Fate was about to leave from school when her older sister stopped her.
“FATE!” Alicia called out trying to catch up to her little sister
“Onee-chan what is it?”
“Today is your first day at my school correct? So I need to be with you all the time, at least only for today”
“Onee-chan don’t worry I can take care of myself, I don’t want to bother you after all” Fate said with determination. Ever since her mother Precia married to her long time girlfriend Lindy Harloawn, fate was forced to withdraw from her previous school and go to her Onee-chan and Onii-chan’s school.
“Fate, you are my sister and it will never bother me to spend some time with you, I am older that you by a year, therefore if something happens to you on the first day of school our mothers will kill me.”
“ fine, let’s get going Onii-chan told me to be early so that I can get a full tour”
When fate arrived to her now new school she was amazed by how big it was. There were several students walking, riding bikes, and were riding cars. Probably rich students study here. Thought fate, she was thinking about her classes before her sister tugged her shirt.
“Fate~ come on we’ll be late”
When fate was finally inside the building Alicia’s friends and girlfriend came up to her.
“Alicia! Good morning” they all said in unison
“ahh! Hayate, suzuka, Arisa, good morning”
“ It’s a shock to see you here in school so early, you’re always late, so tell us why are you here early in the morning?”
Hayate asked grinning, while the others just laughed at her. They were right Alicia was never the one to wake up early.
“Mou Hayate-chan that’s mean be thankful you’re my girlfriend I would have hit you just now.” Alicia said almost forgetting her sister beside her.
“why thank you Alicia, I love you” Hayate said.
“AHH! That’s right i almost forgot this is my sister fate.”
“G-good M-morning” fate said while trying to hide a blush.
“kyaa~ how cute Alicia-chan where were you hiding your sister all these tome?” Suzuka asked while holding Arisa’s hand.
“uhmm... you see fate was studying abroad and just came back here recently. You know since our mothers got married they won’t let fate go back to the states with our dad”
The only reaction Alicia got were ohh’s and ahh’s then fate suddenly remembered she had to go to her brother chrono.
“uhh uhhmm.... onee-chan onii-chan said I needed to see him now” and with that they left and went straight to the student council room.
“Onii-cha I’m here” fate said as she sat on one of the couches while Alicia went to class.
“ahh fate this is you instructor Mrs. Carim Gracia”
“Hello I am Fate T. Harloawn it’s a pleasure to meet you” fate said politely while bowing.
Fate was now in front of the class introducing herself.
“M-my.... name is F-fate T. H-harloawn i A-am 16 years old.” Fate said with a blush on her face.
“kyaa!! She’s so cute....” her classmates said while smiling joyfully.
Eventually lunch cam and she wanted to go to the rooftop to be alone.
“Fate-chan!!! Let’s get lunch..” her older sister with her friends and girlfriend shouted calling her attention. All fate could do was sigh and go. She only wanted to be alone but no her sister, brother and even her mothers refrained her from being alone maybe because she was the youngest in the family.
While they were walking to the cafeteria fate was in her lala-land and did not notice she was about to hit someone, then she found herself on the floor above a girl named Nanoha Takamachi.
She then got up and apologized with a crimson red blush on her face
“i’m s-s-s-sorry” she stuttered out helping the girl get back up
Nanoha only smiled amused by the girl in front of her and said
“I’m fine don’t worry I’m ok” and with that she left with two other girls walking with her. Fate then noticed how people were starting to stare at her; whispering and gossiping about her.
“Fate! Are you alright? I can’t believe you talked to Takamachi-san” her sister Alicia asked
“y-yes i’m fine Onee-chan and why wouldn’t you believe i talked to Takamachi-san? Who is she anyways?” fate while tilting her head
“What? Takamachi-san is the leader if the trinity”
“the what?” fate asked more confued
“the trinity composes of 3 girls: Kaede, Yukino from class 3-b;Fuyumi, Izumi from the same class and the last is Takamachi, Nanoha from class 3-a. They are the most beautiful, smartest and richest in the school. They usually ignore everyone but themselves but you managed to talk to her and make her smile at you” Alicia said grinning like an idiot.
