blocking the light of the sun. Nanoha did not take her eyes from the place of the impact and she let go a small sigh of relief when the dust clear and the breach appear sealed.
She let her device release all the vapor from its shaft and shirted upwards. Around the base a large cheer was heard from the mages. There were still some stragglers but without the apparently endless reinforcements the TSAB personal had a fighting chance.
“Any new orders Major?” Nanoha ask opening a channel again but to her surprise she only receive static. “Major Nakajima, are you there?”
Before she could try again a telepathic message reach her. It was Teana and her mental voice seem to be full of alarm.
“Nanoha-san, it was a trap! The enemy is in here! They came for the object!”
“Teana? What is going on?” Nanoha try to get an answer but before her student could add anything the building where the command center was exploded with a bright green glow.
So far it’s reasonably interesting but hook is yet to appear I think. One strange thing to me was the fact that Nanoha was briefing Teana who is an Enforcer at that point. I would have expected for things to be done reversely. Teana is an enforcer, and was probably moved back to RF6 because of her Enforcer capabilities of leading an investigation. That is why I would have expected Teana to already know the situation, and Nanoha is there mostly to provide security and additional firepower. BTW I like Nanoha a lot, but she is not someone who is great at investigation or the character something like that should be expected from. In a way Nanoha is just a solution to military and combat situations, but not an investigator. But eh, it can still work sort of if Nanoha is Teana’s superior so she got the full briefing and the data while Teana gets the crumbs Nanoha gives you.
I also see that darkened rooms are all the used for research are still here.
I do hope you don’t mind me pointing some of the parts of the chapter what were not properly spelled or had grammar or were difficult to understand.
- Nanoha could still appreciate some of Teana’s brash attitude
I think appreciate is not suitable here. As it is you are saying that Nanoha likes that Teana is still a bit brash, which I do not think was your intention. I think you wanted to say basically that Nanoha could still detect/feel/sense some of Teana’s past brashness remaining, but largely she changed for better. So replace it with feel, sense etc.?
- It sounded far fetch -> It sounded far fetched
- had contacted her and ask her -> had contacted her and asked her
- The purple-haired Investigator waved her had from behind her desk but saluted when they reach her -> multiple possibilities:
- The purple-haired Investigator had waved her from behind her desk but saluted when they reached her
- The purple-haired Investigator waved at her from behind her desk and saluted when they reached her
- Give her and the rest my regards when you see them – While I understand the meaning of this sentence, I still think it’s missing the object of the regards. Something like “Give her and the rest of your family/sisters my regards when you see them.” feels better. Oh and add a full stop at the end of it.
- “I guess giving your regards would be a bit redundant since we see each other so often…” – Who is seeing Teana often? Ginga? But then it doesn’t make sense since she is not giving Ginga regards to give to herself. Considering the subsequent dialogue, you probably are referring to Subaru, in which case at least change we to you or actually mention Subaru.
- “I mean Subaru is always so pushing” I think you mean pushy not pushing.
- Whatever it is has our technicians confused - Whatever it is, it has our technicians confused or Whatever it is it’s confusing our technicians
- seem willing to speak more about so they -> seem willing to speak more about it, so they
- The elevator doors open and they step out in to the lab. -> The elevator doors opened and they stepped out into the lab (or simply stepped into the lab).
- Several large screens showed a series of numbers and data -> Are all screens supposed to be showing the same numbers? If not lose the article “a” because as it is it’s saying that the same series of numbers is on ALL of the screens. Nitpick: maybe replace data with something else like graphs because those numbers are the data.
- but assumed they were related to the object they were looking for. – I think you are referring to the object that 108th already retrieved and that Nanoha and Teana are there to get? Even if it’s so I think you will need to rework this part a bit because my first thought after reading it was to assume the data is related with an object that is still being searched for by the scientists, not the found Lost Logia. Maybe change “they were looking for” with “they were sent to retrieve”.
