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Original Fanfic.rated T,feedbacks please!

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Kolby Jerred's picture
Joined: 12/17/2012
Posts: 14

A story that took place after would be nice if i can think up of the title for this.

Chapter 1

A prosperous city, filled with Androids to help with the daily lives of the citizens. Everybody had come to rely on them. The peaceful days continue, with festivals and events that occasionally mark the dates on the calendar.

Individual cities are each powered by a small drop of pure concentrated energy, with the power to both destroy and run an entire city, and replenish the vast amounts of energy consumed by both humans and Android.

One day, that energy the citizens subconsciously over relied upon was taken. It was a simple task; all that was needed to do was to go to the main control engine room, filled with complacent guards, and slowly lift away the shell that contains the energy. It did not even take minutes for the city to collapse and crush its inhabitants.

So how did the thief escape? The answer was simple; if you had the energy to power an entire city, it was a small feat to stop time or teleport to a completely different location. It was the perfect crime.

Just like that, numerous cities had fallen. Some of the inhabitants living in the cities were smart enough to stop relying on such unstable technology, and thus turned rogue. Some harboured a deep resentment of the mysterious thieves; some were cowards and others were just seeking adventure. Most did not last long, as the minority of mankind once again had to face the sole reason why they had to live in barrier-protected cities.

Down underground, a deep black mixture of hatred that took the shapes of genetically modified soldiers was breeding like a virus, unbeknownst to the ones living on land. They did not know that these soldiers were the very ‘thieves’ that made the cities fall into ruins.

Each and every single one of them wore a black robe that was impervious to almost any damage and oxygen masks that had different unique markings for different soldiers, but the one that lead the pack was different. You could spot him immediately,and if you ever did, the only options would be fight or flight.

Streamlined and tall, he wore a black and red robe and a completely different mask. From far, it would seem as if you had truly met the devil himself, with the glinting red eyes and completely jet black oxygen mask, but when near, there was always the same word his frightened enemies would always shout before they died,


Sprays of blood rained across the battlefield. The soldiers silently and efficiently drew their katanas and sliced every enemy in sight. The ranks of the opposing were steadily depleting, and before long, the troops were completely demoralized.

The remaining soldiers dropped their weapons and ran. Most did not make it, for the soldiers caught at least three soldiers before ending their lives.
The leader of the pack of hunting soldiers normally stood at a far distance and gazed at the battlefield. When he gestured to the hunting dogs, they immediately turned their backs on the battle and marched back towards their leader.

As sudden as they came, they’d disappeared. There was no news of the black soldiers. Some say that they were preparing for a total invasion of that dimension; others say that a hero rose up and defeated the leader of the pack and the rest of the soldiers. As for the truth, no one knows…

The green eyed with dusty blond hair librarian shelved the bit of information into the solved section. “Well, no use thinking about a missing and presumably dead antagonist.”

At that moment, Nanoha came into the room saying, ‘Yuuno, as much as Fate-chan doesn’t want you to come, you’re invited to an impromptu get together party.”
“…you didn’t have to say the first part.” Yuuno sighed.

A man stumbled along the dark, damp corridor, breathing heavily. He was bleeding, injured and dragging his feet.

“Must…get…to…” He trailed off weakly. Step by step he walked, dragging his half unresponsive body. He reached a seemingly normal building and slid a card into the security lock. He forced his whole weight onto the door, and fell down when the door opened.

He did not have the remaining energy to get up, so he used the last reserves of his strength, huffing and puffing; maintaining a steady rhythm and hanging onto his dimming consciousness.

He crawled to the deepest part of the room, where there was an overwhelming amount of computers and other medical equipment. In the middle of the room stood a humongous cracked container.

“..No…” He rasped out. His consciousness was fading quickly, and he was desperately trying to keep his eyes open.

“Calm down, Mr. Agent. I was the one that released him. I was under the direct orders of the TSAB, and currently he’s not making a mess, is he? Good work. Rest in peace, Mr. Agent.”

A girl with an Osakan accent spoke out. The agent looked up to see a girl cloaked in black, wearing a plague doctor’s mask. Next to her was a black devil staring at him with cold, red glinting eyes.

“Nanoha, what is that ferret-changeling doing here?!” Fate exclaimed pointing at Yuuno.

“Calm down, calm down, we’re having a get together party, right? And Yuuno was one of our comrades since young and even now.” Nanoha reasoned with her annoyed wife.

“But…but…” Fate kept quiet, starting to chant a steady stream of curses onto a certain ferret.

“How are you feeling?” The girl asked.

“……Condition is normal.” The black devil replied.

They were walking in a crowd, which would normally draw attention to them, had they not cast on an ‘invisible’ spell that hid their presence.

“So how am I supposed to address you? Mr. Devil? Monster? Silent and shy guy?” She light heartedly asked.

“….Whatever you please.” The black devil replied once more, obviously unfazed by the girl.

“Well, you can call me Doctor. As for you, I think that the name Commander will fit you, how about that?”

The Commander did not respond but gave her a small nod.

“….and so, my job is to find the leader of the hunting pack in my infinite library, but so far no leads have popped up.” Yuuno said to Hayate.

“Why would they want to find him?” Hayate rested her chin on her hand, cocking her burnt sienna filled head.

“Because he’s considered the most dangerous and ruthless killer in that dimension. I’m not sure whether TSAB wants to take care such a dangerous criminal. He was so strong that all the S class mages sent after him were sliced to bits.”

“I might want to see him taking down Nanoha-chan and Fate-chan.” Hayate smirked.

