Skip to main content

new school, new found love

30 replies [Last post]
fatexnanohafan's picture
Offline
Joined: 01/07/2012
Posts: 16

Fate was about to leave from school when her older sister stopped her.
“FATE!” Alicia called out trying to catch up to her little sister
“Onee-chan what is it?”
“Today is your first day at my school correct? So I need to be with you all the time, at least only for today”
“Onee-chan don’t worry I can take care of myself, I don’t want to bother you after all” Fate said with determination. Ever since her mother Precia married to her long time girlfriend Lindy Harloawn, fate was forced to withdraw from her previous school and go to her Onee-chan and Onii-chan’s school.
“Fate, you are my sister and it will never bother me to spend some time with you, I am older that you by a year, therefore if something happens to you on the first day of school our mothers will kill me.”
“ fine, let’s get going Onii-chan told me to be early so that I can get a full tour”
When fate arrived to her now new school she was amazed by how big it was. There were several students walking, riding bikes, and were riding cars. Probably rich students study here. Thought fate, she was thinking about her classes before her sister tugged her shirt.
“Fate~ come on we’ll be late”
“Alright.”
When fate was finally inside the building Alicia’s friends and girlfriend came up to her.
“Alicia! Good morning” they all said in unison
“ahh! Hayate, suzuka, Arisa, good morning”
“ It’s a shock to see you here in school so early, you’re always late, so tell us why are you here early in the morning?”
Hayate asked grinning, while the others just laughed at her. They were right Alicia was never the one to wake up early.
“Mou Hayate-chan that’s mean be thankful you’re my girlfriend I would have hit you just now.” Alicia said almost forgetting her sister beside her.
“why thank you Alicia, I love you” Hayate said.
“AHH! That’s right i almost forgot this is my sister fate.”
“G-good M-morning” fate said while trying to hide a blush.
“kyaa~ how cute Alicia-chan where were you hiding your sister all these tome?” Suzuka asked while holding Arisa’s hand.
“uhmm... you see fate was studying abroad and just came back here recently. You know since our mothers got married they won’t let fate go back to the states with our dad”
The only reaction Alicia got were ohh’s and ahh’s then fate suddenly remembered she had to go to her brother chrono.
“uhh uhhmm.... onee-chan onii-chan said I needed to see him now” and with that they left and went straight to the student council room.
“Onii-cha I’m here” fate said as she sat on one of the couches while Alicia went to class.
“ahh fate this is you instructor Mrs. Carim Gracia”
“Hello I am Fate T. Harloawn it’s a pleasure to meet you” fate said politely while bowing.
Fate was now in front of the class introducing herself.
“M-my.... name is F-fate T. H-harloawn i A-am 16 years old.” Fate said with a blush on her face.
“kyaa!! She’s so cute....” her classmates said while smiling joyfully.
Eventually lunch cam and she wanted to go to the rooftop to be alone.
“Fate-chan!!! Let’s get lunch..” her older sister with her friends and girlfriend shouted calling her attention. All fate could do was sigh and go. She only wanted to be alone but no her sister, brother and even her mothers refrained her from being alone maybe because she was the youngest in the family.
While they were walking to the cafeteria fate was in her lala-land and did not notice she was about to hit someone, then she found herself on the floor above a girl named Nanoha Takamachi.
She then got up and apologized with a crimson red blush on her face
“i’m s-s-s-sorry” she stuttered out helping the girl get back up
Nanoha only smiled amused by the girl in front of her and said
“I’m fine don’t worry I’m ok” and with that she left with two other girls walking with her. Fate then noticed how people were starting to stare at her; whispering and gossiping about her.
“Fate! Are you alright? I can’t believe you talked to Takamachi-san” her sister Alicia asked
“y-yes i’m fine Onee-chan and why wouldn’t you believe i talked to Takamachi-san? Who is she anyways?” fate while tilting her head
“What? Takamachi-san is the leader if the trinity”
“the what?” fate asked more confued
“the trinity composes of 3 girls: Kaede, Yukino from class 3-b;Fuyumi, Izumi from the same class and the last is Takamachi, Nanoha from class 3-a. They are the most beautiful, smartest and richest in the school. They usually ignore everyone but themselves but you managed to talk to her and make her smile at you” Alicia said grinning like an idiot.
The whole day ended and fate just kept on thinking about nanoha and her smile.

Crazyla's picture
Offline
Joined: 02/05/2012
Posts: 434

Mh, you could probably use a good beta reader, and I guess you were looking for a different word here: "Alicia-chan where were you hiding your sister all these tome?”"
Tome=book, doesn't make much sense.

Also, I suggest to work on formatting, adding scene breaks and the like.

Last thing, when Fate bumps into Nanoha, even if she doesn't know her you give us her name straight away. I don't know how to explain it, but it's strange. I'd hold back using her name until Alicia tells it to Fate.