- Genya turned around to one of the workers – I would replace worker with scientists, technicians or even men. As it is it gives the impression he is addressing some builder, plumber or something that is there to fix or build part of the room. Oh, use technicians then since I see that is what you use in the next paragraph.
- The Major introduced a security code and opened – use typed or even inputted instead of introduced. Is the case supposed to open for a multiple different security codes? If not change a into the, so it now refers to a specific code. Also I think the THE before Major is unnecessary, but I’m not sure if it’s actually wrong.
- “And this is not a Lost Logia?” – When did they establish it’s not a Lost Logia? Because Teana seems to be arguing questioning that idea, that was not referred before this point. IN fact, at the beginning they say they are not certain what the object is.
- we cannot tell” finish Genya – finish -> finished
- The screens on the lab turned – change on to in.
I wrote this while half asleep. I apologize for any part that is clearly nonsensical. It's not surprising considering that I almost fell asleep (even dozed off) while writing it couple of times.
I'll read the rest after I post this, but seeing the length I'll probably not be posting grammatical corrections. Or will if they start bothering me too much.
English is not mine first language either, so I understand the trouble with translation.
Example in my language on top of my head would be "Kad na vrbi rodi grožđe", which translated literally would mean "when willows bear fruit to grapes" but should be translated as "when pigs fly". Not to mention that two words in two different languages allmost never have exactly 100% the same set of meanings in all situations. Most often this one word is a good translation in some of the contexts while another is good for other.
That is why translation should not be done literally word for word, and why Google translate still sucks at it, but by translating the intended meaning of the sentence. That goes doubly true for phrases and expressions. On the other hand mostly word for word is fine for a quick translation.
You did make couple of meaning mistakes, where you used an improper word and such, but most of your mistakes are gramar based. You seem to use Present Simple (no verb ending) too often in places where past simple (or maybe even perfect) should be used. In English Present Simple is almost NEVER or really rarely used, and only to denote actions that happen regularly. If I may make a suggestion, whenever you write about that had already happened/ended stick an ed at the end of the verb almost automatically and you will fix the majority of your mistakes. Then only the mistake of using Past Simple instead of Past Perfect, or vice versa, would remain but that is the kind of mistake I make too.
First mention of Garganta – you should first show and then refer to it by name. As it is it causes confusion because the reader does not know what it refers to. I was confused if you already mentioned this term, or maybe you made a typo while typing Ginga or something. In fact you don’t need to namedrop the name in the description, have it be called by its name by one of the characters. Now using terms that are unfamiliar to the reader NOW, until you explain them, is fine as long as it’s part of sentences being said by a character that is aware of the term.
which one of them find quite interesting. – find -> found; replace the “;” with ,
Ulquiorra & Szayelaporro – are their names supposed to mean or refer to something? Because parts of them keep tugging on my mind and what little I know of Romansce languages but it’s not finding purchase.
Genja -> Genya
assume command from a very trouble Lieutenant – trouble -> troubled, if the Lieutenant is looking troubled/perturbed/unnerved by what is going on.
Genja shout to get everyone to focus. – shout -> shouted. Depending on what you meant for this line it might be better as “shouted to get everyone’s attention”.
The large screens in the control room turn to live -> The large screens in the control room came to life
They have overrun the fields - ?
From 800 meters above the base a large rapture in the sky seem to be the point of origin of the attack.-> A large rapture in the sky, 800 meters above the base, seemed to be the origin of the attack.
Assaulting the base look animalistic -> assaulting the base looked animalistic
white masks that look like bone around their faces -> white masks that looked like bone on/covering their faces
Nanoha tried but fail to -> Nanoha tried but failed to
clearly not organize and -> clearly not organized and
that had allow the mages to take back some ground despite the surprise -> allow-> allowed.
bestial ferocity were going threating to overrun the 108th -> bestial ferocity was threatening to overrun the 108th
Also considering the overall situation the mages are probably not REGAINING the ground but are now managing to hold it once the surprise at the attack has worn off. Still they are in trouble since they are massively outnumbered and could be overrun.
