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[Fanfic] White Devil and Black Demon

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Sansker's picture
Joined: 10/01/2011
Posts: 1100

Well since I always find myself criticizing other’s peoples stories, be either fanfics or indeed the official material, I eventually decided to have a go at it myself. This is an old story I wrote a few years ago, but only recently attempted to translate it to English, so for that I apologize for most grammatical and syntaxes errors on top of the story’s quality. In any case I will publishing this as I am translating it and half trying to review it. I welcome opinions. Without further to do, here it is:

Summary: The TSAB discovers a strange jewel after some dimensional incidents, and the Arrancars want it back. The White Devil of Mid-Childa faces the Black Demon of Hueco Mundo

Chapter 01: Is This a New Incident?

“So, do we know what the object is, Nanoha-san?” Teana ask. She pull her hair behind her ear and follow the other mage inside the building.

“Not yet, we only know that the 108th Battalion found it near the dimensional distortion” replied Nanoha “they are keeping it in custody until we know what to do with it. We are here to take it to the Main Office for a full analysis. Since we don’t know if it’s a Lost Logia or not, then we are not risking using a teleportation spell on the object.”

The two made their way in to the 108th Battalion’s base, located in Mid-Childa's West region. Nanoha had not seen Teana or worked with her since the JS Incident 4 years ago, but looking at her now she was very proud of her former student. Teana had continued her career and become an Enforcer, as her black uniform noted, and while Nanoha could still appreciate some of Teana’s brash attitude, she was glad to notice the young Lanster was more calm and confident when addressing others.

‘If only this was a happier time for a reunion’ Nanoha thought. So far all she heard were rumors, talks of strange incidents in several Administrated Worlds and readings of odd dimensional activity across the TSAB territory. Villages and isolated towns destroyed by unknown attackers, forces dispatched to deal with the problem and either returning empty handed or not at all. It sounded far fetch but the Dimensional HQ seemed to consider it serious enough and decided to take measures.

The old Riot Force 6 was reactivated under the new name, Special Duty Section 6, and once more Hayate Yagami was appointed as the head of operations. Nanoha did not give credit to the rumors until her old friend had contacted her and ask her to join the unit again, alongside many of the veterans from the original Riot Force 6. It was Nanoha’s first long mission since she adopted Vivio and while part of her was glad to be back in the field, another was a bit uneasy leaving her little girl alone, even if she was not so little anymore as Nanoha had to remind herself from time to time.

“Nanoha-san, Teana, over here” Ginga’s voice shook Nanoha out of her reflections and back in to the present. The purple-haired Investigator waved her had from behind her desk but saluted when they reach her “It has been a while, First Captain Takamachi.”

“A pleasure as always Captain Nakajima” Nanoha replied to the salute and smiled. Both women relaxed their position at once. “I have been meaning to visit but I just can’t seem to find you home. I did meet Subaru a couple of times at work, she seems to be making a lot of progress. Give her and the rest my regards when you see them”

“I will, Nove and the rest are quite happy and would be glad to hear from you” Ginga turned her attention to Teana who had remained quiet so far “I guess giving your regards would be a bit redundant since we see each other so often…”

“It can’t be helped. I mean Subaru is always so pushing” replied Teana closing her eyes and nodding.

“I did not hear you complain that much when Subaru tried to…” Ginga started but the orange-headed Enforcer cut her right there.

“Th-that’s not something we need to discuss right now!” Teana blushed and looked away. Nanoha chuckled a bit but decided to remain silent, which the younger mage noticed so she cleared her throat and tried to bring the conversation back to the matter at hand: “Anyway, we need to get going. Is the artifact ready for transport?”

“Right, the Major is with it at the lab” Ginga stood up and made a gesture for the other two to follow her towards the elevators. “Whatever it is has our technicians confused and truth be told I will be glad when it is gone.”

“Why? Is something wrong with it?” Nanoha inquired , confused at Ginga’s attitude.

“It’s a bit hard to explain” Ginga pressed a button and the trio entered the elevator, getting down to the laboratory. “Many are already a bit nervous so I don’t want to contribute to that but… well you will see it soon.”

Nanoha and Teana exchanged a confused look, but Ginga did not seem willing to speak more about so they let it go. The elevator doors open and they step out in to the lab. It was a dark room, only illuminated by the lights of the terminals where men and women dressed in white coats seemed to be working double time. Several large screens showed a series of numbers and data that Nanoha could not fully understand, but assumed they were related to the object they were looking for. Genya Nakajima, the base commander, was reading the latest report but turned around when the doors opened to greet them even if there was a hint of concern on his expression.

“Welcome Captain Takamachi, Enforcer Lanster” the Major said giving them a military salute.

“Is good to see you, Major” replied Nanoha.

“A pleasure, sir” said Teana, saluting as well.

“And with that we can leave the formalities” said Genya. “Being called ‘sir’ is making me feel old for some reason.”

“The Major is not that old” commented Ginga with a smile.

“Or so they say… anyway to business.” Genya turned around to one of the workers “Bring the container. We don’t want that thing to remain here longer than necessary.”

Nanoha frowned at that, especially when she noticed the relief on the technicians' eyes. It seemed that whatever it was they encountered had everyone a bit uneasy, like Ginga had said. The man soon returned with a featureless black box that look similar to the containers they used to hold the Relics during the JS Incident.

“We tried to find a way to contain its energy and this seems to be up for the task” Genya said, taking the container with both hands “If not, then…”

The Major introduced a security code and opened the box. Nanoha and Teana stepped closer to examine the content. At first glance, it seemed like a small, bluish-purple orb composed of a unique substance floating inside a transparent crystal. No magic seemed to emanate from it but Nanoha could sense a strange and powerful presence, like a crushing consciousness that fell around her as she watched the small orb, fascinated by the patterns across its surface.

Nanoha tried to swallow but her throat had dried up. In a way, that strange device reminded her of the Book of Darkness: a power with such an evil aura and a will that seemed to want to crush reality itself around it. Genya then moved and closed the container which seemed to release the tension. Nanoha took a deep breath, not having noticed that she had been holding her breath until now.

“And this is not a Lost Logia?” Teana asked , breaking the silence. She rinse a small print of sweat that had form on her forehead despite the room’s fresh temperature. “It almost feels like it’s alive. Maybe it is a device or something like that.”

“It could be, but at this time we are not even sure what kind of energy it manipulates.” Ginga said, she also seemed a bit affected by the object “it doesn’t react to magic nor does it connect to our devices but it seems obvious it possess power and some form of intelligence or programming.”

“Yet, what it is or what is its function, we cannot tell” finish Genya. He put the container down on a table. “All I know is that I do not want to remain next to it more than I have to.”

“Hopefully we can learn more at the Main Office.” Nanoha look at the box and then back at Genya. “I can see why you don’t like it here. Being close to it is not a nice experience.”

“I should say, the first time we bring it here someone…”
An alarm interrupt Genya’s words.

The screens on the lab turned red and the information they were displaying changed immediately. Nanoha look for Raising Heart with her left hand and Teana move to secure the container in her arms. Genya quickly took control over the situation and addressed the head technician.

“Report, what is going on?”

“Dimensional disturbance located, sir” replied the woman looking at her screens “it seems similar to the one detected near the object’s original location”

“I need to know more, where is located”

The woman nodded and order her team to get better data. Then she turned around with surprise.

“Is right above us!”


The fissure of the Garganta opened to reveal a clear blue sky and the two figures stepped forward. Crossing the limit seemed a bit odd, like they just stepped into a warm shower; a different sensation from usual, which one of them find quite interesting.
“Hmmm, marvelous, just marvelous. The air composition, the energies flowing… what I would do for a chance to study this a bit more in depth. This world seems to be full of the most curious specimens.”

“Irrelevant. Are you sure this is the right location?”

“You have no respect for the scientific method.” The first figure moved his hand to accommodate his glasses. “Yes, I am sure. You should know better than to doubt me, Ulquiorra.”