I hope you'll find this useful.

fatexnanohafan's picture
Offline
Joined: 01/07/2012
Posts: 16

sorry that was suppose to be time.
and thanks it was very useful sorry kinda new at this :)

Crazyla's picture
Offline
Joined: 02/05/2012
Posts: 434

Ah, don't worry, practice makes perfect.
Pointing out things that might need to be fixed is my way to help you along getting better faster. ;)

fatexnanohafan's picture
Offline
Joined: 01/07/2012
Posts: 16

uhmm... so this is chapter 2

It had been a week since Fate’s first encounter with nanoha, she had been spacing out more than usual, grinning more than usual and blushing more than usual.
“Fate~chan! Stop spacing out let’s go home geez your always in your lala-land you haven’t even chosen your club yet” her sister Alicia interrupted fate’s precious daydream
“Alright Onee-chan I’m sorry, and besides I have chosen a club and it’s the track team and kendo club, since signum is there” Fate said
“ahhh right you bestfriend since grade school. Seriously why don’t you two start dating? You do have the same interests”
“Onee-chan signum loves shamal and besides I don’t have feelings for signum”
“ahh right i forgot sorry, but you need to get a girlfriend you’ll get one anyways with your body and handsome looks girls will start falling for you”
“O-onee-chan stop it! Anyways I have to go sign up for kendo”
“ah! But before you go there I should warn you the trinity is there”
“I see anyways signum is going to kill me if I’m late”
In the kendo club:
“Okay everyone this is Fate T. Harloawn she will be our new member”
“H-hello everyone uhmm please be gentle on me” fate said blushing
“hmmm.... she has a very handsome face, *touches her waist* hmmm a very slim and sexy body, shy and down to earth how would you like to be my new girlfriend?” Fuyumi, Izumi said while roaming around fate.
“kyaa~~ unfair how come the new student gets to talk to takamachi-san and get Fuyumi-san?” her fans were complaining and getting a bit jealous.
“Fu-fuyumi Se-sempai I-I-I-“
“Hold on a minute we are not here to make lovey-dovey we are here to do kendo”
Signum interrupted saving fate from the demonic aura coming from Izumi
Nanoha felt a pang in her chest, watching her friend confess to that girl, she should be happy but for some reason she felt almost jealous.
Lunch:
Lunch has just arrived and for the first time Alicia hasn’t bothered fate, she could finally be alone now. So fate went to the secret garden she found a couple of days ago.
She was about to sit beside the tree when she picked up a note that fell from her bag
It said:
Dear Harloawn-san
Go behind the gym at lunch, and if you don’t I’ll make sure you regret it
Fate was now curious to who had given her that letter so she went behind the gym
Behind the Gym:
“uhmm hello?” fate asked searching for the person who had given her the letter
“ah your here I knew you’d come” Fumiya izumi said with the other members of the trinity
“ah-ah FU-fuyumi Se-sempai” fate said blushing like a tomato
Nanoha can only be amused at how cute this girl was
“hahaha you really are cute I like you so do you wanna be my girlfriend?”
Fate could only blush harder if it was possible so Izumi took it as a shy yes and kissed fate right on the lips
Fate could only stood shocked at how a girl’s lips were on hers.
Soon their lips were parted and fate still stood there too shocked to react to anything.
Nanoha then felt an unbearable pain in her chest; it was like a hundred knives were just stabbed into her heart as she watched her bestfriend confessing to a girl. Why this girl of all people why?? She can just get any other girl at this school why her why her? Nanoha thought.
Izumi was now holding hands with fate walking her to her class.
How the hell did I get a girlfriend? And why did I even say yes to her? Wait I didn’t she just kissed me then told me we were together. Dammit father will kill me. Fate said in her mind while she was being brought to her classroom by her now new girlfriend
They finally reached fate’s classroom. Izumi then kissed fate and said goodbye to her.
Her classmates were screaming from jealousy and annoyance, fate now has to be careful if she wants to survive this school.

Crazyla's picture
Offline
Joined: 02/05/2012
Posts: 434

Two things to keep an eye on:
-Capitals, as more often than not you write fate instead of Fate.
-Your and you're. Many authors write one instead of the other since they're pronounced the same, but the meaning is very different, so be careful.

Now, in the first part of the chapter, I see you've broken and separated the different scenes, but doing so many times in so little times gives a... chopped up, fragmented feeling.
Also there are just dialogues there. Maybe you could try to incorporated some narration and/or description. It doesn't have to be much, just something to help it all flow more smoothly, and maybe transform many little scenes into a bigger one like in the "behind the gym" part.

fatexnanohafan's picture
Offline
Joined: 01/07/2012
Posts: 16

thanks crazyla i really appreciate you comments it helps me a lot hahah so i really appreciate it thanks again :)

Crazyla's picture
Offline
Joined: 02/05/2012
Posts: 434

Eh, I try. I know it's hard to write, especially your first fanfic, and even communities that should help writers (like fanfiction.net) really don't offer much as reviewers, with few exceptions, either flame or demand updates.