“I might want to bet on the Nanofate side. But this is where the problem starts. He’s categorized as unknown class.” Yuuno continued.

“But there’s no such class—“ Hayate interjected.

“You understand what I mean don’t you? He just might be the strongest killing machine in this dimension, too.”

Hayate looked to the side to see Nanoha and Fate talking and smiling from ear to ear.

“….They might die if they were sent out. If only Rein Eins was here…” Hayate mumbled.

Yuuno kept silent for once.

Crazyla's picture
Joined: 02/05/2012
Posts: 434

One thing- separate paragraphs. I'm not alone when I say that I refuse to read walls of texts.

Kolby Jerred's picture
Joined: 12/17/2012
Posts: 14

Thanks crazyla,will keep that in mind.I kinda know how it feels when there's a pile of words on front of you.

Crazyla's picture
Joined: 02/05/2012
Posts: 434

Thank you very much for doing that. ^^

mark the date of on the calendar.

The city... that sentence is a bit jumbled, imao.

Some harbored a deep revenge loathing/hatred/resentment...

and others just wanting wanted to seek an adventure.

etc... Maybe you should get a beta, or re-read the whole thing and fix it.

There's also a lot of switching from present tense to past tense.
And I'd suggest to add some scene breaks signs too.

As for the story itself, the plot, not much to say for now, I can see you're setting the stage for an action story. Not sure why Fate hates Yuuno, her being so blatant about it seems weird too, I hope you'll explain that later in the story.

Kolby Jerred's picture
Joined: 12/17/2012
Posts: 14

Thanks, its the first time that I'm writing a fanfic, so, I hope you can kind of guide me along the way too.

Kolby Jerred's picture
Joined: 12/17/2012
Posts: 14

Here's a new chapter, updates may be a bit slow, as I'm pretty busy nowadays.

Chapter 2

The Commander and Doctor took refuge at a dilapidated building. Windows were caked in grime and dust, while the ceilings looked as if they would fall apart at any moment. It seemed as though the place had been abandoned a long time ago.

"What're your intentions?" Commander asked. The Doctor did not mind the fact that he was not much of a talker, and he was not really horrible company to be with. In fact, whenever there was a need to, he would question and ask whatever was on his mind. She would just patiently supply him with whatever information he missed during his sleep.

"Well, I really was under the direct orders of TSAB, and was supposed to hand you over to them, but I'm suspicious on what they are planning to do with you. It has been a few centuries after your awakening, and it doesn't make sense to wake you up during a period of peace." Doctor rested her hand on her chin.

"...Then I must return back to my creator." Commander spoke with absolute conviction.

"Are you insane? Why must you return back to Erimoor, the city you visited a few centuries ago? I'm pretty sure your creator is already dead!" Doctor exclaimed.

"...Even so, I must return to complete the original mission that I was tasked with."


"Nanoha...." Fate muttered silently behind the pillar.

"Woah?! Fate-chan, you really surprised me there!" Nanoha exclaimed as she jumped around in shock. "What's wrong?"
"Can you say sorry to Yuuno for me? When we had that get together party, I was unbelievably stressed, and angry...." Fate looked at the floor, fidgeting restlessly in remorse.

"(....)So you took it out on poor Yuuno, huh?" Nanoha sighed. "What made you so stressed?"

"...It's confidential. I can't talk much about it, but all I can say is that something bad is about to happen." Fate said ominously.

Nanoha took a step forward and embraced Fate.

"N-Nanoha?" Fate blushed, looking stunned.

"It's okay, nothing bad will happen. It's only been 5 months after the JS incident, right? I'm pretty sure nothing bad will happen to us. Not even God can strike us down when we're together, so don't worry too much about it." Nanoha gently reassured.

"...nn." Fate nodded.

"...I do not have a weapon." Commander voices as they strolled through a city street. A large number of people lay on the floor writhing in agony. Corpses were littered everywhere, and the remaining inhabitants eyed the duo as if they were prey.

"I know that. The katana you used is under TSAB's control, so you'll have to make do with another one, is that alright with you?" The Doctor asked, turning her head to meet his eyes.

"It would not feel the same, but as long as the durability and sharpness is there, I am fine with it." Commander flexed his hand, as if he was holding a weapon.

"Great, we're going to a blacksmith to forge a katana for you. It might not be as good as yours, but I'm pretty sure my friend can help you." They stopped walking, and they found themselves face-to-face with an enormous furnace that was powered by a chained dragon. The dragon's eyes were glazed, and his scales were shedding at an incredible rate.

"Oh, there you are!" A man with a large belly and face filled with beard waved at them heartily.

"Go and tell him what do you want for your weapon. He is the best blacksmith I know." Doctor gestured to him.


"The katana is done! I must say, this is one of the best weapons I have ever made!" The blacksmith gave a hearty laugh.

"....Let me test it." The commander unsheathed it, proceeding to slice the chained dragon into half. The dragon had no time to react, and vaporized as soon as the weapon came into contact with his scales.

Doctor and the blacksmith stood rooted to the ground, their faces showing a mix of stun and shock.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" The blacksmith cried.

Doctor grabbed his hand and ran.

"What were you trying to do?" Doctor questioned him.

"..Giving it a test." Commander nonchalantly replied.

"..." 'looks like it's not going to be a simple mission, after all.' The doctor thought, shaking her head.

Kolby Jerred's picture
Joined: 12/17/2012
Posts: 14

Chapter 3

The presence of death is a distinct one. Even if you do not feel it, your instincts will stealthily warn you to be on your guard. That is what Fate Testarossa Harloawn is currently facing. Beads of perspiration rolled down her forehead, and her hands felt clammy.