“And you should focus on the task at hand, Szayelaporro. We are not here for your benefit.”

“Maybe, but we can make things a bit more interesting to observe.” Szayelaporro smiled and snapped his fingers. The Garganta expanded until it was way larger than it needed to be for the two of them, looking like an open wound in the sky.

Ulquiorra sensed other presences behind him and turned around to see more clearly. He sighed when he realized what his companion was planning.

“Do as you please, just make sure we fulfill the objective.” Ulquiorra said stepping out. He would fulfill Aizen’s orders, the rest was none of his business.

“Trust me, Ulquiorra, nothing is higher in my priorities.” Szayelaporro gave him a wicked smile. Around him a large number of lesser Hollows gathered and moved into the clear sky, launching their characteristic howls as they went.


Nanoha shiver when she hear the “voices” of the enemy, something strangely human mix with an animal element that shook her to the bone. She and the others decided to leave the laboratory and were reaching the command center to try and get an idea of what was happening. Genja enter first and assume command from a very trouble Lieutenant.

“Status report, what is going on out there?!” Genja shout to get everyone to focus.

The room quaked when a loud explosion went off nearby and even there, at the core of the base, they could hear the sounds of the battle raging outside. The never ending howling that seem to come out from everywhere, spells being fired and the unmistakable screams from the staff and mages trying to deal with this attack. The large screens in the control room turn to live and came in to focus, allowing them a clear view of the exterior.

“We are under attack by unknown entities, sir.” A technician said “They have overrun the fields, barracks and are pushing in to the armory and medical ward as we speak. We detect at least 200 hostiles but their numbers keep increasing, sir.”

“Get me in touch with all the officers and send a message requesting reinforcements!” Genja ordered then look at the screens “What the Hell are those things?”

From 800 meters above the base a large rapture in the sky seem to be the point of origin of the attack. The creatures assaulting the base look animalistic in nature, coming in different sizes and forms, but they all had strange holes in their chests and white masks that look like bone around their faces.

Nanoha tried but fail to recall ever seeing or hearing of such beasts. They were clearly not organize and that had allow the mages to take back some ground despite the surprise but the number of attackers and their bestial ferocity were going threating to overrun the 108th Battalion forces.

“Communications are having difficulties, sir.” The communication officer turn to Genja “Too much interference I don’t know if our message manage to get out.”

“Why an attack now? And these creatures…” Genja mumble more to himself than to the others.

“Maybe it has something to do with this thing” Teana said. She was still holding the box with the strange artifact. “It seems too convenient that we encounter a strange object near a dimensional rift and now we have a new one of the same nature above our heads.”

“I agree, it does seem convenient but I think we need to deal with this attack first.” Nanoha look at Genja who did not oppose so she proceed. “With your permission Major I will go out and join the defense. Captain Nakajima and Enforcer Lanster can stay to protect the object and the command center. We need to hold the line until help can arrive.”

“You are right, go ahead Captain. We will hold the fort from here.” Genja stood up and salute.

Nanoha smiled and perform a military salute before leaving the room in a hurry. She grab her device and head for the exit. Nanoha could feel her heart racing up in anticipation. It had been a while since she join actual battle and not just training or exhibition matches, despite the fact that she knew people were being wounded or kill nearby a part of her was exited at the idea and determine to fulfill her duty.

“Raising Heart, Set Up!” Nanoha exclaim when she reach the door.

“Stand by, ready”

A blinding light surrounded her and her mana flow across her body, taking the shape of her usual white and blue Barrier Jacket. Raising Heart also transform becoming a staff in her hands and Nanoha step out in a blast of cherry blossom color feathers when two wings appear at her heels pushing her forwards and in to the sky.

Several of the creatures attacking the base took notice of the beam of light that took in to the sky and turn around to attack Nanoha in a large group. She hold her flight and float in midair to take notice of her surroundings and aim her device at the attackers. A spinning circle appear under her feet and a ball of light concentrate on the tip of her device.

“Axel Shooter!” A series of orbs appear around her and were launch at a great speed towards the creatures.

Each bolt of energy found a mark and exploded, making the attacker banish in a cloud of smoke and their bodies fall to the ground. Nanoha frowned when she saw the bodies of the creatures seem to disintegrate at very irregular rates. Some would just disappear when hit and others fall to the ground to vanish moments later and others lay there, clearly dead, but not disintegrating like the rest.

Nanoha shook her head and decided to ask questions later. One of the creatures manage to reach her from the side and attack with large claws forcing her to spin in the air to avoid it. Nanoha move her device to block and cast a shield when the creature try to use its mass to push her down. The barrier shake from the impact but hold and she was able to cast another spell with her right hand.

“Short Buster!” Nanoha fire the spell at point blank range. The beam was weaker than her usual attacks but strong enough to shatter the mask of the creature and disintegrate its body, freeing Nanoha to deal with the others that were approaching. She aim to a large group and made her device load a couple of cartridges helping the buildup of her spell to be quicker and stronger. “Exellion Buster!”

The beam hit the group right in the center destroying many of the creatures but the rest disperse around the explosion it cause and attack Nanoha from different directions. She retreated and fly backwards barely avoiding the beak of one of the creatures that look like a raven. She try to counter but then another came from under her and nearly impale her leg with a sharp tail.

Nanoha spin in the air and swing her device like a weapon, charging the tip with mana and making a slash towards the bird-like attacker, cutting its wing and making it roar in pain. She then point her palm at the one with the tail and fire a single magic bullet that hit it between the eyes, destroying its mask with an awful sound of bones cracking at the impact.
“Master, behind you!” Raising Heart’s warning came just in time.

A creature, that look like it had the bottom half of a snake and the top of a muscular creature with a strange lizard type head and long bone like formations on its arms, rush Nanoha and aim its “blades” towards her chest. The white mage was able to cast a quick barrier but the momentum of the creature push her and the two crash against one of the buildings in the base. Nanoha almost felt how the air leave her lungs on impact but hold her spell against the creature.

“Damn it… Shoot Barret!” Nanoha lift her palm and focus her power. It was a basic attack but she put more mana in to it so it blow her attacker away in a loud explosion. She cough when the smoke cover her and move her hand to try and clear the air around. “Not… one of my best… ideas…”

“Captain Takamachi, are you alright?” Genja’s voice came from the communication device.
“I have been better. What is the situation?” Nanoha ask.

“We are holding well so far but is not good, more creatures arrive by the minute. At this rate they will defeat us by sheer numbers. We need to close that portal but they block all our attempts to fire at it”

“I understand. Order your men to pull back and I will destroy it in one blow, Takamachi out” Nanoha cut the communication and move from the crater the impact had made on the wall.

Nanoha look up at the dimensional breach where the creatures seem to be coming out. She saw many lights in the sky that indicate the location of other mages trying to reach it but then they move back leaving the space open. It was now or never. She got on the root of the building and place her feet firmly on the ground. The mana gather around her and a new magic circle appear under her feet glowing with a more intense light and creating a beacon that the creatures could see from the sky. Nanoha aim her device at the breach and load the cartridges, emptying the magazine and replacing with a new one.

“Let’s go Raising Heart, we destroy it in one blow” Nanoha smiled when the creatures gather above notice her and move down like one to attack. An aiming scope appear on top of her device and she make sure the dimensional breach was dead center. “Divine Buster Extension!”

The beam of cherry blossom mana destroy any creature on its way and reach the desire target exploding and destroying more of the creatures gather around it and for a few moments blocking the light of the sun. Nanoha did not take her eyes from the place of the impact and she let go a small sigh of relief when the dust clear and the breach appear sealed.

She let her device release all the vapor from its shaft and shirted upwards. Around the base a large cheer was heard from the mages. There were still some stragglers but without the apparently endless reinforcements the TSAB personal had a fighting chance.

“Any new orders Major?” Nanoha ask opening a channel again but to her surprise she only receive static. “Major Nakajima, are you there?”