But as you'll continue to write you'll become better. (I'm repetitive, aren't I?)

P.S. - you'll notice I haven't said anything about the plot and I focused on the technical aspect, it's partly because the story just started and partly because there's no plot holes (yet? =P).
However, one thing worth noticing is that you already have two OCs, which are some of the hardest things to write well. That is a brave choice for any author, especially a first timer.

Nanoha-sama's picture
Offline
Joined: 05/30/2010
Posts: 357

Oh my my, Nyahaha. I want more of this story, it's just exellent seeing a jealous Nanoha. Nyahaha. It's pretty nice. Keep writting ! :)


Spoiler:

fatexnanohafan's picture
Offline
Joined: 01/07/2012
Posts: 16

uhm.. this is chapter 3

NANOHA’S POV:
Dammit! Why is it so hard to see my best friend and this girl go out? Wait do I like Izumi? No of course not she’s my best friend. Do I like this testarossa girl? No she’s just another girl with blonde hair, red lonely eyes, sexy body woah! Hold it; did I just say what I think I said? Dammit i’m falling for this girl. I’m the leader of the trinity for god’s sake I shouldn’t fantasize about my best friend’s girlfriend I-I just can’t help it she’s just too hot
“uhmmm T-takamachi san” oh god she’s here. She’s blushing so darn cute ahhh focus Nanoha focus.
“I-izumi S-sempai told me t-to pick you up since you were spacing out all morning”
“ehh? Pick me up for what?”
“T-the I-izumi S-sempai’s party”
“ahh right let’s get going then” dammit why is she so cute and shy? She’s driving me crazy those lips of hers, those cherry soft lips of hers I could kiss all day. Wait what I’m fantasizing about her again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NORMAL POV
Fate and Nanoha had just stepped in Izumi's party. Right when Izumi saw Fate she leaped and hugged her precious girlfriend which Nanoha found annoying.Izumi led fate to the dance floor so they could dance, Fate was obviously too shy to dance so she escaped and headed towards the bar.
"may i get you anything?" said the bartender
"can i have something to drink?"
"sure what would you like?"
"anything would be fine" the bartender then placed the drink in front of fate.
Nanoha then spotted the blond beauty at the bar and approached her only to find a drunk Fate. Nanoha smelled the glass in front of fate and found out it was alcoholic drink but it wasn't enough to get a person drunk, Fate obviously did not know how to handle a drink Nanoha mused to herself as she carried the blond girl out of the party. Nanoha did not know where Fate's house was so she brought her to her own house. Nanoha's heart was racing as she laid the blond on her bed. she was staring at the girl sleeping peacefully on her bed. god she looks so cute i could just eat her it's no fair i saw her first how did Izumi get her? why her? gahh!! i'll go crazy. Nanoha thought to herself jealous of why her best friend got this girl.

fatexnanohafan's picture
Offline
Joined: 01/07/2012
Posts: 16

ahh thank you nanoha-sama i appreciate it :)

Nanoha-sama's picture
Offline
Joined: 05/30/2010
Posts: 357

Yeah longer Chapter as Crazyla Said, You should also try to put your text in Spoiler Try also to put Capital letters at Nouns and at every beginning of sentences. I love your story I whish you'll post the rest of it soon :)


Spoiler:

Crazyla's picture
Offline
Joined: 02/05/2012
Posts: 434

Additionally, maybe you should try making longer chapters.

fatexnanohafan's picture
Offline
Joined: 01/07/2012
Posts: 16

chapter 3-1 :)