As she walked to the deepest part of the room, the pressure became stronger. She instinctively knew that this mission was slightly different than the ones that were normally given.

What she saw in the room was a surreal scene. The place was strewn with computers, medical equipment and research files. What drew Fate's attention most was a huge container that was brutally crushed.

Shards of glass were on the floor, and there was a strange turquoise-coloured liquid that seemed to be in the container.

A TSAB agent was in the middle of this chaotic mess. Fate deduced from the blood tracks that the agent probably used the last remains of his strength to check on the condition of the container.

But what was inside the container that was more important than his very own life? Fate Testarossa thought. What man would throw away his life to secure a seemingly harmless container?

----No. What was INSIDE the container that made him throw away his life? She was baffled. She picked up samples that would be important in this seemingly unusual case.

She browsed through a shelf of files that were in a corner. Most were blank pieces of paper, which made Fate even more confused.

Her skin pricked. She was perspiring even more now, and her breath was becoming more ragged as the seconds passed. Her line of sight gradually narrows, and Fate knew that a normal mission would not make her experience tunnel vision. An overpowering pressure was behind her, and she instantly froze up.

She grasped on to Bardiche, her most trusted partner in times like this, and silently muttered, " Set up," and pointed her sword to the direction of the overpowering pressure.

She expected someone or something to be there, however, there was not a single soul. The pressure disappeared as soon as it came.

Was it my imagination..? Fate Testarossa thought.


- Two days ago-

"Nanoha, the TSAB just sent out a dispatch order to me. I won't be back for a week, so when you go back, tell Vivio that for me, could you?" Fate bitterly smiled while saying this.

"Vivio is going to be so angry at you for missing her birthday party tonight. She was so looking forward to it." Nanoha replied.

"I know, but this time it seems that TSAB ordered all the elite enforcers in each of the department to be dispatched. It seems that things are getting serious this time round." Fate sighed.

Nanoha pouted and replied "You're always so serious whenever work is involved. I'm confident that this is TSAB being paranoid and overreacting to cases like this."

"I can't help it for this time round, sorry, Nanoha....Could you forgive me?" Fate gave the puppy-eyes look.

Whatever anger Nanoha had instantly dissolved when her wife gave her that puppy-eye look.

"....Ughhhhhh." Nanoha groaned.

"N-Nanoha? What's wrong?" Fate asked, genuinely worried.

"Why are you always so cute when you give me that look?!" Nanoha exclaimed and gave her wife a light kiss.

"Come back safe and sound, Fate-chan. That's the only condition me and Vivio always have," Nanoha said, "or else I will Starlight Break you."

"....wouldn't that make my condition worse then..?" Fate silently thought.

Kolby Jerred's picture
Joined: 12/17/2012
Posts: 14

Chapter 4

"Commander, where did you go? I thought I was going to lose you there and then!" Doctor exclaimed.

"..Hey, I was supposed to be escorted to TSAB isn't it?" Commander cut short on what she was planning to say next.

Doctor stiffened up, maintaining silent.

"Where are you trying to take me? Are you really from--"

"I am! My memories and experience are real!" Doctor raised her voice, and sounded nervous.

".....very well." Commander gave a long pause, but finally gave in. The problem now would be, why did a TSAB agent investigate that area. A cover up? Internal conspiracy?

He decided to stop thinking about this affair for now. What matters now is his return to the creator. And to complete the mission that he was originally given. And it would appear that Doctor seems to be randomly travelling around, he could not afford to waste anymore time.

"Wait! Where are you going?!" Doctor had to run to keep up with his current pace.

"To the dimension with cities that are powered by energy." Commander calmly replied, however, there was a slight quiver in his voice.

"Fine, fine. I give up, to get there, you need to go Mid-Childa, where the TSAB's main headquarters is there. And if what you said was true, we will have to disguise ourselves to get there." Doctor muttered in annoyance.

The headquarters of TSAB was unnaturally busy today. Many agents could be seen scurrying all around the place, and Commander Hayate was sure that her day is certainly going to get busier.

And it was certainly true,judging from the pile of papers that continue to flood out of her office door when she got there.

"What is up with this amount of work that I have to do?!" Hayate exclaimed.

"This is your new job for now, Hayate-chan." A man wearing a white suit, with green, long hair said. This was Verossa Acous, Carim's half brother.

"....This is a joke, right?" Hayate groaned, after taking a long look at the paper.

"No. It isn't." Verossa's tone suddenly turned serious.

"Gather the members of Riot Force 6. And I want you to help me request on recruiting new members from Carim." Hayate said.

Verossa nodded, and briskly walked away.

"This mission is not going to end well." Hayate frowned.

Kolby Jerred's picture
Joined: 12/17/2012
Posts: 14

Chapter 5

Commander and Doctor considered on ways to get in without removing their masks. This, of course, proved impossible as the masks itself attracted much attention. However, they did not want to remove it for personal reasons as well.

Commander could not fathom why Doctor did not want to remove her mask, however, he did not ask. Both of them had secrets that they did not want to tell. And in this relationship, they are nothing but fellow accomplices at best. Each could just stab the other in the back, and that proved the end of their relationship. It was as simple as that.

But they had no choice. If they were to cast a spell, the sensors would detect it. This was one of Mid-Childa's secret on their continued years of prosperity.

"It would be good if there was a backdoor route...." Doctor mumbled.

"Why don't you go in by yourself and take off the mask? You can then smuggle me in." Commander replied.