“Too much interference I don’t know if our message manage to get out.” -> “Too much interference, I don’t know if our message made it out/got out/was heard”
Genja mumble more -> Genya mumbled more
When Genya and Teana are discussing the attack, I don’t think the word convenient is the correct one. I think they should be saying that it’s too much of a coincidence for two dimensional rifts of the same type to occur next to the same artifact for there not to be a connection between the two.
stood up and salute. -> stood up and saluted.
smiled and perform -> smiled and performed
She grab her device and head for the exit.-> She grabbed her device and headed for the exit. Also you might want to change grabbed to took hold of or something like that since grabbed implies to me that she had left Rising Heart somewhere in the HQ and grabbed it as she was exiting, yet she was shown to be touching it couple scenes before.
could feel her heart racing up in anticipation - > could feel her heart racing in the anticipation
It had been a while since she join actual battle and not just training or exhibition matches -> It had been a while since she had been in a real fight and not just in a training or exhibition match (end the sentence here).
or kill nearby -> or killed nearby
was exited at the idea and -> was exited at the prospect of a real fight and
Considering the Nanoha’s character she would also be excited to fight BECAUSE people are being harmed around her, so her hero complex is kicking in so now she NEEDS to be out there and fight.
her mana flow across her body -> her mana flowed across her body
also transform becoming -> also transformed becoming
Nanoha step out in a blast -> Nanoha steped out in a blast
of cherry blossom color feathers – I think traditionally anything her magic made has been described as PINK (pink beams, pink shot balls etc.), so pink feathers. Then again I always saw them as white or very VERY light blue, but then again I’m terrible at colors.
in to the sky-> into the sky
and turn around to attack Nanoha in a large group -> and a large group of them turned around to attack Nanoha
She hold her flight and float in midair -> She stopped her flight and floated in midair
to take notice of her surroundings and aim her device at the attackers. Change “to take notice of” to “note” or “inspect” or even “look around” at which point I would end the sentence. Next sentence would say that she aimed her device at her attackers. This way there is a better feel that she took note of her targets and then raised her device.
circle appear under -> circle appeared under
a ball of light concentrate on the – I think grew is more appropriate
orbs appear around her and were launch at -> orbs appeared around her and were launched at
Also I think she only needs to stop to do her buster/beam attacks, I’m pretty certain she can do her shooting attacks while moving.
making the attacker banish in a cloud of smoke and their bodies fall to the ground -> making the attacker vanish in a cloud of smoke from which some of them fell to the ground
Some would just disappear when hit and others fall to the ground to vanish moments later and others lay there, clearly dead, but not disintegrating like the rest. -> Some would just disappear when hit, some fell to the ground only to vanish moments later and others still lay there, clearly dead, and not disintegrating like the rest.
manage to reach her -> managed to reach her
and attack -> and attacked
Nanoha move her device to block and cast a shield when the creature try to use its mass to push her down. – As it is it gives the impression that Nanoha first blocked the attack with her device and THEN cast the shield, which is not how it’s done. You probably should change this to something along the lines of “Nanoha used her device to cast a shield and block the creature’s attack. With its attack stopped the creature tried to use its greater mass to push her down.” I meant to complain that Nanoha used a shield when it’s more likely that she would have used a simple barrier since it’s quicker to cast, but I then checked and remembered she is ridiculously skilled at defensive spells so tends to use shields for everything.
The barrier shake from the impact but hold and -> The shield shook from the impact but held and – Shields and barriers are not the same, neither in the looks nor in application as you are probably aware.
Okay from this point onward I’m stopping with commenting on grammatical errors, unless they interfere with readability.
Short Buster? I wanted to complain that you invented that one, but lo and behold it is one of her spells. She uses it in the Cradle. Good on you then.
strong enough to shatter the mask of the creature and disintegrate its body – Ehh this probably needs to be changed because as it is it implies that Nanoha willingly chose to DESINTEGRATE a humanoid opponent. Considering that she does not know if they are sentient or not I do not think she would willingly choose to destroy somebody. Hell most of her magic is deliberately crafted so as to only deal magical damage and prevent such disintegration. You might have wanted to say that the attack was strong enough to shatter the mask of the creature at which point it disintegrated?
load a couple of cartridges helping the buildup of her spell to be quicker and stronger – cartridges do not really help with the buildup of the magic of the spell, but inject more mana/magic into the spell than is possible. Theoretically I guess if you have a spell that needs to build up a certain amount of magic before firing, cartridge might help by supplying the needed magic via instant injection, but I don’t remember cartridges ever being used for that.
Exellion Buster – I don’t remember E.Buster having any great AOI capability. Hell, in general most of the Nanoha’s attacks are pretty focused and directed. Supposedly though Nanoha’s one and only attack in episode 20 of StrikerS is an E.Buster and seems to hit any targets anywhere near the path of her beam.
You better have a way of explaining how the enemy was able to penetrate the defenses and take out HQ defenses and the HQ itself in the short amount of time it took Nanoha to get off her attack on the breach. The antagonists being powerful is okay, but it’s not okay for them to be OP enough to ignore basic realities of combat. Otherwise they get too powerful, with little to no weaknesses and their defeat can often feel cheap and random.
It's an okay beginning, although as I noted the antagonists might appear to be a bit too OP. Also Nanoha's performance is a bit in question considering that A) she did not link up with friendlies before beginning her attack B) started her attack to close to the enemy which allowed them to close the distance too quickly and overwhelm her
Is not complicated on some of those things you said. Half were just artistic license, specially regarding the battle, and as for the rest I think is because the fic is actually a crossover with Bleach, another series, which again I fail to mention because I assume I did.Yes, I know, need to read what I write down better. But just to be clear the Hollows and the rest are from Bleach so if you know about that series you can understand a bit more, if not I will offer as much context as I can.
Some things can, well most if you don't care spinning your fic into an AU, be ignored as artistic license but not how powers and spells work. Unlike some other parts of the lore they do tend to stick pretty rigorously to how different powers act, interact and their strengths and weaknesses (manga even gives quick ratings on power, speed and range for each spell used in it) to the point where in the audio commentary to the movies Nanoha and Fate can discuss with quite a bit of detail what they are doing and why they are using which attack.
Now I don't expect you to go in such detail if you are not aware of all of the strengths and weaknesses but you should have a general idea of what characters are capable of. Nanoha for example most often uses her shooters to spawn flocks of shots that fly around her and are controlled by her directly and are used to both block enemy shots and force enemy melee attackers to back off by threatening their backs. Various busters while impressive are only really effective if the target is standing still because it's unaware of Nanoha's attack or is bound. For defences, Nanoha is a veritable fortress, and her defensive spells are allmost as strong as her attacks because a) defense is her thing, her first spell and b) she was taught by Yunno a master barrier mage. She uses shields (which deflect incoming damage and are more effective but are slower to cast and actively use mana as long as they are active) more often than other characters who most often use barriers (quick to set up and do not drain mana nowhere near as fast and only really do that when stopping dammage, and damage is stopped by brute opposition of forces where the defender throws his magic into stopping the enemy magic) for defense.
As for this being a crossover, that is fine, but you do need to realize that not everyone is aware of the lore of the other work. Therefore I would stick to only explaining how things look to Nanoha verse characters and reserve the use of actual names for things for dialogue of characters who know how this things are called. Also not naming things outright keeps a degree of mystery of who could these intruders be.
[Quick warning: I had to edit the previous post after I realize I did not insert the entire chapter at once, just the first part. My bad]
I welcome any criticism, and I don't mind you point out grammatical errors. English is not my first language and this is a raw translation, so do expect odd expressions here and there were I directly translate the Spanish sentence and the end result makes little sense.
Example: in my country we say “pura vida” to indicate something is good or alright, but a direct translation would be “pure life” which would sound odd, to say the least.
As for the story this one is short, the fic I mean, Nanoha was there to secure transport and Teana was merely asking if she had data she was not given. I came with this idea one night and wrote the fic in a single run. So it might look a bit rush at times.