Fate woke up the next day with a minor hangover she only remembers escaping from her girlfriend's request
"*sigh* what do i do know? i can't remember last night. Wait this isn't my room nor my house where am I-." Fate was cut off by a shifting body. It's so warm and soft . Fate thought inspecting who was beside her, she noticed the person has long brown hair, porcelain skin.
"mhh.. Good Morning Fate-chan I see your awake"
"T-t-takamchi-san I-I-I'm sorry b-but c-can you tell me what happened last night?"
Fate said nervous of what Nanoha would say
"Call me Nanoha and you don't remember the wild and pleasurable night you and I shared?" Nanoha said while smirking. From what Nanoha had just said Fate was now having wild thoughts of them doing "it"
"I-I.... W-We..... L-l-last night-."
"hahahaha Fate-chan is so shy and cute don't worry nothing happened I saw you drunk, brought you here because i had no idea where you lived" Nanoha said smiling widely
"ahh...... shoot! it's noon i gotta go bye Nanoha"
Fate then exited
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Should I go in? I mean they never notice when I'm gone
Then the door suddenly burst open revealing her step-mother Lindy Harloawn
"Fate where have you been all night? we were worried sick about you! Atleast tell us if your going to spend the night somewhere you could have been kidnapped and you have school tomorrow what on earth were you thinking?" Lindy said with both anger and annoyance obvious in her voice. Fate gulped she knew that getting her mother angry was a bad thing but getting her step-mom is worse.
"I-I was at a friends house" fate walked pass her mother hoping she would let this slip by. No one in her family actually allowed her to be out passed 9 it was because she was the youngest in their family.
"Ahhh!! Fate-chan Good Morning welcome back" Precia said sipping her cup of coffee, Fate was glad her biological mother was carefree.
"Precia! can't you see your daughter just came home at 8am in the morning smelling like alcohol
"huh?? she does? FATE!" Fate was now scared of both her mother mad at her
"Y-yes precia-kaa-san?" Fate asked
"Go up and take a shower you can't come home smelling like that you'll kill me"
"Precia!! your suppose to scold her not tell her about hygiene!!" Lindy was now pissed at both of them.Fate took this moment and ran up to her room banging the door shut.
"Chill Lindy she just had some fun and got drunk"
"and what if she was raped and got pregnant huh? she is too dense to notice a man hitting on her" at Lindy's statement Precia ran to Fate's room opening it and revealing a naked Fate.
"P-precia-kaa-san!! Lindy-kaa-san!" Fate shouted grabbing her towel and covering herself.
"i knew it! Fate had a hot body!" Alicia walked in the room staring at her sister
"O-onee-chan what are you doing here?" Fate asked. Suddenly Chrono walked in
"L-lindy-kaa-san i need you permission to-." Chrono was stunned at her hot sister's body. He was staring at Fate's body till her mother hit her.
"oww! Lindy-kaa-san what was that for?" Chrono asked rubbing his temple.
"Don't you dare fantasize about our little Fate-chan" Lindy said, both Lindy and Precia gave Chrono a deadly look before he left.
"Now Fate where were you last night? did you sleep with anyone?" Precia asked giving a deadly look
"O-okaa-san!!! i would never besides I know my priorities" Fate said with a cherry red blush on her face.
"Good I was just making sure-." Precia was cut off by the door bell ringing. Fate released a relieved sigh and continued putting her clothes on when all left to see who was at the door.
"Hello Testarossa-san and Harloawn-san is your daughter there?"
"Hello yes both of them are, may we ask who you are-." lindy was cut off by Alicia running to the door.
"Fuyumi-san why are you here?" Alicia asked sounding almost too excited
"ahh I'm here to see Fate" Izumi said smiling joyfully
"Fate? what about her? did she do anything?" Alicia asked curious why one of the trinity was looking for her younger sister.
"Well it's because she's my girlfriend now."
"GIRLFRIEND?" Precia, Lindy and Alicia said a bit surprised at what Izumi had just said.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
All three women was now sitting in the living room with an awkward silence till Precia cut it.
"So Fuyumi-san you do now that fate is only 16 and the youngest in our family correct?"
"Yes ma'am" Fuyumi said relaxed
"so why did you choose her you reputation says that you are very popular and almost everyone at you school adores you so why did you choose fate?" Precia asked with bitterness in her voice she didn't like her reputation of being a heart-breaker and a play-girl.
"You see she is a very quiet and collected person, on her first day she bumped Nanoha who is well the most popular girl in school some students would have taken that chance and asked her number or boasted about how they got to talk to one of the trinities, but Fate kept quiet, she didn't boast, she didn't care who she was or who we were she treated everyone the same." Izumi said with commitment in her voice.Lindy was satisfied with thhis answer but Precia still didn't like her,
"Okaa-san's, Onee-chan where is arf?" Fate asked going down the stairs and stopped half way when she saw her girlfriend with her family.
"I-izu-san What are you doing here?" Fate asked trying to hide a blush
"Well i came to pick you up for our date and met your parents" Izumi said with a warm sweet tone.
"Ah! ok gotta go bye" Fate said pulling Izumi out of her house.
"oh my gosh! i can't believe my sister is dating a trinity! wait no i can't believe Fate is dating at all!" Alicia said with a shocked expression on her face
"FATE! how dare she get a girlfriend! I won't have my baby girl anymore and she'll spend more time with her instead of me!" Precia complained almost crying. Lindy and Alicia could only laugh at how Precia was acting, but she was right Fate wouldn't spend much time with her family specially her mothers if she had a girlfriend and this worried Precia a whole lot, she always loved fate as her baby girl and enjoyed teasing her child because of the cute expressions she makes, now those faces are limited to when her daughter was home.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hope you like it! next chapter is when Yuuno makes his appearance! :)

fatexnanohafan's picture
Offline
Joined: 01/07/2012
Posts: 16

ahhh thank you nanoha-sama and i'll try to make the chapters longer

Crazyla's picture
Offline
Joined: 02/05/2012
Posts: 434

Oh, I liked this one. I think it flowed pretty well. There's still some minor grammar/spelling mistakes here and there but it's easy enough to ignore them.