Before she could try again a telepathic message reach her. It was Teana and her mental voice seem to be full of alarm.

“Nanoha-san, it was a trap! The enemy is in here! They came for the object!”

“Teana? What is going on?” Nanoha try to get an answer but before her student could add anything the building where the command center was exploded with a bright green glow.

4th Dimension's picture
Joined: 12/15/2016
Posts: 168

So far it’s reasonably interesting but hook is yet to appear I think. One strange thing to me was the fact that Nanoha was briefing Teana who is an Enforcer at that point. I would have expected for things to be done reversely. Teana is an enforcer, and was probably moved back to RF6 because of her Enforcer capabilities of leading an investigation. That is why I would have expected Teana to already know the situation, and Nanoha is there mostly to provide security and additional firepower. BTW I like Nanoha a lot, but she is not someone who is great at investigation or the character something like that should be expected from. In a way Nanoha is just a solution to military and combat situations, but not an investigator. But eh, it can still work sort of if Nanoha is Teana’s superior so she got the full briefing and the data while Teana gets the crumbs Nanoha gives you.
I also see that darkened rooms are all the used for research are still here.

I do hope you don’t mind me pointing some of the parts of the chapter what were not properly spelled or had grammar or were difficult to understand.

  • Nanoha could still appreciate some of Teana’s brash attitude I think appreciate is not suitable here. As it is you are saying that Nanoha likes that Teana is still a bit brash, which I do not think was your intention. I think you wanted to say basically that Nanoha could still detect/feel/sense some of Teana’s past brashness remaining, but largely she changed for better. So replace it with feel, sense etc.?
  • It sounded far fetch -> It sounded far fetched
  • had contacted her and ask her -> had contacted her and asked her
  • The purple-haired Investigator waved her had from behind her desk but saluted when they reach her -> multiple possibilities:
  • The purple-haired Investigator had waved her from behind her desk but saluted when they reached her
  • The purple-haired Investigator waved at her from behind her desk and saluted when they reached her
  • Give her and the rest my regards when you see them – While I understand the meaning of this sentence, I still think it’s missing the object of the regards. Something like “Give her and the rest of your family/sisters my regards when you see them.” feels better. Oh and add a full stop at the end of it.
  • “I guess giving your regards would be a bit redundant since we see each other so often…” – Who is seeing Teana often? Ginga? But then it doesn’t make sense since she is not giving Ginga regards to give to herself. Considering the subsequent dialogue, you probably are referring to Subaru, in which case at least change we to you or actually mention Subaru.
  • “I mean Subaru is always so pushing” I think you mean pushy not pushing.
  • Whatever it is has our technicians confused - Whatever it is, it has our technicians confused or Whatever it is it’s confusing our technicians
  • seem willing to speak more about so they -> seem willing to speak more about it, so they
  • The elevator doors open and they step out in to the lab. -> The elevator doors opened and they stepped out into the lab (or simply stepped into the lab).
  • Several large screens showed a series of numbers and data -> Are all screens supposed to be showing the same numbers? If not lose the article “a” because as it is it’s saying that the same series of numbers is on ALL of the screens. Nitpick: maybe replace data with something else like graphs because those numbers are the data.
  • but assumed they were related to the object they were looking for. – I think you are referring to the object that 108th already retrieved and that Nanoha and Teana are there to get? Even if it’s so I think you will need to rework this part a bit because my first thought after reading it was to assume the data is related with an object that is still being searched for by the scientists, not the found Lost Logia. Maybe change “they were looking for” with “they were sent to retrieve”.
  • Genya turned around to one of the workers – I would replace worker with scientists, technicians or even men. As it is it gives the impression he is addressing some builder, plumber or something that is there to fix or build part of the room. Oh, use technicians then since I see that is what you use in the next paragraph.
  • The Major introduced a security code and opened – use typed or even inputted instead of introduced. Is the case supposed to open for a multiple different security codes? If not change a into the, so it now refers to a specific code. Also I think the THE before Major is unnecessary, but I’m not sure if it’s actually wrong.
  • “And this is not a Lost Logia?” – When did they establish it’s not a Lost Logia? Because Teana seems to be arguing questioning that idea, that was not referred before this point. IN fact, at the beginning they say they are not certain what the object is.
  • we cannot tell” finish Genya – finish -> finished
  • The screens on the lab turned – change on to in.

I wrote this while half asleep. I apologize for any part that is clearly nonsensical. It's not surprising considering that I almost fell asleep (even dozed off) while writing it couple of times.

Sansker's picture
Joined: 10/01/2011
Posts: 1100

[Quick warning: I had to edit the previous post after I realize I did not insert the entire chapter at once, just the first part. My bad]

I welcome any criticism, and I don't mind you point out grammatical errors. English is not my first language and this is a raw translation, so do expect odd expressions here and there were I directly translate the Spanish sentence and the end result makes little sense.

Example: in my country we say “pura vida” to indicate something is good or alright, but a direct translation would be “pure life” which would sound odd, to say the least.

As for the story this one is short, the fic I mean, Nanoha was there to secure transport and Teana was merely asking if she had data she was not given. I came with this idea one night and wrote the fic in a single run. So it might look a bit rush at times.

4th Dimension's picture
Joined: 12/15/2016
Posts: 168

I'll read the rest after I post this, but seeing the length I'll probably not be posting grammatical corrections. Or will if they start bothering me too much.

English is not mine first language either, so I understand the trouble with translation.
Example in my language on top of my head would be "Kad na vrbi rodi grožđe", which translated literally would mean "when willows bear fruit to grapes" but should be translated as "when pigs fly". Not to mention that two words in two different languages allmost never have exactly 100% the same set of meanings in all situations. Most often this one word is a good translation in some of the contexts while another is good for other.
That is why translation should not be done literally word for word, and why Google translate still sucks at it, but by translating the intended meaning of the sentence. That goes doubly true for phrases and expressions. On the other hand mostly word for word is fine for a quick translation.

You did make couple of meaning mistakes, where you used an improper word and such, but most of your mistakes are gramar based. You seem to use Present Simple (no verb ending) too often in places where past simple (or maybe even perfect) should be used. In English Present Simple is almost NEVER or really rarely used, and only to denote actions that happen regularly. If I may make a suggestion, whenever you write about that had already happened/ended stick an ed at the end of the verb almost automatically and you will fix the majority of your mistakes. Then only the mistake of using Past Simple instead of Past Perfect, or vice versa, would remain but that is the kind of mistake I make too.

4th Dimension's picture
Joined: 12/15/2016
Posts: 168

First mention of Garganta – you should first show and then refer to it by name. As it is it causes confusion because the reader does not know what it refers to. I was confused if you already mentioned this term, or maybe you made a typo while typing Ginga or something. In fact you don’t need to namedrop the name in the description, have it be called by its name by one of the characters. Now using terms that are unfamiliar to the reader NOW, until you explain them, is fine as long as it’s part of sentences being said by a character that is aware of the term.
which one of them find quite interesting. – find -> found; replace the “;” with ,
Ulquiorra & Szayelaporro – are their names supposed to mean or refer to something? Because parts of them keep tugging on my mind and what little I know of Romansce languages but it’s not finding purchase.