"...Now you're a package waiting to be shipped? No, it's not that simple. They have rules on shipping cargo too." Doctor jokingly teased.

"Are there any other ways besides checking in with Mid-Childa?" Commander asked.

"Not possible. When Mid-Childa became a very prosperous city, they bought all the rights to handle trading, defense and others. Mid-Childa is one big base for everything related to business. It's a huge powerhouse." Doctor explained.

Commander sighed, and then took out something from his cuff. It was a metallic shard, polished and you could see it gleaming and reflecting light into different colors.

"This is...?" The Doctor asked.

"Our 'backdoor' to Mid-Childa." Without explaining, he threw the shard, and took out a pistol, and shot it in mid-air. There was a resounding ring when it was shot to pieces.

"Ow..." Doctor rubbed her ear.

"Let's go." Commander leapt on to the building.

"What was that?" Doctor asked in annoyance.

"Distraction. The shard is used to jam everything within 100 Kilometers radius." Commander replied.

"100?! But it's such a small shard..." Doctor exclaimed.

"My creator was the one that developed it. I only have 4 more, so do not let me waste anymore."

"I thought the TSAB confiscated everything from you?" Doctor commented.

Commander suddenly came to a halt. This in turn made Doctor almost trip as the speed that they were going was not even considered safe to stop.

"Seriously, stop that habit of halting-" Before Doctor could even complete her sentence, Commander grabbed Doctor's shirt.

"Wha--" Doctor sputtered out.

"I have dodged the question long enough. Who are you?" Commander asked, in a menacing voice.

"It's been a quite a while since we gathered back into Riot Force 6(temporary), and I'm glad to see all of you once more, gathered like this," Hayate said, in front of a huge line of soldiers. "And this time, there will be more comrades joining us. Normally, I would like to give you all a welcoming party, but this is not the time to do so. All of us are here for just one reason; that is, to capture the terrorist that took many lives a century ago. It may sound as if it is a joke, however, history proves otherwise."

"Start preparing now, and take care not to get killed. That's all." Hayate ended her speech, and heaved a sigh of relief.

"Sigh after we complete this mission, Hayate." A soft voice suddenly spoke up.

"Fate-chan, as much as I'm happy that you're in my section, in this mission, I'm terrified that you would get hurt." Hayate smiled bitterly.

"Don't worry, I'm going to finish this mission quickly, or else a certain white devil will have to take action against us two." Fate joked.

"Somehow, I find that ten times more frightening than this mission..." Hayate grimaced.

Kolby Jerred's picture
Joined: 12/17/2012
Posts: 14

Chapter 6

Doctor and Commander stared at each other, each of them not willing to break their gaze.

"You know, the effect's of the shard will stop soon..." Doctor began.

However, Commander continued grabbing on to Doctor, and maintained a steady gaze on her. A long silence ensues.

"...I'm really from the TSAB..." Doctor mumbled out.

Commander drew out his katana and held it to her neck.

"What are you-?!" Doctor exclaimed out.

"I'm going to give you 5 seconds. Explain who you really are or I will separate your body from your head." Commander threatened.

"....I don't know." Doctor admitted.

"What?" Commander questioned.

"Truth is, there are some blanks in my memories. The TSAB said that I suffered from amnesia. I will tell you who I am, so put your weapon down, alright?" Commander could not tell what her current emotions were, but there was no quiver in her voice. After a moment's silence, he sheathe the katana back into scabbard.

"I always had this dream when I was young. It showed a person with a jet black coat, and an oxygen mask. Not the best dream to have when you're sleeping, but this man was always there in my dreams. He would either be commanding a hundred soldiers or going into the battlefield alone. This dream continued to haunt me even after I became a TSAB agent. From the Infinite Library, I found out this commander truly existed."

"Why would you even dream about me?" Commander growled.

"I don't know. But I'm really a TSAB agent, and I don't mean any harm." Doctor pleaded.

"Never mind about that for now. What about your original mission? Why are you stalling?" Commander continued.

"I told you, I don't trust-" Doctor said.

"Then where are you planning to take me too if I did not want to go back to my creator?!" Commander said.

"...You're really dense, aren't you!" Doctor suddenly burst out.

This made Commander surprised. He did not expect Doctor to shout in such a manner. Doctor was fidgety, and did not maintain eye contact with him. She then took out her mask.

Long,silky hair tied into a neat ponytail. Her face was small and angular, her eyes were radiant and sky blue color.

"It's normal for a person to protect her loved one!" Doctor exclaimed.



"" Commander repeated the words that Doctor just spurt out. It was a ridiculous word. He had never heard it from anybody before. He did not know how it felt like, this so called 'love' that Doctor was feeling.


An alert sounded all over the TSAB's headquarters. Immediately, Hayate ran to Shari, and asked "What's happening?"

"All of our equipment are jammed! We can't get anything through!" Shari said, exasperated.

"Can you find who is the culprit using magic?" Hayate said.

"That's the thing, we can't trace anything! It's as if we're finding an invisible enemy! Wait, Hayate! Where are you going?" Shari shouted, as Hayate suddenly dashed out of the control room.

"I'm going to find the culprit manually! Get the permission to use the Asura now!"
Hayate said.

"....." Shari stared at Hayate blankly.

"Shari? What's wrong?" Hayate asked, puzzled.

"The ship was dismantled, remember? And besides, the culprit is in Mid-Childa...." Shari slowly said. A silence enveloped the two.

"I'm sorry. I forgot." Hayate said matter-of-factly.

"....." Shari kept silent.