Yuuno, huh? I wonder what he'll be like...

fatexnanohafan's picture
Offline
Joined: 01/07/2012
Posts: 16

Thank you!!.... hahaha :)i'll update maybe tomorrow or the next day

fatexnanohafan's picture
Offline
Joined: 01/07/2012
Posts: 16

ohh yea incase you wanna know their ages here:

Fate= 16
Izumi= 19
Yukino= 19 (in case you forgot she's part of the trinity)
Nanoha= 19
Alicia= 18
Chrono= 19
Hayate= 19
Signum= 19
Precia= 28
Lindy= 28
Jail= 30 (Fate's and Alicia's father i forgot to mention him on chapter 1)

Nanoha-sama's picture
Offline
Joined: 05/30/2010
Posts: 357

Bleh, I just can't wait for Fate to be with Nanoha this Izumi is a stealer of lover ! x3 *can't wait for the next*


Spoiler:

fatexnanohafan's picture
Offline
Joined: 01/07/2012
Posts: 16

Nanoha’s POV:
*sigh* we’re having a new student coming today he’s name is Yuuno.
“Takamachi-san the sensei told me to tell you that you will be handling the new guy”
“ahhh yes president”
“Good I must take my leave now”
Dammit! Why do I have to show him around I’d rather be behind the school staring at Fate all day! Hahaahha how ironic I think I love her now, I’m sure Izumi’s just playing with her just like all the girls she went out with.
“Nanoha!”
“ahh! Yukino what are you doing here?”
“w-well I need your help”
“for what?”
“You obviously like Testarossa-san so I need your help in breaking them up”
“eh? Why? A-and is it obvious that I like her?”
“Y-you s-see I like Izumi a-and I know Testarossa-san doesn’t really like her so yea.”
“I see sure I’ll help you this also benefits me so ok”
“alright! First you have to get Testarossa-san’s family so you can get their approval”
“they already do”
“wait since when ?”
“since I bumped her I sleep at her house most of the times
“ahh I see oh well anyways next you have to make her fall for you which is easy because she obviously likes you”
“she does? I mean sure” she likes me? Does that mean i have a chance to get her? To know about her? And most importantly to love her?
*ring*ring*ring*
“ahhh ok you do all those ok? Bye Nanoha
___________________________________________________________________________________
Normal POV:
“Ok class this is Yuuno Scrya Scaglietti”
“Hello I am Yuuno Scrya Scaglietti and I will be in your care please take care of me” Yuuno said bowing his head politely.
“You will be seated next to Takamachi-san over there” Their teacher said pointing to Nanoha
“Sensei! Nanoha’s daydreaming again”
“Yes yes i am aware of that *sigh* Takamachi-san you have been sighing and zoning out recently what’s wrong?”
“N-nothing I-it’s just-.” Nanoha was cut off by her classmates laughing
“She’s thinking about Testarossa-san again sensei” One of her classmates said smirking, at this Yuuno felt a bit angry.
“a-ahh! N-no I-I.... W-was-.” Nanoha couldn’t continue her sentence; she felt blood rush to her cheeks.
“Wahh! This is the first time I saw Takamachi-san flushed maybe she is in love with Testarossa-san.”
“Alright everyone that is enough” their sensei said holding in her laughter.
“Yuuno-san you may now be seated” This is my first day in school! They should be interested in me why are they talking about this testarossa-san is she that attractive that such a fine and beautiful lady such as Takamachi-san would fall for this person? I don’t get, but I will make sure that Takamachi-san is now mine. Yuuno thought to himself; staring at Nanoha with lustful eyes, he just wanted a pretty girlfriend to bring home to his mom and dad.
___________________________________________________________________________________
School was over and Nanoha rushed to her friend/crush’s room, she was joyfully frolicking to Fate’s class when she saw a familiar black haired woman, she clenched her fists and walked away. She knew Fate wasn’t hers but she wanted Fate to be, she would love her and care for her and sleep with her.....
Nanoha’s thoughts were disrupted when Yuuno appeared in front of Nanoha smirking like an idiot.
“So Takamachi-san your very beautiful” Yuuno said taking a few steps to get close to Nanoha.
