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Kolby Jerred's picture
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Joined: 12/17/2012
Posts: 2

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Crazyla's picture
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Joined: 02/05/2012
Posts: 434

One thing- separate paragraphs. I'm not alone when I say that I refuse to read walls of texts.

Crazyla's picture
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Joined: 02/05/2012
Posts: 434

Thank you very much for doing that. ^^

mark the date of on the calendar.

The city... that sentence is a bit jumbled, imao.

Some harbored a deep revenge loathing/hatred/resentment...

and others just wanting wanted to seek an adventure.

etc... Maybe you should get a beta, or re-read the whole thing and fix it.

There's also a lot of switching from present tense to past tense.
And I'd suggest to add some scene breaks signs too.

As for the story itself, the plot, not much to say for now, I can see you're setting the stage for an action story. Not sure why Fate hates Yuuno, her being so blatant about it seems weird too, I hope you'll explain that later in the story.

JustMadman's picture
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Joined: 08/09/2011
Posts: 96

Mmm... imao, I think you use 'said' a lot... Too often. >.> Personally I think you might want to be a bit more descriptive, makes it easier for me people to imagine the scene, it'd be less boring more interesting too. And your chapters are a little too short, but that isn't really a problem.

Kolby Jerred's picture
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JustMadman's picture
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Umm... My Engrish isnt exactly good either. ^^; For me, I imagine what's going on in my head and try to describe as much as I can. What they're doing, how they look, their expressions, etc.. Your fic, to me, sounds as if everyone is just talking; very monotonic.
Sorry if I wasn't much help! My Engrish ish horrigible. OTL

Jokulhaup's picture
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Joined: 04/10/2010
Posts: 417

I'm going to be as honest as I can here, so bear with me and try to avoid taking offense.

First off, if you're writing this to practice English, keep at it. However, I highly recommend that you find someone who speaks/writes English fluently, not passably, to double-check/beta your work. As it is right now, the grammar is pretty painful.

Secondly, try to write longer chapters, or combine chapters. It's okay on a forum because the structure makes it look alright, but on a fanfiction website like fanfiction.net, it looks very silly when each chapter is less than a page in length.

Thirdly, and this helps with your second issue, go more into detail, especially with actions. Tell us about what the characters are doing, instead of making it seem like they're just looking at each other all the time. Right now your story is carried mostly by dialogue, leaving you floundering in parts where sometimes conversation just isn't enough.

Fourthly, try to avoid switching tenses. You flounder between past and present tense rapidly, something I understand is difficult to grasp when learning English.

Finally, try to avoid second person statements in your narrative, such as things like "...polished and you could see it gleaming..."

I can't really follow the plot, because I had a hard time reading this story. That said, I believe you can improve it significantly. Best of luck!

P.S. I know the pain of learning English, it was my second language and it was a major pain getting better.

Check out my stories! Tell me what you think!
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