"Fine. then ask the attack team to assemble. We're going to catch the culprit alive!" Hayate huffed.

"" Commander repeated once more.

Doctor looked unbelievably embarrassed, not daring to look at Commander.

"....Why me?" Commander softly asked.

Doctor blushed, and gripped her shirt.

"You have never seen my face. I have never met you-"

"I have!" Doctor firmly answered.

This took the Commander by surprise. He has obviously never met this person before, yet she insists that they have. It was strange. Abnormal, different than what he had expected.

"....So you know everything there is about me?" Commander asked.

"........" She kept silent, but nodded faintly.

The tension was now replaced with an awkward silence, both of them did not dare to say anything. The silence broke when an alarm sounded.

"Oh, crap. I forgot that we were supposed to smuggle ourselves in." Doctor said.

"If you run away now, they will still forgive you. I will take the full blame." Commander said.

Doctor stared at Commander for a short period of time, and started to giggle. Commander looked at Doctor, and tilted his head. They did not have time to enjoy this mood for long, as they were soon surrounded by a huge group of officers.

"Oh god. Is that....?" A large cloud of murmurs enveloped their ears. Some of the officers were already retreating, step by step,demoralized and frightened out of their wits.

"Don't be alarmed! We knew this mission would be risky the time we took it." Suddenly, a confident voice resounded.

A figure emerged from the large numbers of officers.

When Hayate was about to speak, that was when Commander made his move. He snapped open his front buttons of his coat, and slashed one of his hands with a small dagger.

"Dark Impulse." He mumbled out, and from his hands shot out a demonic claw.

The claw was black as night, and it had several irregular markings that pulsed with a red glow. Its vicious attack reached Hayate, mowing her down, and she crashed onto the ground with an immense explosion.

Nobody moved, nobody dared to. Commander dashed down and grabbed Hayate by the neck.

"Let us pass, and you shall have your leader alive." Commander yelled.

"You thought we came without preparations?" Hayate taunted.

A flash of lightning bombarded the area. Bright, sudden, and loud, the lightning bolt crackled and charred whatever comes in its way. Commander took the attack without flinching. However, Hayate was unprotected.

A scream resounded across the whole battlefield.

JustMadman's picture
Joined: 08/09/2011
Posts: 96

Mmm... imao, I think you use 'said' a lot... Too often. >.> Personally I think you might want to be a bit more descriptive, makes it easier for me people to imagine the scene, it'd be less boring more interesting too. And your chapters are a little too short, but that isn't really a problem.

Kolby Jerred's picture
Joined: 12/17/2012
Posts: 14

Forgive me for my horrible English. But most of the time I would use dialogues to get the story across, if you ever have a suggestion on improving, that would be great. Because, personally, it's hard for me to get what I think and what I write across...

JustMadman's picture
Joined: 08/09/2011
Posts: 96

Umm... My Engrish isnt exactly good either. ^^; For me, I imagine what's going on in my head and try to describe as much as I can. What they're doing, how they look, their expressions, etc.. Your fic, to me, sounds as if everyone is just talking; very monotonic.
Sorry if I wasn't much help! My Engrish ish horrigible. OTL

Kolby Jerred's picture
Joined: 12/17/2012
Posts: 14

Time for me to read a dictionary.OTL ASDFGHJKL

Kolby Jerred's picture
Joined: 12/17/2012
Posts: 14

Chapter 7
Darkness. It was all around Commander. Cut off from the world, he could only hear the sound of water that dripped one drop at a time, steadily, and slowly. He had no idea how long the time had passed. He felt the cold of the steel chains wrapped on his cuff, and he could feel magic constantly pulsing in it.

"...not only do they want me to go insane by the dripping of water, they also want me to submit to their control,huh?" Commander bitterly thought.


"After so long, he has not shown signs of breaking. The amount of magic power in the room has reached its limit!" Shari was exasperated.

"....Let me go in and talk to him." Fate stood up, and walked out of the room.

"I bet she was influenced by Nanoha, after living with her for so long..." Shari sighed, and bitterly smiled.

A period of time had passed, and mysteriously enough, he was about to fall asleep. Even he laughed at his own carelessness, to be so carefree right smack in the middle of the organisation that wanted him to be put down. He heard a silent whirring sound, and pricked his ears, thinking that he might not have imagined it. He heard the continuous rhythm of someone walking.
Suddenly, what replaced the darkness was a blinding white light. The light was so intense and sudden that he had to squint his eyes, even though he had the mask on.

There, in front of him, stood a lady with long, lustrous and golden hair. She had the most piercing red eyes that Commander had ever saw.

She walked up to him, calm and collected, and even with a small smile. This made Commander tense up, as he was suspicious and wary of her.

"How is she?" Commander casually asked, or at least, he tried to. He could never relax when he is so near to danger.

"Don't worry about her. She's currently receiving one of the best medical care. She is one of us, after all. And we have to take care of her." Fate replied back, smiling.

"Good, then." Commander heaved a sigh of relief, and was truly glad that she was fine.

"Right," Fate started. "Is it okay to ask a few questions?"

Commander chuckled, and nodded his head.
"How was it? Even though I heard everything between you and that criminal, I don't think I can trust him..." Shari asked, sipping a cup of tea.

"Hmm...he's a good person, I guess?" Fate said, while turning her head to the side.

"...huh?!" Shari was silent for a while, then exclaimed in shock.

"Erm, how do I say this..." Fate fidget around, twirling her fingers together. "I don't seem to think that he is a bad person? I can't see his facial features, and his body language because he was chained up...and he doesn't seem to be worried about that, anyways. His tone had a very comfortable and casual feel to it when we went to slightly happier topics..."