The first figure moved his hand to accommodate his glasses. – you are probably trying to describe a scene where the glasses wearer is readjusting them on his nose to appear more smug and important. So accommodate should be replaced with touch, readjust or similar.
Genja -> Genya
assume command from a very trouble Lieutenant – trouble -> troubled, if the Lieutenant is looking troubled/perturbed/unnerved by what is going on.
Genja shout to get everyone to focus. – shout -> shouted. Depending on what you meant for this line it might be better as “shouted to get everyone’s attention”.
The large screens in the control room turn to live -> The large screens in the control room came to life

They have overrun the fields - ?
Genja ordered then look at the screens -> Genja ordered and then looked at the screens
From 800 meters above the base a large rapture in the sky seem to be the point of origin of the attack.-> A large rapture in the sky, 800 meters above the base, seemed to be the origin of the attack.
Assaulting the base look animalistic -> assaulting the base looked animalistic
white masks that look like bone around their faces -> white masks that looked like bone on/covering their faces
Nanoha tried but fail to -> Nanoha tried but failed to
clearly not organize and -> clearly not organized and
that had allow the mages to take back some ground despite the surprise -> allow-> allowed.
bestial ferocity were going threating to overrun the 108th -> bestial ferocity was threatening to overrun the 108th

Also considering the overall situation the mages are probably not REGAINING the ground but are now managing to hold it once the surprise at the attack has worn off. Still they are in trouble since they are massively outnumbered and could be overrun.
officer turn to Genja -> officer turned to Genya
“Too much interference I don’t know if our message manage to get out.” -> “Too much interference, I don’t know if our message made it out/got out/was heard”
Genja mumble more -> Genya mumbled more

When Genya and Teana are discussing the attack, I don’t think the word convenient is the correct one. I think they should be saying that it’s too much of a coincidence for two dimensional rifts of the same type to occur next to the same artifact for there not to be a connection between the two.
Nanoha look at Genja who did not oppose so she -> Nanoha looked at Genya who did not oppose her so she
stood up and salute. -> stood up and saluted.
smiled and perform -> smiled and performed
She grab her device and head for the exit.-> She grabbed her device and headed for the exit. Also you might want to change grabbed to took hold of or something like that since grabbed implies to me that she had left Rising Heart somewhere in the HQ and grabbed it as she was exiting, yet she was shown to be touching it couple scenes before.
could feel her heart racing up in anticipation - > could feel her heart racing in the anticipation
It had been a while since she join actual battle and not just training or exhibition matches -> It had been a while since she had been in a real fight and not just in a training or exhibition match (end the sentence here).
or kill nearby -> or killed nearby
was exited at the idea and -> was exited at the prospect of a real fight and

Considering the Nanoha’s character she would also be excited to fight BECAUSE people are being harmed around her, so her hero complex is kicking in so now she NEEDS to be out there and fight.
Nanoha exclaim when she reach the door. -> Nanoha exclaimed when she reached the door.
her mana flow across her body -> her mana flowed across her body
also transform becoming -> also transformed becoming
Nanoha step out in a blast -> Nanoha steped out in a blast

of cherry blossom color feathers – I think traditionally anything her magic made has been described as PINK (pink beams, pink shot balls etc.), so pink feathers. Then again I always saw them as white or very VERY light blue, but then again I’m terrible at colors.
when two wings appear at her heels -> at which point two wings sprouted at her heels
in to the sky-> into the sky
and turn around to attack Nanoha in a large group -> and a large group of them turned around to attack Nanoha
She hold her flight and float in midair -> She stopped her flight and floated in midair
to take notice of her surroundings and aim her device at the attackers. Change “to take notice of” to “note” or “inspect” or even “look around” at which point I would end the sentence. Next sentence would say that she aimed her device at her attackers. This way there is a better feel that she took note of her targets and then raised her device.
Also if it was me flying I would not be stopping to spot/look for targets but would be moving until I need to shoot therefore presenting a more difficult target for as long as possible. Then again they do do the same thing in the show so you are not off lore/feel of the setting vise.
circle appear under -> circle appeared under
a ball of light concentrate on the – I think grew is more appropriate
orbs appear around her and were launch at -> orbs appeared around her and were launched at
Also I think she only needs to stop to do her buster/beam attacks, I’m pretty certain she can do her shooting attacks while moving.
found a mark -> found its mark – All of them were aimed at specific targets and hit their targets. Using a instead of its implied that she scattered a bunch of shots all over the place and by some luck all of them hit some target.
making the attacker banish in a cloud of smoke and their bodies fall to the ground -> making the attacker vanish in a cloud of smoke from which some of them fell to the ground
Some would just disappear when hit and others fall to the ground to vanish moments later and others lay there, clearly dead, but not disintegrating like the rest. -> Some would just disappear when hit, some fell to the ground only to vanish moments later and others still lay there, clearly dead, and not disintegrating like the rest.
manage to reach her -> managed to reach her
and attack -> and attacked

Nanoha move her device to block and cast a shield when the creature try to use its mass to push her down. – As it is it gives the impression that Nanoha first blocked the attack with her device and THEN cast the shield, which is not how it’s done. You probably should change this to something along the lines of “Nanoha used her device to cast a shield and block the creature’s attack. With its attack stopped the creature tried to use its greater mass to push her down.” I meant to complain that Nanoha used a shield when it’s more likely that she would have used a simple barrier since it’s quicker to cast, but I then checked and remembered she is ridiculously skilled at defensive spells so tends to use shields for everything.
The barrier shake from the impact but hold and -> The shield shook from the impact but held and – Shields and barriers are not the same, neither in the looks nor in application as you are probably aware.

Okay from this point onward I’m stopping with commenting on grammatical errors, unless they interfere with readability.

Short Buster? I wanted to complain that you invented that one, but lo and behold it is one of her spells. She uses it in the Cradle. Good on you then.
strong enough to shatter the mask of the creature and disintegrate its body – Ehh this probably needs to be changed because as it is it implies that Nanoha willingly chose to DESINTEGRATE a humanoid opponent. Considering that she does not know if they are sentient or not I do not think she would willingly choose to destroy somebody. Hell most of her magic is deliberately crafted so as to only deal magical damage and prevent such disintegration. You might have wanted to say that the attack was strong enough to shatter the mask of the creature at which point it disintegrated?
load a couple of cartridges helping the buildup of her spell to be quicker and stronger – cartridges do not really help with the buildup of the magic of the spell, but inject more mana/magic into the spell than is possible. Theoretically I guess if you have a spell that needs to build up a certain amount of magic before firing, cartridge might help by supplying the needed magic via instant injection, but I don’t remember cartridges ever being used for that.
Exellion Buster – I don’t remember E.Buster having any great AOI capability. Hell, in general most of the Nanoha’s attacks are pretty focused and directed. Supposedly though Nanoha’s one and only attack in episode 20 of StrikerS is an E.Buster and seems to hit any targets anywhere near the path of her beam.
You better have a way of explaining how the enemy was able to penetrate the defenses and take out HQ defenses and the HQ itself in the short amount of time it took Nanoha to get off her attack on the breach. The antagonists being powerful is okay, but it’s not okay for them to be OP enough to ignore basic realities of combat. Otherwise they get too powerful, with little to no weaknesses and their defeat can often feel cheap and random.

It's an okay beginning, although as I noted the antagonists might appear to be a bit too OP. Also Nanoha's performance is a bit in question considering that A) she did not link up with friendlies before beginning her attack B) started her attack to close to the enemy which allowed them to close the distance too quickly and overwhelm her

Sansker's picture
Joined: 10/01/2011
Posts: 1100

Is not complicated on some of those things you said. Half were just artistic license, specially regarding the battle, and as for the rest I think is because the fic is actually a crossover with Bleach, another series, which again I fail to mention because I assume I did.

Yes, I know, need to read what I write down better. But just to be clear the Hollows and the rest are from Bleach so if you know about that series you can understand a bit more, if not I will offer as much context as I can.

4th Dimension's picture
Joined: 12/15/2016
Posts: 168

Sansker wrote:
Is not complicated on some of those things you said. Half were just artistic license, specially regarding the battle, and as for the rest I think is because the fic is actually a crossover with Bleach, another series, which again I fail to mention because I assume I did.

Yes, I know, need to read what I write down better. But just to be clear the Hollows and the rest are from Bleach so if you know about that series you can understand a bit more, if not I will offer as much context as I can.