“Why thank you Scaglietti-san” Nanoha said a bit angry of hime disturbing Nanoha’s train of thoughts.
“Why don’t we go out sometime, me-you-movie you know that stuff” Yuuno said pulling putting his hands on Nanoha’s waist, this made Nanoha’s left eye twitch.
“Ohh Scaglietti-san how dare you ask me out on a date, I definitely don’t want to date a ferret looking guy like you and besides I like someone else” Nanoha said firmy making sure he heard every word she said.
“Pfff is it because of that Testarossa-san? Well maybe now you won’t but I will make sure that you do fall in love with me.” Yuuno had a mischievous grin which made Nanoha shiver.
Nanoha was about to walk away from the incident when she saw Fate and Izumi behind the school talking seriously, this was the first time Izumi looked serious so she decided to listen to the conversation.
“Fate-“ Izumi started with sadness in her voice. “-it’s obvious that we don’t love each other and I am perfectly aware that you like Nanoha which is why i’m breaking up with you.” Izumi said; blankly and emotionless. Fate stared at the other girl with hurt but accepted it.
“I-is it because of Kaede-san?” Fate asked wanting to know why her girlfriend broke up with her.
“Yes I’ll be honest I only dated you to make her jealous, now that she confessed to me I want to take this chance and claim her mine, I love her Fate and I’m sorry for using you” Izumi said with a bit of bitterness in her voice. Fate smiled at what Izumi said, yes she was hurt because she has been used but she was also happy because she could help people without knowing she was helping.
“I understand you practically dragged me to be you girlfriend so I agree of our break up, but promise that you will never use someone again ok? And congrats” Fate said with a genuine smile. Izumi hugged her then left. Nanoha was left dumbstruck because one; she could finally make a move on Fate, two; she was right about Izumi using her.
“Nanoha you can come out now” Fate said as she looked towards Nanoha’s direction
“ah! Sorry fate, hehehe wait this means your single and available right?” Nanoha said, she couldn’t stop smiling to herself, Fate was now available and she can finally make Fate hers.
“haha yes that mean i am Nanoha-chan, anyways are you spending the night with me?”
Fate asked, eversince that day that they bumped each other they became close well it was because Nanoha couldn’t stay their looking at Fate and Izumi talk so she flirted with Fate almost every day, thankfully Fate was too dense to notice Nanoha flirting with her.
Fate and Nanoha was now at Fate’s house.
“Mothers I’m home with Nanoha” Fate yelled removing her shoes.
“ahh welcome home Fate and hello Nanoha”. Lindy said giving her daughter a kiss
“yes Nanoha will spend the night.”
“I see”
“Where’s Precia-kaa-san?”
“Ahh she’s in her room sulking”
“Ehh?? Why?”
“Because you have a girlfriend and you won’t be her baby girl anymore” at Lindy’s statement Nanoha giggled.
“Ohh you don’t have to worry about that we broke up” Once Fate finished her sentence Precia came immediately to the living room giving Fate a hug and kiss.
“Congratulations Fate! Yes! I have my baby girl back” Precia said fist pumping. Both Lindy and Nanoha laughed so hard that they were on the verge of tears.
”Ok that’s enough you two, Precia really you can be a child sometimes” Lindy said signalling to let go of Fate.
“Really? Fate’s single again?” Chrono asked with excitement in his voice, this made Precia and Lindy to glare at him deadly.
“Why are you so excited that you sister is single?” Lindy asked with a death glare. Chrono gulped at his mother’s glare but it was his fault, he was attracted to his little sister Fate because of her body and soft demeanour.
“Be-because oh is that the time I need to go bye Fate” Chrono said pecking Fate’s cheek, Fate blushed deeply at her brother’s action, Nanoha was giving an I’ll kill that man aura.
“CHRONO!!!” Both Precia and Lindy shouted while Chrono was running away.
Run Onii-chan you’ll die if you get back. Fate thought as she and Nanoha went to her room to sleep.