The whole day ended and fate just kept on thinking about nanoha and her smile.
Mh, you could probably use a good beta reader, and I guess you were looking for a different word here: "Alicia-chan where were you hiding your sister all these tome?”"
Tome=book, doesn't make much sense.
Also, I suggest to work on formatting, adding scene breaks and the like.
Last thing, when Fate bumps into Nanoha, even if she doesn't know her you give us her name straight away. I don't know how to explain it, but it's strange. I'd hold back using her name until Alicia tells it to Fate.
I hope you'll find this useful.
Ah, don't worry, practice makes perfect.
Pointing out things that might need to be fixed is my way to help you along getting better faster. ;)
Two things to keep an eye on:
-Capitals, as more often than not you write fate instead of Fate.
-Your and you're. Many authors write one instead of the other since they're pronounced the same, but the meaning is very different, so be careful.
Now, in the first part of the chapter, I see you've broken and separated the different scenes, but doing so many times in so little times gives a... chopped up, fragmented feeling.
Also there are just dialogues there. Maybe you could try to incorporated some narration and/or description. It doesn't have to be much, just something to help it all flow more smoothly, and maybe transform many little scenes into a bigger one like in the "behind the gym" part.
Eh, I try. I know it's hard to write, especially your first fanfic, and even communities that should help writers (like fanfiction.net) really don't offer much as reviewers, with few exceptions, either flame or demand updates.
But as you'll continue to write you'll become better. (I'm repetitive, aren't I?)
P.S. - you'll notice I haven't said anything about the plot and I focused on the technical aspect, it's partly because the story just started and partly because there's no plot holes (yet? =P).
However, one thing worth noticing is that you already have two OCs, which are some of the hardest things to write well. That is a brave choice for any author, especially a first timer.
Oh my my, Nyahaha. I want more of this story, it's just exellent seeing a jealous Nanoha. Nyahaha. It's pretty nice. Keep writting ! :)
Yeah longer Chapter as Crazyla Said, You should also try to put your text in Spoiler Try also to put Capital letters at Nouns and at every beginning of sentences. I love your story I whish you'll post the rest of it soon :)
Additionally, maybe you should try making longer chapters.
Oh, I liked this one. I think it flowed pretty well. There's still some minor grammar/spelling mistakes here and there but it's easy enough to ignore them.
Yuuno, huh? I wonder what he'll be like...
Bleh, I just can't wait for Fate to be with Nanoha this Izumi is a stealer of lover ! x3 *can't wait for the next*
Ok, I see some issues here... you can't just skip a development like Nanoha sleeping at Fate's,or her getting the parents approval, and the two becoming closer. It's like there's a big chunk of story missing from a chapter to the other. >.<
The first part is exclusively dialogue, I think it could get better if you added a word or two about who's speaking and their behaviour, just like you did in the second scene.
For grammar, there's still some mistakes with the pronouns.
Now, all that aside... Nanofateness~♥
Yeah Crazyla is totally right you skipped a big part of the story, how does the two became this close ? It's a question ^^. There is some mistakes for pronouns, but your story is getting really interesting ! I whish, you'll post the next soon ^^
"Hayate, Nanoha, Signum, Izumi and yukino stared at fate a bit surprised, but Alicia giggled at the corner."
Again, when did they all become friends? And in the meanwhile Suzuka and Arisa disappered altogether...
-yay for the new couple-
Ah ah, anyways I like it even more now!! What a good Fanfiction :).
I whish you'll continue to post some chapters ^^.
( It took me more time to read it as I am on my DSi browser xD )
You've done a well job, as always. I've been reading this story, and it just keeps me glued to it.
Lawlz. Crazyla's been pointing out the mistakes so no need to tell you. Thank you for making this fanfiction ongoing. :D
Awesome! I want to know more!! Continue to write, please! I beg you, I want to know the rest!