Some things can, well most if you don't care spinning your fic into an AU, be ignored as artistic license but not how powers and spells work. Unlike some other parts of the lore they do tend to stick pretty rigorously to how different powers act, interact and their strengths and weaknesses (manga even gives quick ratings on power, speed and range for each spell used in it) to the point where in the audio commentary to the movies Nanoha and Fate can discuss with quite a bit of detail what they are doing and why they are using which attack.
Now I don't expect you to go in such detail if you are not aware of all of the strengths and weaknesses but you should have a general idea of what characters are capable of. Nanoha for example most often uses her shooters to spawn flocks of shots that fly around her and are controlled by her directly and are used to both block enemy shots and force enemy melee attackers to back off by threatening their backs. Various busters while impressive are only really effective if the target is standing still because it's unaware of Nanoha's attack or is bound. For defences, Nanoha is a veritable fortress, and her defensive spells are allmost as strong as her attacks because a) defense is her thing, her first spell and b) she was taught by Yunno a master barrier mage. She uses shields (which deflect incoming damage and are more effective but are slower to cast and actively use mana as long as they are active) more often than other characters who most often use barriers (quick to set up and do not drain mana nowhere near as fast and only really do that when stopping dammage, and damage is stopped by brute opposition of forces where the defender throws his magic into stopping the enemy magic) for defense.

As for this being a crossover, that is fine, but you do need to realize that not everyone is aware of the lore of the other work. Therefore I would stick to only explaining how things look to Nanoha verse characters and reserve the use of actual names for things for dialogue of characters who know how this things are called. Also not naming things outright keeps a degree of mystery of who could these intruders be.

Sansker's picture
Joined: 10/01/2011
Posts: 1100

Alright then, here goes chapter 2. I must say this one was a pain to translate. I struggle to make good fight scenes in Spanish so English is bound to be even worse. I apologize for that and hope the story itself doesn't proof too bad. For the sake of the page I split the chapter in two parts


Chapter 02: The Death and the White Devil I

“Phantom Blazer!”

A powerful orange beam was fire but Ulquiorra just took his right hand out of his pocket and stopped the blast with his palm. The energy was disperse when it fail to pierce his skin and the human girl who attack him took a step back. She seemed ready for another attack but he step in, covering the distance in a blink, and appearing behind her while she try to cast something.

“Cross…!” the girl managed to turn around and open her eyes in shock.

Ulquiorra hit her in the chest with his extended palm. The force send her backwards against the wall where she crashed and lay there, not moving anymore. The man let out a sigh and scan the place again for his actual target.

The control room was a real chaos with bodies lying everywhere, sometimes in a small pool of blood or just cover in dust, the controls were sparkling and their lights flicker constantly.
He found the box near the body of another girl, this one with purple hair, who had try to stop him and force him to destroy everything. It was surprising to find the other girl not only manage to survive but also counterattack. Maybe he had underestimate these humans, Ulquiorra thought, bending down to grab the container.

“Flash Impact!”

He turned around just in time to block something with his arm. The energy of the attack fail to break his defense but his new opponent was not done yet.

“Blaster System, Limit 1, Release!”

All of the sudden the energy increased and Ulquiorra felt being push back until the point of contact exploded. The blast sending him through the wall, out of the building. He spin around in midair and manage to land on his feet, using the friction to slow himself down and finally stop. He clench his left hand which seem cover in the remaining energy from the attack.

“Is not reiatsu but similar…” Ulquiorra look up when his attacker emerged from the control room and landed in front of him. That last hit had also fail to break his defense but it shake his arm in a very unpleasant manner. Maybe this one would be harder to deal with.


Nanoha did not move her eyes from the stranger or let her guard down as she descended. She touch her ear briefly to activate the communicator.

“The command center has been compromise, the Major and the rest of his staff need medical assistance” Nanoha said with a firm voice, she had casted a spell to make sure everyone was still alive before chasing after the suspect. “I will deal with the attacker, the rest focus on containing the rest of the creatures.”

“Understood, good luck Captain”

The mage move Raising Heart so it pointed to the sky when her feet touched the ground. The mysterious man just stare at her with strange and intense green eyes that remind her those of a cat, with small slit-shaped pupils. He was slender, of average height, messy black hair and pale white skin. Two teal lines descended from the lower part of his eyes and upon his head he wore what look like half a helmet on the left side of his head. The helmet in question was odd, just holding to his head without any king of stap, and it reminded Nanoha of the white masks the other creatures had.

The man wore a white jacket with long coattails that reach to the floor and a high neck, black sash, and a white hakama. On his waist rested a katana with a green handle and sheath. The guard had two curved extensions from its long sides with a line going through both sides, giving it an eye-like appearance.

Nanoha was not sure what to make of the man. She had attack him out of reflex when he found him in the ruins of the command center but despite taking a direct blow from her Blaster System with his bare hands he seem to be unharmed. Nanoha sensed no magic or hostility but there was a strange aura around him that gave her a bad feeling.

“I am Captain Nanoha Takamachi of the Special Duty Section 6 from the TSAB” she said breaking the silence. “I don’t know who you are or what you want but I must ask you to surrender and allow yourself to be escorted to a secure location. If possible I will want to avoid more violence.”

“… Avoid more violence?” the man repeated, she could almost swear there was a slight surprise in his tone. “If that is your wish then step aside. Once my mission is complete we will leave.”

“You are likely responsible for a dimensional crack and these creatures. I can’t let you leave after that” Nanoha clenched her hand around Raising Heart but did not move just yet.

“The device you encounter belongs to us and I have been tasked with its recovery. Anyone who intervenes will be eliminated.”

“Things don’t need to be that way” Nanoha replied, holding his gaze, but the intensity of those eyes felt like they were trying to drill in to her very soul. “If what you say is true then we can find a peaceful way to solve this!”

“What a curious idea indeed” a new voice said just behind Nanoha.

The mage turn around right away and she meet two small amber eyes that stare at her from behind rectangular-framed glasses. The new arrival was taller than the other man and dress in a similar fashion, in pure white but with a long shirt that covered his entire torso up to the top of his neck and white globes, only his face was not cover by fabric and his hair was shoulder-length pink with bangs on the right side of his forehead. He also had a katana on his hip but this one had a greyish-blue handle and grey sheath, and its tsuba look similar to the nucleus of an atom. Before Nanoha could say anything the man vanish with a strange sound and reappeared next to the first one in just the blink of an eye.

“Who are you?” Nanoha asked while she spin Raising Heart on her hand and pointed the device at the two of them.

“What a fascinating specimen, Ulquiorra” the man with glasses said, ignoring the question and talking to his companion. “Closing a Garganta just by brute force and that energy they wield… Do you mind if I take care of her? I am dying to see what else I can learn.”

“You always have the same bad habits, Szayelaporro” the one identified as Ulquiorra step forward, getting between Nanoha and his partner. “Our mission has priority. Be useful and recover the Hōgyoku or step out of the way. I will deal with her.”

“Why are you always so conceited?”

“I did not ask you to accompany me, you insisted” Ulquiorra said then he look at Nanoha. “Woman if you do not desire to fight just step aside or I will do it by force.”

“If that is you decision then…” Nanoha took a deep breath and let her magic flow, a circle of light appearing at her feet. A strong wind blow all the dust around her. “I will just have to defeat both of you. We can talk about it later.”

“Suit yourself…” Ulquiorra’s aura seem to increase as well.

“In that case I will…” Szayelaporro started saying but one look from the other two made his common sense beat his natural curiosity for once. “I think I will just leave you to your business.”

He vanish with another strange sound and the two combatants took that as a sign.

“Divine Shooter” Nanoha casted a series of bolts of energy around her and fired them at her opponent. The attacks hit Ulquiorra on his chest and head but while they exploded at contact he barely flinch.

“Pathetic” Ulquiorra said, taking his right hand out of his pocket.

Nanoha fire another round of magic projectiles but Ulquiorra vanished from sight and reappear to her right, striking with his open palm. Nanoha moved her device to block but the strength shaker her and she nearly let go of Raising Hearth. Ulquiorra chase after her and spin in midair, launching a kick at her, the mage casted a barrier but the impact shatter the defense and Nanoha was throw to the side, spinning in the air without control.

“Axel Fin” Raising Heart metallic voice was accompany with a cartridge being use. Two long cherry blossom color wings appear on Nanoha’s ankles and allow her to control her flight as to stop herself and reorient her vertical.

‘Two strikes with such power… not even Zafira-san can hit like that’ Nanoha thought. She loaded another cartridge to reinforce her magic and casted a new series of magic bolts around her ‘He is going to be hard to take down’.

Ulquiorra charge her once more. Nanoha launch the magic bullets but they exploded on him without causing any harm again. With a flash she elevated herself to avoid him and put some distance between them, Ulquiorra just kick the ground and fly after her without stopping for a second. The two ascended with Nanoha firing a series of magical orbs that fail to stop her attacker.

“Is useless” Ulquiorra vanish, using that strange technique and catch up with Nanoha, appearing in front of her and striking with his palm like he was going to impale her.


An energy barrier surrounded Nanoha and stop the strike but it break right away. Nanoha moved Raising Heart and another cartridge was fire from her device, its head shining with power.

“Strike Flame”

An energy blade emerge from Raising Heart’s tip and Nanoha made an uppercut movement with it, slashing Ulquiorra’s chest. There was a small flash of energy and the sound of tearing when the blade cut the man’s chest and the skin underneath. Both fighters step back to keep distances. Nanoha look at her device, it was stained with blood but not as much as she expected. Ulquiorra on the other hand seem to be examining his chest wound with interest.

“You manage to pierce my Hierro… how?” Ulquiorra ask, caressing the wound with the tip of his fingers.

“Hierro? I just notice there was some form of energy protecting your skin, I was trying to breach it” Nanoha replied. That much seem obvious since the moment he stop her Flash Impact. “I just needed to focus the right amount of power it seems.”

“I see” Ulquiorra closed his eyes and his right hand grabbed the handle of his katana. The blade came out with a slight metallic note. “I may have underestimate you after all, woman.”

Nanoha could feel a sudden wave of power emanating from her opponent even if she could not sense any magic in him. It was like someone just let a large weight on her shoulders. Ulquiorra aim the blade of his katana and took his other hand out of his pocket, placing it next to the handle of the weapon, extending his index finger. A small green light appearing on the tip. Nanoha lined Raising Heart as well and started charging her own attack.


“Divine Buster!”

Sansker's picture
Joined: 10/01/2011
Posts: 1100

And here is the second part of the second chapter. Again apologies for horrible english.


Chapter 02: The Death and the White Devil II

The two beams, one green and the other pink, crashed between the two fighters and cancel each other in a powerful explosion. Nanoha covered her eyes to protect them but as she lower her hand she catched a glimpse of Ulquiorra descending on her and striking with his sword. She casted a shield in front of her, deflecting the blow, but he swing again and the pink defense shatter.

Nanoha moved backwards, getting distance between the two of them and made her device load three more cartridges. Raising Heart’s shaft glow with power and sprouted 4 energy wings across its head and frame. Nanoha aim the Strike Flame at her opponent and move her body to support a thrust.

“A.C.S Driver!”

Ulquiorra moved his katana and blocked the energy blade but the impact was so strong that Nanoha force him back in the air. The two moved at high speed across the air until he tip his blade up and Nanoha continue forward while he slide to the side. The white robe mage use her magic on the wings on her ankles to control the impulse and stop herself, trying to keep Ulquiorra in her line of sight.

Nanoha started to cast a new spell and a series of magic bullets appear around her. She fired them but the man vanish before they could hit him. Nanoha made a gesture with her hand, taking control of the projectiles and recalling them to her location. The bullets home on her just as Ulquiorra reappear at her back taking him by surprise. He was caught in the explosion which allow Nanoha to move away.

‘He is strong. Reacts to everything I throw at him and counterattacks right away’ Nanoha thought, looking at the smoke and trying to control her breath. ‘I manage to break his defense but is hard to find holes on his posture, is almost like fighting a machine’.

Bellow her there was no further signs of battle which seem to indicate the creatures have been defeated or they were inside the building. Nanoha spare a thought for Teana and the others, she was not sure if they were fully alright but she knew that if she tried to focus on that Ulquiorra would make her pay for it, she needed to keep her full attention on him.

“Not bad… for a human” the blade of his katana emerge through the smoke and a simple swing disperse the entire cloud. Ulquiorra walk out of it, his method for flying was different to anything Nanoha ever seen, he literarily stepped in the air like it was solid ground. “Each minute that passes makes me more curious about you, woman.”

“Well thank you, Ulquiorra-san is quite strong as well” Nanoha replied, noticing how he didn’t seem wounded. Her hands clench around Raising Heart. “Seems I will have to use that after all.”

Nanoha took a deep breath and let her power flow freely from her Linker Core. She felt the energy moving across her body, at first like a warm current but she increase the flow and it became almost painful, like her veins were fill with fire. Still she hold it and cast a magic circle under her feet, letting her aura grow and push the air around her.

“Blaster System, Limit 2… Release!”

“Blaster Syster?” Ulquiorra repeated, frowning lightly.

A wave of power push against him and he took a step back. Nanoha focus on her device and look to her sides where the two small Blaster Bits appear. They were small copies of Raising Heart’s golden head and reacted to her magic. She aim them and launch the two at Ulquiorra at high speed.

The man’s katana flashed and there was a loud metallic sound when the blade block the first Blaster Bit, sending it to the side, then another when the second reached him right after. The katana shake quite a bit but Ulquiorra mana to keep a solid grip on it and lift his left hand to attack.


Nanoha extended her right hand and a shield appear on her palm. The green beam clash against the barrier but despite the intensity she manage to keep it up and the energy bypass her without hurting her or breaking the shield.

Raising Heart loaded a series of cartridges and expel the empty magazine. Nanoha close her palm, making the shield dissipate and grabbed her device with both hands, a small buildup of energy already appearing on the tip of the weapon.

“Exelion Buster!”

Ulquiorra fire another beam from his finger and both attacks clashed. At first they seem equal but then the pink ray started to push the green one back and Ulquiorra was overwhelm by the attack.

Nanoha smiled but then her opponent’s figure emerge from the smoke and she just barely manage to lift her device to block the blade of the katana. Nanoha could almost feel Raising Heart cracking under the pressure from the sword and try her best to hold. Ulquiorra pull the katana back and swing again, not giving the mage time to fly away and forcing her to fight in close quarters.

The katana swing in a flurry of movement and Raising Herat spin in the air to meet it. Nanoha use her device as a polearm, reinforcing her defense with a series of small shields where the two weapons crashed, each impact shattering the small defenses but diminishing the momentum enough to let her match Ulquiorra’s speed and strength.

The two exchange a series of fast flows, trying to hit their opponent directly. The metal clashes were incredibly loud, like gunfire, sending waves of power each time the katana and the device made contact. Nanoha knew she could not match her opponent for long so she summon the Blater Bits back just as Ulquiorra launched a trust, extending his arm and Nanoha took the chance to counter.

A Blaster Bit appear at Ulquiorra’s left and trapped his left arm with a small bind, pulling him up. He move the katana to try and destroy it but then the second Blaster Bit trap his right arm and the two pull each limb. Nanoha step back while he started to force with the binds to break free.

“Blaster Bit, Crystal Cage” Nanoha moved her hands to give the command and the two Bits broke away from Ulquiorra, forming a pyramid of pink light around him, trapping him inside of it.

“What is this?” Ulquiorra examined the walls of his prison. “You think this will stop me?”
“It seems it already did” Nanoha replied, she looked down at the base. There was the other man to consider. “I will go to look for your partner, Ulquiorra-san, for now you stay here and…”

He did not wait for her to finish and slashed at the Crystal Cage with his sword. The walls tremble with the impact but the spell didn’t break nor crack. Nanoha let out a sigh of relief and allow herself to relax a bit, her breathing was quite heavy now but she only got a few seconds to recover her breath.

“… Seems I do not have a choice either” Ulquiorra lifted his sword again but this time he did not strike the cage, rather just pointed the blade forward. “I did not expect anyone here would force me to take things so far… Imprison Murciélago.”

A thick smoke covered Ulquiorra and blocked him from sight. Nanoha felt how the walls of the Crystal Cage were push by a new force and despite her attempts she could not hold the together and it exploded. The blast pushing her away.

The smoke spread and condensed in the air, like a cloud blocking the sunlight over Nanoha. Then a black rain fell down as it dissipated, covering her and letting her see what happen.
Ulquorra stepped forward but he had change. Two large, black bat wings grew on his back, his hair was longer and wilder, and the half helmet center atop his head, with two large horns extending outward to the sides towards the front. His clothes now look more like a robe, being tight on the upper part and looser on the bottom.

“But what… what is that?” Nanoha asked. She felt that strange pressure around her once more, like the air became heavier just by Ulquiorra’s mere presence and there she got the impression he was not entirely human.

“This is call Resurreción. It’s what happen when an Arrancar releases his zanpakutō” Ulquiorra replied, he made a gesture as so signal the air around him. “We are akin to those Hollows you fought, but we have archive a higher state of evolution. I suppose I should congratulate you for forcing me to reveal my full power, woman, but we are done now.”

“And what is that supposed to mean?” Nanoha recover her composure and assume a fighting stance. “This battle isn’t over yet!”

“It is. You already lost” Ulquiorra lifted his hand where a green light started to form. “You just don’t know it yet… Luz de la Luna.”

It was too fast. Nanoha was barely able to see it but Ulquiorra form a javelin of green energy on his hand and throw it at her. She reacted quicly and a barrier form around her, but the javelin crush it like it was made of glass and the shockwave almost made her lost her device.

Nanoha was push back and even as she felt the wave of the explosion hit her she saw Ulquiorra moving faster than before and closing the distance between them. A new spear appear on his hand and the point move towards her head. Her reactions were like in slow motion. Nanoha lifted Raising Heart up, trying to use the energy blade on the tip, but as it made contact with the other javelin the world vanish in a green light.

The second explosion was even worse and it send Nanoha towards the ground at high speed. She spin in the air without control, trying to force her magic to break her fall, but the floor, or rather the roof of the base, came to meet her too fast and she was just able to cast a series of shields to reduce her speed and not crash. The magic barriers appear one at top of another and they cushion her fall enough to land softly.

‘He is faster now’ Nanoha thought. Her right arm was bleeding and the Barrier Jacket was starting to get stain with blood, she also felt another series of smaller pains on her entire body but she seem to be in once piece. ‘If I had taken a second longer I would be dead. Only Fate-chan is that fast’.

Nanoha took a moment to gather her surroundings and condition, she was on top of one of the buildings in the base away from the command center. As for her device she notice a crack on it, there where she manage to block the last attack. Both she and Raising Heart were being stretch to the limit just to endure the Blaster System and the fight was not helping matters.

“You are still alive, impressive” Ulquiorra appeared above her. “If you had not cast that barrier at point blank you would be dead. You have good instincts. But it ends now.”

“You are clearly strong, Ulquiorra-san.” Nanoha said, ignoring his comments. “But like I said: we are not done yet.”

“Ridiculous. My power now surpasses yours. What could you possibly do?”

Nanoha didn’t answer and instead focus her senses on the air around them. She sensed the mana that had been use and now fill the base with a large amount of energy. If she could harness that power she might had a chance, but she would need to stop Ulquiorra for a few moments to gather it.

“Blaster System… Limit 3, Release!”

The sudden burst of power surprise even Ulquiorra. A large column of air push the dust around Nanoha as her aura increase in intensity and her magic flow with even more freedom on her body, now causing her physical pain, but she endure it and let the energy move with her to prepare a new spell. The cloud of dust was disperse and in front of Ulquiorra were 4 Blaster Bits floating around Nanoha and all aiming at him charging an attack.

“Divine Buster!”

The 5 pink beams of energy combine in to one and head for the Arrancar like a battering ram. His Hierro seem to expand around him like a barrier to block the blast but the energy was too powerful and it push him back, sending him away towards the ground, causing a large explosion that blind everyone in the base. Nanoha took the chance to fly over the base and she immediately started to gather her final movement, creating a larger magical emblem under her feet.

Ulquiorra emerged from the ground shaking his wings to disperse the dust and his eyes darted towards her. Nanoha send the Blaster Bits down towards the Arrancar that rush her right away. The small devices where easily deflected and he closed distances. Nanoha knew her attack was not ready and close her eyes preparing for the impact but someone else intervened.

5 mages from the 108th Battalion launch themselves from the base and attack Ulquiorra, forcing him to shift his attention to them.

“No! Wait!” Nanoha try to warn them but it was too late.

Ulquiorra block the spells with his wings and then attack. Three mages were impale by the green javelins and fall to the ground before they could even see what hit them. The other two froze for a second but the Arrancar didn’t need more and close distance with them, easily dispatching the duo with well place punches that were accompany by the terrible sound of bones cracking.

Nanoha clench her teeth and prepare to fire, even if she was just at 50% strength. Her device deploy a tactical view and she focus it on Ulquiorra. He look up and seem to vanish again, reappearing 50m to her right. Nanoha try to shift position but then she saw Ulquiorra’s index finger pointing at her, and she knew she would not make it in time but try anyways.


“Cero Oscuras”

A large black beam with a green outline shine and hit Nanoha. The sky over the base was cover by a giant explosion that outshine the sun for a few seconds and Nanoha’s entire world vanish in a black-green glow.

Sansker's picture
Joined: 10/01/2011
Posts: 1100

And the final chapter in this epic... eh, thing. Looking back I almost feel ashamed of what I did but I prefer to finish things properly. Any comment or suggestion is more than welcome and to those that manage to read it I just say: If I entertained you, that was my intention, but if I bored you, I beg your forgiveness.


Chapter 03: Toward the Broken Sky

Nanoha’s first thought was that she had pick a terrible spot to fall asleep: It was hard, cold and full of dust. She slowly opened her eyes and look around her, when did she decided to take a nap on the roof? She attempted to sit up but a sudden burst of pain made her stop and bite her lip before she screamed. Her entire body felt numb and something warm seem to be dripping down her forehead.

She reach up to touch it and saw the sleeve of her Barrier Jacket was torn apart, her other hand was holding Raising Heart but when Nanoha directed her gaze notice the device’s red core was full of cracks and look like it was about to break. What had happen? Did she…?

The memories returned to her at that moment: The attack, her battle with Ulquiorra, her last attempt to fire a Starlight Breaker and the sudden realization that she wouldn’t make it in time… then the resulting explosion in which she barely avoided a direct hit in the last second.

Nanoha greeted her teeth and try to move again. Her body protested and tremble in pure agony but she forced herself up, using her device as a cane and support. Her Barrier Jacket was torn and cut in several places, with red stains from the wounds she sustained.

“Raising Heart… are you al-alright?” Nanoha asked her device, ignoring the pain on her chest when she spoke which signal a broken rib, maybe more than one. Her Barrier Jacket tight around her torso to keep the bones in place in an automatic response.
Raising Heart’s frame was full of cracks but still the red jewel in the center responded with a red glow.

“All… Ri… ight… Mas… ter” the voice sounded like it was coming from underwater.
Nanoha nodded, that will have to do even if seem far from the truth at the moment.

“You survived, woman” Ulquiorra’s voice was as cold and calm as ever. Nanoha look up to see him appear above her, his wings extending to his side to block her view. “If you had taken a second longer to fire that half charge attack my Cero Oscuras would have kill you, fascinating. But it seems that was all you got, was it not? Such a pity.”