Crazyla's picture
Offline
Joined: 02/05/2012
Posts: 434

Ok, I see some issues here... you can't just skip a development like Nanoha sleeping at Fate's,or her getting the parents approval, and the two becoming closer. It's like there's a big chunk of story missing from a chapter to the other. >.<

The first part is exclusively dialogue, I think it could get better if you added a word or two about who's speaking and their behaviour, just like you did in the second scene.

For grammar, there's still some mistakes with the pronouns.

Now, all that aside... Nanofateness~♥

fatexnanohafan's picture
Offline
Joined: 01/07/2012
Posts: 16

Ok i get it! i will not skip important detail :)..........

Nanoha-sama's picture
Offline
Joined: 05/30/2010
Posts: 357

Yeah Crazyla is totally right you skipped a big part of the story, how does the two became this close ? It's a question ^^. There is some mistakes for pronouns, but your story is getting really interesting ! I whish, you'll post the next soon ^^


Spoiler:

fatexnanohafan's picture
Offline
Joined: 01/07/2012
Posts: 16

Teehee! I tried my best to write this hope you like this.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today was the school festival and everyone was excited for it but Nanoha dreaded to go to school today it was because she and Fate has to enter the bikini contest it was ok for Nanoha to be part of it but she didn’t want Fate to participate.
Ughh!! Why does Fate have to enter? I’m the hottest girl in school isn’t it enough for me to join? Why does Fate-chan have to join? Nanoha thought to herself getting ready for school.
Nanoha arrived in the classroom where she and other contestants should prepare for the contest.
Everyone was excited except for Nanoha, Fate was more of the quite preserved type.
FLASHBACK
“Fate” chrono started a bit disappointed
“may you explain to me why you are entering the bikini contest?” Chrono stated with both arms crossed below his chest, at this Hayate, Nanoha, Signum, Izumi and yukino stared at fate a bit surprised, but Alicia giggled at the corner.
“Eh? I-I-I entered?” Fate said almost shouting.
“Yes and it seems that you’re as shocked as I am so there is only 1 person capable of doing this”
They all turned their head to Alicia who smiled widely.
“Yes your correct i signed her up”
“O-onee-chan! Why? You know I don’t like exposing myself to people” Fate said panicking.
“hahah and you can’t negotiate or escape this one because once you signed up there is no backing out” Alicia proudly announced, while Nanoha was emotionless, Izumi and Yukino giggled at their friend’s reaction.
“Now now Alicia why did you do that to Fate?” Chrono asked
“Ohhh Chrono-nii-chan don’t act like you don’t like this. I saw a picture of Fate in your room it was a stolen shot neh? At Alicia’s sentence everyone was shocked that their president was fantasizing over his step-sister. Nanoha was now on the verge of killing someone, Izumi and Yukino had never seen Nanoha so angry so they took this moment to leave.
END OF FLASHBACK
Fate suddenly appeared in the room everyone was suddenly so silent when the blond appeared, there she saw Nanoha surrounded by a crowd of people asking her phone number. Fate felt uneasy being stared at by everyone, till Nanoha walked towards her holding her hand and smiling at her gently, everyone was shocked that the White Devil approached the new girl.
The competition finally started and Fate was in her robe waiting for her turn nervously, Nanoha was there outside in her pink bikini waving to the people once Nanoha went to the backstage it was Fate’s turn to go she walked out the backstage and removed her robe, everyone was practically drooling over Fate’s body she was in a black and yellow bikini. Alicia smirked proudly while Chrono was practically drooling over Fate which caused Lindy to hit him in the head, Precia was shocked and pissed How dare she show herself to this many people, what if their fantasizing over my baby what will I do? Precia thought standing up she was about to run and cover her daughter when Lindy suddenly grabbed her hand and said “Precia chill and sit down talk to her after the show” Precia only nodded and replied “Ok but please lindy control your son, if he dare touches my baby he will get a punishment ok?” Chrono was there hearing his mothers conversation, he gulped and walked away hoping not to die because of his mothers’ wrath. The show was finally over, everyone was waiting for the results, the crowd had to vote for the winner.
“Ok everybody now here are the results” the host said opening the small envelope he received.
“3rd place is Lucia Scarlet” everyone clapped.
“2nd place Nanoha Takamachi” everyone cheered, howling and clapping for the leader of the trinity. But they were all wondering why she wasn’t the winner.
“And finally 1st place goes to Fate T. Harloawn” Everyone screamed and squealed when they heard the winner. Everyone dispersed when the show was over, Lindy and Precia walked up to fate in a disappointing look.
”Fate” Precia started staring at Fate with a vicious face.
“How dare you expose yourself to all those people? What were you thinking?”
“But Alicia-nee-chan was the one who signed me up” Fate reasoned. Precia then lifted her face with a tender smile.
“I knew you would never sign up for these things. Now where is that sister of yours?” Precia asked with a creepy face. Her voice was warm and scary at the same time.

Nanoha couldn't stand it anymore the pain, the hurt, the jealousy, she couldn't anymore so she decided to tell Fate the truth whether she would accept Nanoha or not.
"Fate I need to talk to you alone" Nanoha said bowing her head.
"Hm.. ok" Fate said following Nanoha behind their school where no one would see .
them.
"Fate" Nanoha said bowing her head.
"I'm in love with you Fate and, and I can't take it anymore all those people staring at you with desire in their eyes makes me feel like shit *sob*" Nanoha was now crying. "I-I want to make you mine, to be with you forever, to love you" Nanoha waited for a reply but not one word left Fate's lips, Nanoha sighed knowing what it meant. "I-I guess that means you reject me right?" Nanoha said turning her back ready to leave when Fate grabbed her hand and pulled her to a tight hug.Nanoha was shocked at Fate's sudden movement.
"Thank God Nanoha I think I am in love with you too wait no I [i]am[i] in love with you" Fate said snuggling Fate's neck. Nanoha cried but this time it was tears of joy, she cupped Fate's cheeks and kissed her passionately, Fate kissed back. When their make out session was over they finally went to enjoy the rest of the festival together as lovers.

Crazyla's picture
Offline
Joined: 02/05/2012
Posts: 434

"Hayate, Nanoha, Signum, Izumi and yukino stared at fate a bit surprised, but Alicia giggled at the corner."

Again, when did they all become friends? And in the meanwhile Suzuka and Arisa disappered altogether...

-yay for the new couple-

fatexnanohafan's picture
Offline
Joined: 01/07/2012
Posts: 16

Nope they're not friends yet they were just there :)

Nanoha-sama's picture
Offline
Joined: 05/30/2010
Posts: 357

Ah ah, anyways I like it even more now!! What a good Fanfiction :).

I whish you'll continue to post some chapters ^^.