".....Fate-san, that's actually the first time you actually trusted someone you barely met so much, and he's the highest class criminal at that." Shari replied, flabbergasted.

It is true that he is very similar to me in many areas, Fate thought at that time.


"Can you tell me a bit about your life? And it would be nice if I could address you by your real name." Fate asked, in a very gentle tone.

"Hang on, before I answer any of your questions. The young lady that was holding that book and a golden cross staff...." Commander interjected, however, it was not of a sharp and threatening tone, or rather, it was mixed with curiosity and worry.

Fate sighed, and gave a wry smile. How can a criminal be so casual in asking random questions? If this was a normal interrogation, the criminal would clamp his mouth shut, and refused to say anything. Unless he was trying to stall for time..?

"Don't worry about her, she's not injured too--"

"I meant that book. Is the Book Of Darkness, is she okay?" Commander asked.

This hit Fate, not painfully, however, it came as a big surprise.

"aahh...right. I keep forgetting you're really older than me, did you know her personally?" Fate asked.

"To live for more than centuries, you have to say many farewells. At the beginning, for me, it wasn't always so. However, after a certain event, I met many people, however with the flow of time, they slipped away from my fingers and vanished into the abyss... would you like to hear my story? Even I don't think the Infinite Library has my biography inside." After saying that, he chuckled softly.

Fate smiled warmly at him, and said "Go ahead."

Jokulhaup's picture
Joined: 04/10/2010
Posts: 417

I'm going to be as honest as I can here, so bear with me and try to avoid taking offense.

First off, if you're writing this to practice English, keep at it. However, I highly recommend that you find someone who speaks/writes English fluently, not passably, to double-check/beta your work. As it is right now, the grammar is pretty painful.

Secondly, try to write longer chapters, or combine chapters. It's okay on a forum because the structure makes it look alright, but on a fanfiction website like, it looks very silly when each chapter is less than a page in length.

Thirdly, and this helps with your second issue, go more into detail, especially with actions. Tell us about what the characters are doing, instead of making it seem like they're just looking at each other all the time. Right now your story is carried mostly by dialogue, leaving you floundering in parts where sometimes conversation just isn't enough.

Fourthly, try to avoid switching tenses. You flounder between past and present tense rapidly, something I understand is difficult to grasp when learning English.

Finally, try to avoid second person statements in your narrative, such as things like "...polished and you could see it gleaming..."

I can't really follow the plot, because I had a hard time reading this story. That said, I believe you can improve it significantly. Best of luck!

P.S. I know the pain of learning English, it was my second language and it was a major pain getting better.

Check out my stories! Tell me what you think!
Just Like Fate

Kolby Jerred's picture
Joined: 12/17/2012
Posts: 14

Hey, you.
Yes, you.
Thank you so darn much for giving feedback. Each of it was wonderfully spot on.
Like you said, I am using this chance to practice my language, and I am actually laughing at myself because my forte isn't in writing. I can't express my story and images I see in my head as most of you do. I wanted to get this idea out of my head so much, that in a desperate attempt, I started writing fanfiction. Really, my specialty is drawing out what I think, and really, I wanted someone to help me with this, so I can try to draw a doujin. But, I will give it my all to continue the story until someone worthy can help me out. Thanks for your wonderful criticisms. ^w^

Kolby Jerred's picture
Joined: 12/17/2012
Posts: 14

Finally, I have some free time to update and correct the older chapters.

Chapter 8

"Ah, I don't need this, you can have it if you want," A lady, who was dressed provocatively and had thick makeup laden on her, threw the sack to a petite and young girl. "The mad scientist and the thing. How matching!" and started walking away, laughing with a shrill voice.

The girl frowned and shook her head.

"These scums...." The girl muttered under her breath.

The girl held the sack by cradling it with both arms, and looked at it with a tender, warm smile.

As if in reply, the Thing that was covered in the sack looked at her, taking in every single detail about her.

That was their first meeting.

Something that the Thing treasured and remembered for the rest of his life.

The Thing(child) was given a Name, an Identity, and Knowledge.

A Name that the girl always called it, with joy, an Identity, which He accepted. And Knowledge, about the World that he was born into.

Though the girl was only 14 years old, she was a genius. She had developed the maturity of a wise old lady, and saw the world with her contemplating eyes.

The little Thing(child) grew up happily, with the girl by his side, she always spoke lovingly to him, and always forgave him for the mistakes that he made. He loved her, and she loved him.

Occasionally, she would gazed out of the window in the little laboratory. Always, there would be this particular man outside chatting with other townsfolk and the girl would look at him with a bitter smile. She would blush when this man looked up, and gaze at the direction of where the girl was at.

However, try as the Thing(child) might, he could not bring himself to like that man. The Thing, felt emotions, stronger than his, raging and consuming him whenever he looked at that man.

That Thing(child) did not know those emotions were lust.

That Thing(child), young as he was, could see colors that surrounded people. The girl had a peach-orange color, and he(child) loved it immensely. Others had turquoise, cobalt blue or radiant yellow (those were normally princes from other foreign lands), etc.

But that man, it was pure black. His was darker than anyone else, and a complete contrast to his own color. Yes, he could see his own. It was white, however, with a golden tinge. He loved the girl's color more than his own, but he had no choice but to make do with it, because it could not be changed.

But he could change his own perception of the man.

He wouldn't be so bad if She likes him, he thought.

With continued self-delusion, he convinced himself that he was wrong, and the man was right.

Whenever the man came into the little laboratory, he would strain his smile, and tried to like him.

He convinced himself that he was wrong.

As if Fate was mocking him, the man died.

It was so sudden.

The Thing(child) was at first at a loss, he did not know what to do. What was the self-deluding for? He thought.

But in the depths of his heart, he was happy. He did not want to feel that way, but he was happy.

He hated himself for thinking that way.

While he was self-deprecating, he did not notice the girl's mental state. He never did, right from the start.

That man's death was the final trigger that eroded her sanity.

"You would do anything for me, won't you?" The girl said.

"Of course!" The Thing immediately replied.

The Thing was no longer a child. He was a fine boy now, 15 years old.

The girl was no longer a girl. She matured, now 26 years old.

But this was the prelude to a tragedy. The beginning of an end, that will go down in history.


" can predict how it turned out." Commander softly chuckled, with a hint of bitterness in his tone.

"You obeyed that girl....and turned into one of the most universally heinous criminals?" Fate asked, astonished.

Commander remained silent, but he nodded to show his affirmation.

Fate remained silent for a long while. She was processing and evaluating the acquired information.

The continuous dripping of water sounded. It dripped slowly, one by one, and echoed throughout the room.

After a long while, Fate broke the silence, "Thanks for answering our questions. You could actually keep your silence, you know?"

"Ahh, I would prefer not to lie. It feels uncomfortable and I'm not very good at it." Commander replied.

Nodding, Fate stood up, and walked out of the interrogation room...

...and heaved a sigh of relief.

She started speaking through the telepathic bond to Shari, "Did you get all that?"

"Yep, recorded it all down," Shari nodded her head. "It's actually pretty impressive that he did not even try to escape."

"Any leads?" Fate started walking down the aisle, and eventually reached the Shari's office. The door slid open with ease, and Fate walked in.

The room was dimly lit, filled with piles of paperwork that needed to be done, and high-tech touch-screen computers.

"None so far. He's either a very good liar, or he's really telling the truth. Either way, we will have to wait for the higher-ups to decide, they're probably banging their fists on the desks and shouting at each other..." Shari could not help but giggle at the thought.

Fate felt uneasy. 'He could have killed us if he really wanted to.' she thought.

But he didn't. 'Was he toying with us?' Fate continued to muddle over what had happened.

"I guess I have no way of finding out unless I wait...." Fate mumbled under her breath.


Back at the interrogation room, Commander sighed.

I forgot to tell her how I met the Tome Of The Night Sky, he thought. I don't think it would be so hard to understand how I met her anyways, since I was always in different battlefields in different times and universes.

He silently laughed at himself. That lady just now, really reminded me of my Creator.
Even though her aura's a brilliant gold, it felt so nostalgic. I guess I must thank my Creator for modifying my body to be a near immortal, he thought.

For the first time in a while, he smiled. A faint, faint smile that hid behind his fierce and scar filled mask.

Kolby Jerred's picture
Joined: 12/17/2012
Posts: 14

Chapter 9

How does a person define evil? A person that murders and kills in cold blood? Or someone that doesn't shed a tear when in surrounded by death?

Then again, when people start killing each other just to survive, where does <evil> fall into?

When everybody has their reasons, their shallow excuses, their greed and instincts to follow, where is <evil>?

Killing an insect that annoys you, slaughtering an animal just to feed your hunger, where is <evil>?

"Ahh, why am I even contemplating on such matters?" Commander thought.

All the parts have started to join together, and all I need to do is to -complete the mission-,everything will be fine.

I have come so far, I just need 7 more cities to -fall-

Commander closed his eyes and focused on everything around him. He felt the smooth walls that surrounded the interrogation room, the cameras that were cleverly hidden in small corners of the room, small concentrations of hypnotic waves that failed to put him into an unconscious state....

He extended the range, slowly, creeping out of the border of the room, gradually making his way to what he wanted to find in the main headquarters' deepest level, sealed off and locked.

He snorted in contempt. He passed the barriers smoothly, without triggering any alarms. No one would've thought that there was a criminal that would actually find out where the most dangerous weapons were hidden just by the sound waves alone.

Just the clicking of shoes while walking, the powered engines' continued whirring and humming sounds could contribute to about 75% of the headquarter's different places. With the other produced sounds, it was easy to discern the places that have less noises that employed robots and other technological bodyguards to protect what was behind the doors.

The place was filled with ancient, concentrated magic. It was in a state of dormancy, presumably sealed by many sloppy efforts of the TSAB, who probably knew nothing about the ancient artifacts that were found. Sitting in a corner, was a sleek, black, smooth katana.

-----Found it------

In the silent darkness of the unused room, the sound of a voice could be heard.

--Input Authentication code--

"5078643425325114356674332632" Commander thought.

--Valid authentication code--


--Welcome back, Master--

--updating memory, time and other programme--

--Memory, time, other programmes updated. Awaiting orders.--

"Break my binds, and get me out of here." Commander said.

--Order registered--


Fate was walking towards the interrogation room, and heard a sudden explosion that was near the interrogation room.

"It can't be..." Fate thought.

She rushed towards the smoke and fire that engulfed the corridor, without her barrier jacket.

And in the room, she found...

Commander standing in the middle of the chaos.

"Oh, I never thought that a binding could give me so much trouble. I must be getting old." Commander muttered. He looked around, and noticed Fate Testarossa Harlaown, activating her barrier jacket.

Fate readied herself, in battle stance.

"I guess even after years of peace, the TSAB will never grow complacent? Or perhaps, this was a coincidence?" Commander chuckled softly, while mumbling to himself.

Fate wanted to ask "What are your intentions?"

But she never got to finish the sentence.

All she could do was to block using Bardiche with the incoming flurry of slashes, and it depleted her stamina more than
what she thought. Each strike was gradually tiring her out, and she could not evade the incoming attacks.

Eventually, an opening gave her the chance to evade away from the ferocious attacks of Commander.

She was breathing harshly, and beads of perspiration rolled down from her forehead.

"He really is dangerous." Fate thought. She kicked herself in the head for almost letting her guard down, given how different and
hospitable he was when she was speaking to Commander.

"It's really a pity that you had to be the one to actually find me first. I actually wanted to speak more with you." Commander said.

Now's my chance, Fate thought. She rushed straight towards Commander, and performed a leaping strike at him.

Everything rests on this moment, she poured in all of the magic into Bardiche, which changed into the shape of a greatsword. She brought down the sword to Commander, and as the tip of Fate's greatsword touched Commander---

She was brought down to earth. A large pressure pressed onto her, and no matter how much she struggled, she could not get up.

Thick choking smoke filled her lungs, and she began to cough violently.

"Damn it!" She thought.

Commander slowly walked up to her, and knelt down.

"I'm sorry," He whispered.

He drew his katana out slowly, angled it so that the tip was touching the back of her bare neck, and just as he was about to deliver the deed, he slammed onto the wall, breaking and destroying the outer surface of the metallic wall of the interrogation room. A fragment of his mask broke, and it crumbled onto the floor, revealing a corner of his mouth.

"Fate-chan, are you okay?" A voice, that Fate T. Harlaown looked forward to after coming back from her grueling job as an enforcer, piped up.

Another person helped her up, and Fate realized that the pressure was gone.

"Fate-mama, can you stand?" A concerned voice. The voice that was always like a blessing to her.

Commander slowly stood up, and felt the part where the mask was exposed.

"This is getting interesting." Commander said. They could see that he was smiling faintly, not from malicious intent, but a badly-placed curiosity that piqued at the wrong time.

"You make me sick, Mister Commander. You knew that we were rushing here, and played with Fate-chan until we came didn't you?" Takamichi Nanoha, dressed in her Barrier Jacket, with her trusted companion, Raising Heart at the side, glared at Commander with hatred.

Commander kept his silence, but held his katana close to him, ready to strike at any moment.

"Vivio, I'm counting on you!" Nanoha said, prepared several delay shots and spell.

"Leave it to me, Nanoha-Mama!" Vivio enthusiastically exclaimed.

Fate stood up slowly, even though she was exhausted, she stood up, and stood next to them, smiling proudly.

Commander walked slowly to the corner of the room, and the others warily watched him.

"I guess you have something you want to protect, in this world." Commander spoke in a quiet voice.

Commander slowly snapped the two front buttons of his trench coat, and it showed a faint, turquoise light that was steadily pulsing near his heart.

"Don't you dare try to do anything----" Fate ordered, however, before she even noticed, a circle of soldiers were formed, blocking the trio's range to attack.

What she saw, from the corners of the barricade, Fate Testarossa and her family would never forget.

There was a flash of white, blinding her momentarily.

Everything was obliterated; buildings, landmarks--- it was a scene of chaos and pandemonium.

The soldiers that acted as the barricade, blocked the brunt of the damage, which melted their flesh, reaching and melting
the spine, killing them instantly.

"Why...were we the only ones to survive...?" Fate stuttered, shocked by the scene.


Minutes after the explosion, Commander teleported to the nearest unaffected area, and now he appeared to be in a shrine that was having its festivities. Lanterns hung at the strings that were attached to the lamp poles. He slowly walked to one of the forested areas while breathing heavily.

"Huff....puff...." Commander stumbled and collapsed at the nearest clearing. He sat down, and took out a small leather skin pouch, and brought the opening to his mouth.

Small drops of water escaped from the corner of his lips while he gulped it up. After drinking, he sat there, and rested for a while.

"That's enough for today, return back to my shadow." Commander ordered, and the shadows that surrounded the clearing shifted and combined into his shadow. Instantly, the dark, seemingly dangerous clearing turned bright.

He got up from the corner, and walked out of the clearing. He surveyed the surroundings, and saw different stores that had different things to sell and experience. He walked up to a store that sold candied apples, and surreptitiously snatched one.

"I thought there was one more...?" The shop owner scratched his head, puzzled.

The commander took off his masked, and hung it at his belt, which was attached to his katana. He undid the rest of the buttons of his trenchcoat, and rolled up his sleeves to his arms, while taking off his gloves and stuffing it into his pockets. He took off his trench coat, and laid it to the left side of his shoulder. He then proceeded to replace his mask with another one hanging from a store. Which was of course, stealing.

He walked past a digitalised screen that repeated the following message "This is an extremely dangerous criminal, and if you meet him, clear out of the way immediately, and inform the authorities."

"I don't think I'm that heinous of a criminal..." Commander thought, while biting off a small piece of the candied apple.

-Master- A voice echoed in his head.

-Hmm, what's up, katana?- He replied back, thinking.

-Why did you spare the lives of the three?-

-That's what you wanted to ask? I didn't kill anybody else either. The citizens evacuated, so there are no problems, am I right?-

-Yes, however, I fail to see the logic in your action. Why must you waste a portion of energy that you have reserved so wastefully? -

-Well, you see, I think they will be the ones to kill me in the end. I wouldn't want it any other way-

The voice did not continue on.