Ulquiorra descended and form a new green javelin in his hand. Nanoha wanted to answer but the oppressive aura emanating from the Arrancar was so intense that it took all of her remaining strength just to stand in front of him. Ulquiorra step closer and the energy spear move towards her chest to deliver the final blow. Nanoha could only watch as the tip got closer and closer.

“Protection” a mechanical voice interrupted the silence.

“Raising Heart!” Nanoha recover her voice and a small pink barrier block the advancing spear but it just hold it for a second before it crack, alongside the red jewel in Raising Heart’s core. With a faint glow her Barrier Jacket disappear as well and Nanoha fall to her knees when her support fail her, holding the remains of her device.

“… Seems you still had some fight in you” Ulquiorra look at Raising Heart for a second. “So that thing had a mid of its own and was worried about you… how worthless.”

He lifted his arm to impale her once more and Nanoha knew this time she wouldn’t be able to stop it. The spear descended, almost in slow motion, as her eyes grew blurry from some tears that push against them. She was not sad for herself but for those in the control room, for Hayate who she let down and for her little girl, Vivio, who she wouldn’t be able to see again.

Nanoha wanted to move for them, to fight on, but even if her spirit was strong it could not give that strength to her body. She was going to die there, she realize with the green glow getting closer, and there was nothing she could do. Her last thought was for that woman she love above everyone else. ‘I’m sorry Fate-chan, I hope I can see you again someday’ and then…

“Sonic Move.”

A golden light touched Nanoha and she felt her body being lifted out of the way of the green javelin that destroy the floor where just a second ago she was standing. Nanoha press herself against the warm body that had so gently pick her up and she felt her tears getting even stronger, but now out of happiness. Not just a second ago she was sure she would never hug this person again or see her gentle red eyes looking back at her, from the golden halo of light that her magic and hair always created.

“Fate-chan” Nanoha whispered, placing her head against the other woman’s chest.

“Sorry Nanoha, we took a bit too long.” Fate answer, she was obviously worry but manage to give her a reassuring smile. “You can rest now, we will take care of the rest now.”

“We?” Nanoha asked, a bit confuse.

Fate landed and put her down, letting her rest against a wall.

“Yes, we have all arrive now” another voice said.

“Hayate-chan, Shamal-san!” Nanoha smile when she saw the other two appearing but a sudden movement made her ribs protest and she had to bite her tongue to hold the pain. Shamal went right next to her and kneel down, using her healing magic to treat her right away.

“You had a hard fight, Nanoha-chan” Hayate said, holding her golden staff in one hand and the Tome of the Night Sky in the other. “Take it easy, we will deal with this guy.”

Above their heads the sky was illuminated by a new green explosion.

Ulquiorra let the spear vanish in his hand and look in the direction where his target had just vanish. ‘That other woman was too fast, she even manage to evade my Pesquisa. If she had strike me instead…’ the Arrancar thought, showing a slight sign of disgust. ‘Typical of humans, putting their companions above securing victory.’ He took a step and prepare to follow but another presence appear on top of him.

“Giant Hammer!”

A large hammer head descended upon him, however Ulquiorra lifted his hand to catch it. The impact was strong enough to shake his arm and make a crate under his feet because of the momentum it was carrying but he stop it. Looking at the other end he was surprise to see a small child dress in red staring intently at him.

“You!” she seem to be struggling to keep her calm. “You were the one who injure Nanoha, right?!”

“So what?” Ulquiorra replied, he push the hammer away from him. “If you are going to get angry, then blame your superiors for not sending someone capable in the first place.”

The little girl stepped back and a triangle, not unlike the circles Nanoha had use, appear at her feet glowing with red energy and she seem to expel to empty cartridges from her hammer, looking at Ulquiorra with a clear killing intent.

“Graf Eisen! Raketen Form!”


The head of the hammer change form, looking more like a missile now and the girl spin around, being pull by the rockets on the hammer itself. The girl attack him, moving surprisingly fast and precise, swinging her weapon at his head. Ulquiorra used the Sonido and step out of the way, appearing behind his opponent.

“Luz de la Luna”

She was able to bring her hammer back and the head clash against the javelin, causing it to explode in a large energy glow that crack the hammer and send the small warrior to the ground where she crashed hard. Ulquiorra consider finishing her off but someone else attack, this time on his right.

“Shiden Issen!”

The new attacker was a mage with pink hair, a couple of tones darker than Szayelaporro’s as Ulquiorra notice despite himself, swinging a flaming blade. He conjure a new Luz de la Luna and use it as a sword to block the attack. The fire engulf him but his Hierro was able to repel it.

“You appear one after another.” He said looking at the swordsman eyes. “It’s starting to get annoying.”

“Can you keep saying that when you nearly lose an arm?” the woman keep the pressure on her blade but then release it and step back in the air. “You luck strong. I am Lt. Signum, of the Special Duty Six from the TSAB. Mind telling me your name?”

“… Ulquiorra Cifer.”

“I am piss off enough that I would not mind a single combat against you” Signum said and then look behind Ulquiorra. “But that won’t be possible, right Testarossa?”

“I’m a Enforcer of the Special Duty Six, Fate T. Harlaown” the blonde girl that save Nanoha appear behind him, holding a black device with a yellow energy blade growing on the end. “I suggest you put down your weapon and surrender.”

Ulquiorra look back at her but he sense the change in the situation. The presence of the last Hollow vanish and, like they were waiting for it, the rest of the soldiers and the new arrivals converge on his person, surrounding him completely.

“Frigid Dagger” A series or sharp light blue daggers form around the Arrancar and another mage with short brown hair step forward, holding a book and a golden staff. “I am the commander, Hayate Yagami, and you hurt my subordinates enough already. Surrender now or face the consequences.”

Ulquiorra took a moment to examine the new development. ‘Most are just trash, but those 3 could be a problem’ he thought, his eyes darting from Signum to Hayate, to Fate. ‘In any case is not my mission to defeat them.’ Ulquiorra relaxed his posture and let his Resurreción vanish, returning Murciélago to its blade form and sheathing the blade slowly. The women seem glad but they did not let their guard down.

“Szayelaporro” Ulquiorra call out loud before anyone could say anything.

The other Arrancar appear next to him inside the field of daggers like had been there the entire time. Everyone jump on their places but he ignored them.

“What is the matter, Ulquiorra?” Szayelaporro passed a hand across his hair and put it behind his ear. “I am getting incredible data from all this…”

“You had enough time. Do you have it?”

“Right, the mission… yes, yes, here it is.” The pink hair man took something out of his pocket and show it to him. The Hōgyoku shine in his hand for a moment and he put it away again.

“The mission is complete then. We are retreating now.” Ulquiorra said.

“You are trying to escape?” Fate casted a spell and several magic volts appear around her. The other mages also aim their spells at the duo. “We won’t let you get away.”

“Such primitive and crude methods, why fighters are always so simple minded?” Szayelaporro fake to be hurt and then grinned, looking up. “It is time.”

Above them, in the clouds, another large Garganta rip the sky open. A series of large figures with white masks emerge from it, howling in a thousand different voices and all the presents could see a large eye looking down behind the figures, like it was directing them. A cascade of golden light fall and form a square barrier around the two Arrancars.

“You won’t escape!” Hayate gave the order and everyone attack at once but despite the large explosion they cause the barrier barely register any damage.

“That won’t do. The moment this Negación touch us we became unreachable for you.” Szayelaporro said, pushing his glasses up and laughing at them. “Don’t feel bad, you were all quite rare subjects to observe. So long, at least until we get another chance to see each other again, mages.”

Ulquiorra ignored his companion but his eyes look away from Fate and the others, focusing on Nanoha who was still being healed. Despite being so far away she still manage to hear Ulquiorra’s voice as he call her out.

“So long, Nanoha Takamachi. I say you turn out to be an interesting person after all.”
Nanoha could not answer because at that moment the white hands of the large creatures receive the duo and the Garganta close, like it had never been there.