( It took me more time to read it as I am on my DSi browser xD )


Spoiler:

fatexnanohafan's picture
Offline
Joined: 01/07/2012
Posts: 16

Nanoha’s Pov:
Me and my Fate-chan are now dating hehehehehe but it seems that we have less time for each other now, even though we’re dating I still feel like I might lose her, I mean come on look at her she is perfect and she can be so dense sometimes for example this dude was hitting on her and she didn’t even notice. Arisa and Suzuka was even teasing her about it, Oh yea now that I think about it we all became friends since I dated Fate-chan, I got to know what her friends were like, Arisa is tomboy-ish but head over heals for Suzuka. Hayate and Alicia are dating and they are both perverts, well Izumi and Yukino also started dating so we are all paired.
“Nano-chan come on we’ll be late for the bus if you keep spacing out” my Fate-chan called me, we are having an all friend trip sponsored by me of course I was planning on only bringing Fate-chan but my mother insisted that I brought all my friends.
“Ok Fate-chan but why do we have to take a bus I have a car you know”
“Nano-chan it wastes gas and it is way! Cheaper to commute just because your rich doesn’t mean I am” Fate is such a worrywart, but it only shows she cares right? But the bus is so cramped with strangers.
“Fine fine but we’re sitting together ne?”
“Nope sorry I’m sitting with Alicia-nee-chan and Chrono-nii-chan”
“Wait! Your creep of a brother is coming? Why?”
“Yes he is, my mothers sent him to keep me safe”
“Keep you safe? More like molest you!” You see Fate’s brother chrono fantasizes over her, I put a small camera in his room to keep him away from my Fate-chan she is mine and nobody else’, back to topic I placed a camcord there and saw him masturbating while moaning Fate! Fate! Ahhhh! I cannot forgive him for that!
-----------------------------IN THE BUS-----------------------------------------------------
Normal Pov:
“Nano-chan Why are you here? Shouldn’t you be with Suzuka and the others?” Fate asked a bit worried.
“No Yuuno is there and I want to make sure my Fate-chan is safe from perverts” Nanoha said glaring at Chrono, Fate sighed and nodded.
They finally arrived at Nanoha’s Beach house, it was a beautiful 2 storied building with 12 rooms. Fate’s jaw dropped when she saw how big Nanoha’s Beach house was.
“Uhm.. Nano-chan this is a bit uhm... embarrassing me and Alicia-nee-chan and Chrono-nii-chan can just go to the motel near by” Fate said a little bit embarrassed for intruding Nanoha’s Beach house.
“Yea me and Fate can just share a motel room near by don’t worry” Chrono said smirking at Nanoha. Nanoha got pissed at what Chrono said it obviously had a double meaning.
“You... I’ll kill you first before that happens” Nanoha said giving a deadly aura, “And Fate-chan it’s really ok besides I was suppose to only invite you” Nanoha said as she whispered the last part.
“Okay Nanoha if you say so.”
“Fey-chan! Father called and was asking if you could babysit his children” Alicia said a little angry at mentioning their father.
“Oh yea we are at his town right yep tell him I will” Fate said a little bit too excited.
“Uhm.. Fate-chan I never heard or saw your Father” Nanoha said with a blush.
“AH! You see it’s because our mothers doesn’t like me talking about him since the day they got divorced.”
“I see but I really want to meet him”
“Sorry Nano-chan you can’t”
“Why Fate-chan?”
“You just can’t ok?”
“......” Nanoha just turned back and walked up to the house she felt like a hundred knives had just stabbed her straight to her heart. Why why won’t Fate-chan let me meet her father? Doesn’t she trust me?” Nanoha though as she plunged to the bed.
*knock*knock*knock*
“Sup beautiful” Yuuno said walking in Nanoha’s room locking the door behind him.
“Yuuno why are you even here?”
“ohohoho have you forgotten our parents are very close so I can follow you wherever I want”
“Damn you and your family and what are you doing in my room?”
“Isn’t it obvious that Fate doesn’t love you? She loves someone else”
“Th-that’s not true she loves me and I love her”
“Really? Then why won’t she let you meet her father?”
“I-I *sob* d-don’t know”
“Hmm.. *grin* I’ll let your imagination stay like that” Yuuno said and left Nanoha crying.

Hearts Cross's picture
Offline
Joined: 11/11/2011
Posts: 456

You've done a well job, as always. I've been reading this story, and it just keeps me glued to it.

Lawlz. Crazyla's been pointing out the mistakes so no need to tell you. Thank you for making this fanfiction ongoing. :D

fatexnanohafan's picture
Offline
Joined: 01/07/2012
Posts: 16

thanks....:) sorry it took long to update i was busy with judo training hahahha now that our competition is over i can update more.

Nanoha-sama's picture
Offline
Joined: 05/30/2010
Posts: 357

Awesome! I want to know more!! Continue to write, please! I beg you, I want to know the rest!


Spoiler: